Hi everyone,<P>a horrible thought has just hit me. A terrible thought.<BR>First a little update, because it's relevant (I think)<P>He has been so cold to me over the last 2-3 weeks. Doesn't want to even talk about the children. Just calls on the ph and says "can I speak to the girls"<P>I mentioned it last week. The conversation went thus<P>me: "H, is there a problem, have I done something to upset you?"<P>him: "no, why?"<P>me: "I sense a bit of attitude here towards me"<P>him: "you're being over sensitive"<P>me: "noooo, I don't think so. I'm not the oversensitive type"<P>him: again "you're being oversensitive"<P>I then said ok, and dropped it. It has never been mentioned again. <P>Anyway, yesterday, he rang and wanted to be my best friend. Asked how work was, how uni was, bit of chit chat about the girls. THEN he told me he was moving to the suburb next door to mine. He had originally said he was moving to a bigger house, but in the same suburb where he is now. Suppoisedly to be closer to the girls. He also said that he wanted the girls to stay at his house on those nights when I have an early sign-on the next day. So he doesn't have to sleep at my place (downstairs, not with me!!!!) as the travelling across town late at night after he's done all his office work is getting a bit much.<P>I didn't yell or scream, however I said I thought that shuffling the children betw. houses would not be good for them. I said if he stays at his house til all his office work is done, no matter what the time, what difference does it make that he only has to drive to the next suburb. It's no longer across town. Why do the girls have to stay at his house and be disrupted, especially on school nights.<P>UNLESS, OW is driving the boat??????? Hmmmmmm, sounds plausible to me. I certainly wouldn't like my bf staying o/n at his ex-wife's house.<P>But, what scared me is this. What if he is setting me up, to take the children off me. To present himself as the great and almighty father.<P>1. he has moved house to be closer to the children<BR>2. look how many appts. he cancels in order to fit in with my job<BR>3. Look how many times he looks after the children, when he is not legally obligated to do so<P>I know something is up. I can just feel it. Never in my wildest days did I think that the man I married would be so unknown to me. I just don't know what he is capable of anymore.<P>any feedback here would be so appreciated. I have to go to work now, but I'm going to stress all day about this. I won't be back until midnight, our time, but I'll check back then. I just know something is going on with him. why would he want to live 'next door' to me. It's too close for me, and I can't imagine why he would want to. Yes, he could move closer, but where he's moving to we'll probably run into each other in the shop, at the garage, on the road, god, everywhere. I hate the thought of this. This was *my* side of town, where I could travel freely without running into him. God, this is getting worse the more I think about it. I don't want him next door.........<P>Jo<BR>

(((((jo))))))<P>From what you said, I'd guess that of course the OW is NOT going to like him staying at your house to watch the kids.<P>I really wouldn't want to live that close either, but if you think only about the children, if he is involved in their life a lot right now, helping out and such, it will be nice for them when they are older to be able to ride over to dad's if they want to see him.<P>At some point, the kids will stay over their dad's. I know you don't want this, but its a natural part of the divorce. Its also going to help the kids accept it down the road. <P>Not that divorce is easy, or ever good for the kids, but I just want to be realistic and say that at some point, he's going to take them to his own house over night. <P>The shuffling around is hard, but if he's helping you out and you need that help, its going to work out ok if everyone cooperates.<P>Is the OW married still>? I forget her status in all this?<P>As far as the difference on the phone, a WS might better answer that. I can say from my own Ex that he used to be nice to me when OW wasn't around, or when they were fighting to make HER uncomfortable. He was mean to me when they were on a "high" or when she was nagging him about me. I wouldn't read too much into it or you'll drive yourself nuts! Our ex's were moody when we were married to them right!!<P>A good friend of mine told me, don't give the ex so much power over your life. Don't be bothered by his moods. Don't forget he IS the one having the affair and the one in the wrong. Yes the BS is responsible too, but its more healthy to try to not get tangled in his emotions in times like this.<P>The only other thing I get out of all this, is maybe he wants the OW to start being involved in visitation down the road and this will be the transition. I don't know that it means he is going to "take them" from you. If you have residential custody, and you do a good job it is close to impossible for a non custodial to take his kids from the other parent simply because he is great about visits or lives close. Even if he marries OW, they can't just take the kids ever for you, you have to be a threat to the children, which your not!<P>Hang in there! Dana<BR>

