I don't get many replies when I post, and don't expect to this time, either. In fact, I doubt that I'll be reecognised. Please don't reply out of a sense of duty, I'm really using this post only as a means of putting my feelings in black and white. <P>My husband and I have been going around and around for the last year since the discovery and acknowledgment of his last affair. There have been many affairs in the 6 years we've been married. (1st April will be our Anniversary - the date was deliberate) I don't believe he's been faithful in any relationship he's ever had in the 25 years I've known him. That includes 2 other marriages and at least 4 long-term/live-in relationships.<P>Every time this has happened in the past I have struggled to regain my trust in him. I never lost my love, but my trust has been beat up one side and down the other. This last time I just couldn't get it back. I tried to spend my energy getting myself to feel good about me from day to day. No matter what you know to be true and good about yourself, when the person you love more than anything treats you as though you are like Pampers (to be $h!t in and thrown away) it takes a toll. And living year after year knowing that the rug under my feet is not just slippery but has been lubricated with crap in order to justify the amoral removal of it from beneath me has left me on very shaky legs when it comes to making choices between taking the high ground and protecting myself. I was very carefully taught by my experiences in this relationship to keep my eyes open for signs of inappropriate stuff. I didn't search for it, but when the opportunity to check was presented to me, I took it. <P>That may sound complicated, but the nitty-gritty is that my husband's email has apparently been associated with mine ever since we last set them both up. I didn't know about it for quite awhile. But I did finally see the extra folders in Outlook. And I looked. I opened the folders and subfolders till I saw that this was his email. I could have stopped, but I didn't. I wanted to stop. But I didn't. God, I wanted so much to believe him. I wanted so badly not to find anything. You know and I know that there should not be the need for privacy between husband and wife. Not when it is really a prettier way of saying "secrecy". But even so, even with every reason to distrust him, I have tried to respect my husband, and reading his email was disrespectful. He's made it impossible to believe him. I just wanted the truth. And I got it. I do not believe that he has had any sexual contact with anyone else during this time, but he has had communication which has been out of line. Nothing drastic, except that he promised (again) that he would put an end to this kind of thing, and his email proved that there have been both phone calls and email that should not have happened. Including a lot of things that showed just how he works to make me look bad. (He'd never cheat on a good wife, you know?) Now he's decided this is the last straw and he's ending the marriage. I guess he feels he can't trust me, eh? And I have no doubts about what the recipients of the emails I found will be hearing. I'm sure he will get lots of support and sympathy for having put up with me all this time.<P>I've struggled and worked so hard to make this work. I've pulled the wool over my own eyes so bloody many times. I feel like a total disappointment to myself. I allowed the disordered thinking and distorted lifestyle of this man, and his "friends" to shape my life, my home, even, finally to change me to the extent that I violated my own values. That makes me more than a little sick about myself.<P>I know this divorce has been coming since before we ever married (the infidelity has had very little to do with me - it has never been about any of the women he cheated on, or even those he cheated with) I know it's really over. I know that it's the best thing for me and even for the various children involved. I know there is something broken inside him and I cant fix it. Still, even with all this warning and time to 'prepare', I feel sad, to my very core sad that I couldn't make this work. <P>I still love him.

You know what? This is how I felt/feel about my ex-H too... and even still, to some extent. I carry, and will ALWAYS carry, a love for the man who was my H. I will NEVER trust him... and that is SO SAD. <P>And so we try to go forward the best we can... <P>I wish you peace.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

He can't trust YOU?? Sweetie, you're not the one with the problem here . . . I know that's not much comfort right now, but it's the truth. The fact that your H is so indignant over you reading his e-mail shows that he has something to hide.<P>As a former WS, I learned the hard way that there can be NO secrets between a H and W. Every aspect of your lives has to be accessible to the other.<P>It's so hard to face the truth about someone you love, but his past is a strong indicator that this is just the way he is. It has little or nothing to do with YOU.<P>I wish you strength, self-esteem and courage. {{{BIG HUG}}

DraganTraces,<P>Hello. I've been here 15 months and I'm sorry I don't recognize your name. I do relate to how you are feeling. I felt that way in my marriage. Once your partner betrays you, the love is still there, but the trust is hard to get back. And even so, I don't think you will EVER fully recover and get the trust back completely. <P>I don't think you should worry about what the other women think of you. Of course, he probably would talk bad about you to justify his actions. In the slight chance a relationship develops, how could "those" women trust a man who cheated on his devoted faithful wife?<P>The one thing I think about in your situation, is a girlfriend of mine, was seeing a married man. He told her it was over, (the marriage) so she let her guard down. As she got to know him, the marriage was on and off again. On enough to keep him from committing to her, but off enough to continue this contact. In the end, the marriage ended and you know what, that poor wife had no clue. Now girlfriend can't really ever trust this relationship either. So in the end, it was unhealthy all the way around.<P>When you do decide to divorce, its never easy, even people who part on the best of terms, have doubts and feel sad. Your feelings are normal. You will be on this roller coaster for a while.<P>I don't have much advice for you but I'm also a Betrayed spouse. I know what your feeling, and the only thing thats helped truly, was time, patience and a good long list of friends.<P>I don't think we can ever change another person no matter how hard we hang on or how much we love them , but we can change ourselves and what we are willing to accept.<P>Good luck, keep posting , you'll find some strength here.<BR>Dana<P><BR>

