I'm going on a month and a half of seperation and have already moved my things from the apartment to my new home. H is intent on a D(no papers yet) and so I have no hope for a reconcilliation.<BR>I thought I was doing okay and feeling better but today I find myself back to feeling lower than low. I still can't bear the thought of this D, of him leaving me for another woman, of possibly never seeing my H again. <BR>When does it start to hurt less? When will I get through a week with no tears? I still can't believe that this man would do this to me...to us. He was my best friend and lover for 10 years and he's seemed to forget about all of that within a couple of months. This woman(as he has blurted out in frustration) doesn't mean as much to him emotionally but rather he is lusting after her due to her looks(He once yelled at me "What do you want? I'm an a****** that left his wife for a younger, prettier woman. The truth always comes out in his anger) How long dies he believe this will last? How long will he be able to bear up under her mistrust(that's been a major issue between them) and he with his?(she cheated on her fiance to be with him) <BR>I'm just so sad, frustrated and angry and I have no means to vent this. All of my friends(his former ones) are convinved that he will return at some point on bended knee but would I even want that? I love him but he's so alien to me now, I don't even feel comfortable talking to him anymore and haven't spoken with him in three weeks.

Hi there,<P>I just wanted to post and let you know that we're here for you. You're not alone in all this. I don't have a long time to be on the computer at the moment, otherwise you would have an in-depth post from me. But I didn't want you to feel no-one cares. We do.<P>But be prepared to feel like this for some time to come yet. Sorry. This is the most revolting, heart wrenching, painful thing you will probably ever go through. And 2 years down the track, I still don't have any answers for what has happened to my life.<P>You will read a lot about the betrayer being in a fog. That is how they are during their affairs. They don't see reality, they don't feel it. Nothing matters but the OW. But eventually, they do hit rock bottom and come out of the fog. When that time is, is different for everyone. My ex-h still isn't out of his.<P>I think maybe this part of the forum may not be for you at this particular time. You have so much fresh new pain. Have you visited the Just Found Out forum?<BR>Over here at Divorced, although we all well remember the pain and anguish we went through, for most of us, it was some time ago. Although we are all still hurting, and still trying to come to grips with what has happened in our lives, the immediate reactions of finding out our spouses had someone new has diminished somewhat.<P>Please don't get me wrong, we are here for you in any shape or way. Don't ever forget that. Don't leave here or feel that you don't belong here. I'm just trying to point out that others may be exactly where you are now.<P>This experience has been described as a rollercoaster ride by many. Believe me, it's true. I have never experienced such violent highs and lows. Sometimes on an hourly basis.!! And the feeling that I was alone in all this. NO-ONE could possibly know how I felt. WRONG. That is what is so fantastic about this board. We all know what it's like, and what we're going through. We can be there for each other in ways that people who haven't experienced this could never know.<P>I'm thinking of you, and feeling for you. I'll try to get back to you later, I'm sorry but I really have to go.<P>Take care of you, and do something nice for yourself today. Visit a girlfriend, go to a movie, have your nails done, but do something for you. I used to do that, and it helped. Even if only for an hour.<P>take care of you, and I'm sending you a big hug<BR>Don't forget, we're here for you.<BR>Jo

Same boat...<P>Short synopsis<P>Wife, WS (still seeing him) and I are getting divorce. Have one 4 year old daughter and I will be the primary caregiver. Blah blah blah.<P>It is absolutely normal for you to feel the way you do. I felt that way too and still do occasionally.<P>Five steps of grieving process...<BR>Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance<P>You will move back and forth between them until you get to acceptance. You don't just move from one to the next. I'm on the tail end of the process, luckily. I've found that if I have thoughts of denial, anger, or bargaining, I wind right back up in depression. I'm clinging to acceptance as much as possible though I did go through a bad spell of depression when I was wore out from a week of the flu recently. I was away from my new routine for too long. I had to get back to the job that I absolutely love.<P>Here's the bottom line. You can do plan A (show him how good you can be). If that doesn't work do plan B (sever all contact with him). Read Dr. Harley's stuff, all of it. Plan B may be in order since he is so far in the fog. He hasn't started missing you yet and it will take that (and some trouble with the OW) to snap him out of the fog. (if he ever wakes up) [WARNING - this is too short a version to fully explain the dynamics of the situation] Get yourself (and him if possible) to a good counselor. Again, read all of Dr. Harley's stuff. Start with "Surviving an Affair". (explains Plan A and Plan B) I think you will be amazed at how close Dr. Harley gets things. Usually you can substitute you and your spouse's names into the stories and perfectly describe your situation. It's spooky.<P>Your husband will reap what he sows... A strong relationship foundation cannot be built on lies, deceit, secrets, and mistrust.<P>Oh, about the depression. You will have bad spells that will get less bad over time. They will also get farther apart. They will not go away overnight. Everytime you have a spell, consider it progress. Let it out so that you can get to feeling normal again. You are feeling jagged as part of you has been ripped away. You will heal in time. Get yourself a new routine and keep busy. If you're busy having fun, then you don't have time to feel bad.<P>Good Luck<P>Been there, done that (still doing it some), getting better every day

I am going throught the exact same thing, so if you need someone to talk to please e-mail me at tami101964@yahoo.com<BR>we're going to get better and I promise you in a year we'll be wondering how did we allow someone to have that much control over our emotions,<P>believe me talking to others on this board has helped me so much I cannot believe it, the people here are so supportive without judging it's unreal that there are so many beautiful people out there who will give you support, so when you feel week log on, as trivial as it sounds.....