bonnet,<P>Absolutely, I think the OW is running the ship. I wouldn't want to guess what your ex is planning, but you are right that you can't trust them anymore. <P>Everytime my H has suddenly become colder and nastier than usual, it has turned out that he had or was about to do something that he was feeling guilty about, often because the OW was pressuring him.

Jo,<BR>I've been having the same thoughts lately too. Not that my x has been nice too me, she has only done that 1-2x since the divorce, but my d has been going over during the week now to get her hair done, then x drops her off here early in the morning on her way to work. Suddenly d is comfortable over there. Anytime she is nice, she is sure to drop Mike's (om/h) name into the subject and i don't want to hear that<P>Although I may think it has something to do about vacation. X and om/h are taking the kids on vacation next week and my d is taking 2 friends along. So there will be 3 teenagers staying in a condo for a week!<P>As for your x, it is hard to say. WHen you say suburb, do you mean same town and maybe what we call a development(neighborhood)? We call a suburb, a whole different town. My x lives 2 miles away (I was going to convert that to kilometers but my brain isn't working yet this am.). I have run into x, om, and x and om together a few times, it never felt very good, so I know what you mean.<P>I wouldn't worry too much about him looking to take the kids. I think that part of the alure of the op is no responsibilities.<P>My x showed me that yesterday. D asked if I could take her back to school after she came home on the bus. I said I though practice was right after school and she said not this time. I'm not able to be home then. X said "well you will have to quit then if it is inconvient!" D turned up her nose at x(behind her back, but so I could see). Meanwhile x doen't work till 7p so it would not be a problem for her to take her. She just doesn't want to make "trips".<P>Hang in!<P>Bob<P>

When I was in middle and high school, I had a friend whose high-powered lawyer father divorced the mother and lived with a series of pretty young things. The kids never really warmed to any of them (they liked some better than others). The father moved from a small apartment to a moderate townhome on the same side of town, but several miles away. The kids spent a moderate amount of time there. Mostly parties, and the daughter liked to tan on a small private deck off one of the bedrooms.<P>Eventually, the father became embroiled in a lawsuit. In Florida, your best protection of your assets is to marshall everything you've got and buy the biggest house you can. Judgment creditors can't touch a house. The father bought a waterfront <I>mansion</I> (I believe it was on 5 lots!), and lived there with hardly a stick of furniture (excepting a large, informal A/V room with wet bar). The mansion happened to be less than half a mile away, and <I>on the same street</I> as the mother's much more modest (and entertainingly cluttered) home. <P>Well, the kids went to the big house for the occasional party, and to visit dad, and to use the pool occasionally, but mainly they stayed with mom. Now they were college age when this happened, but knowing them as I do, although they loved their father and certainly loved the material things he did for them, they <I>never</I> were disloyal to the mother, nor did they <I>ever</I> enjoy spending time with any of their father's women, although they could enjoy him, and perhaps the setting and activities (ski vacations, etc.). In short, the mother had nothing to fear.

Ok, I'm shooting from the hip here. I don't know what state you live in and I don't know what you and your husband have already agreed upon in regards to your kids/custody. All I can tell you is what my ex did. Is it possible that your husband found out what his child support would be and is wanting the kids 50/50 or full custody in an effort to reduce his child support? Now, I think the majority of fathers really and truly want 50/50 because they want to be with their children. They are involved and wonderful fathers. In my case, my ex only wanted 50/50 so he would not have to pay child support. The idiot actually SAID that in mediation!! He figured that he'd move the kids in with his girlfriend and she'd take care of them while he didn't have to worry about paying any support. So, I'm just tossing that out there. Is that what your afraid of? I also read that he was staying at your home over night sometimes. I'm sure that would get the other womans panties in a bunch so I could see her encouraging him to get his own place. But, like I said...I immediately think that your husbands kindness is not over concern for the children or what is best for them because of what I deal with in regards to my children's father. His sentences and requests are full of "I's" and what is best for him, not his kids. Keep us posted.

