After 11 years of marriage my ex-wife started talking about divorce and then I found out her 3 or 4 months old affair and tried hard to save our marriage. I was very disappointed and depressed with the affair but she said to not be able to help me. Even though I tried hard with plan A. Three months latter she admitted to have quitted the affair but still insisted on divorcing.<P>We have two children that I love (7 and 4). I convinced her to go with me for counseling and after 6 months of sections I found out that she was still deeply involved with the OM (a client of her small advertisement agency). At that time I immediately convinced myself to agree with her, quit the marriage and apply for divorce.<P>She ran into a deep depression crisis and asked me to give her another chance and that she would do all her best to save our marriage. The only point I insisted with her in order to start the recovery would be to sever all contact to the OM, i.e., she would lose her client. She said she would never do that because she is very professional and know how to separately handle professional and personal matters and that this meant that I didn’t trust her any longer and would be trying to control her. <P>She came back to all my faults that she used to justify her affair and decided that I was a bad husband, father and companion.<P>She never accepted any criticism to her and strongly believed she was an almost perfect person and that all our marital problems were my faults.<P>I discussed all these matters alone with our therapist and concluded she has a narcissist personality (is very proud of herself, never imagines herself in my situation, can not be criticized, only faces reality when in a deep problem crisis but returns to the old style as soon as such crisis is over, etc). <P>She betrayed my trust in her with her affair, she continued her affair until I lost all respect for her, lied to me, disrespected me and humiliated me in the worst way she could ever do and never admitted that she had any fault or that the affair had anything to do with me (she said: “You shouldn’t focus on the affair. It is not due to the affair that I want the divorce”).<P>As if this were not enough, latter on, during the divorce paper issues, we had a hard time on the negotiations. It was really hard to make an agreement with her. She made a lot of black mailing (using children, money, etc), which were not successful but just increased her feeling of being a victim.<P>She left home with the children 4 months ago and seems to be no longer with the OM but he is still her most special client.<P>When talking to her few friends, she keeps blaming only me for the end of the marriage as if she had no fault. She never took responsibility for the consequences of her acts.<P>I did talk about her affair just to my mother, brothers and to nobody else in order to not humiliate her and protect the children.<P>Now that I am almost completely recovered from the affair and divorce, she is frequently calling me to ask a lot of favors for herself, which I reject. I do everything I can for the children only. I am always telling her that she should ask such favors to the better friend she ever had, to the person that will always be on her side in any circumstance as she told me thousand of times during the affair, not to me. For her I do just what is clearly written in the divorce papers.<P>Now I am doing well, have a good relationship to the children and have a lovely girlfriend but she is suffering the consequences of her affair and divorce. She feels alone, no time for going out due to taking care of the children alone (she had enough time for the affair when we were together!), working very hard, feels abandoned, etc.<P>Since she knows I did not tell almost anybody about her affair and she believes I will never do it she started acting as a victim to everybody (including to relatives and friends of mine) and this is affecting me. Some friends are trying to convince me to be her friend and support her and other people would be blaming me for being childish, selfish and just want her to suffer. Her parents seem to be in a war against me because they know just her side of the story.<P>What should I do? Should I tell all my friends the whole truth about the affair to demonstrate that the divorce was just a consequence of the affair she did not want to quit and that I tried hard to save our marriage?<P>My X is very proud of herself and I think she will be deeply shocked and aggressive when confronting people that knows the whole truth.<P>Although she tells the children we divorced due to faults of mine only, isn’t it going to have a negative impact on them?<P>Could anybody help me?<P>dvpc<BR>

dvpc,<P>WOW! Some of your situations are similar to mine. I was with my ex 11 years. He left and I found out of an affair. We divorced. He asks for favors. The differences are I am the single parent and he is still with the OW.<P>Your story does sound a little unfair, maybe making it out to you being the only one at blame.<P>I do believe it takes 2 people to make a marriage, or break it. I don't think 1 can save it on their own either. It hurts to hear all our faults and their 'reasoning' behind the affair.<P>It sounds like she is coming out of the fog a little and reality hurts. I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss the OP, not if they are still in contact in any way. <P>I can't answer your question because in my case exH moved right in with OW a week after leaving so there was no secret, he's been the bad guy all along, and I have been the one to tell family that I had a part in it to. I didn't deserve him to walk out without trying, but in our case, this is for the best.<P>Just writing to send some support. Hopefully you'll get an answer from someone who's been there and did tell of the affair.<P>Good luck

