What happens to women who leave their husbands and have no money, no place to go really and have a substantial amount of debt? Is it even possible to leave a marriage if those are ones circumstances? There is no transportation, no available income, no family, and a pretty strong dependency on each other for financial reasons. However, there's also no honesty, no sex, no trust, and an apparent need to control one another. How can I leave?<br>Mystified

Without wanting to be too judgemental, I think that the above describes an excessive state of dependency (particularly in this day of age) which should be addressed regardless of the state of the marriage. <br>If the marriage is deteriorating beyond salvage, then there is probably no realistic choice but to address all of those issues. It may be helpful to think about the life assumptions that have resulted in your being where you are, now. It is a common ideal to have a "Leave it to Beaver" middle class existance (for many men and women), but the reality is that we should all be prepared to stand on our own two feet. <br>There is an excellent book by a psychologist featured on Oprah a number of times, who was a key to her trial defense last year. I can't remember the title at the moment (it's early in the AM), but I'll jot it down and post that tomorrow; I think you might find the book very interesting, from a viewpoint of planning and implementing a new life strategy- that is the threshold you are on. Good luck and God speed.

Newaygo,<p>Why leave? Why not work on the problems?

Hello again; the book I was trying to remember is "Life Strategies- Doing What Works- Doing What Matters", by Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D. <br>K's comment is very valid also; but fit's well within the context of McGraw's book, as do Dr. Harley's philosophy. Without knowing more about your situation, it's not possible to comment on the wisdom of any particular set of choices or strategy. McGraw's emphasis is on finding a strategy that "works" for getting your needs met and reaching the goals in life that you truly desire, without deluding yourself or others about what that takes or who has the power and responsibility to make that happen. I highly recommend it, and I also recommend Dr. Harley's books and concepts; I've given a way a few sets of Harley's main books (His Needs, Her Needs; Give and Take), and I haven't had anyone yet be other than impressed by his insight and suggestions. Again, good luck and God speed.

Jonmark- Thank you for your input and the book suggestion. Often, it is helpful to have the input of others who are not so close to the situation although I know it is difficult to help when all the circumstances aren't known. I would like to stay married to this man but just don't know if I can under the circumstances. He is of the opinion that everything belongs to him regardless of the fact that I make about the same amount of money and buy nothing for myself. It took me 3 hours to convince him that it doesn't matter whose name stuff is in, it belongs to both equally but even then, I think he only agreed to end the discussion. Neither of us had anything to start with and we just extended ourselves too quickly. Then both vehicles died but we still have large payments on them. It will take more money to fix them than we can put together. He lies to me all the time about where the money goes, how he spends his time, and about other things like telling me he put antifreeze in the vehicles but really didn't so they both have cracked blocks now. He won't discuss any problems we have but expects everything to fix itself. I thank all for their input.

Yes, as Dr. Harley would put it, it sounds like you're getting some classic "lovebusters" from your husband.<br>Communication, honesty, mutual support, and the ability to work as a team are so important to making marriage worthwhile for both partners. Perhaps if you and your husband can sit down and read Dr. Harley's books jointly (together would be even better, because it could stimulate mutual dialog), it may be possible to open up and discuss things. <br>When people get defensive about things, sadly it is because on some levels they know that they "haven't been carrying the water", and the criticism may be justified. If you are both working, and both making efforts at home, then maybe it would help to re-order priorities a bit so that there is less pressure and demands. Many men new to marriage have internalized ideas of the responsibilities and put too much effort into areas that aren't important (in the long run), while neglecting ones that are; others, lacking role models from their family of origin, don't really have a clue about the needs of family life or their wives. Harley's books can help a lot with that (why don't they teach "Family 101" and "Introduction to the Requisites of Marriage" in school, huh?) Dr. McGraw's book is very interesting at evaluating the attitudes and strategies (or lack thereof!) regarding many life issues; even if you're doing pretty OK in many regards, it can still be very interesting and helpful (I speak from personal experience).<br>Last, don't settle for hiding and concealment on your husband's part. Neither of you has justification for that in marriage; it shows a defensiveness about means and ends that isn't healthy at all for your primary intimate relationship. How old are you both (approximately)? It sounds like maybe you've married a little before you were both really ready for that. That is not an insurmountable obstacle, but it must be recognized and addressed with a strategy for coping lest your marriage continue in a downward spiral. I wish you luck, and urge you to read some of the other postings here; though there are many sad stories, there are many success stories from people who have had similar or worse issues. Though you sound discouraged, remember that even if your husband is reluctant to read about or address these issues, you can make a change just by yourself, and start a process of growth.

