Bumper,<BR>How did you go about finally "accepting"(don't know if thats the right word or not) the om/h and now kids stepparent????<P>Right now I am having a major problem with this. I know it will take time but am not sure what the best way to approach this.<P>Thanks,<P>Bob

RWD,<P>Sorry for taking so long to get back to you, I just came back from the Black Hills of Dakota and Wyoming and a week of visiting my Mom and taking care of the ranch.<P>What you speak of wasn't easy. My ex was on her third married man with a Harley Davidson until he passed away a couple of months ago. There have been five wrecked marriages in this saga.<P>The sock puppet never met my children. The second one she married, and by that time two of the kids were already back with me, and shortly thereafter, all three came to live with me. None of the kids liked him at all, he was a bit of a braggart and bs artist, and they saw right through his act.<P>There wasn't much I could do to control or influence the step parent relationship with the kids in either case, it just happened all by itself. The second husband was stalking my ex and tried to run her off the road. My son and I had to go and have a meaningful conversation with him and explain that we considered this unacceptable behavior. When my ex decided to divorce him, I lent financial support. It really didn't matter what kind of problems my ex and I had between us, I couldn't stand by and allow him to abuse the mother of my children. My sons weren't going to stand for it either. After the divorce he just drifted away.<P>But the third guy was entirely different. Other than the fact that he left his wife for my ex, he was a very likeable guy. Bear in mind, we had been divorced for ten years before this guy comes into the picture. All three of the kids were nuts about him, and at least one grandson thought the sun rose and set with him. The guy was a big, loveable fuzzball. He retired from the Air Force, then did twenty years with a local sheriff's deparment and retired as a sergeant. He and I got along well too.<P>We couldn't avoid each other at family functions, weddings and funerals. If one has to have a husband in law, I could not have asked for a nicer guy! For the last year he has been dying of cancer and chemo therapy, and I actually got close to him on a one to one basis. I wound up helping with the funeral arrangements, and I hosted a dinner for my kids and his close friends and the night before the viewing. He was always friendly to my kids, he would counsel, listen, maybe even advise, but he never tried to get into the role of being their father. He never used any negative discipline that I know of.<P>At the viewing, I got to meet his kids. (Now all adults) His estranged wife didn't come. They are all wonderful people, I wish I could have known them under different circumstances; I know he was a proud father with a lot to be proud of. Even in this extremely painful circumstance, they acted with dignity and grace. They knew their Dad had his flaws, but he was still their Dad.<P>OK, now you know. You don't have to be crazy to know us, but it helps.<P>Bumper<P>

Bumper,<BR>I really don't know the guy and really don't want to, although a minister friend of mine just suggested that I sit down and talk with him and my x. Right now I think I would rather pull my eyeballs out.<P>Other than being a homewrecker, a philanderer(he had 2-3 other affairs according to x),has been fired from his last 2-3 jobs, was just diagnosed last year as bipolar and he has guns, I really don't have anything against him.<P>I have a fear that he will nurt my kids. I read somewhere that the mothers boyfriend/new husband is the one most likely one to abuse the kids. I can't get this out of my mind. To help that along there has been a rash of those cases in our local paper. One involved a guy beating a 5 yo to death beacuse he interuppted him watching a movie. Most of these cases involved young men. om/h is late 40's.<P>I know it was because he was part of my marriage I hate him so much. But I know I have no other options. I guess I could just give up my life to make sure kids are never alone with him. That is completely unrealistic.<P>Bob

Bob,<P>My God, I didn't realize what you are up against. You really have a handful there. Is there any professional help going on for the family? <P>You are absolutely right about Mom's ****buddy being a tremendous threat to the kids, especially if it is a live in boyfriend situation. Picture this. The frequency of all forms of child abuse is six times greater for a step father than a natural father. With live in boyfriend, the frequency is seventy four times greater! In every single domestic abuse situation I've ever been called into, the woman is convinced beyond any shadow of doubt, that God has granted an exception in her case. Any logic or reason we try to present is always answered with a "yes, but......"<P>If you have read some of my other posts, you know that I have always had a very difficult time understanding the behavior of women. Not very much of it makes any sense to me at all, but like the good soldier, I keep on trying. I read somewhere that many women are attracted to dangerous men. And this person you describe is a dangerous and irresponsible man.<P>A life in law enforcement has given me a jaded outlook. On those rare occasions when I have been in night clubs, even our own FOP lodge bar, women will come in on weekend nights alone. Without fail, they will walk past forty decent guys to find the cruelest SOB in the place. Basically, he will be a fairly attractive looking a**h*** who can dance and has developed a line of bs. He has learned to listen to a woman long enough to figure out what she wants to hear, and he tells her that. With that simple reciepe, each and every one of them is his for the asking. They will flock around him like flies drawn to fresh manure. Two months later, we will get a radio call to come get him out of her house because he has beaten her or her kids. All too ofter there are indications that her children have been sexually molested by the new squeeze. <P>Right now, we have eighteen or twenty officers that we have disarmed and assigned to the rubber gun squad until the domestic abuse cases are finally resolved in the courts. I still don't understand the phenomenom of a woman standing there sporting a black eye, a fat lip and a broken cheek bone, still talking about how kind and caring her abuser can be. Yes, the problem of domestic abuse is one of the dirty little secrets in the law enforcement family.<P>May I suggest that you start a new thread with a title reflecting your concern and lets see if we can get some more input on this.<P>Mean time, from reading your posts, it seems to me that you have both feet flat on the ground, a very strong sense of what your children need, and pretty sound judgement. Please, Please, Please trust your own judgement. One of the real problems with the type of screwball you described, is the effect he can have on you, causing you to doubt your own instincts. My guess is that your concern is right on the mark, and yes, you do have a responsibility to protect your children by all means within the frame work of the law, if possible.<P>I have you in my prayers,<P>Bumper<P>

Bob,<P>I have only one thing to add to Bumper's post: <P>HERE HERE!<P>I can't say it strongly enough--trust your instincts! How many times have we heard it here, over and over again, that one spouse SUSPECTS the other of cheating but has "no proof". Sure enough, a couple weeks later they catch the spouse red-handed. <P>You have instincts and suspicions because some part of you is picking up on something that is not necessarily purely factual and proveable. And it is my experience that more often than not, those instincts are RIGHT ON.<P>{{{{{{{{{{Bob}}}}}}}}}}<P>You'll be in my prayers.<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Bumper,<P>Thanks for the input. OM is x's husband. They got married last Dec(on our son's birthday).<P>I guess my biggest fear is he gets all depressed and gets off his meds and decides to cehck out and take everyone with him. I just hope my kids aren't there.<P>He is the exact opposite of me and apparently has the knck for telling woman what they want to hear. Afterall he has had 3-4 affairs and he isn't the most good looking guy in the world, he looks to be in his 50's but he is in his late 40's. He was married to a woman in her 60's though and my x is 43.<P>I believe his is own meds for the bipolar and x is taking some kind of anti-deps. Everytime I see her she is yawning. I talked her about d one time and she was talking like she was reading it from a book. Any arguements we have had recently she becomes very aggitated and aggresive.<P>She went to some counseling for ? until my coverage for her ran out.<P>CJ,<BR>Thanks for your support too! you male basher!!!