Well STBXH wanted to "talk" about terms for the D this weekend. SORRY, ain't gonna happen!!! I discovered that he took a trip to NY this past week to see some woman (OW or friend of OW#1 I'm not sure). Doesn't really matter. Has a subway pass good through May this year so know he is going back. And he kept telling me he didn't know what he was doing after contract was up, LIAR, Now I'm having doubts about whether or not he is still working in New Orleans. LIAR LIAR LIAR. He wanted to do this all above board and remain friends but he has blown that. He has lied to me, his mother and everyone else. I DO NOT trust him. I now harbour no hope for any reconciliation. I deserve so much more than just second best. My kids deserve to be so much more that second best. <P>He told his mom he was just unhappy and was not involved, I knew better she believed him. Now I have proof!!!!!! <P><BR>I am so angry at him and at myself right now. He is a total and complete A$$. <P>Mediation here we come.

You are in my prayers.<P> <P>Jim

Dear HopeAZ,<P>I am sorry you have been hurt again. Those lousy ...... betrayal and deceit are their favorite passtimes. Do they think we are stupid? <P>Can I try to cheer you up? I am just about to post a 'new' thread about a kind of funny incident. I origianlly wrote it under NSR's Silent Correspondence. Events that came my way last night make me want to put this incident on it's own. Anyway, watch for something called: The bag of laundry and OW's H. <P>Looking back at everything, I feel like I have been in a bad movie. But, things are starting to look up. I think I am finally moving toward the acceptance stage and WS is not happy about where he is finding himself. All that 'freedom' he claimed he was looking for bit the dust and the reality of the matter is that he is working his but harder now and for less of a return. (WS is going in the hole 30% per month - How many months has he been out? 3. <P>3 x 30 = 90%. WS used to be good at math, but the fog is cluttering his brain. He can't seem to understand that he is not making it, much less that OW's retuned to her home (to get his things). <P>OW is really getting a treasure and as she called my H "my money machine". <P>Talk to you later. <P>L.<p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited March 31, 2001).]

Thanks NSR and Orchid,<P>Yesterday was the day from hell. When I asked about the trip to NY he told me it was to see the girl he had an A with 5 years ago. Brief A history....she 19 he 31 met in bar in Norway knew each other 3 days....spent one weekend together in NY.....main contact letters and phone...A was about 1 year old when I discovered it....STBXH broke off A.....she so traumitized threaten suicide. <P>So 4 years into recovery I find myself being left for her. He told me yesterday that what she went through when he broke up with her was the same thing I'm going through now. (unprintable comments here). She was so traumitized she had to get counselling, poor thing. He told me they had a lot of issues to work out but of course she is his soulmate so they will work on it. He wouldn't stay and work on our issues but he is willing to do so with her? (more unprintable comments here) He plans to buy a house here, work where ever he gets the best contract and work on a relationship with a 25 yr who lives primarily in Norway but comes to NY to take Ballet classes every now and again and be a dad to his kids. Getting stretched pretty thin if ya ask me.<P>We talked briefly about financial arrangements. His plan now is to give me X amount of money. He wants to only be obligated legally on paper for 1/2 that amount the rest to be given to me as an allowance. That was his latest D advice given to him by a perfect stranger on the plane. He threatens me all the time that he is willing to give me way more money than I am legally entitiled to because he cares for me and the kids (unprintable). <P>I asked him why he wanted to buy a house here when he would only be spending every other weekend here anyway. Seems like a waste of money to me. He says he plans to get a roomate to help pay for cost. His proposed roommate is a philanderer and has a new girl in his bed every weekend!!! Do I want my children exposed to that??? I think not.<P>This whole situation gets worse and worse. <BR>

Oh, just a little more salt in the wound. I wondered why all of a sudden he was pushing for the D. When he first mentioned being unhappy and maybe D he really did not talk about it or push the issue. Suddenly he could not get the D fast enough. All this huge rush to get a divorce happened at the same time he contacted her to see if she was still avaiable and interested.<P>My take is that if she was avaiable D was plan, if not he would not have gone through with it. I knew he would never leave me unless he had someone there. He can not be alone.

