My wife and were approaching our twentieth anniversary. I felt like we were closer and happier than ever. Then I found out that I have genital herpes. I have never been with another woman in my life. My wife tried to convince me that she must have gotten it from a tanning bed. Finally, she admitted that she had gotten it from someone that she had met on the internet. She had known him for about a week. I began to wonder what the odds were of getting herpes from a one night stand, so I questioned her about it. She said that she had never been unfaithful before. I threatened to get copies of her chat room conversations. (I didn't know if this was possible or not but she didn't either). <BR> Because of that threat she told me that there was someone else that she had met on the internet - No. 2. When I asked her why this happened, she said that it was because she had fallen in love with someone, and because his wife had forbidden him to talk to her, she was heartbroken and turned to someone else - or in this case two someone else's.<BR> I was reeling when she told me this, but I couldn't help thinking, "She hasn't told me anything that she thought I wasn't going to find out anyway." When I voiced this thought to her, She blurted out another name. This time she revealed that she was having an affair with someone the week that we got married twenty years ago, and that the affair continued two months after we got married. It had lasted for two years after that, until the man moved away. Even when he moved, she still wrote him letters for a year.<BR> I believed that this was the final truth until about a month later when she told me about a 16 year old boy who had walked her to her car after a visit to his mother's house one night. He kissed her and they ended up having sex in a barn. This was about 15 years ago. She was 23 at the time.<BR> She also revealed that she had gone to visit relatives with her mother about 20 years ago and met a man in a bar. She ended up in bed with him also.<BR> I had no way of knowing about the last three men. I can't think of any way that I would have been able to find out, given the amount of time elapsed and the fact that none of the men live here anymore. <BR> I have two teen age daughters. They do not know what their mother has done. I am afraid of the effect it would have on them, so we have not told them. I don't know if this is the right approach or not. They know that their mother and I are having problems, and we never had before. They blame me; they think I am going through a "mid-life crises". In three months, I lost forty pounds. My hair was thinning anyway, but now it is gone. People tell me that I look awful and wonder if I've been sick. <BR> My wife has be rebaptised. She assures me that she now is a different person and that the events of the past will never happen again. I ask her why she can be so sure and she says, "Because I got caught". I don't understand why it took that to change her. I think about my daughters and their future. They haven't done anything and they don't deserve to be punished. My wife and I are going to counseling and we are trying to work through this.<BR> I am having a hard time coping with this. I wonder whether I have done the right thing by staying with her. I want to believe that she has changed, but she was an excellent liar. I never suspected anything. If I hadn't got the disease, I guess she would have gone on having affairs for the rest of our lives, and I never would have known. <BR> I wonder if there is anyone out there with a similar experience who has been able to work through it? Or is there someone who tried and got burned again? Please tell me what you think. And please pray for me and my family.

Justafool,<P>Just wanted to let you know that someone is out here reading. Your wife really unloaded at lot at one time. You must be in such pain.<P>Weekends are slow here so hold on. Sundays evenings pick up and you should see some good advice. <P>I am pretty new at this myself but it seems like your wife has some real issues in her life that she is not dealing with. <P>Read Private Lies by Pittman and Surviving an Affair by Harley. These books help tremendously in understanding what is happening to you.<P>Also you may want to try posting on the Just Found Out section under infidelity. More than likely you'll get one or two people who are going throught the same thing. just reading through the posts is very enlightening.<P>Take Care.<P>p.s. BTW you are not the fool in this situation!!!!!

I am very sorry for your pain. Your story is truly heartbreaking. I would like to say that you are not a fool.<BR>It is your wife who was a fool. You loved her, trusted her and believed her. She was the one who cheated on you prior to your marriage and after and gave you the disease. You sound like a man of honor. I will not say what she sounds like. Only you know what is best for you but unfortunately it really sounds like she has had a pattern of behavior that has continued for some time (assuming you know everything which is questionable)and the chances are pretty good that it will probably continue in the future since you said she is really a good liar. Do you feel that your wife is truly remorseful? I know that many people would split after contacting a disease from a wayward spouse. I guess my question is that you mentioned that your health is deteriorating at a rapid rate. Do you feel that your health will continue to deteriorate by staying with her? I think that you deserve happiness and I hope that you can find it whether you stay or leave your wife. I am constantly amazed that some people can do these things to people that love them. I will never understand this. I wish you luck my friend.

Justafool,<P>First off, I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you. I too went through the nightmare of an unfaithful wife, and I have a pretty good idea of what a mind bending and gut wrenching experience it can be. What drew me to these boards was Dr. Harley's recognition that marital infidelity is probably the worst kind of spousal abuse. It hurts big time.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by justafool:<BR><B> I have two teen age daughters. They do not know what their mother has done. I am afraid of the effect it would have on them, so we have not told them. I don't know if this is the right approach or not. They know that their mother and I are having problems, and we never had before. They blame me; they think I am going through a "mid-life crises". In three months, I lost forty pounds. My hair was thinning anyway, but now it is gone. People tell me that I look awful and wonder if I've been sick.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This was the passage from your post that tells me you really aren't a fool. If you want to try to save your marriage, the best thing you can do is keep it between your wife, you and a competent counsler, preferably one that uses marriage builders principles. Once other family members and friends find out, they start taking sides, and the problems multiply. You will soon find out there is no place to hide.<P>Where your daughters are concerned, if your pudendum falls off, you still can't tell them, and I recommend that you not tell anyone else either. Promise you, one way or the other, it will backfire if you do. Try to protect your relationship with your daughters as much as you can. Wives come and go, but the kids are forever.<P>I think you made a wise move keeping this from the children. I'll keep watching this thread, and if you respond, I'll stay in touch. Meantime, how about reading some of Dr. Harley's columns on dealing with infidelity? They are available from the Marriage Builders Home Page.<P>Praying for you,<P>Bumper<P>

