After posting this in Resolving Conflict - I decided that maybe it was under wrong subject since it takes (2) to resolve. So I will repost in OTHER:<p>My husband (today) is a jerk. A complete jerk and as*****. Sometimes he makes it so easy for me to just think I could kick him out the back door and "hope" he wouldn't come back. Why do people have to be so difficult to live with? Why cant people just be normal and live happy lives? I think this guy is depressed and when he gets into depressed moods takes his moodiness out on me. I am an upbeat, happy go lucky mom. It only takes one phone call from him with his mood swings to bring me down. He calls me with his daily grumbles and gripes about his job, his day, everything. Let me have a gripe and it would go in one ear and out the other. He is a big baby wanting attention all the time. To be honest, he is just another kid in my house that requires work, work, work. When you work, clean, cook, play chauffeur for your kids, do homework, housework, etc - and then he comes home to plop on the couch - want dinner served (while he watches TV) - dominates the house with his moody ways, runs the kids up to their rooms (or they go themselves to avoid listening to him) - it drives you NUTS. I went to counseling by myself to see if I was crazy - but ... (ha ha) they said I wasn't. That he must have this hidden stuff in his mind (past, etc - the same thing all counselors tell you about ghosts in the closet) - that I cannot get out myself. Of course, Mr. Macho man is too big and strong to consider counseling. How could "the best" have problems??? So what do we do? We suffer with his moodiness. We walk on eggshells. We laugh, play, and enjoy life when he's not around! (sad). Of course, I'm committed to marriage so I try. And try. and try. But sometimes like now I have to just stop and smell the roses. I just hung the phone up from him ending the conversation this way .. "well, I can tell your being a smarta** so I'll let you go." He just laughs and says "ok". <br>Now tonite, he'll be Mr. sweetie goodie becuase he knows I'm ticked off. Me, the angel, always forgives (maybe not inside?) so as soon as he senses that - its back to square one. I know I did something in my past to have someone like him in my life. Its apayback for something. But he's driving me nuts. To try to be nice to a jerk is hard and we always do that. Sometimes I just find myself up against a wall with him (won't go to counseling, attitude, mood swings) and think how nice it would be if he didn't come home??!! Isn't that awful!! (of course I forget that feeling the next day). They say one person CAN save a marriage (so here I sit, trying to save) - but how long does this sitting take??????

Hi Hurtful<p>I'm rereading "Love is a Decision" by Gary Smalley. It has a story about a woman whose husband is pretty much a jerk. She finally decided to change her attitude and a few months later he was giving a testimony about how she had "First Peter three'ed" him into coming to his senses. It's one of the things I like most about Smalley's approach to marital difficulties. There's no, "you do this, I'll do that" stuff. Most of it revolves around changing the one thing you do have control over--your own attitude. I'm sure it doesn't work every time but it might be worth giving the book a read and giving the techniques some time.

Hi Beanie! <br>I will go look for that book this weekend. I tried the things in this forum (eliminating lovebusters) - and this Mrs. Nice act is just about to make me sick! With him, the nice act all the time works. But after a good week of it - he falls into his moods again and is a jerk. Then I close up and get angry (but don't say a thing - - lovebuster?) but act like little Mrs. Happy! Really he just has a chip on his shoulder - coldhearted - just has a real smartalec mouth and it aggravates me to death. for example - if I ask a simple question - like "will you go to the store and get some medecine" he will not (has NEVER) said "yes, no, or okay" - its more like "well, why wouldn't I go? Its my kid that sick" or "I will, but after a while" just a constant S** A** - you know. I will get the book though and try it!!! Thanks for the advice

hurtful wrote:<br>"I tried the things in this forum (eliminating lovebusters) - and this Mrs. Nice act is just about to make me sick!<br>With him, the nice act all the time works. But after a good week of it - he falls into his moods again and is a jerk. Then I close up and get angry (but don't say a thing - - lovebuster?) but act like little Mrs. Happy!"<p>That why I thought "Love is a Decision" might help. There's no act to put on. You actually change your attitude about your "loved" one. At least that's what I remember about the first time I read it. I'm only on the second chapter or so this time around.<br> <br>"Really he just has a chip on his shoulder - coldhearted - just has a real smartalec mouth and it aggravates me to death."<p>I have a 13 year old like that. We have clashed since she was about four because of her smart "me first last and always" attitude. And I've done the "kindness" act until I thought I'd wring her little neck because it doesn't take long for her to revert back to her nasties. I end up not wanting to be in the same room with her because I don't like the way I feel or sometimes the way I act when I'm with her. That's why I'm reading the book again. Am hoping I can develop an attitude change that might benefit both of us.<br>

Hi Hurtful<p>Your husband sounds like mine... five years ago. And look at as now: He's had three affairs that I know of, he began seeing a psychologist 5 or 6 months ago, we began marriage counseling in December (but he was still seeing "her" - no wonder it wasn't working!), and he moved out January 3rd.<p>Your anger is understandable - but I don't know how productive it is. But, I can't really say because I would never allow my husband to see my anger; somehow I couldn't bring myself to be angry when he was around because I was afraid it would drive him further away. I didn't understand what was happening. In hindsight, I know I should have confronted him then. We probably could have avoided an awful lot of painful things.<p>No, you're not crazy. You're reacting. I don't know how to tell you how to be pro-active instead of re-active, but here's my two cents worth:<p>Looking back, knowing what I do now, I think maybe it would have helped us if I had made arrangements for the children to be gone for a night or two, and set him down at a time and place without distractions. No, not necessarily a romantic weekend away (did that a few times; didn't work) or even the house where chores are demanding to be completed. Put some thought into what to say and make sure you say it. Tell him, as unemotionally and without being accusatory - and as specifically as possible - exactly what you see as being a problem. Not an easy thing to do - you're attempting to start a dialogue, not an argument<p>Be ready to accept your part in this; he's probably reacting to some of your "love busters" as well. And remember this: you can't change him; but you can change how you react to him, and he will, inturn change how he reacts to you. Right or wrong, it all starts with you.<p>If you can get him to agree to or even think about counseling - alone or together - so much the better, but don't hold your breath. Men have to decide these things on their own.<p>And don't think for a minute that once you have this "little talk" that everything is suddenly going to change for the better. You're only beginning a process. But by all means, open that line of communication. Don't let yourself get in the mess I'm in now... and all because of a lack of communication.