Go to the General Question board!! Read through the concepts...By the book Surviving an affair...And mostly remember you are not alone!!<P>Bill

Nduli, old friend..I wondered when you show up again..was getting worried. Stop worrying about him and how you can fix it...you can't. This is your time to grow strong and be the woman you know you are. Look deep inside. Look to your values..It's ok to love someone who doesn't measure up, but it's not ok to lower your values to make yourself acceptable to him. Make a list of all the things you stopped doing because of him and do them now. Eat well, take your anger and depression on the road and walk it off. Make a list of all the great things you are..concerntrate on yourself. I've been where you are and I'm climbing the ladder out (See Plan C thread in general questions) Find us for support. Love yourself.<BR>T

Thanks everyone. I am feeling better than I had been, during the first week I was a mess; nonstop crying and walking around in a daze. Now I just feel such a deep sense of dissapointment and missing my friend constantly. My mind still has a hard time resolving the man I fell in love with, with the man that he has become.<BR>I came back to our mutual hometown and am now rooming with two other people. Both happen to be two of my husband's best friends(mine as well) and they are feeling it as well.It's comforting in a way to be with people who know both of us so well and can understand what I'm trying to say but at the same time it's also painful to see the dissapointment on their faces too. They have the same thought of "he should be here right now" at times when we're all sitting in the kitchen talking.<BR>I know I will never understand why things got as bad as they did and why my H changed into the man he is now, but I can't stop second guessing myself and my actions. Wondering if I had done one thing differently would the outcome have changed? <BR>I really miss him.

Nduli2,<P>Feeling the same way you are. Missing the man I married so much. I cry everyday still. I walk in a fog most of the day until anger or accceptance peek in for awhile then it is back down I go. I can not imagine my future without him as my husband and I have asked myself why at least a million times.<P>Keep posting. Think there are several of us who are at about the same point in all this mess.<P>Take Care.<P>

I never realized breaking up would be so bad, I always thought I would take it on the chin and move on. But I'm just so confused and dissillusioned. I can't understand how in such a short time he could go from being my best friend who I could tell anything to, to my enemy. I didn't even do anything to provoke it. <BR> I had my flaws as we all do but in nine years I never did anything of this caliber to hurt him and I don't see how he can so easily destroy our entire life together with seemingly no regrets. Especially to leave for a woman who is a disaster waiting to happen(never lived away from home, is on multiple medications daily to control allergies and mental problems. Has been committed to a mental hospital. Id obssessive with him. Doesn't like sex, it's amazing the e-mails my H never deleted from his computer.) She's not a great catch or anything and their personalities clash like crazy. It makes no sense.<BR>

Dear Nduli,<P>Hon, it is not suppose to make sense to rational people. If it did we might all be doing it. But we don't. Why? We are not in the fog. <P>Your best friend now turned fiend is one confused person. Seems like that one little letter 'r' changes a persons whole attitude. The letter R in friend stand for REMEMBER. Your job is to help your H remember the good times and how much you love him. Put the R back in his life so he can learn to be your best fRiend again. <P>Good thing we don't have more than one spouse or this could be twice as bad. Sorry bad joke. Anyway, you are not in the fog, concentrate on what you have going for you. <P>Right now you have your sanity, you have your respect, dignity and friends. I am sure you can think of more. It does not fully replace your loved one but it will work on a temporary basis until you get stronger. <P>Your heart will ache seeing WS stumble in the fog and yet act like they are in full control of their faculties. Better you see where he is at than you both be in the fog. <P>I also feel your pain and unfortunately can not make it go away for you. However, we are a strong team here. Vent as you need, we understand. I too am having a hard time and posted a long one on the Divorce site. <P>Those who posted responses to you have good advice and show their support. It is because we care for you. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>

Is it possible to remind him of these things when I'm 200 miles away? The guy had my things packed and by the front door when I came last week to retrieve them. He seems hell bent on a D. I leave him be, write him occasionally or send a "I miss you" card. I do miss him and I want him to know that he need not be afraid of me, he doesn't.<BR> Through all this I've had so many means in which to exact revenge on him, if I was a different person the man would be in a world of hurt right now. But I won't do it. I'm wonder if he knows this and appreciates it.<BR> Much of what he used to complain about when it came to me has dissapated. I'ma more independent person than I remembered and no longer -need- him. But I sorely miss the person he was and think overall that person was a better man. He might think differently but it's obvious to anyone involved in the situation. Not just my friends but outsiders who know neither of us. The OW might tell him all is well but I think she's the only one doing so.

Dear Nduli2,<P>Yes, I think it is possible. In fact the advantage is that time and distance may make the heart grow fonder. I am finding out that OWs create the illusion that they are somewhere near perfect. They think they are the nirvana (a time or condition for peace and great joy)for Ws's soul. <P>Guess what? That couldn't be further from the truth. We all know it. Even the OWs and Ws's of this world. But it is just a matter of when it is in their face and can no longer be denied. Until then, our patience is tried and tested. <P>Use this knowledge to the best of your advantage. Remember who has the sanity here. You can do it but know that your efforts will need to be received on the other end and that is not something you have full control over. You have time, God and friends on your side. They only have each other. <P>Just be glad you are NOT in the fog of despair. <P>L. <p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited March 26, 2001).]

The major thing that gives me comfort through this is that I've left this relationship with my integrity and honesty intact. I never held back from my stbx and I never covered up my feelings. He on the other hand has totally trashed whatever self respoect and decency he had.<BR> I realize now that my road after all this will be easier than his. He's flung himself headlong into a relatioship with a woman who doesn't trust him(her parents whom she lives with dislike him for his adultery), alienated himself from those who know him best and is going to be under financial strain for a good long while.<BR> I don't envy my H at all. Would I ever go back to him? Hard to say really, at the moment I would say "hell no" but if the circumstances are right perhaps. I just count myself lucky that I sidestepped the upcoming train wreck and will be well out of the path of destruction when it comes.