Hi Justafool, I'm weirded out - and I basically had the same shock you have.<P>I was married 14 years, but together 20. My H moved me away to another state and the first thing that happened to me after I joined him here was a miserable infection, and I have since found it's herpes too. After I discovered his current affair, I learned there were a whole lot of others. I didn't learn from him because he still denies it, even denies he has herpes!!!!! - but I found out by myself and am still not sure just how many there were. I was also clueless on all this, completely. I was very happily married, so I thought. The only difference is that he didn't want to quit, and judging from what I found, he was working on the OW's secretary as well so I doubt he'll be faithful to the OW either. I'm sorry to say that we divorced a year later.<P>Having said that, if I had seen one ounce of remorse from him or sorrow for what he'd done to me and the children, I'd have given him the chance, but he kept spitting in my face and lying to me. Of course, the only way I knew it was because I DID check up on him a lot and I don't regret it now because I found out what his real intentions were. He was also the perfect liar, handsome as hollywood and charming - he could deceive anyone and did it well. When I discovered he really had no intentions of quitting, he was so angry I found him out and really put me thru hell the last year. I'm now in the process of moving back "home".<P>I know how you feel, but at least it might not be the end for your marriage. Give it the best chance you can. I'm not one who believes people can't change, but they can only change if they really want to (and in my opinion, usually it takes some help from God). It must be so hard to bite your tongue around your daughters. I don't know if I'd have the strength to. One day tho, your girls will somehow find out what happened and look at your integrity and admire you more than anyone on the planet. I know this. It happened to my father - not herpes, but he went thru a lot with my mom's cheating & divorcing him and now that I know, well, all I can say is he is the most dignified and best dad ever. I have a hard time with my mom, even tho I still love her, I have little respect.<P>This probably doesn't help you. That's because even now I feel just as mixed up and deeply saddened as I was a year ago. There's others out here that have had the same experience - but it's not over yet for you and doesn't have to be. I just hope she has a better reason for quitting than having been "caught". I mean anyone can "quit" after they've been caught and acquired an STD. What she really needs is sorrow and regret, then you can tell whether she really means it or not. I always pray for people who ask, so I will pray for your family. Take care.<P><P>------------------<BR>Kathy

Hi again,<P>Justafool, I just want to encourage you to get some testing done because there are lots of other nasty things that you could have been exposed to also - just to be safe. Your wife should also be tested.<P>I know this isn't fair. You're happy, have no idea, clueless, and the person you love the most in the world is out putting your life at risk. Add your daughters on top of that; it's really unfair that they automatically look at you as the culprit because you're a man. I'm so sorry and sad for you. On top of the pile, if you can't keep your marriage together, now you have a disease and feel like it's the end of your life practically, like you'll be alone forever now. I know it, and it's horrible. People keep telling me how common this is, common enough that there's commercials about it on tv for products that help. So, maybe it is, I don't know - just hang in there, what other choice is there. Try not to focus on it cause that is the worse thing for you to do. Focus on what to do for your marriage and other positive things. It is hard.<P>Just so you know, you're not the only one and I know there must be many others in the same boat right here on this board.<P>Take care, again, God bless.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy

The not-yet-well-publicized one to check for is Hepatitis C. Few symptoms--until your liver suddenly just goes into <I>early retirement</I>. Early treatment can forestall that.

Thank you for your reply. I am new at this and I didn't mean to post under divorcing/divorced. I did copy it over into the recovering section. I ordered Surviving the Affair. Thanks for caring.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by HopelessinAZ:<BR><B>Justafool,<P>Just wanted to let you know that someone is out here reading. Your wife really unloaded at lot at one time. You must be in such pain.<P>Weekends are slow here so hold on. Sundays evenings pick up and you should see some good advice. <P>I am pretty new at this myself but it seems like your wife has some real issues in her life that she is not dealing with. <P>Read Private Lies by Pittman and Surviving an Affair by Harley. These books help tremendously in understanding what is happening to you.<P>Also you may want to try posting on the Just Found Out section under infidelity. More than likely you'll get one or two people who are going throught the same thing. just reading through the posts is very enlightening.<P>Take Care.<P>p.s. BTW you are not the fool in this situation!!!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><p>[This message has been edited by justafool (edited March 26, 2001).]

