My wife and I have been married 14 years and have three children. As most relationships do, ours started out with all the classic elements of romantic love (romance, passion, frequent and steamy sex, intimacy, etc). This limerant period lasted about a year, and then our sex life took a significant turn for the worse... at least in my opinion. Specifically, her sexual desire dropped to nil, and mine continued close to initial levels. She attributed this reduction in desire to her ‘just having a low sex drive’... a simple fluke of nature, if you will. In retrospect, I realize that there were surely other relationship related factors impacting upon--if not directly affecting--her drive (i.e. other unmet emotional needs). <br> In the interim years, I have had several affairs to satisfy my apparent need for romance and passion—the first affair approximately three years after our first date, the last ending approximately nine years ago. This last affair, which lasted approximately five months, was just about everything I had ever fantasized about in a sexual sense. Ironically, I ended it abruptly because it was too much sex... and not much else. I remember thinking often during that period that if only sex were like this with my wife--whom I really did love for many reasons--life would be great. At this point, I swore off extramarital activity, and although my desire continued to remain, I threw myself into work and play (having pretty much decided that peaceful cohabitation would define our marriage). Although my wife never discovered my wanderings (in fact, I had often secretly hoped to get caught), our relationship obviously continued to decline in quality over the years. We did have sexual relations on occasion... spotty, and always initiated by me. When these encounters took place, she was generally orgasmic.<br> Six months ago I discovered to my astonishment that my wife had a brief, torrid affair with an old boyfriend in both my home and his during my work related absence over the summer. It apparently ended disastrously, when the OM’s girlfriend caught them just minutes short of flagrante delecto, and he dumped my wife on the spot. I believe deeply that this was her only affair. Purportedly, she did not experience orgasm during their sexual encounters, although she masturbated herself to orgasm in private with more frequency that summer than ever before. <br> Surprisingly, I was emotionally and physically devastated by this revelation. We immediately sought out marital counseling, and attended religiously for five months. During counseling, I eventually confessed to my peccadilloes as well, as I could not stand to see my wife saddled by and burdened alone with so much guilt. This counseling was a real eye opener, and we made steady, productive progress throughout its duration. <br> To be honest, our relationship has never been better in terms of communication, enjoying things together, family activities, etc. I believe my wife does in fact love me, and with her agreement, we are even having sexual relations four times a week on predetermined days (she prefers a ‘schedule’). She apparently enjoys the physical aspects of our sex, and orgasms regularly. But she continues to have no sexual drive, and I continue to have to initiate every encounter and any activity during these encounters. <br> The problem now is that I am having great difficulty dealing with the fact that she could be so very passionate with another man six months ago, and feel absolutely no sexual attraction to me now. She maintains that low sexual drive is her natural state, although I am convinced that the many mistakes we have made over the past are in fact what are inhibiting her desire. While she does not disagree that this probably has had an impact, she thinks that it is too late to fix all that, and ‘we will never again be blissfully, passionately in love again’. While she agreed to hormonal tests (which turned out normal), she is very hesitant to seek further counseling. <br> The scenario is driving me crazy. These recent events have reawakened long dormant feelings of passion and romance in myself, and I want to share with her those feelings we have each more recently shared with others. I feel our marriage is notably devoid of any ‘spark’ in this arena, and I am now beginning to lose sexual desire as well. I can relate this to several reasons... in part because my ‘new found sensitivity’ revolts at accosting her when I know she really would prefer to read, watch TV, or sleep; in part due to the pressure of always having to initiate; and in part because I am depressed over her lack of sexual enthusiasm for me. Regrettably, I have even considered having another affair to requite these feelings and to give my steadily deflating ego a boost... but don't want it and certainly can't seem to justify it given all my wifes efforts at repairing our marriage. I am personally at wit’s end... any thoughts and recommendations out there?<br>

