Need some words of encouragement from my newfound friends out there. It’s been a month since the “D” word entered my life. Wife and I are planning to separate/file at the end of May. If you’ve followed any of my posts you know that it has been a roller coaster of a ride. One day “never want to see you again” next day “maybe we can work it out”. I want nothing more than to save my family. Our three daughters deserve a happy home. The only reason I can get from her is that she doesn’t think that she can ever be happy in marriage. The counselor and I both agree that she has some deep rooted anger issues with her parents and since I am in front of her the anger is pointed at me. Tuesday night she said we have a chance and I hurried to mention “Retrouvaille”. She was very receptive to the idea. Last night there was no chance and we can’t find the time in our busy schedule for “Retrouvaille”. She agreed to go individually to our counselor on next Tuesday. <P>All of this is just draining me. I’m tired of titer tottering and I want to get off. Of course, I want to get off when the momentum is right so I don’t land on my face with my butt up in the air. <P>Counselor suggested that I avoid confrontation but keep discussion some of the “D” issues so that STBX is forced to think of the future.<P>Just looking for some words of encouragement and many prayers.<P><BR>Love, Bill <BR>

Bill,<P>Ok,first things first.<P>Ask your self..........Is a D what I really want???<P>If you follow in your counselors advice,you just may sway your W into making the decission of following through w/the D.By you continually bringing it up,in her mind she will then think that is what you want.[when it is far from it.]<P>If a D is not what you are wanting then IMO you shouldn't "talk" about it.<P>She seems to be very confused.[that will work in your favor.]<P>You keep being the Great H that you can be.Show her that you do love her.Stop all of the "relationship/D" talks.<P>She needs to feel comfortable w/you again.<P>Concentrate on YOU! Do something for your self.<P>It is a horrible roller-coaster ride.I do feel for you.[brings back memories for me.]<P>Keep posting, asking Q.......you will be fine<P>Hang in there!<P>Gina <P><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Bill,<P>I wish I had some words of encouragement for you. I know the feeling well. My STBXW will be completely out of this house by Saturday. She has informed me that she will be filing as soon as we get the mediation agreement from the mediator. I know that I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I will no longer married. I love my W very much, but know that I can not change her mind. She must do that herself. I think that you can discuss aspects of the D, while at the same time letting her know that this is not what you want. Not an easy thing to do. And it might not work. At least it hasn't in my situation.<P>Hang in there. I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope that things work out for you in the end. Mediation helped a lot, especially since there was a third party there that helped keep things focused. Take care of your self.<P>Griz<BR>

Thanks Griz & Little Cookie<P>She goes to counseling on Tuesday and I hope that she can work through some of her issues. I am trying to postpone some of the D talk for now and focus on working a plan to get back together. Last night she agreed to go to a Routrauville weekend in the beginning of May. Only problem she says that she wants to proceed with D issues until then as we are to separate at the End of May. We are planning mediation and of course I'm trying to put that off as long as possible.<P>Thanks, Bill

Losthusband,<BR>This caught my eye:<BR>"The only reason I can get from her is that she doesn’t think that she can ever be happy in marriage. The counselor and I both agree that she has some deep rooted anger issues with her parents and since I am in front of her the anger is pointed at me."<P>I don't have any suggestions about saving your marriage, but I might be able to help you understand your wife...<P>First, I too don't think I can ever be happy in marriage. For lots of reasons, but mainly because my concept of what it means to be a "wife" means I have no identity of my own. My whole life and self esteem is (theoretically) supposed to revolve around my husband and children in order to be a good "wife". Men don't have that kind of pressure. <P>Second, I too have had some anger issues with my parents that I've been aware of for quite awhile. Although, I don't think my ex took the brunt of it. We BOTH had some childhood related problems...<P>You are welcome to ask me whatever questions you'd like. Oh, there is one more thing I'd like to say...I would not continue talking about the divorce thing. First, if her issues involve abandonment, then she probably sees that as you wanting out. Your actions carry more weight than your words. It doesn't matter that you SAY you don't want a divorce. If you are following along a little too easily, then she might think that you really do want it. I don't think Plan A means saying YES to a divorce. Second, she might also think she is doing you a favor by getting a divorce. That you deserve someone who can be more domestic, or more devoted, submissive, passive, or whatever else her idea of what being a "wife" is supposed to be. So, again, any talk of divorce from your end will only support any ideas that what she is doing is for the best and will be better for you in the long run. <P>If nothing else, I would try to figure out why being a wife is so abhorrent to her. Something like Retrouville might even be seen as brainwashing...I know I would never set foot in a place that tried to convince me that the road to fulfillment in marriage was about the woman submitting or something like that. I'm not familiar with their philosophy though.<P>It really is important to find out why marriage scares your wife so much.<P><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited March 26, 2001).]

TheStudent:<P>Wow! Sounds like you know my wife about as well as I do. Yes, she believes she has an identity crisis. She has worked for over 70% of our 12 year marriage. She is planning on going back to school in the fall to become a Physician Assistant and someday wants to be a Surgeon. I now fully support her efforts and want to be the best at whatever she does. Obviously, it hasn't always been that way. Call me old fashioned. I agree that yes I do need to talk about some of the issues of the D so that she can see that I'm serious about it too. I've done some of that and it really makes her uncomfortable. I'm going to lay off for a little while and judge by her actions what I need to do. It's easy for you to say that I should move on to someone that will make me happy and I've heard that from others. They say "You deserve better" but that is not what I believe. I am very happy with my family now, I have 3 great children, a beautiful wife, and we live a good life. Sure we can do better and that's what I want. I will do whatever I need to do in order to save my marriage. If I am unable to do that then I will close that door behind me. We went through this 7 years ago and I will not go through it another time. To me we either sink or swim this time. <P>If you have any further suggestions, please do not hesitate to let me know. I'm looking for support and advise anywhere that I can get it.<P>Thanks much,<P>Love, Bill

To: TheStudent,<P>I don't have time to post much today but I'd like to visit with you more. Please keep checking and I'll post soon.<P>Thanks<P>Love, Bill