Thank you for your reply. You asked if I thought my wife is truly remorseful. My wife and I have had words about this. She does not seem to be taking this as hard as I would. She says that she is remorseful, but that she is also happy that she still has her family. She says that it is like her eyes have been opened and she sees for the first time that she was taking me for granted. I want to believe her. Believe it or not, I still love her.<BR> I am trying to get things under control as far as my health is concerned. My appetite has returned somewhat. I still have trouble going to sleep. I wish I could learn to control my thoughts. I have begun an execise program. I hope that I will not continue to deteriorate if I stay. I don't know if it would be any better if I left.<BR> Thank you for your kind words. I think you deserve happiness too, and I hope you find it.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bryanp:<BR><B>I am very sorry for your pain. Your story is truly heartbreaking. I would like to say that you are not a fool.<BR>It is your wife who was a fool. You loved her, trusted her and believed her. She was the one who cheated on you prior to your marriage and after and gave you the disease. You sound like a man of honor. I will not say what she sounds like. Only you know what is best for you but unfortunately it really sounds like she has had a pattern of behavior that has continued for some time (assuming you know everything which is questionable)and the chances are pretty good that it will probably continue in the future since you said she is really a good liar. Do you feel that your wife is truly remorseful? I know that many people would split after contacting a disease from a wayward spouse. I guess my question is that you mentioned that your health is deteriorating at a rapid rate. Do you feel that your health will continue to deteriorate by staying with her? I think that you deserve happiness and I hope that you can find it whether you stay or leave your wife. I am constantly amazed that some people can do these things to people that love them. I will never understand this. I wish you luck my friend.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thank you for your advice. We are seeing a couseler and are trying to work things out. I appreciate your advice as far as my daughters are concerned. There are, however, a few people who know this story. They are those closest to my wife and to me. As far as I know they have kept it to themselves. I think you are right though, that the fewer who know the better. I took your advice and am reading Dr. Harley's columns. Thank you for your prayers. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bumperii:<BR><B>Justafool,<P>First off, I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you. I too went through the nightmare of an unfaithful wife, and I have a pretty good idea of what a mind bending and gut wrenching experience it can be. What drew me to these boards was Dr. Harley's recognition that marital infidelity is probably the worst kind of spousal abuse. It hurts big time.<P> This was the passage from your post that tells me you really aren't a fool. If you want to try to save your marriage, the best thing you can do is keep it between your wife, you and a competent counsler, preferably one that uses marriage builders principles. Once other family members and friends find out, they start taking sides, and the problems multiply. You will soon find out there is no place to hide.<P>Where your daughters are concerned, if your pudendum falls off, you still can't tell them, and I recommend that you not tell anyone else either. Promise you, one way or the other, it will backfire if you do. Try to protect your relationship with your daughters as much as you can. Wives come and go, but the kids are forever.<P>I think you made a wise move keeping this from the children. I'll keep watching this thread, and if you respond, I'll stay in touch. Meantime, how about reading some of Dr. Harley's columns on dealing with infidelity? They are available from the Marriage Builders Home Page.<P>Praying for you,<P>Bumper<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Your story does sound very similar to mine. The difference is that my wife did finally admit to what she had done. Some of them, like the ones so long ago, I don't think I could have ever known. This makes me have hope that she truly is trying to change. <BR> I also would like to have had a better reason for quitting than having been caught. I don't see sorrow and regret like I would expect, at least not like I feel like I would be. She points out that she is remorseful, but at the same time, she is very happy to still have her family. <BR> Thank you very much for sharing with me the story of your father. You did help me very much. I can understand still being mixed up and sad. I would think that is normal for what we've been through. Our counseler told us that it would take us two years to get over this. <BR> We have had some testing done for HIV and so far the tests have come back negative. I have been told that the accuracy of the test is near 100% after six months. If that's so, then we'll know for sure after our test next month. <BR> Thank you for your advice and your sympathy. It is good to know I'm not the only one. I will try to do as you say and focus on the positive things. It is hard. Thank you for your prayers.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by weirded out:<BR><B>Hi again,<P>Justafool, I just want to encourage you to get some testing done because there are lots of other nasty things that you could have been exposed to also - just to be safe. Your wife should also be tested.<P>I know this isn't fair. You're happy, have no idea, clueless, and the person you love the most in the world is out putting your life at risk. Add your daughters on top of that; it's really unfair that they automatically look at you as the culprit because you're a man. I'm so sorry and sad for you. On top of the pile, if you can't keep your marriage together, now you have a disease and feel like it's the end of your life practically, like you'll be alone forever now. I know it, and it's horrible. People keep telling me how common this is, common enough that there's commercials about it on tv for products that help. So, maybe it is, I don't know - just hang in there, what other choice is there. Try not to focus on it cause that is the worse thing for you to do. Focus on what to do for your marriage and other positive things. It is hard.<P>Just so you know, you're not the only one and I know there must be many others in the same boat right here on this board.<P>Take care, again, God bless.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><p>[This message has been edited by justafool (edited March 26, 2001).]

Thanks for the information Sisyphus. I didn't know this disease existed. I will try to get tested for it. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>The not-yet-well-publicized one to check for is Hepatitis C. Few symptoms--until your liver suddenly just goes into <I>early retirement</I>. Early treatment can forestall that.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>