One word from me: Boundaries. Having him stay over is infringing on your family's stability. Remember, he is the one that didn't want to be part of it anymore. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.<P>You are the custodial parent. That means you are primarily responsible for the children's upbringing. Don't let him bully you into something you are not comfortable with. If there is a problem, refer him to the visitation agreement.<P>My $.02

Friends, our lovely friend Bonnet, aka., Jo, is in Australia so most of us have no idea what the legal issues are.<P>My x goes through periods of civility and incivility and that is part of why I dumped his last name a few months ago.<P>I understand the territory infringement thing because my x and his new wife (whom I think I like more than I like him) just moved from their new, neat, well-appointed apartment complex which had all sorts of luxuries and was 5 -7 miles from me to an old, dirty, ugly, run-down, lower-class, fewer amenities complex less than 1 mile from me. And we do see each other sometimes. And it sucks!!!!!!<P>I think he just wanted to save money. But it makes me so mad I could just spit. <P>Jo, I have no clue what your x is up to. Maybe he does just want to be closer to his children. Maybe he has no ulterior motive. Maybe he does. But I do know my x will admit that his goal in life is to make my life hell. And I'm stuck being nice to this guy for how many years?<P>(You guessed it, he showed his true colors again last night. Sorry I'm ranting and raving. But you would have been so proud of how I handled it.)<P>

StevieB from over on the EN board has a saying K.I.S.S....Keep It Simple Stupid..... this reminds him to not over analyze every move his wife makes (I think).<P>May be a good strategy for you right now.<P>

