My wife and I were married 4 months before I came to South Korea for a 1 yr. unaccompanied tour. We had met at work and helped each other through our respective divorces. A relationship and then a romance resulted from our close contact. When I came down on orders for Korea she begged me not to leave her. Because of the deep love I felt, and still feel, we decided to marry. 4 months after we married I left. For the first 4-5 months everything was good: frequent emails and phone contact. When I went home on mid-tour there was a lot of tension on her part. She was supposed to pick me up from the airport, but after waiting 2 hours I caught a shuttle bus home- I was exhausted from 27 hours of air travel. <br>She arrived home 5 minutes after I did. since I didn't have a housekey I was waiting outside. She walked by without even acknowledging my existance. When I asked her what had happened she exploded. She said that I had broken her son's heart by not waiting for them at the airport. I asked her again waht had happened as she drew a bath for the boys. she slammed the bathroom door on my face. I did the typical male over reaction and kicked the door in and told her that I didn't appreciate that kind of treatment in the house that I provided for her and the boys. And I apologized on the spot. The 1st day I was at home she told me to "get out" 3 times. I was devastated. We managed to spend the month together with and her 2 sons from her previous marriage. We enjoyed some good family activities, but the undercurrent of tension was always there. On 2 nights, when she was at night classes I had 3-4 shots of rum (hers) in order to try and relax. I never became angry or abusive- more like sad and teary. After I returned to Korea she began to become emotionally distant, eventually refusing to acknowledge any of my attempts at communication. Around Christmas I asked my father to call her- to offer comfort and find out what she was thinking. She told him that she had never wanted to marry me and that I pressured her into the marriage; that she had never loved me- we were friends and the marriage was solely for her convenience in order to have support for her and the boys while she finished her college- in her words "a business deal"; that I had misrepresented myself to her personally and financially; that I was a liar and had a drinking problem; that she felt that she and the boys were in danger from me; that I "smother" her with email and phone calls; that I forced myself on her sexually; that she had little hope for the marriage. I was completely devastated and depressed. After several days I finally managed to "chat" with her over the Internet. She said that if I complied with conditions that she outlined that we could try to build the "friendship". I agreed to her terms because I really want to give this marriage the time to develop when I return. I've backed off on the communications at her request, even though it leaves me feeling hurt, alone, and isolated. She tells me that I have to make appointments before I call and she will only acknowledge email with a terse reply. I called her on the phone 2 weeks ago to hear her voice and just talk, but she exploded into a 20 minute tirade on my weaknesses, faults, childlike behavior and various crimes she feels that I have committed against her. I sent an email apologizing to her. A week later I sent one thanking her for her hard work in taking care of my affairs while I've been away and asking her what I must do to make amends with her. No response. I will be returning home in 34 days. Instead of being filled with joyful anticipation at the prospect of a joyous reunion and the chance to finally live a family life I feel dread. I feel like I'll be walking into an ambush- that's if she is even still around when I return. I'm prepared to do *anything* to try and work the situation out in a way to stay with her and the boys. But I'm aware that there is a point where I might have to call it quits, too. Any advice or assiatnce would be greatly appreciated.

What you are describing is verbal abuse of the major variety. I know because I have been subjected to it for 25 years and am now in counseling. I too did not want to give up on a marriage - make that do not want to give up on a marriage. But if this is what your first year has been like - look at your life and situation long and hard before you give up 25 years of your life to someone who never recognizes the good in you and in what you do. Take care of yourself. Don't be made to believe you are "guilty" of imagined vices/deeds, etc. Get some counseling. You will find that you have the right to set limits - how you will be treated and how you will not. It's not easy. And, the marriage may not survive. But you can and will survive and be stronger.

I agree - she has put you through some terrible verbal/emotional abuse. She sounds like she had some big issues before you married. Maybe getting married before you went to Korea wasn't enough time to discover these issues. Long distance is not easy on any relationship. My x-fiance was a long distance relationship with me supporting him through school. It was a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship as you describe. He wouldn't call me, I tried to communicate w/him only to be told I was overbearing. I finally discovered he was cheating on me and ended it. It was hard but I'm 1000 times stronger now and realize he wasn't for me. Our relationship was for his convenience. I'm not advocating divorce but sometimes when abuse is occurring, it's the best thing for you and your boys who are probably enduring the same verbal abuse. Good luck.

Thank you Suzy K and Barb for your insightful responses. I wish that I could say that my last ICQ chat with my wife on Friday was a good one. She continues to react with anger to my every overture and action. I have to face the fact that my second, and last, marraige will be ending shortly after i return to the states. it's so sad. I'm willing to do anything to try and work this out. It could be worked out so damn easy, too, if only she would be willing to communicate and try to understand. Anyway, thank you again for your thoughts.

It feels like now this is your second and last marriage. And, it may be. But, you need to consider that you did not have a good foundation before going into this marriage. There are a lot of women out there who are looking for someone to love them. Don't cut yourself off from the possibility of love in the future because you made a bad choice. But, before you do get into another relationship, work through the hurts and disappointments with a professional so that you don't bring those hurts to another marriage/relationship. I know several people who made a disastrous second marriage who go on to a third happy marriage. No - it's not the way you would want it to be - but neither should you sentence yourself to a life of hurt and loneliness because someone doesn't really love and appreciate you for you. Take care. Remember that God has a plan for you.

Dear jm:<br>You're situation sounds so much like my husbands last marriage, it's scary. Like yourself, he thought that it would be his last but, UNLIKE yourself it was his forth. Thank God he was able to muster up the "COURAGE" to: continue on, meet, love & marry me & he has since been able to see the rewards of a woman willing to love & work through issues.<br>It is obvious that your wife has serious issues that neither she has dealt with or, you were able to get a "glimse" of prior to your marriage but, the main concern at this point should be YOU. Fortunately or unfortuantely, we can not change people, only are manner in which we deal with them and, although you obviuosly want to present as much opportunity for this relationship to be salvaged, you can not give up your self respect & dignity in the process. Neither of you will respect yourself for that in "the morning". I'm sure you know the patented response about COUNSELING however, it helps to have a objective thrid party to show options, help keep you focused on HEALING to move forward. <br>The beauty of life for me is that every day is the possibility of a new start. Whether you start over 4,5,or 6 times, you have the opportunity at progress & growth. I wish you all the best & would love to chat if you'd like. joyross@concentric.net

Hello...your letter saddened me. You come across and a very devoted, commited man that should be appreciated and loved. I feel, by what you have written, that she is using you only to meet her goals. Once they are met, you will no doubt be tossed away. Maybe I am commenting too directly, but you need to prepare yourself emotionally for this. You have taken a huge step by writing this letter, but if you truly love this woman and her children, you should seek counseling as soon as you return to her, and hopefully, seek it together. Stay strong, believe in yourself, if she isn't the woman you deserve to be happy with, there will be one. Good luck to you and your future. Suzy

Suzy 0309, thank you for your thoughts. I wish that I could say that there has been some progress in this situation, but it just continues to deteriorate. My most trusted friend spent 3 hours talking with her last saturday. She is apparently contemplating the pursuit of criminal charges against me. I hate to say it, but the line has been crossed. I've been supportive financially and emotionally, and I will be for the 28 days- until I return home. But I see *no* hope for any reconciliation at this point- her behavior, attitudes, and statements are just too vindictive and malicious. I wish that tomorrow was my departure date- I'm tired of being in Limbo; out of any control in so much of my life. I'll make it through this, but I know that it will be an ugly experience. Thank you again... <br>