I had an affair & for a while my husband & I got along after D-day. However, lately he hasn't been eating or sleeping at home. I try to show him how much I love him, but he thinks its a "joke" that now I do things I didn't do before (cook more, buy him special things...). He is totally opposed to trying to work things out. He doesn't think there's anything to work out. He says he still loves me, but doesn't even want to be around me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. If I do nice things, he thinks I'm doing too much. Am I supposed to do nothing?<P>When I ask if we can start spending a little time together & build on the present & future & not dwell on the past, he says no. He says the only answer is divorce.<P>HELP!!! I don't want to lose him. (According to him I already have.)

I am afraid that I have no answers for you. Some men can forgive and move on and other can't. I think that the fact that the affair lasted two years and he had to find out himself and not from you may have taken its toll. He is probably feeling that since you were able to deceive him for two years then how could he believe in himself to believe you now. He probably could have gotten over a one night stand but two years? I have been where you husband is and although my ex-wife tried; I simply believed that she was being nice and kind to me because she wanted to have the financial security of a stable marriage. My thoughts were that you don't do something like this to somebody you love.<BR>When she said she loved me it actually made me ill and I felt that my definition of love and her definition were totally different and I had to move on because I knew that I could not have that special feeling again that I once had.<BR>I do not know if this is how you husband is feeling but I suspect it may be similar. I can only say that I am sure that you must have realized what you were risking when you continued this for two years. I think that joint counseling is the only way so he and you can deal with his feelings.<BR>If he is unwilling then I am afraid that you will have a <BR>difficult time to change his attitude. Maybe in time he will start to heal. If you were in your husband's shoes what would you want you to do to make you believe that you really loved him now and could be trusted? I wish you luck.

Bryanp, I agree with you. This is not something to do to someone you love. My H and I had been drifting apart for a long time. As we drifted, he spent more time with friends. Since my whole world revolves around him, I don't have many of my own. When a man at worked seemed concerned one day when I was upset & was willing to listen, a friendship began. The rest is history. Sometimes I didn't think I really did love my H anymore. But what's the old saying - you never know what you had until it's gone? Well, now I know him I love him more than anything in the world.<P>Do you think giving him space would help or will I lose him forever for sure?<P>Are you and your X on friendly terms at all? Do you ever regret your decision?<P>Thank you for the male perspective. I'm sure he's feeling exactly as you did.

Hello Berry,<P>I am glad that you did not take offense from one man's perspective. I will try to answer your questions. The question of leaving and giving him space is a difficult one.<BR>Many counselors think it is a poor idea since it is difficult to reconnect when you start living separate lives.<BR>On the other hand, the pain can be so intense that the person begins to dispise the other person. Sometimes being away makes the betrayed spouse realize how much they do indeed miss the other person. I personally have not been in contact with my ex for over a decade. The pain was much too intense for me to bear and I knew that I did not wish to live the rest of my life feeling insecure and untrusting.<BR>I believe that one of the strong merits of marriage is in fact feeling secure about who you are and your mate. I could no longer believe in her and ultimately in myself and so I had to leave forever. After many years I finally found someone I could love and trust and am very happy. You asked me if I ever regretted the decision. I always wondered how our life would have been if this had not occurred. I am convinced I would have been happy and contented with my ex-wife. The experience made me a very angry and bitter person. I think of the wasted years I had being angry. I finally went to therapy and finally was able to overcome it somewhat. I still to this day think what a waste it was for my ex to throw everything away like that. I just was unable to accept in my mind that she could be in a long term affair <BR>and fool me for so long. I constantly thought after I had to find out how many times she must have had sex with him and then the some evening have sex with me. I did not wish to spend the rest of my life thinking about this because I knew it would eventually make me go crazy.<P>You did not answer my question as to what you would want you to do if you were in your husband's shoes. I hope you can work it out. Remember my situation was different in that I thought the marriage was fine and for me the affair came out of the blue and I was just simply unable to recover from the betrayal.

