I left my husband 9 months ago. Our marriage had fallen apart and he had begun to pretend I didn't even exist. I felt leaving was all I could do. I left one day while he was at work. Didn't take everything, but took enough to live on.<P>2 months later we reconnected. We have now been seeing each other for 6 months, in counseling for 3. <P>I want to move back home. I am in a small apartment and feel that life is on hold. I don't buy furniture, look for a house, etc. because I want to move back in. I feel we would get more out of our weekly counseling sessions if we were living together and could use those tools on a daily basis.<P>My husband does not want me to move home. He needs to feel a comfort level before that happens. Wants to see us resolve all issues at counseling first. I think this is a fairy tale - that we will always have issues, it is just learning how to work through them that we need to know.<P>Right now I feel like he has his cake and icing too. He lives alone in our house, does what he pleases when he pleases, sees me when he wants to, has sex with me, has me for companionship, and is getting off the financial hook by not going through a divorce.<P>Am I wrong? Or is he? What can I do to get make him see I should move home? Wouldn't this make our counseling work better? Or is he simply stalling me, happy with living alone, and putting off the divorce? What can I do to make him WANT me home?<P>Help, help, more help!!!<BR>

Sounds like you're wrong.<P>I hate to be blunt, but you are the one who moved out without letting him know, apparently, that something was wrong. You sneaked out. You may have had an affair that you are neglecting to mention. If you have, be up front about it and stop immediately. Lasting relationships are not built on lust and lies. You will destroy the marriage you have and have nothing to show for it.<P>It looks like you want it both ways. You say that resolving all issues before letting you move back home is a "fairy tale". You also are the one that moved out, essentially without working on the issues. <P>Basically, he doesn't trust you. The more you force to get back home, the more he will resist. Give him reasons to take you back. I do not mean a debate with him. Have a good time together. Spend a lot of time together. Start behaving in a manner so that he can trust you. Do not even mention moving back home. Again, you are the one who walked out. For all he knows you will do it again and he doesn't want to play that game anymore. If he loves you, he was hurt severely when you moved out. He doesn't want to ever do that again.<P><BR>

Thanks for your reply. But I must elaborate obviously. I never cheated on my husband- I just do not believe in it. The reason I left without talking to him about it is due to the fact that he had not spoken to me - not ONE word - for a month prior to the move. I really was at the end of my rope, and yes, finally angry myself. I finally begged him to go to counseling again (I got him to go twice before, but each time the counselor started talking to him about his mood swings and the way he would without affection when upset, he would quit the counseling.<P>I do believe you are right about him not trusting me though. But I am afraid it is more from a "materialist" standpoint than anything else. As I said before, I was fair when I left - I took the washer, left the new dryer, etc... but he only saw it his way.<P>Regardless - right now I want us to continue with the counseling and get our marriage back together, but I just feel it would be better all the way around if we could do it living together. We are growing apart simply due to living apart. There are things that just naturally have to happen - both financially and mentally. <P>I just want him to give our living together, with counseling, a chance. We HAVE been doing the "seeing each other and having good times together" for 7 months - isn't it time to try now?<P>More input please?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Daisy58:<BR><B>Right now I feel like he has his cake and icing too. He lives alone in our house, does what he pleases when he pleases, sees me when he wants to, has sex with me, has me for companionship, and is getting off the financial hook by not going through a divorce.</B> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Daisy,<P>Sounds like you got caught in a trap of your own making. I really think you weakened your position a great deal when you decided to move out of the house. Unless you are in danger, that is rarely a good idea. Just moving out unannounced isn't just a love buster, it is a GREAT BIG ****ING LOVE BUSTER. It is about like setting off an atomic bomb to light a cigarette. A pretty good case can be made out that you deserted your husband. A wife is legally required to live in the home her husband provides for her.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Daisy58:<BR><B>I never cheated on my husband- I just do not believe in it. ........ We are growing apart simply due to living apart. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Daisy, maybe you didn't have another person involved, but your husband has no particular reason to believe that. You most certainly did deprive your husband of his marital right to share a pillow with his wife, and you did <B>cheat</B> him out of that. You hit it right on the head, when people live apart, they grow apart. People who live together will grow together. And if you don't grow together, you will most certainly grow apart.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Daisy58:<BR><B>As I said before, I was fair when I left - I took the washer, left the new dryer, etc... but he only saw it his way. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Daisy, that quote is a good example of how self centeredness got a bad name. It is nice to know that you have decided what was <B>fair</B> all by yourself. Listen to your own logic: ie. Daisy thought it was fair, ergo he will percieve it as fair too. He perceives this differently from Daisy, ergo there is something wrong with him. Life just doesn't work that way sports fans. I'm hoping you will read up on Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement posted in one of the columns available from the marriage builders home page.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Daisy58:<BR><B>We HAVE been doing the "seeing each other and having good times together" for 7 months - isn't it time to try now?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Now there is the best thing you said. It fits right in with Dr. Harley's concept of Plan A. There is your strongest point. Keep doing those things that make both of you feel good. No one here is going to give you a stop watch that says exactly when it is time to move back in together. But you can start doing it a little at a time. And when you are together, there is nothing wrong with falling asleep in each other's arms. If it has to end, let him be the one to leave.<P>From your post, both you and your husband have your little problems, but I don't hear anything yet that can't be worked out in time. The fact that you are on this site trying to get ideas speaks volumes all by itself. <P>Soo, here's a big hug for a really great gal,<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Daisy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Now lets start digging into those Marriage Builders basics and following up on them. Things are a little slow on this board on the weekends, but you just might get a lot more input in the next few days. Keep coming back.<P>Bumper<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bumperii (edited April 02, 2001).]

Over 20 years ago I came home one day and found out that my H (then my boyfriend) had moved out without warning. I can not describe in words how that felt. Even though he decided to come back the same day (and I guess I should be grateful he didn't take anything that wasn't just his), it took many years for me to get over the fear. I'm not sure I ever totally got over it - and with good reason. <P>Then, two years ago, he basically did it again, only this time we had six children. After spending the previous day house shopping, he announced out of the blue that he wanted a divorce. I asked him to promise not to leave without telling me in advance, and he promised. However, the next day he called up from work as I was making dinner and said he wasn't coming home. Of course there was an OW, as I suspect there was the first time too. <P>My experience has certainly been if someone does that to you once, they will do it again. You just never know when. You can never feel safe again. Ever. <BR>

While I will not argue that you were right to have moved out, I will say that a spouse who will not speak at all to you for a month straight is probably someone who has some issues of their own. That is a typical passive way of exerting control...<P>Since you are already out, maybe you should not rush things...Are you sure you want to move back yet? What does your counselor think? <P>Kathi