In my post yesterday, I wrote about my insensitive STBXH.<BR>Well, last night I get a call from whom other than him, MR. Insensitive. He started to apologize profusely for upsetting me earlier and for "doing what he has done" and for hurting me the way he has.<P>Now here is the kicker!!!!! He then proceeded to tell me over and over again, to not tell anyone that he called me. What in the heck does that mean???????? He is afraid that I would call the OW, which I have absolutely no intention of doing. <P>He is so cruel. Whenever he has apologized, he has to go and do something to totally negate it. In trying to do something to make himself feel better, he then makes me feel worse. This is the conversation: Petrie, I am so so so sorry for what I've done, and I am sorry for upsetting you earlier. Really I am so sorry. Now don't tell anyone I called. I mean it Petrie, don't tell anyone. I replied, no I won't, really!!. (him) I mean it Petrie don't tell anyone, don't call her.....................<P>I lost count of how many times he "don't tell anyone"<P>Could anyone tell me what this means?????? He is some piece of work. <P>Thank you!!!!<P><BR>

Hi Petrie,<P>I'm back from a bit of an absence, so I'm not familiar with your history. But at the risk of being harsh and judgemental, he sounds like a real chicken****.<P>Honestly it sounds like he's trying to maintain a realtionship with both of you. Not sure if it's conflict avoidance or what, but it kind of sounds like it to me.<P>I wish I had a better answer, but it just sounds to me like he wants to come off as being a nice guy to you (despite his actions) while at the same time not letting his current romantic interest know that he cares about your feelings.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

I think your right cOOker in that he doesn't want his new woman to think he cares about my feelings. In my mind, especially due to the CRUEL way he went about this affair, I would think he'd want his new interest to see that he has a heart (something I wonder about).<P>Does the Other person think that the BS would someday betray them?<P>I want to give an example of one of the most horrific instances of my husband's behaviour, but it is pretty lengthy. The reason I'd want to is because I have been thinking about it alot lately and I want to share. I kind of look back on it (I don't dwell on it) in an out of body way. I see this woman so frantic about what is happening to her marriage and the man she has loved for 13yrs.-and her husband just ripping her heart to shreads, saying the most cruel things, and just leaving and not caring about a very special person he has cast aside. It is like I am watching a movie of the week.<P>

Hi Petrie,<P>As I read the line your stbx is giving you, it gave me the sensation of a warm, moist lump. I haven't experienced anything quite like it since I got out of training pants.<P>As the resident cynic, here are my two cents worth.<BR> <BR>Have you ever heard of terms like manipulator and controller? Just exactly what kind of behavior do you suppose those terms refer to? Sounds to me like the man is trying to avoid what he thinks are the normal, natural consequences of his actions.<P>Last time I checked, apologies don't mean much without repentance; it is as simple as ABC:<P>A. I'm sorry, <P>B. I intend to change my ways, I won't do it again<P>C. I'm willing to make amends for the hurt I caused you.<P>Please notice that we are not playing "Let's make a Deal". A sincere apology doesn't require a whole lot of negotiation! It is offered to the injured party without conditions. It is usually left to the injured party to decide how to respond. (OK, maybe we hope that the injured person will forego revenge.)<P>It sounds like your STBX is apologizing on the condition that you keep it a secret. Often times it is best for all parties concerned not to air the dirty laundry in public. But just this one time, your decision to keep the matter private should consider the self interest of the innocent and injured party as just a little more important than that of the offender. Maybe a 51 to 49 weighing of the facts. <P>So, if you decide to keep this a secret, I hope you do it for you, for your peace of mind, and for your self respect. <P><B> "Answer evil with evil, and evil will never leave your household." </B><P>Bumper<BR>Cynic at Large<BR>Opinions, lines and comments for all occasions.<P><BR>