Well, it took me a long time but here I am. I have been posting on GQ11 for a while. Then came here. So sad to see so many friends here - some of you have struggled for as long as me (or onger) and have given me good soound advice and comment when I needed it. <P>I wont go into the long story here - briefly, I went into Plan A about August last year. Left home after discovering OW was still v. much in the picture in November. Had an unsuccessful Plan B over Christmas/January. Then went to Plan B again when I discovered the continued involvement with OW - despite the reassurrances (by letter and e-mail when I would not talk with him) that he was trying to sort himself out. <P>Well, we are both in our fifties and have been married for 16 years (second time for both) - here we were in Plan B - and he is still desperately keeping contact with me - and I find out he is spending even more time (well, so his phone bills indicate)with OW - yet he tells me he is not seeing her. Why keep on lying after all this time? Two weeks ago I decided to return to our home - I need to be amongst my own things and in my own place and to begin the personal recovery journey. This meas H has had to move out. <P>Last w/end he said "Do you think we should talk about a divorce". I said no but I would not stand in his way if he wanted to go that way. I got all the usual b^%^$^$% about how much he cares for me, how I am the most important person in his life etc. - and then some suggested arrangements for "the end" - including a quite generous financial settlement. Within hours of separating from that meeting he sent me a long e-mail reminiscing about all the happy times we have had in our life and telling me how sad he is that "it has come to this". Later he rang and wanted to talk again. So we met last Sunday - guess what, he had mothing to say. We did a few chores together in the house and then he started giving me some instructions about work that is needed on the house etc. I deserve a medal !!! I didnt LB & instead just said "This is our home and I will look after it as well as I can. I hope one day you will choose to return here and work on recovering ourlove and trust and life together. I will miss you very much but until then it is less painful to me to have no contact with you so would you please leave now. He fussed around for another hour while I nearly went mad holding my tongue - wanting him to leave with peace and dignity. Then he gave me a hug and left. I didnt cry until after he left. Now, I fully expect he will be in contact again - about thehouse, or asking me to go to his annual board dinner, or his brothers birthday - or something. I wont be doing any of those things - I have had enough. I want total commitment to recovery - or nothing. <P>So, here I am venting. Made worse by a call from a friend tonight who tells me mutual acquaintance who is No 1 gossip is telling everybody all about our situation. Who the the hell told her?? Same friend who organised a dinner party for H and OW I suppose.<P>Oh boy, I am so angry - for the first time in a long time I have really let the anger surface; here is where I feel safest to let it out so please forgive me for thelength of this - and thankyoou if you have managed toread this far - and make any sense of this. I sure cant.<P>R

Hi Rosebrook,<P>just wanted to let you know I'm here for you. This time difference works in my favour sometimes!!<P>This is so hard isn't it. They will never understand what they put us through.<P>I take my hat off to you for the way you handled him and the situation. I wish I could have done the same.<P>Are you sure he is in contact with OW? I agree all indicators point to it, ie phone bill, but why is he still denying it? Could she be making it hard for him, and making contact when it is not really him. Could she just be making trouble.<P>You mention your ages as if it means something? The one thing that I have realised from being here is that infidelity knows no boundaries. Not ages, social backgrounds, careers, families, NOTHING. Where these other people are concerned, they have no respect for anything but themselves.<P>I think you did the right thing. Plan B. Maybe some time apart will make him realise exactly what he has, and what he stands to lose.<P>Keep posting. I'm sorry, I don't know your story other than this post, but I will try and go back to find out more.<P>I didn't want you to post and feel alone. I know what that's like. Although for the most part, the time difference is my main bugbear!!!<P>Always remember we're here for you, and whatever you say is ok, and how you feel is ok. We all understand. Like no-one else possibly could.<P>I'll be on the board for a while. Post again if you're still here.<P>love and hugs<P>Jo<P>ps<P>you WILL get through this you know. We all do. Somehow, someway, but we do.

Thankyou so much. I have read yourposts before and appreciate your wisdom. Actually we are in the same time zone in Australia. I smiled when I read a recent reference to QANTAS that you made. The age ? Well, I guess it is just that I was thinking "he is acting like a teenager" - and she is 20-25 years younger than him. I sure am hurting. <P>R

Hi Rosebrook, <P>Welcome to the forum. You'll meet a lot of friends and find a lot of support here.<P>I'm no expert on your situation, but is your H having a midlife crisis? I'm 28 and I would NOT be interested in someone almost twice my age, but that's just me I guess. I guess I don't get what's with women who find another woman's husband interesting anyhow, except thrill of the chase maybe.<P>Are you currently in Plan A?<P>Dana<BR>

Dana (and others)<P>Thanks for your message. No I am not in Plan A. I tried for many months - and did quite a good Plan A i think. But the time has come for a strong Plan B - as Jennifer and others who have followed my story agree. I have tried Plan B before but not very successfully. Problem is that H continues to try and make contact - ususally via e-mail or a phone call about household management type things. yesterday he sent me an e-mail reminding me that the time of a favourite TV program had changed. I just dont get it and he seems really confused - really cares for me etc. - but will not give up OW. Neither can I imagine why someone 20-25 years younger would want to be with an "older man" - except he is well presented, quite well off (or was!), and very charming. It is not a mid life crisis so much as a fear of older age I think (perhaps they are the same??). Anyway my guess is that OW may not find him so attractive if/when she becomes "intimate" with his bad back, ulcer, varicose veins etc!!!<P>R

Rosebrook. Get the book by Phil McGraw on distancer/pursuers. Your H knows how to keep you in "the corner"...where he wants you. You can plan A or B and still remain distant...or detached. It is done without judgment or expectation...and in the end...whatever happens you will be a better you!!!

Tootrusting (and others)<P>Thanks for the advice about the book. I checked amazon.com and came up with a few titles. Do you have the exact title?<P>what you say sounds right. I have had two e-mails from H in past 24 hours. One was to suggest he would come home on Sunday for the day. The next was to say he did not wish to "inconvenience" me - and asked me to send him some business information that is in the files here. <P>Once I would have jumped at the opportunity to see him, always hopeful that the next time we would really begin the path to recovery. Right now I am torn between (a) sending him an e-mail that simply says "go away, leave me in peace" (b) sending him an e-mail that sets out why I can have no contact with him - it hurts too much (c) doing nothing.<P>I will probably do the latter - I have not LB'd for a long time but I can sure feel it coming on right now. <P>I look forward to hearing more about the McGraw book. I will also send a note on GQ11 to ask whether anyone else knows the book in case you do not have the title<P>Thanks R

Rosebrook,<P>I didn't mean disrespect towards your h, just thinking out loud, I have seen guys that are older than me and thought they were very good looking (guys are lucky that way, they look better as they age!). I just mean realistically, what happens ten years from then, when your in your prime and he's really at a much different pace in life. But I always look way too far into the future and am working on that issue of my own!<P>I don't know much about midlife crisis, except, don't laugh, my whole family thought my H went thru it, even his doctor...at 27!!! I know, it sounds absurd, but we had 3 kids under age 8, a house, 2 cars, debt, careers, many things that our friends mid 30's didn't have and we were 25 doing it. His doc felt he got burnt out. Overwhelmed. Needed to feel like "he still had it". <P>It sounds like what you said, that he still loves you and might not be totally ready to lose you. I quit plan A and abandon plan b, which was a mistake, but there are a lot of people here who did do a plan b. And the good thing is that either it works, and brings you together again, or it doesn't ,but you learn to let go with that space.<P>Good luck, hugs, Dana<BR>