Please help me. I wrote asking for advice a long time ago, but haven't been back to the site since. I desperately need advice. I don't have much time to go into detail because my husband is on his way home. Something has happened today that has really made me lose hope for my marriage. My young husband has had a long history of divorce in his life and he is doing things to protect himself now, "just in case". I feel that this is inevitably going to lead to the end of our marriage. You know, the "if you believe it enough, it will happen" theory. He purposely disregards my feelings, our marriage and I believe even his feelings for me. Right now I am very hurt, very upset, and getting angrier every minute. I don't want to fight anymore. No one ever wins and it is destroying what little we do have. But, I can't let him keep hurting me. How do I handle this without it getting blown out of preportion? I love him so much. I want him to trust me. I want to be able to tell him what I am feeling with out be scared. He doesn't get violent, but he gets defensive and sarcastic, especially when he has been drinking. He has been drinking today. Please help me.

Dear SamL,<br>Please try to post again when you have some privacy.<br>Sounds like you husband mistrusts you. Does he have unfounded suspicions that you are interested in someone else, or that you may leave him for some other reason?<br>Obviously he has some heavy emotional baggage he's lugging around, and needs help...not only yours, but that of a professional as well.<br>I will look for another post from you. <br>Hang in there...there are lots of people here who will help you!

I'm sorry I didn't see your post last night. I hope everything went better for you than you expected.<p>When I read your post, I did not get the same impressions that Jayne did (no offense, Jayne). I got the impressions that you are caught up in a trying to make him understand and trying to understand him mode! <p>I definitely am no expert at diffusing angry people - but one book that is helping me really see what is happening and gives some practical advice about handling anger (actual responses to say or things to do), is by Patricia Evans. It is called "The Verbally Abuse Relationship."<p>I would recommend that you get it ASAP and read it. Then, when you know you are going to encounter certain behaviors, you can refer to it beforehand and be ready with some responses. Maybe it will help

Hey hunny. I would look into Alanon. If you're saying things like I can't share my feelings with him, especially when he is drinking; that tells me that his drinking is affecting your life & may be an issue that he has that you can also get help with. You can email me at sjessm@aol.com, if you would like. Alanon will help you be a strong individual regardless of external circumstances. <br>

Thank you everyone for responding. When he came home, I didn't end up saying anything at all. I just sat there. I don't know if that was the right way to handle it or not. It didn't feel good. <p>I have a little more time to go into detail now, if you would oblige me. We are both in our mid 20's and been married for 2 years this coming June. I grew up in strong, family oriented family, he grew up surrounded by divorce and alcoholism (how did you know?) so we look at things from 2 different universes without the male/female thing. We went to counseling last summer, but it didn't seem to do anything for us. And one night during a fight, I walked out. I came back the same night, but leaving was a huge mistake and things will never be the same because of the 1 hour I was gone. He doesn't trust me. He opened his own checking account and cleaned ours out "so that I wouldn't leave him with nothing" like his dad did to his mom. I thought it was to punish me. That has since been resolved but he won't close it even though it isn't being used. In my mind it is so he can walk away at anytime. His drinking buddies are probably the most important thing to him. He cancels plans with me when he is with them (like Sat. night), he can't tell them no, he forgets about me, we never do anything without them. I have tried to bring up the issue of his drinking before. It seems that the only time we do fight is when he is drinking. Bringing that up was a huge mistake. It just eroded his confidence even more.<p>Don't get me wrong. He is a good guy, and things have actually been really good for the last 4 months or so. We have even been talking about having a baby. But when I look at it honestly, things have been good because I have kept my mouth shut. I pick and choose my battles. He is so scared, self-protective and defensive, that he is expecting it to end. Sometimes, I tell myself that I am just going to sit back and wait for him to tell me when it is over. But even that gets as exhausting as fighting. I love him so much and I don't believe in divorce. He on the other hand has seen nothing but divorce. He thinks that if it doesn't come easy, it is over. If you fight or argue, it is over. And now I think that he is afraid that I will leave him, so he is pushing me away. That about having a baby is a joke. In the last 8 monthes, we have probably had sex 5 times. He isn't cheating on me. I know that for a fact and he says that he is still attracted to me and loves me, he is just tired. I love him, but I am hurting really bad. He knows that, but he sees it as anger, not as my need for him. I need him emotionally and physically. I don't know how to tell him that. I don't know what or how to say anything to him without it coming out wrong and turning into a huge ridiculous fight. I know I have thrown alot out there and most of you have lost interest by now. But I am young and I am new to this marriage thing. I am scared that I am going to lose that man that I have loved for the past 7 years and I am scared that I am losing myself. Can anyone help me?

I, too, am married (soon to be divorced) to an alcholic. I found that this website is helpful: www.alcoholismhelp.com. It has a forum similar to this one (in fact, it looks exactly the same!), which has been just what I needed. Good luck.