Yes, as Dr. Harley would put it, it sounds like you're getting some classic "lovebusters" from your husband.<br>Communication, honesty, mutual support, and the ability to work as a team are so important to making marriage worthwhile for both partners. Perhaps if you and your husband can sit down and read Dr. Harley's books jointly (together would be even better, because it could stimulate mutual dialog), it may be possible to open up and discuss things. <br>When people get defensive about things, sadly it is because on some levels they know that they "haven't been carrying the water", and the criticism may be justified. If you are both working, and both making efforts at home, then maybe it would help to re-order priorities a bit so that there is less pressure and demands. Many men new to marriage have internalized ideas of the responsibilities and put too much effort into areas that aren't important (in the long run), while neglecting ones that are; others, lacking role models from their family of origin, don't really have a clue about the needs of family life or their wives. Harley's books can help a lot with that (why don't they teach "Family 101" and "Introduction to the Requisites of Marriage" in school, huh?) Dr. McGraw's book is very interesting at evaluating the attitudes and strategies (or lack thereof!) regarding many life issues; even if you're doing pretty OK in many regards, it can still be very interesting and helpful (I speak from personal experience).<br>Last, don't settle for hiding and concealment on your husband's part. Neither of you has justification for that in marriage; it shows a defensiveness about means and ends that isn't healthy at all for your primary intimate relationship. How old are you both (approximately)? It sounds like maybe you've married a little before you were both really ready for that. That is not an insurmountable obstacle, but it must be recognized and addressed with a strategy for coping lest your marriage continue in a downward spiral. I wish you luck, and urge you to read some of the other postings here; though there are many sad stories, there are many success stories from people who have had similar or worse issues. Though you sound discouraged, remember that even if your husband is reluctant to read about or address these issues, you can make a change just by yourself, and start a process of growth.

Yes, as Dr. Harley would put it, it sounds like you're getting some classic "lovebusters" from your husband.<br>Communication, honesty, mutual support, and the ability to work as a team are so important to making marriage worthwhile for both partners. Perhaps if you and your husband can sit down and read Dr. Harley's books jointly (together would be even better, because it could stimulate mutual dialog), it may be possible to open up and discuss things. <br>When people get defensive about things, sadly it is because on some levels they know that they "haven't been carrying the water", and the criticism may be justified. If you are both working, and both making efforts at home, then maybe it would help to re-order priorities a bit so that there is less pressure and demands. Many men new to marriage have internalized ideas of the responsibilities and put too much effort into areas that aren't important (in the long run), while neglecting ones that are; others, lacking role models from their family of origin, don't really have a clue about the needs of family life or their wives. Harley's books can help a lot with that (why don't they teach "Family 101" and "Introduction to the Requisites of Marriage" in school, huh?) Dr. McGraw's book is very interesting at evaluating the attitudes and strategies (or lack thereof!) regarding many life issues; even if you're doing pretty OK in many regards, it can still be very interesting and helpful (I speak from personal experience).<br>Last, don't settle for hiding and concealment on your husband's part. Neither of you has justification for that in marriage; it shows a defensiveness about means and ends that isn't healthy at all for your primary intimate relationship. How old are you both (approximately)? It sounds like maybe you've married a little before you were both really ready for that. That is not an insurmountable obstacle, but it must be recognized and addressed with a strategy for coping lest your marriage continue in a downward spiral. I wish you luck, and urge you to read some of the other postings here; though there are many sad stories, there are many success stories from people who have had similar or worse issues. Though you sound discouraged, remember that even if your husband is reluctant to read about or address these issues, you can make a change just by yourself, and start a process of growth.