Well, count me in for the "11 year club" .<P>My W also said that the affair is not the problem, but is a result of "our" problems. Funny, she never mentioned that we had any problems until after she's been screwing the OM for months, but I digress...<P>My W also maintains contact with OM, because they work together.<P>My W also plays the victim to everyone who'll listen. She "forgets" to tell anyone that she's been involved with a married man for over a year... She plays the "Single mom" card to the hilt, even though we have 50/50 custody, and in fact so far I've had the kids about 75%... But boy, does she get sympathy for being the "struggling single mom"...<P>We are not divorced yet (paperwork all filed, but one of us has to make the move to go to Judgement), so for now I am not telling her friends or family about her affair. My approach is that if and when the D comes through, I am released of all my "obligations" to protect her, so my to-do list in telling people about her A is as follows: tell her family and friends whenever the topic comes up; tell her boss (since the OM is supposed to be in a business relationship with her); tell OM's W; and, when the time comes, tell our kids...<P>Hope this helps,<P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited March 29, 2001).]

I got much of the same thing. <P>Her mother accused me without specifics of doing some things wrong in the marriage. I acknowledge my part in the demise of the marriage, but also told her that she was not getting the whole story. Her mother is the one that told me that stbx manipulated situations to make herself the victim (like I didn't know this already), so I told her to filter what she heard through that lens and that I would be happy to answer any of her questions.<P>I would not tell people about the whole situation unless you feel that they need to know. <P>You are right, IMHO, to treat your relationship as business. You have a contract, your custody and visitation agreement. You would not let anyone break any other kind of contract, why should this be different.<P>Do the best you can for your children, and everything should turn out OK.

Another "11-year" veteran here....<P>My H placed most of the blame on me for the problems in our marriage. He still does sometimes, but sometimes, he actually admits (in a round-a-bout way) that he MIGHT have contributed to it too. I make it VERY CLEAR to him that while we may have had problems in our marriage, 1) they weren't of the magnitude that they couldn't be worked out; and 2) I did NOT cause him to have an affair; he choose that. He says, "Yeah I guess I see that" but I don't really think he does. He actually said the other day "I'm sorry for the way I handled that." I didn't ask him what he meant....too much crap to bring up again...but I think he really is sorry for taking the coward's way out of the relationship by having an affair. He also agreed with me on day when I said "you bailed, instead of wanting to work on the marriage."<P>It takes a man to stand up and say "we are having problems and I don't want to loose what we have. I want us to work on the problems." It takes a scum to not say anything and go behind your back (and your trust) to have an affair, knowing that if found out, it will probably end the marriage....the coward's way out.<P>Of course it takes two to make a marriage good or not so good. I do see now the things I didn't see then, but I still stand by my statement that the marriage wasn't beyond repair by any means. It's like he decided to euthanize the "sick" marriage instead of taking it to "intensive care." He just decided skipped that step....without telling me and because of his own cowardness and selfishness.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><BR>

