All,<P>Would you stay?<P>Married 13 years - 2 children. Most would say the marriage is a happy one. No fighting, activities together, intimacy, generally contented - but have had "normal" couples issues over the years.<P>Here is the situation. One spouse - me, has spent the better part of the past 9 years deployed away from home, all without the family. I have tended to party while on deployment or on an unaccompanied assignment - when able. Alcohol and foreign women make for a bad combination. At about the 7 year mark I had what the first of several one night stands - seven to be exact. During a six month separation - I had a physical affair. Other than her, I don't know who the women are - and I never cared to know and I have never had contact with any since (all happened overseas).<P>Some more background. Around November of 1999, I noticed my wife was paying a lot of attention to another M in my unit - the H of a couple we were "developing a friendship with". I am the jealous type (like I have a right to, but I am and that is that). I began to believe it was more than playfullness between them.<P>Last December after a party where I had plenty to drink - my wife pressed me for information - something she had never done before. I told her - everything. Anything she wanted. She said she wouldn't get mad - and she didn't. Things went seemingly well. Then..... <P>I know a bit or two about computers - and I captured emails between the two - confirming my suspiscions. They were indeed up to something. She had a retaliatory affair - I guess that is what I would call it. Although, in retrospect - I think the reason she pressed me for the information that night - was because she needed the excuse to have the affair with him.<P>The question - would you stay with me?<P>I love my wife. I didn't do the things I did because I didn't - but I did do them. I won't use alcohol as an excuse because I knew what I was doing. I know what my problem is - and it is controllable, and I want to. I have followed the advice of Dr. Harley for people prone to one night stands. I plan to live the rest of my life in accordance with his counsel - I have read all his books. I can't get my wife to do so, however.<P>I have more of this story to tell, but again...<P>Would you stay? Do I deserve a chance? Does she - she cheated as well - two wrongs don't make a right.<P>Long post - what are your thoughts?<P><p>[This message has been edited by lessthanhonorable (edited April 14, 2001).]

As an ex-Navy wife, I can completely understand the atmosphere you are describing. I suspect, although my stbx denies, that there were many one night stands while he was overseas, due to alcohol and foreign women....<P>Deployment is definitely not condusive to marriage or fidelity is it? I found in the Navy community that affairs were the norm - wives and husbands both. I came from a very VERY sheltered home, and as a brand new bride, I can only describe my introduction to that atmosphere traumatizing.<P>Only you can decide what to do, but I'll ask this question: What do you have to lose by staying? If you stayed for 12 months and did you best to work it out, what do you really risk? I would be willing to bet you stand to lose much more by rushing through this decision...<P>I would strongly suggest that you get a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. Read it, see what you think, and then give the Harley's a call for telephone counseling. I had about 8 sessions with Steve Harley, and while my marriage could not be saved (due to untreated alcoholism), I found Steve to be extremely helpful in understanding my own needs in a marriage.<P>I wish you luck. <P>--BR

You posted a very honest thread. If I were a betrayed wife, I'd be very happy with the honesty. A lot of us, never get the answers we seek. <P>Two wrongs don't make a right, retaliation affairs are not good either, but if you both want to save the marriage, its certainly possible, the Harley's have a great program.<P>I have no clue about being a wife of someone who is gone all the time, but I would think,that is hard on the relationship, the family and a lot of trust would be needed.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

I have to say that I believe in saving the marriage, it sounds to me like you just need counseling, another thing I guess I've always been a person who has believed that if things are great physically what do you need another person for, there isn't any kitty cat out there that is that good, and it's always better with someone who loves, cares, for you and know's how to please you getting a stranger to do that is a total waste of time and it doesn't take anything away from anyone truly except yourself, (your respect for your own body, if you love your own body you wouldn't allow someone to violate it for one night of passion and destroy years with someone else). <P>IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT, THERE ISN'T ANYTHING OUT THERE!!!<BR>What goes around comes around and I take it back to the women who allow themselves to be used like this, the ruin marriages etc. etc. but I guarantee it, they are going to go through the same thing, and when it's happening to you personally, it's a whole lot worse than being the person having the fun for a few hours.<P>I do not understand why people have that low of self esteem, yes I do, I have low self esteem too, but I cannot go out and lay with someone I have children to think about.

