I am separated from my husband and have been living with another man for nearly a year. I am still in contact with my husband on a daily basis (by phone or in person) and we have had many talks about reconciliation. I went to counseling alone when I first left my husband but it was not that helpful and I stopped after a few months. My husband thinks we should see a counselor together to figure out (a) whether our marriage is worth saving; (2) whether we are both too codependent to realize that our "issues" are not fixable and that we would be better off divorced. I am agreeable as I believe my individual counseling suffered because it addressed only "my side of the story". I contacted a counselor who told me "no reputable counselor would see my husband and I together while I was still living with another man". Has anyone else participated in counseling together with an estranged spouse who was living with someone else but trying to decide whether to give the marriage another try or am I crazy to consider that an option?

You may find reputable counselors who will do it, or you may need to resort to a disreputable one. But that's not the biggest issue facing you. <P>You're fence-sitting, and you don't have a clear head. And you won't have a clear head while you're with OM. If you're still married and might want to reconcile, OM should not be living with you. Nor should you even be seeing him. If you're going to divorce, by all means get it over with. If not, get out of OM's orbit and make a clearheaded judgment whether you will try to save your marriage or not. <P>I understand that there may be valid-seeming reasons for being with OM. None of us know the history. Or the pain. But OM doesn't seem to be in this loop, and I think it's unfair to him, regardless of what he knew about what he was getting into. If you told him the things you wrote here, he might bolt. At least he would step if he had any self-respect, respect for marriage, and common sense about what people need to do in order to be fully committed to other people. And if he's not that kind of person, do you really want him?

Mindy Sue:<P>My wife and I did counseling together while she was actively having an affair. She didn't stick with it for too long, but the counselor certainly wasn't adverse to attempting to "work" on the marriage while there was a third party involved.<P>It's even more convenient for you, because you can use the same counselor. Steve Harley (888-639-1639) did our counseling initially, and he's a terrific counselor who will help you learn the marriagebuilder's program. I'd strongly urge you to try to use either him or his sister Jennifer Harley Chalmers (same number for appointments). The phone counseling is terrific, and pretty convenient.<P>It's highly unlikely that your "issues" are unresolvable. I've never heard Steve or Jenn say that a marriage isn't worth saving. Marriages that suffer from physical abuse or addiction do have special needs, but even these can be saved. Having said that, you'll not be able to get very far in your "feelings" for your husband with this other guy involved. Your husband, however, will be able to start changing his behaviors and learning new marital skills to support the marriage.<P>Overall, it'd be better if you quit the relationship, and committed to working on your marriage, with your husband, with either Steve or Jenn coaching you. But I'm sure they'd coach you even if you decdided not to end your affair right away.<P>Give it a try. Skip marriage counselors who focus on "codependency" UNLESS one of you is addicted to chemical substances.

K,<P>Thanks for the suggestion. I will mention it to my husband and see if he is willing. I have logged on to MB almost daily since I found the site and find it exceedingly helpful. I also recently purchased Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs" which many people referenced, so the prospect of counseling with him is appealing.<P>By way of background, there are no abuse issues in my marriage, just differences in "satisfaction" levels. I am a very motivated, high achiever type person who feels that an 85% happy marriage (as I frequently described it) is not good enough. My main "issues" are my lack of physical/sexual attraction to my husband and my husband's lack of committment to our financial security. My husband is a much more laid back type who will "put up" with our poor sex life and simply relies on me to be the main financial provider. I'm not trying to be negative, I think he tends to be happier in life than I am because he is so much more accepting of things than I am. Do you think these types of "issues" will be helped by counseling? As I've mentioned in my other posts, aside from these problems my husband and I get along very well. <P>Mindy Sue

Mindy Sue,<P>Counseling isn't a magic elixir. We have a person or two on this site that is a professional, and they will tell you up front that they can suggest ideas, but you and your husband are the ones who will decide whether or not to use the tools. And it is the way you use the tools a counsler gives you that will determine whether or not it will help.<P>Counseling by itself doesn't do anything except give you both the opportunity to select different ways of doing things. It may provide you the opportunity to become aware of points of view other than your own. But whether or not it helps is up to you two.<P>From the sounds of things you have your work cut out for you. In your post you focused on an unsatisfying sex life. OK, that takes care of an hour or two a day when you are young. (you might slow down a little when you get into your seventies) What about the other twenty-three hours?<BR>Take a hint from an old timer, if there is nothing going on in the living room, there isn't much going on in the bedroom either.<P>Good Luck<P>Bumper