My H and I are married 15 years and have three children. Though there are several areas in which our relationship could stand improvement, the major issue here is a complete lack of physical connection due to what must be his most important need from me, physical attractiveness. Since having children my weight has been up and down, and our sex life has depended solely on my weight at any given time. When I gain weight, the sex doesn't decrease in frequency, it STOPS. Presently it has been more than a year since we have made love. <br>Six years ago I discovered an affair that he'd been having with a co-worker for three years. I was devastated, especially when he blamed the affair on my lack of sexual appeal, among other things. The months of counseling got us through the crisis and resolved some issues, but the weight/sex issue remains. <br>Please understand that this man is extremely hung-up on appearance. I am 5'9" and presently a sz. 16, and am not happy myself at this weight. However, when I was a sz.12 and comfortable with myself, he was not. He is also "breast obsessed", and last year I had breast implant surgery, though this was a decision that I made for my own benefit, as well as his.<br>At this point I am not only totally depressed with the state of our marriage, but also worried that he may be engaged in another affair. I would rank "sexual fulfillment" as probably his second most important need, and I cannot understand how HE could go more than a year without sexual contact. <br>I have tried so many times to talk this over and try to make him understand that his total withdrawl from me sexually (not only now, but in the past) has completely destroyed my ego. All the talking seemed to have fallen on deaf ears, since he was completely unresponsive ~ up until a month ago.<br>For the past few weeks he has been telling me that he wants to make love, though he is not particularly emphatic or insistent about it. And I feel as though I have coerced him into making this decision. The biggest problem is, NOW I CAN'T DO IT. I get anxious and sick to my stomach when he touches me. I know he feels he is being pushed into making overtures, and it just isn't working.<br>I don't know how a sexless marriage can possibly work. And there is so much "water under the bridge", I don't know how we could ever have a fulfilling sex life again.<p>

I know how Dr. Harley is always saying we need to meet our spouses emotional needs, and that physical attractiveness can be one of them, but there comes a point in time that people (men and women, but ESPECIALLY men) need to be realistic about this one. You say you're 5'9", which is pretty tall for a woman. You say you're in a size 14...to me, that's skinny at your build!! If you're in a size 14, there's no way in hell you could weigh more than 160, unless you're extremely muscular. Now, certain clothes of mine are size 14, I range between 11-14, depending on how they're made. And I'm not fat. I do have a bit extra on the abdomen, and on the hips, but not enough to be labeled overweight in any way. I still wear bikinis in the summer at the beach. I think your husband might be a bit unrealistic about the physical attraction need. This is my opinion: As long as you look as good as you can look, you're at a comfortable and HEALTHY size, then what's the problem? He can't expect you to look like women in porn pictures-all perfectly airbrushed and doctored. That's not real. If he loves you, he would love you for you, not just break you down into "parts". And if he's constantly putting you down, telling you you're not attractive, what the hell does he expect? For you to beg him for sex? C'mon! And if he didn't find you attractive to begin with, why did he marry you? I think I'd start asking...

Weight has been a constant problem in my marriage. I'm right at 5' and overweight by about 50 pounds. But, when we were first married and I weighed 103lbs. I was constantly accused of running around on him! NEVER NEVER NEVER have I run around on him but his first wife did. Through our 25 years of marriage my weight has fluctuated up and down and he has also gained about 35-40 pounds. When I had gained 10 pounds, I was told he was ashamed to walk down the street with me. Of course, now he tells me that no one would ever look at me! So, it is a no win situation. I have lost about 35 pounds since July - but he hasn't noticed. I put on the extra pounds as a side effect of taking antidepressants for migraines and depression! Once, I came off the medications, my weight has been dropping - slowly but steadily. I also came off all diet drinks which seems to have helped. But back to the weight bit. My husband is obsessed with weight, too. Right now our marriage is in the pits. I get flowers one day - with a card that he loves me and then two weeks later am told that he lays in bed praying that God will get him out of his marriage. Sex? When you know someone thinks so little of you, then the emotional need of lovemaking is gone and it is very hard to respond. At least that is how it is for me. Depressed. Yep! I don't know if it is worth it any more and am seeing counsellors. Incidentally, I would give anything to be 5'9" and be your size!

This is my first time visiting the forum and I hadn't expected to reply to anyone's question, but I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if I didn't respond to yours. Please, value YOURSELF more. I am so sorry that your H cannot see beyond his dysfunctions in order to appreciate the beautiful person I'm sure you are- both inside and out. But that's his problem ultimately not yours. You can go on with your life- find real love with someone who loves every inch of you; but not he. He'll do this to someone else. He has a problem and it's not you. Obviously, it's not easy, but in the end those around us treat us as we have trained or allow them to. Sometimes, the only answer is to move on.

Thanks SO MUCH for your replies - it's a comfort to know you are there!<br>To Tommywife,<br>From the time I met my H til our first child came along I was a sz. 8. He didn't realize he was marrying someone with a weight problem, and he once told me he feels "cheated". He's 30 lbs. heavier than when we met, but to him I guess that's different....how I hate the old "double standard"!!! I think it's reasonable to expect one's spouse to take care of themselves (which I do), but horrible to punish them when they fall short of their "ideals".<br>To Barb,<br>I was on prozac for a year, and returned to counseling (solo), but the fact is, I can't change his warped ideas. Neither can you change your H. So what do we do?? I hate the fact that I allow him to make me feel so miserable, but I feel miserable all the same. To make matters worse, my counselor advised restricting my diet further, eliminating all alcohol, and increasing my workouts from 30 min. to 60+ minutes per day! I was overwhelmed, but like a dummy tried to follow his advice! I may have firmed up more, but was not visibly thinner. And his "wonderful advice" set me back even further, as he seemed to sanction my husbands withdrawl from me.<br>We have to learn to be stronger and more independent, but that's not an easy task.<br>To Linger,<br>You are absolutely right - for years I allowed myself to be treated this way, but that doesn't mean it's acceptable for his behavior to continue. Sometimes I wish I could just "move on", but my commitment to maintaining the family for my children's sake keeps me from doing so. If I didn't feel so strongly about this, I would have left him long ago when I discovered his affair.