Please give me your advice, I have been divorced for about 3 months. My X is seeing the W he had an affair with. Should I allow him to have her around my children? We have 4 kids. My daughter who is 4 and my son who is 8 months old would be exposed to this woman. My two older children know of the affair and won't have anything to do with him if he is involved with her. I hate this woman because she is the reason why I am divorced anyway..What do I do? Help me please.<P>------------------<BR>Heidi123

Heidi,<P>I'm sorry to hear of your problems. I know exactly how you feel about having the OW around your kids. Outrageous huh?<P>Unfortunately, there's probably nothing you can do. What does your visitation agreement spell out?<P>The courts honestly don't care who your H exposes your children to, about the only thing you might be able to do is stop him from having overnights with the OW while the children are present - BUT if that is not in your visitation agreement, there's probably little you can do.<P>But, I'd recommend that you call your attorney and ask. Can't hurt to try.<P>I'm sorry you are going through this.<P>--BR

Hi,<P>My 3 kids dad left them on xmas day in '99. 2 weeks later their dad wanted overnights with them and he lived at OW house. <P>I think all states are different. Where I live, the non custodial parent has just as much right to see the kids, and the moral obligation does not come into play. Even IF the dad walked out.<P>Why do your kids hate the OW? <P>Just a thought, it is very bad to talk bad about dad or OW in front of the older kids . No matter how bad it hurts, its healthiest for everyone if the kids feel safe when they eventually do have to go to their dad's. I know you don't like the sounds of that, I hated it too.<P>15 months later, I actually get along with the OW. I hate her part in the destruction of the marriage, but you truly don't know what your spouse said in the first place when it came to the affair.<P>I had to make a decision. I wanted to know my kids were safe and she'd be good to them down the road. The younger ones, will grow up not remembering daddy lived there anyhow and can adjust. But the older ones, need counseling and need to feel safe.<P>Talk to a lawyer, your state might be different. Then talk to the school counselor, your pediatrician and a child therapist and try to do what is best for the kids. If the ex and OW stay together for years, do you want your kids to have a relationship with their dad, that is an important decision because what happens now shapes how our daughters' will view men as adults in situations like this.<P>I HATED it in the beginning. I cried for 2 days straight on every visitation. I prayed, I begged, I fought. But there was no help for me. <P>I feel ok with it now, but it was a LONG hard road to get here.<P>Good luck< Dana<BR>

Thank you for your advice! The 2 older children were adopted by him. He has always been either mentally or phycially abusive toward them..He has belittled them for years. That really is the main reason they can't stand to be around him..The affair was the icing on the cake so to speak. I was pregnant with our son when the affair started. We tried to work it out, but he didn't want to give up the OW. We still had sex together up until about 3 weeks before the divorce..He even called the night before court and asked if this is what I want..Now, he says he is in love with OW and is going to get married to her..I think he is crazy. If that is so true then how come he continues to drive by my house on the weekends he has the kids. He is always wanting to know where I am going who with etc...The other day he asked me if I bought new perfume..If I knew that he really in truly loved her..I would be able to try and accept it better. I know he is with her to keep the pot stirred because he knows how much it hurts me.<P>------------------<BR>Heidi123

Wellmy 2 cents...if he did abuse your first two children I'd give him a good bye party!!

What goes around most definitely come around, and we as women who think we are getting away with something for our own personal gain, will be eventually fooled by the same individual, she might love him now, but the **** gets old really fast and reality kicks in and WHAT GOES AROUND HAS TO COME BACK AROUND, what you dish out in the universe is most definitely going to come back on you!!!<P>So if I were you I would do what my mom use to tell me, just sit back and watch, and I always ended up the one laughing, PEOPLE ARE A TRIP.

Yes I keep hearing that What goes around comes around..I just wish it would come around a little faster....Thanks for that..<P>------------------<BR>Heidi123

Heidi,<BR>There is probably nothing you can do since you are divorced. Unless you can prove she is dangerous, child abuser, drug addict, then there is probably nothing you can do.<P>When separated, some people have had success with RO's but I doubt you can get one, again because you are divorced.<P>I understand your plight. My x was living with om and has since married him and I still struggle with om/h being around my kids to the point I almost got myself arrested a couple weeks ago for "escorting" x out of my house when we were arguing about om watching the kids while I will be away and x has the kids, but has to work(I gave her 2 montsh notice, in writing, but she forgot and was scheduled to work 2 of 4 days I will be away. She has since rescheduled the one day.)<P>Other than a multitude of moral questions about om/h, x for that matter, there are no concrete, legal methods I can keep om/h from my kids.<P>Sorry <P>Bob