My fiance and i have had a rocky road. She left another man for me after a year of "back and forth". Shortly after committing to me we were engaged. However, the problems persisted. She cannot communicate. She leaves our home(we live together)every so often to "deal" with her emotions. What these emotions are she will not divulge. She closes me out and stays with her mother until she is "composed". She also has a tendency to lock herself in the restroom when feeling "this way". I have pleaded to understand, to let her open up. I have also ignored and hoped it would go away. Recently, she left again, and I told her to move out. She responded with rage and broke several items in the apartment. I then learned she had some abusive (physically, verbally) relationships in the past. Her rage and inability to communicate are obvious results of such a past. She is now telling me she will work on the problems and recognizes she is wrong. To me, these are words. I fear that this will not go away. Quite frankly, after witnessing the rage, I see her in a new light. And I don't like what I see. she claims that couples have problems and we should work it out.She also thinks that I am giving up. However, these are major signs of serious problems. I would love some insight. <p>[This message has been edited by m (edited 02-06-99).]

Don't get married while you know there are problems as major as this. The problems will be a part of your marriage and destroy it before it has a chance to start. You don't have to give up on her, but she needs counseling to help her (and you) understand why she has these problems and, more importantly, how to deal with them in a healthy way. Don't make a decision to get married until you know the problems are dealt with. You might find, over time, that this is not the "right person" for you and will save yourself and her the heartache of a failed marriage.

I have friends with much less serious issues than you describe who have benefitted immensely from pre-marital counseling. If your girlfriend is serious about working out issues, see if she will agree to this. You may also find that a good counselor, in addition to seeing you jointly, will want to work with you individually, also- that is very likely.<p>You may also find Dr. Harley's books very intersting, including his those preparing to marry. If you can succussfully approach counselling and reading and discussing books like Dr. Harley's, then you may well have the basis for a future together. At this point, it does sound like the safest thing is to work towards a that goal a step at a time. Marriage is too serious a commitment and responsiblity to jump into it lightly.<br>Whatever you decide, good luck to you both.

What you have to remember about your woman: she will be devastated if you threaten to leave her, or even suggest that you don't know if you want to be with her. This is what you should do: give it time. Tell her you love her very much, and that you want to work this out, and that you are SURE that you can work it out, but that she does need to work on expressing herself to you so that you can work through problems. Tell her you will be patient, but that you are not going to marry her until you feel that she is opening up to you. (Marriage is a very sacred thing that should only be entered into when things are truly intact.)<p>But you do need to remember that she is feeling especially sensitive to the thought that you may want to leave her. This is the worst thing a woman can deal with. And knowing her history, she deserves even more of an allowance for not being completely expressive with you.<p>If she realizes her fault, and you love her, then of course you would give her a chance to change her unexpressive ways. <p>She does need to go to counselling though. I would suggest to her that you will go with her, because you love her and you want her to be okay. If she sees your unfailing support, she will be able to change more readily because she will feel "safe". (This is a very fundamental need to most women, and it will be especially to her since she never has felt "safe".)<p>Make her feel safe and loved, and try to realize that it will take a lot of energy, but it will be worth it in the end. It's not up to you to change her - it's up to her - but if you want to help her, you can.<p>Give it some time and see what happens.<p>And don't look at her with doubting eyes. She will sense it very easily, and you won't get to where you want to go. Give her your trust, and things may work out. <p>But that's the best you can do. And if it doesn't work out, it was because of her lack of efforts.<p>Good luck!