One last thing....<P>My lawyer gave me a form called a "case information sheet", and it goes into excrutiating detail about our assests, liabilities and monthly living expenses.<P>I'm finding it VERY helpful in determining the real dollar amount that I will need to live on after a divorce. You might ask for a copy of that form - or hey, maybe I can email you a copy of mine!!<P>Email me at patti@iname.com if you want it

Thanks Bramblerose,<P>This is going to be another horrid day. This is the worst day yet as far as emotions that I have had. It is taking every ounce of will ower that I have to keep from calling him or e-mailing him. I'm so devastated. The only thing that keeps me from calling is that I know I will only feel worse afterwards.<P>I think your advice is great. Yes, we do have kids, a 6 and a 7 yr old. They are my greatest concern right now!<P>Please everyone help me to be strong today. I can't even describe my feelings but I'm sure you all understand.

Then your biggest concern must be that you are able to care for those kids.<P>I have 3 kids, 7, 9 and a 4 month old. I need to make sure that I am in a position to adequately care for my kids. My stbx's welfare is my LAST concern - he chose to have an affair, continue to date, refuse to get help, and all those things...this is the consequences of his choices. He wants to come to an 'agreement' and work it out with one lawyer. He also so GENEROUSLY offered me so little in terms of a settlement, that it would have been horrible for our kids. I'm happy to discuss and come to terms with him about certain issues, but never once have I agreed to forgo my own loyal legal counsel. <P>Hang in there, ((hugs)), I know the kind of day you are talking about.

Bramblerose,<P>Sent you an e-mail regarding the worksheet you mentioned. Guess it will be a good starting place.<P>Had to run to my friends this morning to keep my self sane and not do anything stupid (ie call him) that would only make me feel worse. This no communication thing is soo hard for me. <P>

HI Hopeless,<P> How are you? Are you doing Ok? I know exactly how you feel....there are really no words to describe the devastation...Please take everyone's advice and get legal advice. <P>I cried and cried when I came out of the lawyers but it was one of the smartest things I did. Your H may be fair , etc. but get an OW in there and all bets are off. You and your kids need to be protected.<P>I know you know this all but I'm thinking about you ....there are alot of us who have been where you are......LU

Thanks LU,<P>I've gone from complete despair this morning to a strange numbness this afternoon. I hate all of this so much!!!!!!

HopelessinAZ<P>I mostly lurk here on the forum now (was betrayed by wife in 1998 / spring of 1999 and divorced in Dec 1999). <P>I'm sorry you are going through this. I would highly recommend you use a laywer. No one can think clearly while they are going through what you are.<P>Also consider getting involved in a divorce recovery support group - it will help a lot (I lead a divorce recovery support group down the road from you in Tucson).<P>Tom

ZAPFT-<P>Thanks for the advice. Your said exactly as I feel, too overwhelmed to think straight. Also knowing myself I might allow myself to be swayed by STBXH words as I still carry very strong feelings for him. Give me a month and i'm sure that will change but for now I'm so up and down that I don't trust myself.<P>Divorce recovery groups are sure to be part of my future. Are there some better than others? And if yes is there one you recommend?

HopelessinAZ<P>There are two organizations that have execellent programs and resources. One is Fresh Start. Their WEB site is <A HREF="http://www.freshstartseminars.org." TARGET=_blank>http://www.freshstartseminars.org.</A> The other is Divorce Care. Their WEB site is <A HREF="http://www.divorcecare.org." TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorcecare.org.</A> <P>Both organizations are Christian, so they may not be what you are looking for.<P>FreshStart is currently planning a seminar here in Tucson next month.<P>It's a long road back from divorce. The estimates are 1 year of recovery for every 4 years you were married with an average of 5 years just to regain your balance emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually.<P>Regards, Tom

Thanks Tom.<P>It is so hard to begin walking down a path that someone else has choosen for you especially when you are forced to walk it alone. I thank all of you here for acting as guidposts for me along the way.

My first post in this category. I need help/suggestions. I have posted under the infidelity section for weeks, found out my husband had an affair for past 3 years which produced a child. He told me 6 weeks ago, I had no clue. He initially told me he would do everything in his power to keep us together, married 25 years, two kids, ages 8 and 4. Now we start counseling today with new counselor, and she listens to it all and how I am opposed to contact with the other child of affair (OC). He keeps waiting till I heal and will be ok with him having contact with child. I told him today for me to heal, he cannot have contact, he cannot tell our kids, he cannot intertwine their lives, and I can not move forward with him. He is equally adamant he should be in OC's life-something the OW wants as well.The therapist actually suggested she did not think him having occasional contact with OC while married to me, with my lack of cooperation, would not necessarily be good for child, something he disputes. Anyway, when she saw how immobile both of us were in our positions, she asked about why didn't we separate-that may be the only way we can resolve our positions.Now my husband feels I am making an ultimatum-my way or no way. I said this today because I really feel it,a nd I think on some level he wants to keep contact with OW, which is threatening to me.Also, I figure in a certain length of time, he will keep waiting for me to change my mind and say it is o.k to have contact with OC, and if not, he is gone. He is really upset-now I worry I may be pushing him into separation, and the thought of divorce kill me.Any thoughts about this are welcome.I am now thinking a contact with lawyer may be good idea.

WOW ISB,<P>Your situation is very unlike mine I must admit. Did you mean to post at the end of my thread? You may get more responses starting it over on it's own.<P>But i will say that what you must be going through has got to be soo difficult. Not only are you dealing with infidelity but you are also dealing with the fact that his infidelity produced another child. ALL I can say at this point is that the child is innocent and as hard as it is for you to accept deserves to have his father in his life. I say that realizing that it will take a HUGE effort on your part to come to terms with that. It is hard enough for me to come to terms with what is happening in my life.<P>With the child involved no contact with the OW becomes impossible as he will need to at the very least assume financial obligations for that child. You have a very tough road ahead of you. You have a very tough road ahead of you and one that will take a great deal of self reflection. You and only you know at this point what you can handle. Don't do anything rash. Time is a great healer and I think in the end we are all capable of forgiving a lot more than we ever thought. <P>We are here to support you. Take Care.