Well I haven't posted for some time mostly because things were going so badly. His depression came back even on the medication. He was going down and going down fast. As for me I couldn't take anymore so I pulled away from him and closed up that "WALL" as fast as I could. This all started the begining of Jan. Well when it came time for my trip I was more than ready (and even more willing ) to go. Despite our agreement prior he got completely upset at me going and told me to have a miserable time. Well I went and had a wonderful time and I don't regret going at all. When I came home yesturday I was informed that he had been suspended from his job for three days without pay and had a meeting today to determine if he would still be employed. When I asked why it all came down to his depression affecting his work. He wanted for me to say to him, "I'm here for you, we can work through this". To be honest I can't say that. I'm so tired and don't have the strength to hold him up anymore. He needs my support and love and I can't find it in myself to give it to him. He did find out today that he can keep his job but one more mixup and it's all over. I'm really to a point that I really don't know what to do. My wall is high and strong right now and I know it is not helping things at all. I know I will stay for the kids sake right now but I often question if that is reason enough to do it. I know there is not much anyone can say I just needed to vent somewhere. <p>Steph

Hey Steph:<br>You illuded to not posting of late and I'm a new poster so i might not have seen many of your other postings. I'm just glad that you have a forum by which you can vent. It's amazing how these releases can be so simple but yet meaningful. Hope things work out for you.. If you want to chat i'm at joyross@concentric.net All the best!

Steph---<br>sorry to hear the meds aren't doing their job. But as I know, they won't do it ALL. He's got to work at it too. I can understand your attitude. You have been so patient so far.<br>Well, glad you had a good time on your trip. I'm glad you decided to go. Best wishes...

Steph,<p>Really glad to hear you had a good trip. I think you certainly deserved it. Funny how things are working out with us here. I thought my wife and I were on a pretty good track. Now she's back to much computer, little of me. If I say anything she says she has cut back on computer time, and to be fair she has. But she still gives me no little or no physical interaction until time for sex.<br>The thing is I'm getting a little hard inside now. It's getting easier for me to just not include her in my thoughts of doing things. I don't want this to happen because I don't want to get into a state of withdrawl that's hard to come out of. Right now the only thing that keeps me fighting the battle is thinking about how my kids deserve to have a mother and father who stay together. The trick is figuring out how to do this over a long period while having room mate staus. The only thing that's been helping me so far is remembering that we've been married for 20 years and that our problems came to a head only late last summer. It may be that it will take a while for what I want to materialize. Sounds like the race may be won by the patient, not the swift.<br>I hate to see us all here grasping for life preservers after the effort we've exerted. But what else can we do?

joyross,<p>Thank you for your comments. <p>GBM,<p>Thank you too. I got him to go back to the doctor to check the amount or type of drug to see if something else could help. Thank goodness his boss is willing to work with him (it helps that he is related to them ). I hope things are looking better for you.<p>Bruce,<p>(((HUGS))) I wish there was something more I could offer. I'm afraid I've gotten to the hard part and now he is fighting to be let in and I don't want to let him in. Life is easier and safer keeping him on the outside. I find myself in a catch 22. I can't let him in until he is better and I don't think he can get better without me. Someday this is all going to be clear for both of us. Hang in there my friend. <p>Steph

Hey Steph.<p>I've gone through serious depression -- I 'm probably somewhat depressed now. It's a deep hole to climb out of, however, I appreciate that the "non-depressed" spouse can only take so much. Each of has our limits.<p>My concern is if you have addressed the safety issue for both you and your kids. Some men are particularly prone to violence when depressed. I don't speak from experience, I'm quite the opposite. However, one element that snapped me out of my self-destructive thoughts was the repulsive thought of one of my kids finding me with my brains splattered on the ceiling. I'm not sure if your H. has descended that deep -- you need to find out.<p>I encourage you to get some advise from a women's shelter or even your doctor. If your husband's meds are not working and he almost lost his job through his depression it may be safe to say that he is close to the breaking point. You can't force him to see his doctor -- is he taking any form of counselling?<p>A person with severe depression doesn't always think rationally. Please be cautious.<p>Adrift.<p>[This message has been edited by Adrift (edited 02-03-99).]

Adrift,<p>Thank you for your concern. Yes I have looked into all that you have mentioned. He was getting couseling on his own but stopped feeling that he was ok. We currently go to joint counseling and have another session tomorrow. So far he says he will go. I am not forcing him to go to his doctor, that is part of the contract he has with work. He has to have a note from his doctor that he is coming to talk to him. I have options open to me. My parents have offered to let me and the kids come there and live. I just don't think that a separation would help things right now. I spend most of time in prayer now. That is really all I have left at this point. What scares me most is losing my house and all that I have worked for. I keep telling myself that those things can be replaced but thats not that encouraging. I think what bugs me the most is that his depression controls him. I know deep down this is hurting him and that he wants to be better but can't. I guess that is what keeps me here. IF for some chance we can get through this I know things will be good. Anyways, thanks for you concern. <p>Steph