How very exquisitely sad.<P>Yes, I do remember you. Not what you have posted in the past but I do remember your name. <P>I am sorry it has come to this. But I understand how very sad you must be and how very deep is your pain. So many of us have been there. May God bless you as you struggle with what you have learned. <P>I have an x who has, I believe, painted a highly unflattering picture of me for many of the people I know. And when I have encountered some of those people, later, and they made the connection, my comment was I didn't fully understand what happened in my marriage but that I had a feeling I had been dealing with a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde situation, they invariably have gotten odd looks on their faces, then it changed, and they said "I could see that." So, you never know what to believe in some cases. <P>Anyway, I think you need a hug so, here goes,<BR>((((((((((((DragonTraces)))))))))))

Sheryl~<P>Whoever said life isn't fair hit it, didn't they? <P>There is something so gut wrenching in all these lives blasted by this kind of sociopathic behaviour. I'm afraid I'll be questioning for a long time what there is inside me that let me marry this man and then stand by him for so long. Even through the stuff that set my head and stomach spinning, boy, I was right there! <P>I hope once he's gone I never see or hear from or about him again. I'll be damned if I'm going to waste the one bit more of my love on him or anyone like him.<P>And I wish you the serenity I vow to recapture for myself.<P><BR>Susie~<P>I know only too well that he's the one with the real problem. (Maybe I get so few responses because I don't write my sarcasm distinctly enough, eh?) My problem is that I RE-act inappropriately - I stay, I swallow the gall that rises when I think of his inhumanity. It's scary to me that he's going to be out there and will no doubt do something to more women.<P>That you tell me that you were able to be on the Other Side, and come back knowing that trust truly means unfettered honesty give me hope. I really believe that if he'd been sincerely trying to repair the damage he'd done to us and had let his life be an open book to me, we'd have gotten past the whole thing months ago. I'm so (stupidly?) easy going and forgiving. I just can't spend my life being angry and vindictive. He could have had the most relaxed marriage. But it isn't marriage that he wants, no matter how many times he does it. He wants to be a player. And since he is so shallow he's exceedingly qualified. But why am I such a sucker? You are dead on about his past. I knew, I knew, I knew!!!! Why on earth did I set myself up for this kind of beating? Move on! Move on! (My new mantra!)<P><BR>DanaB~ (My middle name is Dana and my first initial is B!)<BR>I really don't care what any of the people he has cultivated to support him think of me. They know nothing about me except what comes through him or has been coloured by his treatment of my and his kids. If they are that gullible, well p!ss on 'em. Once he's out of my life they are only figments of some perverse imagination.<P>About recovery from divorce: this is my second marriage. Both were proclaimed dead at year 6, too. My first husband didn't cheat on me, but we were both 18 when we married. That's like marrying a pupa, a caterpillar. When the casing finally opens what comes out often has no resemblance to what you thought was in there. They are not all butterflies, or even moths. I survived that one and I'll survive this one.<P><BR>cinderella~<P>Thanks for remembering me. I've been here off and on for months. My posts tend to make people angry. (I have a hard time buying into mushy morals and rationalizations. Even my own!) So I rarely post. <P>The experiences you relate about how others have responded to the falsity of the image of you your husband presents is the kind of thing that makes it possible to remain sane, eh? I told my counselor that I feel like a Jew in Nazi Germany. (Not that I'm comparing my degree of suffering in any way or any thing like that!!!) I mean, there are people, including people I thought were on my side, who are telling lies and distortions about me and there is no one willing to stand up for the truth and certainly not for me. They seem to have an interest in seeing me crushed (like stealing the Jewish businesses, etc.) so they see no advantage to doing the right thing. They all thrust their hands towards the sky and salute the figurehead that is Dishonesty. It's bizarre. Nobody wants to get involved, nobody wants to stand up and say, "But the Emperor has no clothes!" Nobody ever confronts him in any kind of way, friends, family, counselors; all remain silent. Silence is assent. One time a woman who knew my husband first told me that when she learned she was going to meet me she dreaded it. She knew that she wasn't going to like me. But on the drive home she turned to her husband and said, "What is that wonderful woman doing with that creep?!" Her husband was my husband's boss. It was so nice to feel like I'd been seen, seen by in spite of the lies. Really, really nice. She's one of my daughter's best friends. Big age difference, small soul difference.<P>Thank you all for the replies. Getting though our own personal hell is a journey we all must ultimately make alone. Nobody else can take even one step for us. But when you feel like you just can't go on, the knowledge that some one else is out there, that some one else recognises you, that you are not utterly mad, helps to make it possible to keep on.<P>Thanks.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"By honest I don't mean that you only tell what's true. But you make clear the entire situation. You make clear all the information that is required for somebody else who is intelligent to make up their mind." <BR>-- Richard P. Feynman<P>"Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and<BR>you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at<BR>the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all<BR>the time."<BR> - Steven Wright