I only have one thing to say to you, Mike. Amen, Brother. I have learned so much this year that sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in everything I learned! I just wish there had been a way to learn these things without such a great cost--but I suspect I would have been too stubborn to learn them if it hadn't been so costly. <P>Have a great weekend everyone!<P><BR>CJ<P>P.S. Que Sera, I'll write back to you on Monday, but right now I am going out on a DATE! Can you believe it? <P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Mikes last sentence of his last reply (in the entire thread's usage of the word) was the first use of the word "will" that hit on "what love is"...<P><B>Love</B> is an act of the "will"...<BR><B>Liking</B> (used more superficially) is a feeling... (neither right nor wrong)!<P>When our "wills" are mature enough...<BR>When our "wills" reach for (even though never attain) perfection...<P>We are Love.<P> <P>Jim

Que Sera,<P>I told you I would write back, and here I am! Yesterday was a long and hard day, so I'm writing to you this morning before it gets crazy here at work.<P>I re-read your post and the main thing that I can think of is that I admire you. You have a very good grasp of yourself, your x, unconditional love, conditional love and anger, and I was really impressed reading what you wrote. <P>You are right about one thing, I did not understand what you meant in your first post, and I am glad that you clarified things more. Too often I have heard on this forum of people who were willing to let their marriage go because their spouse behaved in ways that were irritating, rather than working on themself and working with their spouse. <P>I particularly liked what you wrote about anger. One of the biggest lessons I have learned this year is that anger is a feeling, but violence is an action. Anger actually can be good, because that is the way that you know that there is something you need to deal with. Naturally, as a young lady, I was raised that a real lady is not angry and anger is bad, so it has been a real lesson to learn how to recognize anger in it's earlier stages and deal with it right away. Now just so you know, I agree with what you said about personality types vs. anger management. As a rule of thumb, I don't believe it is usually necessary to leave a marriage or break a commitment due to personality type differences; just learn about your differences and learn from your differences and move on. BUT specifically as it relates to anger management styles, you're right--that can be a much more serious problem. <P>In my particular instance, my H was a verbally abusive, physically intimidating, rage-a-holic. If he had purposely chosen to deny his anger problems and not deal with them, you are right--I would have had to evaluate if it is even safe for me to stay. I'm lucky that he has realized that he has an anger problem and is trying to change his methods of managing his anger. He's not always "successful", but at least he's working on it. So, I understand what you mean and I agree.<P>Last, but not least, I loved your last paragraph about unconditional love and conditional love. I think that in a marriage there needs to be some level of unconditional love, and I know that sounds strange to make unconditional love a thing that has "levels", but what I mean is the acceptance of someone for who they are and the security of knowing that the commitment is more than just "feelings". But the conditional love is DEFINITELY what Harley is talking about when he discusses LBs and ENs--these conditional things are the parts of a marriage that either build love or withdraw love. <P>Thanks for writing back, and I look forward to talking in the future. I love these posts that are a little deeper and make me think!<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithfulWife:<BR><B><BR>I re-read your post and the main thing that I can think of is that I admire you. You have a very good grasp of yourself, your x, unconditional love, conditional love and anger, and I was really impressed reading what you wrote.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>FW - THANK YOU for the compliment. That's very nice of you to say, and makes me feel good to get that outside opinion because I really am trying to understand all this. I feel like I've been in a cloud, so to speak, for much of my life not really knowing why I do some of the things that I do, particularly the neg. stuff. But, not really knowing how to stop it either. Now that I'm getting a better understanding of myself, I feel like I'm gathering the tools to make the changes that I don't like in my behaviors, that I've never really liked. This is just the tip of the iceburg. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I particularly liked what you wrote about anger. One of the biggest lessons I have learned this year is that anger is a feeling, but violence is an action. Anger actually can be good, because that is the way that you know that there is something you need to deal with.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, the same for me too. The biggest thing I'm learning now is that yes, anger is a good feeling, but it needs to be expressed respectfully to others and used in a problem solving way. Huge light bulb going off for me there.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Last, but not least, I loved your last paragraph about unconditional love and conditional love. I think that in a marriage there needs to be some level of unconditional love, ... But the conditional love is DEFINITELY what Harley is talking about when he discusses LBs and ENs--these conditional things are the parts of a marriage that either build love or withdraw love. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It seems so hard to find that balance in marriages. Balance between yourself and your togetherness, unconditional & conditional love. <P>I think last month was a down month for me and I was starting to get resentful because I was getting pessimisstic. Over the weekend, I decided I'm going to really try my hardest to look on the bright side and keep trying as much as I can. If we wind up divorcing, it'll be something he wants. Not what I want.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Thanks for writing back, and I look forward to talking in the future. I love these posts that are a little deeper and make me think!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You're welcome. I like these thought provoking posts too. Talk to you later, if not here, on another thread. Have a great day!<p>[This message has been edited by Que Sera (edited April 04, 2001).]