Does your wife want you to stay? I get the feeling from your post that maybe her affair was already going on and she is using your affairs as justification. I'm not sure about who filed and what your wife wants.....<P>I'm an ex AirForce wife and I always thought my H was true blue during his deployments with the squadrons....since the affair I really wonder.....LU

Hello Less......you have got to start thinking about a new name if you are going to transform!!! You are honorable, you have made mistakes, you are admitting to them, now repair the damage.<BR>Go down to the general questions forum and find the post that is titled 'to cl'. We are having a chat abt serial cheaters. Care to join us? <BR>I am not a military wife, but my h ends up involved in these deployment areas too-Kuwait, Kosovo, Dubai, Somalia, etc. He is now in Europe and looks like he will be gone thru summer. <BR>It is not the easiest lifestyles for maintaining families, but it can be done. I am not so sure that we actually spend less time together as a family because when he is off, he is home. Takes lots of love, patience and understanding.<BR>I would question why your wife had the affair. Retaliatory? Lonely? Burned out? I would suspect that in your community someone may have mentioned that the spouses in your unit were screwing around. Either she was told directly about you or she surmised it? Men do talk to their wives, who in turn talk to others....and secrets are no longer so secret.<BR>I wont justify her affair-they are all wrong if you agreed to a monogamous relationship. Cheating is cheating, regardless of who did what first. I would not go spouting that around the house if you want to make the marraige work! You will not win any points that way.<BR>Have you thought about counseling with the harleys? Or with clergy? My h responded quite well to counseling with a priest. He did not respond well to some of the others we tried-it was a nightmare! <BR>Dana, I will have to disagree with you on one point. Knowing the truth does not set you free. I wish I did not know half of what I do. I learned a very valuable lesson from all this-only ask the question if you are prepared for the answer. Yeah, I asked after things were very out of kilter, and it was far worse than I could ever have imagined. Over the past couple yrs I have become much more careful abt what I ask. It is very very painful to hear the words-at least if it was imaginary I might be able to keep it in an unreal light? Hard to say! <BR>Less, NO LBs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aloha, cl

Lu - don't take from my situation that all mil spouse cheat on their spouses when they deploy - because they don't. In fact - most do not. They are very true to their W or H - despite the many temptations.<P>I read all of Harley's books - and a few others. I know my problem and know I can control it. I also know that counseling would be the right thing. I have tried to get my W to read any of Harley's books. I believe his approach is the best for a lot of reasons. I just can't get her to commit to any counseling. She believes we have tried - but we have only been to one counselor - for three sessions and she was less than enthusiastic and not really committed to them.<P>She did begin counseling for herself when she returned to the United States. And I am very happy for that. I know she needs to do what ever is necessary to help deal with this and any other problems she may be having. I have always wanted nothing but happiness for her. However, I also believe that she is getting the strength or the counsel from this therapist to pursue a divorce. She filed - with my agreement - in March. She can finalize in mid-May, unless she changes her mind.<P>I have continually tried to let her know that I will work to change and that we need to work on our M together. She does not believe people can change and does not want to be hurt by me again - and believes that I would again stray - eventually. I know that I do not want to.<P>I love her, I have told her so. I have appologized. I have changed my behavior. I sent a very long letter - explaining how I think we are heading down the wrong path. That a divorce is wrong for her, me, us and the kids. I stressed we have not given ourselves a chance - either by working on the marriage, or through enough time. It has only been a year since I told her everything and since she cheated on me. From reading the stories here on MB, it takes much more time than that.<P>I am hopeful the letter changes her mind - and that she is willing to hold off and give us a chance. But if not, and if she goes to court in May (I don't return to the US until June) - then I will have to work on maintaining a strong relationship with my children and as strong a "friendship" or relationship with my stbxw.<P>lth<p>[This message has been edited by lessthanhonorable (edited April 03, 2001).]

Hello LTH,<BR>Perhaps your wife would be amenable to postponing the divorce until after you return to the states? It seems like a fair request and if approached gently, she may agree. It would give you some time to prove to her you have changed. <BR>Sorry to hear her counselors are not pro-marriage. I tried a few and none felt I should stay in the marriage. Time will tell if they were right-I will not stay should he cheat again.<BR>The only reason I am here today is because of a retrouvaille priest and mb. This was my support system, and the only ones that encouraged me toward reconciliation. All friends, relatives and counselors said otherwise. I have had some pretty traumatic life/death experiences in my life, but this was the worst. I can understand that she fears repeated pain-so do I! <BR>Trust is still not repaired but we are working on it. <BR>Will she agree to counseling with Harleys? Couldnt hurt to ask. <BR>Hmmm, a year after discovery I still was not sure I wanted to be married to him. Yes, it takes a lot of time and patience. Sometimes the patience runs pretty thin! <BR>(((((hugs))))) cl<BR>need to post before getting cut again! hate aol.<BR>

Dear LTH,<P>Would your W be willing to read posts here? So much is learned from the variety of persons and backgrounds on these sites. I have encouraged my H to read from here (he is the WS) and it did help him to some extent. It stopped helping him when he stopped reading. <P>Just a suggestion. Good to see you doing your best. <P>L.<BR>