It seems that a lot of people would be facing the same story as me. In reality my x-wife slightly admitted once (only once!) that we both made mistakes in the marriage. All other times I was the faulty party.<P>By the time she started her affair she had some big changes in her life. After being for some years a 100% dedicated mother to our children she decided to “return to the market”.<P>She lost a lot of weight and considered herself beautiful, she returned to work at an advertisement agency and thought she was the best professional around and would make a lot of money there (she earns a fee for each project she manages), she thought she found a perfect love when meeting the “special client”, etc. She was euphoric with her new life because apart of being a brilliant professional she could also take care of our children. She was really happy with the new situation.<P>She felt that the only thing that was not compatible with her new life stylus and happiness was me and that I had no place in her new brilliant life. Therefore she had to convince herself that I was not compatible with her and started blaming me (and just me) for everything you can imagine in order to justify to herself and to her family her will to divorce me.<P>I suffered a lot within that one year long period. Her aggressive and arrogant behavior toward me added to her infidelity was the worst thing that could happen in my life.<P>After almost 1 year of Plan A, in June last year, when I found out she was still with the lover, we decided she would walk out with the children. She left home in November last year. Since then she is facing only disappointments in her life.<P>She re-gained a lot of weight and is no longer as beautiful as only she thought she was.<P>The perfect love she found was not so perfect. The OM is as human and has a lot of faults as everybody does. He was not as perfect as she thought by the time they were having the affair. They are no longer together.<P>She is not having as much work as she was sure she would have and felt she is not so brilliant as she believed some months before. Consequently she is earning much less money than she had expected.<P>She is having a lot of trouble to take care of the children alone because now she is seeing how helpful I was with them. I have a home office and was almost always very close to the children.<P>As if this were not enough to her, short after she left my home I met and started dating my actual girlfriend.<P>Now she is feeling depressed, stressed, a victim of my selfish behavior and somehow betrayed due to my girlfriend. Can you believe that? Of course you can, it happened to a lot of people in this forum.<P>DanaB you are correct “It sounds like she is coming out of the fog a little and reality hurts” but she is so coward that the more she faces reality the more she blames me for her problems.<P>AgoodGuy said some interesting things that seem to be very usual to many of us: “My W also said that the affair is not the problem, but is a result of "our" problems. Funny, she never mentioned that we had any problems until after she's been screwing the OM for months“ and “My W also plays the victim to everyone who'll listen. She "forgets" to tell anyone that she's been involved with a married man for over a year...”. Well, our wives had a lot of courage and sanity to have affairs, to humiliate us, to lie to us and to betray us and now they are suffering from amnesia. How interesting this is….<P>Hi grandpabri, it seems our x-mothers in law are quite similar to each other. In the beginning mine supported me a lot and could not accept that her little daughter was dismantling a beautiful family. When she saw there was no more hope in our marriage, she abandoned me and “adopted” her daughter again. Now, her position is to avoid by all means that the society knows that her dear sweet daughter has had an affair (“this would never happen in a traditional family like mine!”), therefore she is also attacking me and victimizing my x-wife. Can you believe this? Sure you can.<P>Mrs.O, you say “Of course it takes two to make a marriage good or not so good”. Your phrase is very simple and realistic but unfortunately it is not so obvious to everybody. Can you believe that during counseling sections, my x-wife said that she never loved me and that she couldn’t remember why she married me? Isn’t it incredible? It took 1 year of dating, 11 years of marriage and 2 lovely sons for her to conclude I have always been a bad guy and that she should have never get married to me. Disgusting……<P>Thanks to everybody for your great support and hope to see some new comments here. I am not sure yet about what should I do!?<P>dvpc<BR>

dvpc,<P>Well, the reason none of us told you how to proceed is because none of us seem to know... If we had the answer, we sure could make a lot of money!<P>I just want to add that as I was reading your last post, my jaw was resting on the floor; that's how well you described MY situation!<P>My W also lost weight, became "beautiful", got a hotshot career, and lo and behold, I suddenly became boring. Never mind that I enabled her career by always being home by 5, while she was out till 7-8, or on travel. Never mind that I kept the kids taken care of, attended their soccer practices, kept the cars running, kept the bills and all other household stuff under control... Who cares, right? I just wasn't exciting.<P>Well, the OM sure must have been exciting enough. He too had an unsuspecting spouse at home, taking care of his kids, encouraging his career growth, not understanding why her spouse was becoming more and more irritable every day...Arghhh.<P>Anyway, my W just moved out, and I would love nothing more than for her to try out this fantasy life (without support from me), and see if OM manages to live his life without generating dirty laundry... .<P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited March 30, 2001).]

Well I am a 13 year veteran.<P>My WS is my H. He also became "beatutiful" because after that birth of my 3rd child. (i had 3 kids in 2.5 years) we dieted together. He lost 85 pounds Yes he weighed 300 lbs and i was heavy from making babies. while I lost weight, not 85 pounds, He some how became MR. Beautiful. This past April right before D-day, and to my opposition, my H kept 70 pounds off for a year, HAD A TUMMY TUCK. That's right. He had the hanging fat removed. NOt cheap. ( and he has the ba88s to tell me to go to work and get a job).<P>He changed his clothes, his hair, his after shave. <P>So women aren't the only ones who can think that they are hot Poop and strut thier stuff. <P>I liked my 300 pounder better than this one. He has been telling me he is getting fat again. OH TOO BAD!<P>HOpelessmom

