I have seen a lot of posts referring to Plan A making them feel like a doormat. I somehow never got that impression. According to Harley's article on this site, "Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands."<P>I see nothing in Harley's description that requires you to tolerate being treated with disrespect yourself, and disapproval of your spouse's behavior is inherent in the core purpose of the Plan.<P>I think there is a big difference between reaching out to fulfill your spouse's needs, and allowing them to stomp all over you.<P>What think you?<BR>

There was a superb discussion of this issue on the GQ forum:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007757.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007757.html</A> <P>From my personal experience, trying to meet the needs of someone who continued their affair and refused to meet any of my needs did in fact make me feel like a doormat. I think I should have cut off my Plan A efforts much earlier (at least the "meet her needs" part of Plan A; there is nothing wrong with being civil but focusing on yourself). Instead, I demonstrated that I <B>can</B> be a good husband, and then continued to try to meet her needs despite complete rejection, and I think that was wrong because it made me a pursuer/doormat.<P>AGG<BR><p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited March 21, 2001).]

When I was on Plan A, I felt like a "doormat". Never heard that term til I got here either. Before I got here, and was officially on Plan A, I was on "kill him with kindness" and be on my best behavior. Similar concept, just was doing it on my own to seperate WS from OW.<P>I did feel like I got treated very badly, and even used many times during this process. Ironically I talked to my exH today and he said I made it too easy for him. <P>We're divorced now, so in my case, it makes no difference. I would say anyone in Plan A, needs a lot of support from family and friends , because it is difficult. <P>Possibly being in Plan A with the WS being a past abuser made it worse, I don't know. It must work, because there IS a recovery board here! <P>Dana<BR>

GDP,<P>I am glad you asked this question! IMHO, the intention of Plan A is for one spouse to recognize that the reason there is a current problem in the marriage is because neither spouse has not been meeting the others' ENs, and since somebody has to start, the one spouse should make a concerted effort to discover what the other spouse's needs are and make a concerted effort to meet those needs. <P>HOWEVER, I think all too often people mistake Plan A for letting their spouse do whatever nonsense is in the spouse's head "if it makes them happy." Naturally this makes a person feel like a doormat, and to be honest with you, I think they ARE a doormat at that point. Plan A is not about letting your spouse have a relationship with OP while simultaneously getting compliments and affection at home--Plan A is not about letting one spouse take advantage of the other. Plan A is not being "supportive" of your spouse while they rob you blind in a divorce agreement or while they take away your parental rights! NO!!! <P>I'm going to personalize this a little. Plan A is about realizing that the way I was behaving was contributing to the break up of my marriage. I was unforgiving when he needed forgiveness, and I was mean and spiteful when he needed appreciation (this list is longer, but we'll use these two examples). Thus, Plan A for me was realizing that I was responsible for getting to this point and that I was responsible for getting out of here. Plan A is recognizing that one of my spouse's ENs was appreciation, and that I had fallen short of meeting that need--I had badly fallen short. Plan A was learning about the kind of woman and wife I have the potential to become, and becoming closer to that potential. <P>The hope is that as I Plan A on myself, and become the woman and wife that God intended, that those qualities will be attractive to my husband again, and that he would be interested again like he had been in the first place. The good part is this: even if he ISN'T or doesn't come back, I have improved myself! I am a better person. <P>I think that quite often (not always) the folks who feel like a doormat when they "Plan A" are not looking at working on themself, but rather are doing all kinds of things in the hope of winning back their spouse. In fact, to be blunt, I think that if a person does a true Plan A on themself and is growing and changing and improving themself, the LESS likely they are to tolerate being treated disrespectfully and the more likely they are to disapproving of their spouse's behavior. <P>So, there's two more cents for the pot. Who has that pot, anyway--it MUST be full by now! <P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AGoodGuy:<BR><B>There was a superb discussion of this issue on the GQ forum:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007757.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007757.html</A></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I just checked it out (again). A good discussion, yes. But it seems to me that that thread was more about when it was more appropriate to move to Plan B.<P>However, Sisyphus and (especially) FaithfulWife <I>did</I> have some excellent comments about the nature of Plan A there at the end.<BR>

Okay, and now FaithfulWife has some good comments <I>here</I>.

<P>High praise, coming from you GDP!<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.