Sigh...<P>Oh the STBX WS wife is a mess. She just can't stand it that I'm so nice to her. She just can't stand it that I don't try to get her back. (I was willing to do anything to save our marriage until she filed for divorce.) She just can't stand it that I have better things to do than listen to her razz me on the phone or anywhere else. <P>She looks for any reason to blame me, but I've got this game figured out now. If she's trying to blame me then I know she is feeling guilty. But oh, she just had to show me her name tag with her maiden name when she came to pick up our daughter. "The way it should be", she said. I asked her about the ring on her finger (which I haven't said anything about before), it is a promise ring, no less. I acted with indifference as I now do. I've got nicer things in life to be concerned with. Oh, the guilt put her into psychob**** mode. She tried to lecture me about "you reap what you sow". I told her to remember that phrase. She said that she was going to make my life a living hell since I'm getting primary custody of our daughter. I bit my tongue. I was about to respond that the reason I was getting primary custody of our daughter was so that she couldn't make my life a living hell. (This would have a negative impact on our daughter which I'm trying to avoid. My mom did the same thing to my dad so I know the raw deal that the kids get.) I just want to be able to keep things fair. She's the one that can't wait for the divorce (as if it will make what she's doing now okay). I know I can't wait. Enormous guilt, but she just knows she's doing the right thing. She brings up ancient history that I don't think happened. She's good at rationalizing 10 years away as a mistake.<P>I called her back after she pick up our daughter and sped off because I needed to know if she was going to pick up our daughter tommorrow. She wouldn't answer me. (She works odd hours and would have to take off early and she complains about losing hours. I had already set up a friend to pick up our daughter as I will be out of town on business.) She wouldn't give me an answer and only wanted to talk about why she is right. She actually said she didn't love me this time (I did notice a hesitation in her voice). I continued to get back to the subject of our daughter, but she wouldn't answer me. She hung up. She called back 3 times, one time crying, mostly to apologize and to say that what I set up was okay. (I had my brother on the line long distance and I kept politely trying to end the conversation). Also, somebody's been calling here and hanging up a lot. (her?) One guy called while we were talking (another guy, first one, not the OM). I told him that she didn't live at this number anymore. <P>These people must be the most miserable creatures on the planet, but you know, they did it to themselves. I wasn't the perfect husband, but you know, no one is. What these people do, they do so on their own. If I was such a horrible person, she should have just divorced me straight up.<P>Kevin<BR>Not a bad guy. Ever forward.<p>[This message has been edited by father of 1, husband of 0 (edited April 03, 2001).]

I know I just posted this, but I can't believe what just happened.<P>My STBX WS wife called to start blaming me again and said that she might move 100 miles away. I told her that that would be hard on our daughter. She tried to tell me that the ring was for her birthday. It was her birthstone (I notice things), but she did say it was a promise ring. No denying that. Once she got started blaming, I quickly told her that I had more positive things to be doing and ended the call.<P>She started calling my cell phone and my home phone repeatedly. Once she figured out that I wasn't going to pick up, she left this message.<P>-she says who she is-<BR>"I told (daughter) to tell you that I cannot stand you and that you are very very mean and that she's going to realize that."<BR>-she says goodbye-<P>So... She demonstrates that she has to somehow justify herself because she is feeling guilty. She demonstrates that she will use our daughter. Psycholand.<P>I didn't call back to respond even though she said what she did to our daughter. It was after ten anyway, she should have been in bed. It may have been a lie, figuring I would pick up the phone. My daughter knows better anyway. Kids are smart. I wasn't going to be baited in. I'll probably get calls about 3:00 a.m. She's done that before. Ring ring ring.<P>As an added bonus, I have her recorded. Any questions on who should be the primary custodian? I haven't tried to do her in by gathering evidence as she thinks in her paranoid mind, but I think I'll keep this recording.<P>Getting numb to this now.<P>Kevin<P><BR>

Kevin,<P>Wow way to go!!! They hate it when we don't give them the responses they so desire. My Aunt gave me the advice to treat STBXH with great indifference when dealing with him. So far it has worked great, not only does it make me feel way more in control of myself my STBX hates that I won't take the bait and give him more justification for leaving me for the OW.<P>You sound as if you are in a great place personally right now. Hope I find myself there soon.

There is a book called the "Dance of Anger" it talks about this..changing the dance steps to arguing..when they expect<BR>the same response that you've always given..and then you don't respond that way..then they do whatever they can to get a response..(ie..they say something they know is going to get under your skin..then you walk away..or just stick to the topic at hand..like you did about your daughter) they don't know how to respond in any other manner than what they<BR>have learned over the years..and as you continue to do this<BR>they will have to learn to communicate with you on a new level..or not at all..<P>I changed the dance steps as well..(even as a WS) I quit taking the verbal abuse, and the condemnation of my past that he always gave..and quit waiting on him to be here to<BR>do things with me and the kids..and started living my life (went back to college)and allowing the kids to do things that they wanted to do..(ie..play sports, take dance) he got upset..because I wasn't home 24/7 anymore..and he didn't always know where I was..it drove him nuts..so he says because I've done this I want to be single..(he's been the one gone for years and years (8 out of 9 years of marriage to be exact) because of his job) I just got tired of the one day...as I waited for that one day..life passed me by..and I missed out on way to much..and so did my kids..I could have had my degree already..and my kids could have had years of dance and sports under their belts as opposed to having done nothing..waiting on dad to be here to do things with...(I learned this from my daughter..who was baptised..and had rescheduled it twice waiting for her dad to be here..she finally said..if I wait on dad to be here I'll never get baptised)...WOAH...out of the mouths of babes...<P>So continue to change the dance steps..hang up on her if she calls yelling..or blaming..tell her you have other things<BR>to do with your time..and you won't take the blame for her actions..or her choices..those are things she has to deal with..my stbxh still does that..he gets upset at me because he's missing out on things w/ the kids..but thats his choice..he made that years ago..and I got tired of asking him to look for another job that would bring him home..and him saying he would..and never doing it..

Kevin,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"I told (daughter) to tell you that I cannot stand you and that you are very very mean and that she's going to realize that."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just an FYI.<BR>Make sure that you <B>NEVER</B> do this. Don’t use the kids to pass messages, even if it’s, “tell mom I’ll pick you up at 7 PM” or stuff like that.<P>Also, do not cut down mom to the kids or in front of the kids. Let ‘em see you know how to be an adult about this.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I know that my x is so much the same way. <P>I was talking to him the other day and reminded him that a conference was scheduled with son's teachers for a certain day and time. And he went off because he hadn't been notified by the school. I replied with reminding him that I had told him a couple of weeks earlier about this. And he continued to go off. I told him that, if he had a problem with this, he needed to talk to the school because I had done my part and he shouldn't be mad at me.<P>Then he proceeded to tear into me because he hasn't been getting report cards from daughter's school. I told him I remembered the conversation ending with the agreement that they would make copies of and hold them in the office for him to pick up. Daughter is in 4th grade and can easily tell him she has gotten it. All he has to do is get off his fat behind and go pick the thing up. And he's blasting away. And I tell him this is a problem between him and the school. I'm not a player in this drama.<P>My mother and I feel he's one big walking pile of guilt. Well, if that's how he wants to be, he can just be that way. But he simply can't deal with my not reacting the way he expects. <P>It's enough to make you wish someone would take a contract out on the buzzard.