Dear HopeAZ,<P>Sounds like your H is making life changing plans living in a dream world. The bimbo in ballet shoes, is using him to get to 'America' land of the milk and honey, honey. <P>I know this sounds harsh but both you & I know we are going through the same thing. My take on this is let your H go ahead with his ridiculous plans. Let him, they don't make a whole lot of sense to those not in the fog. <P>Has he really counted his pennies to make sure you will get what you need or are the monies being alotted to you going to be optional when his budget gets tight? <P>Ex: Today is 4/1/01. Because I had mostly bailed out WS's but out for the past 2 months (paid his credit cards, insurance, day care etc - to the tune of about $4000.00+) and can no longer do that without his participation) now mind you these are not family bills, these are his bills, this was done due to community property laws out here in CA land. I am legally liable for his bills and he mine. <BR>Now WS owes me today, either a note to our landlord giving us (his family) a 30 day notice to move or he gives me 'his room rent money ($800.00) so I can pay my current bills, IRs, utility, car payment, etc. Why don't I have that mnoney already? Because 'someone' promised to get me that money over 2 weeks ago and 'someone' did not make enough to give me anything. <P>However, WS's comeback was: "If I had a million dollars, I would give it all to you." Great thought, but how does that help me right now since you don't even have $1000.00 in the bank? His comeback? "Well at least your bills are not 60+ days late, like mine." Ok, that means that I am more responsible, that means I do pay my bills, that means that I do not plan to have legal action taken against me for being negligent. So what else? No reply from the great conflict avoider. <P>So HopeAZ, let your H plan out what he thinks, you write up what you know of his budget and put it on paper. See what he comes up with. In my case the difference between the 2 monthly budget statements was 272.00 difference. Mine version of H's budget was 272 less than his and yet his income was $1372 less than his projected budget. How long will he last? <P>The calculator rides in favor of the rational one. 2 + 2 always equals 4. Use this to your advantage. This may mean you will have to prove that you are spending the money he is giving you wisely. I have a monthly spreadsheet showing where our family spends their money. Cold hard figures to back up my position. H had a lot of talk and hot air but nothing to back him up. It made him look bad but that was something he did to himself and when we met with his BIL as a mediator, it was real evident, that WS did not know what he was doing. <P>Just some info. Be prepared and take care. There is not a whole lot you can do with them while they are in fantasy land. <P>L.<P><BR>

Thanks Orchid.<P>As for OW using H to get to America...probably not, her father lives in Florida ( or at least has a house in FL)so think she may have rights here anyway. What I do wonder though is how she manages to live in Norway (very high cost of living) study ballet and fly to NY regularly to study there? Think Daddy may be providing a bit there? Anyway H is only a resident alien himself so don't know how easy it will/would be to bring her in and marry her here. Since he seems determined to stay here in AZ (ie buying the house)I also wonder how happy she would be living in the desert after a life in Norway, huge climate differnce and Phoenix has a struggling ballet company at best.<P>The whole financial situation scares me. How could I trust him to cough up dollars he is not legally bound to give me? There is so much involved here. We have a business together. It was set up mainly to protect us from having to pay high taxes. What he is doing will only increase the amount of tax he pays. Which means less money at the end of the day. We lived very comfortably and were beginning to see real increases in savings. Last year we were able to take a 6 week vacation in Australia. Now he is willing to throw that all away. He will now have to pay himself a huge salary to cover all the expenses. No more left overs. While at the same time he tells me how much he hates working and doesn't want to work the rest of his life!!!!! Now I know he really resents the fact that I no longer work outside the home although I did take care of all the finances for the company. I had asked him several times during our time here if he wanted me to go back to work and he always said no that he did not want me to have to work. Stupid me for not interpretting the real meaning of this as yes I would like you to work as I feel too much resentment in having to provide for the family. He does not make enough money now to give me what it would take to stay here and live a comfortable life(not having ot count every penny) and live the life I know he likes. So I know who would be the first to suffer!!! I will not accept any thing from him that doesn't have some contract attached to it. Whether it is part of the D settlement or not.<P>There is so much more that bothers me but will save that for later.

Another installment in the ongoing saga....<P>In STBXH D plan we download forms off computer fill them out and file. He told me where I had to go to file papers. I firmly told him that I would not do that. He would have to take the papers in himself. He came back the next day and said that if I did not go to file the papers he would miss a day of work and that ment a loss of income of $800 and that would be $800 I would never see (as support I am to assume). I kindly reminded him that he was not concerned about the loss of income when he took three days off work last week to go see girlfriend so taking ine day off should not matter.<P>He tried several other times to engage me in some type of argument but I declined and instead treated him with indiffernce. I was outside when he got ready to leave and he came out to pick at me again I just listened to his comments and as he turned to leave I said cheerily Goodbye have a nice flight. He walked away cussing under his breath. I allowed him no control and he hated it. It felt sooooo good.<P>

Dear HopeAZ,<P>Samething happened here. H claims time off work (mind you doesn't seem to count that 3 days in Feb without pay to take OW to Yosemite and spend a minimum of $244.00 dollars on hotel and in room meal making him lose about $700.00 over all - lost wages and all) was ok but being sick 2 days and having to take care of son for 1 day was just too much time off work. In addition to that he wanted me to suck up his bills again for the month of March so he could spend his income on his room rent for April because he did not want take time off of work (which he doesn't have to) and move to wherever. <P>Oh yea, H says he wants to file for divorce but would I help with the paperwork. Right. He wants the D, he needs to get it. He claims he can only afford the quickie D, that means he needs to do all the leg work. I walked through the steps by going to the courthouse getting the forms, etc. It is painful and difficult. But if he wants it he can do it. <P>New item: Yesterday, H came by with cash $380.00. Asked if I had dipped into his checking account because 'someone' had taken $400.00. I said no I did not. Which I didn't. Now this means that H can not make rent for his room. He did not give me a 30 day notice to move letter so at least we have a place to live. Where H will live is unknown. H is getting more and more unpredicatable. Most of his answers are "I don't know." I may look into getting some one to evaluate him, but I know he will fight me on this. Getting real frustrated with his attitude. <P>I have to stand by what I know is right. H can not be allowed to get away with any more than he already has. Oh he threatened to stop working and disappear from the face of the earth and a lot more. Boy they get real crazy in this fog. <P>I am beginning to wonder, is it possible to sue the OW for mental cruelity?<P>L.<P>