you guys,<P>thank you thank you thank you. A further little update. I rang the girls last night to say good night. Eldest d was crying because daddy had been cross with her. He came on the ph. and I asked what had happened. I had a civil tone of voice, non-accusatory. He started telling me in a voice full of attitude and then said "why am I explaining this to you anyway.."<BR>I replied, well, I'm their mother and I'd like to know what's happening. Again, non-accusatory and certainly not telling him he was in the wrong. He was so mean and hateful I ended up hanging up on him.<P>I got home from work, he acted as if he had something on his mind, but I didn't want to talk. I didn't have attitude with him, said hello when I walked in, but I just wanted him to go. Didn't argue with him about the hang-up, or ask for more details about what had happened with eldest d. I just figured that whatever was going on with him, was nothing to do with me and it was his problem. A good way for me to handle it I thought. It's NOT my problem, he's not my problem any more. Yay, Jo's finally got this 'divorce thing'............<P>Dana, thanks for caring. The girls stay over at his house on his visitation weekends. Other than that, when he picks them up or drops them off at school, it is always from my house.<BR>Our reasoning for that was that it would be more stable for the children. They are still so young. I feel they need one place that they can call home. Of course when they are older, and fully understand the situation, they will call Daddy's house *home* too. After moving 3 times in 2 years, I just wanted some stability for my girls. He agreed with that at the time.<BR>His latest gf is someone I used to work with 10 years ago. His comment about her at the time was "my god, she's sexy, oozes sex appeal, but what a sl*t" his words, not mine....<BR>She's 33, never been married, no children, but he tells me she was involved with an American marine who had a child. She met the marine when she was in the Middle East, and they moved back to the states where she lived for about 7 years (I think) They (she and the marine) were engaged apparently. So according to him, she knows all about *everything*....... Well of course she would, she's perfect isn't she!!!!!!!<BR>As far as his moods go, he is so moody at the moment. I got home last night, basically didn't say anything to him, he acted as if he had something on his mind, but then he left. I didn't want to discuss anything with him, his attitude is his problem. I havent' done anything to warrant this, I'm just being civil and moving on with my life. He's not affecting my life, or even annoying me anymore. He just is *there*......<P>Nellie - isn't that so true..... I can almost tell you when he is having a bad day with her. His attitude and demeanour completely changes. I could almost guarantee I can tell you if she is in the room too.....<BR>Funny, I'm sure they think we don't pick up on these things. Idiots.......<P>Bob - thanks for responding, again. You're always there for me. <BR>I think I must mean neighbourhood when I say suburb... If he does move to the neighbourhood next door, depending on where exactly he lives, he could be as little as 2 miles away. YUCK YUCK YUCK...... (If I was honest, I would change that first letter..... you get my drift........)<P>I know in my heart that nothing will replace me as the girls mother, but the not knowing of her ulterior motives sometimes burns my butt (as you guys so eloquently say!!)<BR>She's 33, never been married and never had children. What's her agenda going to be here???? Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure THAT one out. I almost wish they would move in together, or get married, so everything can sort itself out and settle down. I don't want to know the details of his private life however if it's going to happen for them, please do it quick so the girls can have some routine. That's all I want. I hate the thought of them being shunted from one house to another. I have no problem with them seeing their Daddy whenever, we have never stuck to the 'every second weekend' visitation schedule. I don't think that that would be best for my girls. They love their Daddy even tho they give him grief about going with him to his house.<BR>Anyway, I'm glad your d showed you her support. Just those little things mean so much to us don't they. We as the custodial parents get to do all the hard work, the disciplining, and the 'punishing' (for want of a better word) so I sometimes feel that they look at him as the 'fun' parent. That worries me. But then I think I'm here when they're sick, when they just want a cuddle, when they want to play a new game etc etc etc. And that settles my nerves.....<BR>have a great night, and I hope your ex wakes up to herself and injects a bit of civility.......<P>Sisyphus - as usual, you're there with your words of wisdom. Thank you so much. The last 8 words meant everything to me. I don't have anything to worry about - I know my kids love me, and I adore them. I will face whatever he throws my way. And I'm not going to stress about it until it happens.!!!!<P>BonnieSept - thanks for responding. You're right I think, that she (gf) is driving the boat. And I can understand where she is coming from. I don't think he would want full custody, he couldn't handle it. One of the reasons I think this has all happened is that family life got a bit much for him. Poor poppet..... He couldn't handle a demanding job and a family at the same time. Life's sooooo hard sometimes isn't it???<BR>As far as visitation goes, we sort of muddle along coming to some arrangement. My job involves shiftwork so he is there for the children then. He does help out a lot more than what he has to, or is obliged to do. He does that because he wants to be involved in the children's day to day lives. However, when it doesn't suit him, he lets me know!! A bit like when we were married, if it didn't suit him, we didn't do it/go there/ see it/ whatever........ I sure could relate to the conversations about "me and I" That's just about all I hear from him. <BR>He has also never given me a problem with maintenance. Pays in full on the dot. But then again, he knows that money pays the rent. He knows that I don't live an extravagant lifestyle, or gamble or drink it away. The children are fed, clothed and educated and have a nice roof over their heads. Not big, but I love my little house. It's our HOME. I love the sense of peace that I get from our little home, late at night, the girls all snuggled in bed.... makes me feel complete and at peace. Have a nice night and thanks again.<P>Grandpabri - you're absolutely right. Boundaries. I have been giving that a lot of serious thought lately. Wondering if my job is worth all the hassle that goes with it. The logistics of making it work are sometimes a nightmare. He has not taken responsibility for his actions to date, I think that could be some way off yet. If ever. I know he's getting some emotional needs met while he stays here and sees the girls so often. I even leave his dinner for him when he is here in the evenings when I'm at work. I just can't stand the thought of leaving dinner for the children and not for him. It seems so mean. I know I shouldn't care like that, but I do. It's just me I guess. <BR>Your thoughts and opinions were worth a lot more that 0.02c my friend.... at the moment they're probably worth 10x that, going by what the aussie dollar is doing at the moment. You guys will all have to visit me here, you could stay for a month on one day of your salary!!!!!!!!! It's atrocious and getting worse!!!<BR>have a nice night, and thanks again.<P>Cinderella - I'm going to wait and see what happens. His lease for where he is at the moment isn't up until June, so it may not happen until then. Let's hope so. I can't stand the thought of doing my grocery shopping and bumping into him/them. Gads, can't I even do my shopping in peace... I might move to Weipa (about the farthest point up the top end of Australia. I've never been there, heard it's ok!!!)<BR>Their mood swings are amazing aren't they. I'm sure mine aren't that bad when I'm hormonal!!!! I've just let it all flow off my back over the last month. Except for asking him that one time, I haven't said another word. Just been civil, and kept a neutral tone of voice. I wonder if that's whats' driving him mad.... That is definitely not the Joey of old. In the olden days, I would have HAD to have had my say. Just to get things out in the open you understand.!!!<BR>Now, it's like "yeah, whatever..."<BR>I wish they would hurry up and move in together, or get married or something. Just to let things settle into a routine. <BR>"Now, ex-h, could you do me favour? Could you please get married so I can have some routine in my life!!!"<BR>What do you think he would say to that. Then they can have 6 more kids, 1 set of twins, 1 set of triplets, all with reflux and none who sleep.......... gosh, where is this *****y side coming from today. <BR>My mum and I had one conversation where we laughed and laughed about if she got pregnant and what the child could be like. Don't get me wrong, we didn't wish anything horrible on them, but just a *problem* baby. Then let's see how he handles it this time. Our *problem* baby was a bit too much for him to handle, poor thing, he WAS working very hard at the time you know??? Gosh, this cynicism.......<BR>What did he do last night? And you're right, I'm SO proud of you the way you handled it!!<BR>big hugs for you my friend<P>Hopeless - thanks. You're right. Or Stevie is.... KISS. I think I had already made up my mind before I got home that whatever was chewing his butt (Maybe he has worms!!!) was not my problem. And was nothing that I could have caused. I haven't done anything, and have barely spoken to him for about a month. His choice. Thanks for being there for me. I appreciate it.<P><BR>thanks guys. I will just deal with whatever he does, as and when he does it. I'm not going to stress about something that hasn't happened.