I don't think that he is an alcoholic. He is just 24 years old, and all of his friends are single. He is still young and having fun. Lots of times when he is drinknig I am with him and I don't consider myself an alcoholic. I don't mean to make excuses for him. I'm just not sure that his drinking is the problem.

Saml,<p>Go to that website and read and learn before you try to convince yourself that he doesn't have a problem. 24 is not too young... better for both of you to deal with it now than when he's 40 and you've become bitter waiting for him to grow up. If you continue to tolerate his behavior toward you, he won't have any reason to treat you any better.

As a young recovering alcoholic myself, (i'm 26), I can tell you that 24 is not too young. I started drinking alcoholically (sp?) when I was about 15. Now, I didn't drink daily, I was a binge drinker. However, what's more important than how often you drink is why you drink and what effects it has on your life. I drank to have fun and party, sure, but mostly to not deal with feelings, whether they were feelings of discomfort, sadness, anger, whatever. While I never suffered losses as a direct result of my drinking (i.e. getting fired for showing up drunk, D.U.I'S, accidents, etc.) I did suffer losses and cause problems as an indirect result of my drinking. It probably would have only been a matter of time before I suffered the direct losses as well. I finally got into AA at 21, and so far, have been sober since. And it's much better. So, please check out the websites that were mentioned, and also an Al-Anon meeting or two. Education can never be harmful...

Also, one more thing. I have a history of alcoholism on BOTH sides of my family. Nearly all my uncles, and my Grandmother and Grandfather on my Mother's side, as well as Uncles and Brother's on my Dad's side. There does seem to be a genetic influence to the disease of alcoholism- DON'T UNDERESTIMATE IT!! Also, some of it is probably learned, from being around it so much. How can you learn to drink "socially" when all you see is people staying hammered? So, take heed to that. And it's also no surprise that if this is the case with your husband, that you ended up with him. You both picked what was most comfortable and familiar. In essence, it feels like "home" to you, and probably to him, too.

I didn't grow up with alcohol anywhere around me. My family would maybe have a glass of wine before dinner at Christmas, but I never saw it other then at that time. I did party in college, but alcohol has never been "a normality" for me. I'm not comfortable with it. I had never been around an alcoholic before I met Darin's family. That is why I am so uncomfortable saying that he is an alcoholic and placing the blame for our problems on his drinking. I have no idea, I have no source of reference. I don't want to alienate him with due cause.<p>I went to the alcoholism website and most of what I was told, I didn't want to hear. But other than saying to go to an alanon meeting, no one told me how to handle our issues. How do I tell him when I am upset with his actions without him taking it as a personal shot and getting defensive? I sat down and wrote him a letter yesterday about my feelings of inadequacy due to our lack of physical contact and affection. I wasn't accusing at all, in fact, I have blamed myself for it for a long time. I haven't given it to him yet. I don't want to pressure him, I don't want him to feel rotten, and I don't want to appear needy. I also don't want it to turn into a big fight. How do I handle issues like this? We want to have a baby soon. How do I get to the point where I can have a conversation with him and say what I mean without it coming out accusingly. How do I tell him that I don't like him going out without it sounding like I am trying to control him? How do I get him to help me around the house without sounding naggy? I just want to get to a point where I can convide in him and where (even though I can take care of myself) I feel like he wants to care and protect me? I want what my parents HAVE not what his parents HAD.

I didn't grow up with alcohol anywhere around me. My family would maybe have a glass of wine before dinner at Christmas, but I never saw it other then at that time. I did party in college, but alcohol has never been "a normality" for me. I'm not comfortable with it. I had never been around an alcoholic before I met Darin's family. That is why I am so uncomfortable saying that he is an alcoholic and placing the blame for our problems on his drinking. I have no idea, I have no source of reference. I don't want to alienate him without due cause.<p>I went to the alcoholism website and most of what I was told, I didn't want to hear. But other than saying to go to an alanon meeting, no one told me how to handle our issues. How do I tell him when I am upset with his actions without him taking it as a personal shot and getting defensive? I sat down and wrote him a letter yesterday about my feelings of inadequacy due to our lack of physical contact and affection. I wasn't accusing at all, in fact, I have blamed myself for it for a long time. I haven't given it to him yet. I don't want to put pressure him, I don't want him to feel rotten, and I don't want to appear needy. I also don't want it to turn into a big fight. How do I handle issues like this? We want to have a baby soon. How do I get to the point where I can have a conversation with him and say what I mean without it coming out accusingly. How do I tell him that I don't like him going out without it sounding like I am trying to control him? How do I get him to help me around the house without sounding naggy? I just want to get to a point where I can convide in him and where (even though I can take care of myself) I feel like he wants to care and protect me? I want what my parents HAVE not what his parents HAD.