I, too, find it difficult to look into my wife's eye and see no passion for me, sexual or other. Personally, I see passionate lovemaking as an affirmation of my wife's love for me. I was told by a counselor that that was wrong and I should look for other ways. <br>So then I struggle with sexual feelings and longings, wondering if I'm a sex addict or just have a high sex drive, and come to the conclusion that I'm just a guy and that's the way we are. Harley suggests the woman make a pact to have sex everyday for a week straight in order to increase her sex drive. January or December REDBOOK had a similar article from a woman's point of view. The results were that her drive increased while the husband's drive decreased.<br>However, it seems that your close to that with your schedule.<br>Truthfully, I just don't know. I guess we're supposed to find comfort that there are plenty other guys just like us so we shouldn't feel so bad. That lasts about two minutes and I read some post about a woman who's complaining about her husband's lack of desire and how she desires it more than he does, etc... It just doesn't seem fair.<br>I don't think affairs are the answer but then again I've never had one. I really don't want to try either.<br>If we try the wining and dining romance routine they interpret that as manipulative and we get shot down (at least I do). She thinks I'm just doing it to get laid.<br>I've gone as far as to make dates and say its a "no sex" date to relieve any pressure on her. She just feels guilty or says that "just because we're not having it doesn't mean I didn't want it."<br>You see, it's kind of futile. As we drift away from our spouses because of a real lack of affirmation we fullfil the prophecy.<br>I toy with the idea of using marijuana to get her going. I've tried soft erotica which she thinks is sinful. Even a mildly erotic movie fail because they "can't be real." Its particularly tough when you've had great, passionate sex with that person yet it seems like it will never ever happen again.<br>And people wonder why we can be depressed....<br>

czechy-<br> Thanks for your response and insight... although I am not sure two guys as depressed as we are should be communicating. There really isn't enough room in my dark hole for another shovel...<br> I think Harley's perspectives and strategies are in general great. I think, however, he missed the boat on everday sex. A woman simply is not capable of responding on demand... and the pressure of 'having to do it' I think is a major turn off to many, especially under our rather strained circumstances.<br> As for your counselor, he/she may not be entirely wrong. Your wife may have 'commitant love' for you--a love spawned from couples who's lives are deeply intwined... ie there is both intimacy and commitment in your relationship, the passionate element only lacking. This of course is perfect for those who do not require the passionate element in their love... and absolute misery for those who do. <br> I am beginning to agree with you on the benefits of romantic gestures... it can blow up in your face without warning. See some of the responses to my identical post under 'Infidelity'.<br> I too have read some of the posts from women suffering our dilemma. What a sad waste of the feminine mystique. <br> I think life is a crap shoot... we all enter relationships with completely false impressions of who it is we bargained for. Of course, we are all guilty of 'wearing a mask' during courtship, and there is always another side to the story. And who knows what effect our environment has on character as the years pass by.<br> Forget the drugs... that is sheer desperation and will gain you nothing. We occasionally do porn movies, and they do serve to pique interest... but beware the double edged sword. It is not interest in you that is neccessarily being piqued...<br> Well good luck in your travels--let me know if you run into anything interesting.<br> d.

czechy-<br> Thanks for your response and insight... although I am not sure two guys as depressed as we are should be communicating. There really isn't enough room in my dark hole for another shovel...<br> I think Harley's perspectives and strategies are in general great. I think, however, he missed the boat on everday sex. A woman simply is not capable of responding on demand... and the pressure of 'having to do it' I think is a major turn off to many, especially under our rather strained circumstances.<br> As for your counselor, he/she may not be entirely wrong. Your wife may have 'commitant love' for you--a love spawned from couples who's lives are deeply intwined... ie there is both intimacy and commitment in your relationship, the passionate element only lacking. This of course is perfect for those who do not require the passionate element in their love... and absolute misery for those who do. <br> I am beginning to agree with you on the benefits of romantic gestures... it can blow up in your face without warning. See some of the responses to my identical post under 'Infidelity'.<br> I too have read some of the posts from women suffering our dilemma. What a sad waste of the feminine mystique. <br> I think life is a crap shoot... we all enter relationships with completely false impressions of who it is we bargained for. Of course, we are all guilty of 'wearing a mask' during courtship, and there is always another side to the story. And who knows what effect our environment has on character as the years pass by.<br> Forget the drugs... that is sheer desperation and will gain you nothing. We occasionally do porn movies, and they do serve to pique interest... but beware the double edged sword. It is not interest in you that is neccessarily being piqued...<br> Well good luck in your travels--let me know if you run into anything interesting.<br> d.