Dvpc said: <B>I suffered a lot within that one year long period. Her aggressive and arrogant behavior toward me added to her infidelity was the worst thing that could happen in my life.</B><P>Me too. The whole last year of my marriage was all about him. I put him thru school and now he was in his dream job. He still wasn't happy....wanted more "passion" in his life and I guess I just didn't cut the mustard. He wanted to do things, go places, etc. but whenever I suggested that, hee would be an Eyore....Or if we did go somewhere, he would sit around complaining all the time. He found me "provincial."<P>

AgoodGuy, it is incredible how a lot of affairs follow a standard pattern. I also read a lot of posts that described my situation so well. The difference is that my wife moved out and seems no longer to be with her friend. I thing that many lovers run away from the unfaithful spouses as soon as they are no longer the other person and have to assume a new position as a “spouse”.<P>I thing it is important to say that my W moved out not because she felt this was correct but because her lawyer showed her that the house was mine (I acquired it before we got married). Even though she tried by all means that I moved out without success. Apart of being the owner f the house, I didn’t want the children to see me leaving home as if I was running away or hiding myself due to any fault of mine. The children had to see that this was an option of their mother. At that time all of them were always welcome at my house. Now, just the kids are welcome here. At that time she accused me of not being human by letting her move out with the children.<P>hopelessmom, I also liked my wife with some more pounds better than the “beautiful” one. During her affair, she also spent a lot of money with new clothes, perfumes, hair stilling, etc. and I paid for everything. What a silly life…<P>Mrs.O, by the time my wife returned to work, I helped her a lot not only with domestic support (I have a home office) but also with her new job. She used to ask me to help her to create and edit in my computer a lot of things for her special client. During her affair, she was frequently telling me that I should know her client better because he was such a good person and also so brilliant. What a crazy period of my life.<P>The problem is that apart of all I have suffered, I am not intending to pay for anything else that I didn’t do. She is playing the poor and abandoned girl role to everybody. She asks me to repair her car, to loan her some money for her own expenses, etc and is so disappointed when I do not serve her that she starts accusing me to all her friends. She insists that I do not help her just to punish her.<P>She forgets to tell her friends that she had an affair that almost ruined me, she lied to me, she disrespected me and finally she took away my children from me. I followed plan A nine months long before deciding to quit the marriage.<P>She is lying to everybody including to herself. She is starting to believe that her lies are the whole truth.<P>I thing the only solution to this problem would be to tell her friends the whole truth about the affair. Maybe this would force her to come back to reality.<BR>What do you think? Any suggestion?<P>dvpc

dvpc,<P>You bring up a good question, and I am struggling with the same issue right now.<P>My W is clearly in the mode of creating a revisionist history to all her friends, relatives, and herself. Her story is that we tried "everything", different therapists, forums, separate bedrooms, but nothing worked, so she "had" to leave. But, she forgets the basic element, and that is that she was involved in an affair the entire time, and never gave it up... One, two, three: "duuuuuuhhhh".<P>I am in Plan B right now, and so I feel like I no longer need to support her story. I am not telling others my side of the story yet, but I am making it clear to my W that I am not going to go along with her fantasy tale. I did that during my Plan A, but Plan B is all about a reality check, so the gloves come off.<P>I think that you should be willing to be honest about what you think happened. If there was an affair, your W should not be allowed to "forget" to include that detail in her stories to her friends, relatives, or even your kids. If she is a conflict avoider like my W, that will simply allow her to close the book on the whole story, and assume that all is well. I'd go for the truth...<P>AGG

AGG,<P>I followed hard Plan A and thought I was having some improvements. On the fourth month she said she had definitely quit her affair. At that time we started our joint therapy. During therapy sections I was so cruelly attacked by her that I was shocked. After each section, she apologized for having attacked me. On all following sections it was the same. It was driving me crazy.<P>After some months of therapy she admitted that she was more involved than ever with the OM. It was really cruel to me but at that time I could see that she had no will at all to quit the affair and that her cruelty and blindness toward me wouldn’t cease and that they were just excuses to convince herself that she had to leave me.<P>In that occasion I took the firm decision to divorce her. Suddenly all things were so clear to me that I had no intention at all to even follow Plan B. My decision was taken and it was the same decision she was trying to convince me to take 10 months long.<P>Now I do not want her back. I do not think she deserves any respect from me, as she didn’t have (and still don’t have) any respect for me.<P>My x-wife wants to close my book, keep hers open and assume that all is well with her. One of the stories of her book is that I did never agree with her will to divorce and that I just want to punish her for it. This is really disgusting.<P>I am not attacking her or blaming her for anything. But she is attacking and blaming me for everything that happened and happens to her. Nobody, except ourselves, has to judge our acts but everybody does it. Therefore I want to be judged for what I did and for what I do and not for what she is saying about me. If somebody is going to judge me, I want to be fairly judged.<P>This is why I want to tell her friends and family about her affair and ask for their help to bring her to a real world but not to me. I also want to protect my relationship with my children.<P>In your case, if you are now following Plan B, it seems to me this would sound as a hard aggression to her and you could lose her definitely. Is this what you want?<P>dvpc