Berry,<P>Sounds very familiar.<P>Marriage counseling, together, and therapy for both of you, separately.<P>Why you had the affair has to be addressed.<P>But it's not going to go anywhere, no matter how much you may want it to and no matter how much progress you may make with yourself, unless HE decides that he's willing to work on it. And you can't press him into that decision.<P>All you can do is work on yourself. And hope that he sees the changes within you, accepts them for what they really are, and that he'll come around.<P>Take a look at Plans A & B.<P>And if you are the praying sort, pray and turn to God for guidance. I've been amazed at how God has provided the right things at the right times and given me the abilities and tools necessary to endure these trials. <P>Good Luck,<BR>~Amy

Thank you very much for the advice. Bryanp, I know I didn't answer your question about how I would feel if he had done the same. I honestly have no idea. I can imagine I would be absolutely devestated! However, now I am filled with shock at the fact that I could do such a thing, guilt beyond belief, pain for hurting my H so badly, and uncontrollable sorrow for knowing that I have ruined what was once a beautiful relationship. He says he doesn't know who I am anymore - neither do I.<P>Amy, I have been looking for Plans A & B, but can't find them. I'm a little out of it - not eating or sleeping will do that to you. Can you tell me where they're located?<P>Thank you very much, both of you! It's so nice to receive some helpful insight and feedback.

Berry,<P>NSR has a general welcome thread in the Just Found Out section of this site. I have bookmarked it for you just click on the "NSR Welcome" below and it will take you there. Within his thread are bookmarks for many articles here and information on Plan A and Plan B. Here it is:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank> NSR Welcome </A> <P>God Bless,<P>JL

Your story sounds exactly like mine. My affair lasted only 1 mo. I know exactly how you are feeling right now because I was once there as well. My H was so angry and bitter that he wouldn't even try to give me a chance even when I was pregnant and carrying his child. But that's another story...He was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusing me. I let him do it bc I feel I made the mistake and will take whatever he says. He moved out a week after D-day, but he still called to harassed and verbally abuses me. Again, I still let him...<P>We've been separated for a year now and well, you think it gets better when he moved out. Trust me it's not! Once he was out and he can start recover slowly, he will forget who you are to the point where he doesn't even want to talk, see, or have anything to do with you anymore. I was so emotionally drained. I went to see a counselor. It was a good help but he refused to get any counseling.<P>I wanted to give my marraige a second chance. I've done all I can...going on a weekend trips and take a week vacation to Hawaii and hopefully he can give me a chance and some hope in our marriage. He said I've tried too hard and it no use. As it turn out, he was just using me and said "You're just a w** to me. You don't mean anything to me anymore. Once you have someone open you up, that's it". I was hurt so bad to have someone I love said this to you...but I still convinced myself that he doesn't mean it. Just last week, I was served with a Divorce paper. :-(<P>I think the best thing to do now for you is go to counseling. If he's not willing then you do it for yourself. You should try to talk to H and see what he wants and what he need...I totally agreed with you that he should leave the past behind if your H wants to work out the marriage. IMO, try to talk to him so that he doesn't move out. Don't be like me and hoping his moving it's best. IT's NOT! Good Luck.<BR>

I am with you I believe everybody deserves a second chance my x left and will not give me a second chance to save his life and I didn't have any affair.

Hi,<P>I have a similiar story, and mine doesn't have a happy ending... <P>My affair lasted three months, with one time of intercourse. My ex-H couldn't deal with the pain either, and went from sad to mad, went from crying at home to going out in the middle of the night, went from lap dances in bars to the ultimate punishment -- he had a physical affair himself.<P>We desperately needed counseling, but we didn't get it, for all sorts of reasons. That's the ONLY thing, looking back, that could have saved our marriage.<P>You are not alone.<P>Aside from those who have posted here, there is The Student, who has been posting for two years, and there is Jill, who is over on the General Questions area. In Jill's case, her H is just having a hard time with it all, which makes her feel terrible. I think you might understand that.<P>You are in the right place. Read as much as you can, and take care of YOU. Even if he won't go to counseling, you can do it alone. If you can afford it, the Harley's have counseling available on this site, and they will help you to work on your marriage alone.<BR>Click here for information on the counseling offered here: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html</A> <P>Best wishes.<P><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited March 22, 2001).]