Jo,<BR>My x's moods seem to flucuate alot too. I have seen her at my d's basketball game and she can hardly stay awake. I talked to her on the phone and her replies sounded like she was reading it from a cookbook.<P>Then her anger, she flys off the handles and gets in my face, although I don't think she will do that anymore.<P>I called her the other day because she hadn't given me phone numbers or where she and the the kids will be staying next week on vacation. I knew she would feel I was questioning her, so I tried to out think her. Its hard for me, she is very quick!<P>So I told her I wouldn't be around much over the weekend and next week, so I needed a phone number so I could call the kids. She said okay she would drop it off today(fri). I do know where they will be as I found out om/h's mothers address(where they will be staying)on an internet search.<P>Hang in,<P>Bob

Well done Bob,<P>but how the heck does it get to this????? That we have to outsmart them for fear of upsetting them!!! Or making them feel we are questioning them........<P>I get so angry sometimes when he accuses me of questioning him. Doesn't he realise that I'm just interested in my children. I have backed right off asking any questions at all, but I hate it. I feel like I'm not caring about them. He has made me feel that I can't/shouldn't ask him any questions because I'm telling him that I don't trust him.<P>He just doens't get it that I'm only INTERESTED in what my children do, and where they go. I like to be able to talk to them about their weekends. I like them to share it with me. And you know what you get from young children "I can't bebember!!"<P>Oh well, another barrowful of sh**t we have to push I guess.<BR> <BR>I'm feeling a bit stressed today. I have an assignment due, I've done all the reading but I haven't put it together yet. I'm going to Qld Uni to read some more journals, and then coming home to put it together. I always get stressed before starting to put it together. I can never get that first train of thought happening......<P>hope you have a great weekend, and keep doing the great job you're doing. We're winning you know. We will be the better stronger people for all this. I can feel myself becoming more tolerant with him, which says to me that I have accepted everything that has happened. I hope so anyway. It's the way I feel.<P>anyway, before I go off on another tangent<P>hugs to you<P>JO