11 years too. She wanted to stay friendly, and ask for favors (I never confirmed the PA or even EA--just never started thinking in that direction until recently, but when I did start, my suspicions settled quickly on a certain individual). I stopped doing favors, and also cleared the air on a family matter I didn't want to suppress any longer. And the result is that she no longer wants anything to do with me, and only communicates through her attorney. But since I'm with someone new, and getting the last few items I wanted, that's fine with me.

Sisyphus,<P>when my wife told me the first time she wanted to divorce me, I was shocked but also enthusiastic because it was the first (and also the last) time we had a good and sincere (I thought it was sincere at that time) conversation in 11 years of marriage.<P>Up to that occasion our discussions always seemed to be a monologue of mine. She was just a listener. At the end she could give me a kiss, which was telling me “I understand what you are feeling” or she could just say: “is that all? I am going to bed!”. Normally she used the second phrase. It was not easy for me. She answered every question with silence.<P>And then, suddenly she wanted to talk. What a surprise for me.<P>She told me she was in a new period of her life with a new job (she was feeling as if she were the big boss of her brother’s small advertisement agency), she had lost a lot of weight and was feeling herself beautiful, she was trying simultaneously all alternative practices you may imagine (Feng Shui, astrologers, Aura Soma, spiritual massage from Tibet, human design, etc.), talked to me everyday about her brilliant and special client (“you can not imagine the empathy we have to each other, he is a great person!”), she started working up to very late every night (once or twice a week up to 2 in the morning!), no more family travels in the weekend due to lots of work she had to do (we were used to make short trips to our surroundings every weekend), etc., etc., etc.<P>She was very proud of herself and started thinking she was a sensitive and superior person.<P>It was obvious for me to conclude she was having an affair and who the OM was (her so special client).<P>Her ego was so inflated that there was no more space for a simple me in her life. From that time on I was superfluous to her. She was sure I had no more “use” in her small world.<P>About 2 months later she admitted to be having an EA with the client “but don’t worry, this is just a strong friendship and has nothing to do with my intention to divorce”. Three months more and she admitted to have just kissed him “but this is not of your business!”. At that time she clearly said me the affair was over and following my request she would go with me to counseling.<P>After 4 months of counseling she admitted to be still having a strong EA and PA with the OM “but I thought you wouldn’t care that I had sex just a few times with him! You know for a long time I want to divorce you!”.<P>At that time the show was over to me.<P>After 10 months of an enormous suffering and depression I decided to quit the marriage.<P>From that time on, my life started to improve very fast. I thing I was just looking for an explanation to her arrogant behavior. When I found it out, things were very clear to me.<P>She moved out with the children in November last year. Since then I am experiencing the best phase of my life. Hard to believe, isn’t it? But I assure you it is true.<P>When I look back at all those bad and selfish behaviors she had even before the affair, I feel myself relieved and free for a new life.<P>By the time I was married to her I couldn’t do anything my way at home because she was always against me. Now my house looks like me. I could never have a good relationship to my children (mainly to my youngest soon of 4 y/o) because she was very possessive and jealous and always argued it was too hot, too cold, too early, too late, to big, to small, etc. Now, the children stay with me and sleep here every Wednesday and every other weekend. No I have an excellent relationship with them. My life and myself improved a lot since our divorce even if you compare to my life before her affair.<P>Now I feel I am a free and happy person that is not controlled and suffocated by the exacerbated egocentrism of my x-wife.<P>I just wanted to tell you this because I felt that you are crossing the same turbulence as I did and I wanted to show you that there is a god life at the end of the tunnel.<P>Now I do not regret on having tried hard to save the marriage. Although she blames me for everything “I” did I am sure we both are co-responsible for everything that happened to us.<P>All the bad things she did to me had also a positive effect. They convinced me I was doing the correct thing on divorcing her. I am very conscious and confident about my decision.<P>What I can not accept is that see keeps playing the role of victim and accuses me of everything including her actual unhappiness. As I said before, while I was engaged in Plan A I paid a high price to support all the bad things she did to me. Now I do not want to spend any extra cent for her injuries.<P>This is why I am intending to tell her and also mine friends and relatives some detail she forgets to mention when she acts as a victim. Maybe she suffers from amnesia because she forgot she had a devastating affair, she lied to me, she injured me, she took the children away from me, she disrespected me, etc.<P>I do not want to punish her. I just want to be fairly judged by the people who know me and do actually listen to her.<P>dvpc

What is it about the 11-year mark? It seems I belong to this club as well. My wife left me between our 11th and 12th anniversaries.<P>I'm a big believer in truth. There's no point in broadcasting the sordid details where it won't matter anyway, but <I>I'm</I> not going to take the rap for something I didn't do. I think it's important for people to face the consequences for their choices. When my wife left me and demanded an end to our marriage, I decided that privacy was not a luxury I could afford. I <I>needed</I> support from my family and friends, and that meant I had to talk. Keeping all the dirty laundry hidden is next to impossible anyway once relationship problems become public problems (and divorce is pretty public). <P>My case is a little different, though, since I have actually tried to defend both myself <I>and</I> my wife. Some people have wondered whether my wife left me because <I>I</I> had an affair, and some people have wondered whether my wife left me for another man. <I>Both</I> of our reputations have been jeopardized by my wife's actions. I am quick to blame my wife's abandonment of me on old issues from her childhood that came back to bite, which I think is about as morally charitable an explanation as anyone could hope for. (It also happens to be the truth, so far as I understand it.)<BR>

GnomeDePlume,<P>You said: “I think it's important for people to face the consequences for their choices.”<P>I would go a little bit farther. My wife is really facing the consequences of her choices and acts as if she were a victim.<P>Her fault is that she is not taking responsibility for her choices and her acts. She never admitted to have done anything bad to me and to my sons. She believes her life is just hers and I do not have anything to do with it (even considering what happened during our marriage!?).<P>Since up to now I am silent toward her affair, she believes her best defense is an attack.<P>I started dating a GF just after our divorce. My x-wife tells her friends and also myself: “Do you see how fast he moved to another relationship? Do you really think this relationship is new? I suspect something strange in this story…”.<P>If a person is not responsible for her or his acts, such person is a COWARD !<P>dvpc

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I do not want to punish her. I just want to be fairly judged by the people who know me and do actually listen to her.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I won't be able to offer much on how to handle mutual friends. There was no bunch that we palled around with. <P>I'd say the less bitter you are, and the more cognizant of your part in it you are, the more likely it is that you will be both believed and respected.<P>The truth can come out casually and in a casual setting. Then allowed to rest.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dvpc:<BR><B>My wife is really facing the consequences of her choices and acts as if she were a victim.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Umm...no. Your wife is <I>experiencing</I> the consequences of her choices. She is not <I>facing</I> them, seeing them for what they are.<P>Sorry, I realize this is just a matter of semantics. But my point is that it is difficult to sustain personal growth while running from truth. If you <I>help</I> your wife hide from the truth, you are not really doing her any good. And you're certainly not doing <I>yourself</I> any good either.<BR>

I think Sisyphus is exactly right about how the truth in this case should be expressed. If you "protest too much", you will only feed the suspicions your wife has already aroused.<P>But like Sisyphus, I don't really have experience in this matter. My wife and I had a fair number of shared friends, but our circle of mutual acquaintances was divided with startling suddenness and thoroughness into those my wife won't talk to, and those who won't talk to me. Thus, no one has gotten conflicting stories.<BR>

I try to remind myself that "What other people think about me is none of my business."<P>When I remember that, it leaves me a lot of spare time to do something productive with, rather than worrying about what others think.<P>And you'd be surprised what other people DO think. Just because your wife is telling her side, and you don't get to tell yours, does NOT mean that others don't know or suspect the truth.<P>I actually found a few new friends that way - people that heard my H's side of the story and then were so disgusted that they came around to support ME.<P>I find that I get so mired down in my situation that I forget that there are actually people out there that don't live and breath my crisis, and so have a more unbiased clear view of things.<P>And if other people think less of you because they believe your wife - what does it matter??? So what, let them.<P>Their truths, your wife's truths, do not have to be your truth.