I'm looking for some insight. I am engaged to a man who has been married before and has three small children. His ex and children live in the same small town as we do. I have read alot about marriage lately and the divorce statistics are astounding. What is really scarey is that second marriages have a higher divorce rate that first marriages. I don't have an ex to deal with but I assume that some of the problems in second marriages come from having to deal with the ex. I am looking for situations that you may have had to deal with so that I can be better prepared to be the second wife.

Been divorced and having 2 small children - my ex and I have had our "share" of problems as well as me and his wives (2 since we split). Firstly, let me say this, any marriage can work if the commitment is strong enough between the two of you. You will have problems, but if you are willing to work through them, and go through the struggles that his children will have as they grow up and support him/them - things will work. I will admit its tough. Tough from both sides of the fence. In my view the problems I had with his wives was when one of them told him what to pay me, when to pay me, what to do or not do for the kids. I always felt like it was between "him and me" when the kids were concerned. My ex now has problems (head) with not living with his kids and seeing them daily - be willing to understand his feelings. Be willing to work with his ex also - it is required to make your marriage better when kids are involved. My husband (of 7 yrs) does not get involved "at all" at problems me and my ex have with the kids. He let's us handle our problems - and if its a problem with my kids that my husband and I can handle without the ex, we do. My ex and I are friends. I encourage you to let your spouse remain friends with his ex - your life will be easier. <br>Before I married the man I am married to now (who had no children/never married) - I dated a man with 3 children who was divorced. After a year, we split up. It was due to problems we could not get over with kids. Money was an issue - he felt obligated over and above child support to buy them cars, to buy them clothes, etc., and that left us with no money. I had kids of my own to raise. He didn't have a place of his own - I did. He couldn't pay for a date (seriously) not even a date because all his money went to his kids. There is nothing wrong with that - and I think he is a great dad for giving all he has to his kids - but for me, that wasn't going to work. I couldn't continue to pay for myself, my two kids and everything "we" wanted to do. I would be adding expenses for him and taking away from my kids needs to afford him and his kids. I began to get resentful that he wanted me to pay for our dates so he could (after paying support) - takes his kids shopping, or give them money their mom wouldn't etc. He also didn't want me to spend any time alone with my kids (which I needed) without him. We had lived alone and were used to being alone and we shared special times together this way. His ex wife hated me for even going out on dates with him and called my house, etc., and would say things to my kids. He said he would never go back to her, but this continued. I finally got tired of all the problems with him due to his ex and kids and let the relationship go. <br>These are some of the negatives I faced - but I know for a fact (because of my marriage) that second marriages can work too if you are very open to letting them and making them work. Good luck.

Cindy,<br>Thanks for the insight. I already figured that the money would be an issue. I agree that it is nice to buy things for the children but there comes a point when it can get excessive, especially when the father is already paying child support. I was just wondering what else may eventually drain my relationship. Doesn't the fact that your spouse and his ex have a friendship cause conflict? I would think that over time this could cause some conflict as well. What do you think? Anybody!!!!!

You asked if the fact that my spouse and his ex have a friendship cause conflict? He doesn't have an ex! I am the one with the ex. Actually, no our friendship hasn't caused a strain on my husband at all. In fact, over time, it has gotten better if anything. The only conflict that the relationship (friendship) causes is with me - it tends to bring up old memories constantly - but the need for the kids to feel close to me and him allows me to keep on going the way I have.<br>It really can be tense and can cause conflict on a relationship though - be prepared. You must realize that "if" he remains close to his kids, you will probably be seeing her a lot, conversing with her a lot and put in a lot of situaitons where the two of them will both have to be places with the kids. When my ex got remarried the first time, I was very envious of his wife - I didn't want her around my kids, I didn't want her involved at all (a lot of immaturity on my part) - but it took a lot of getting used to, to see another woman around my kids! Is his ex remarried? If not, how long have they been divorced? I think I could give more insight with answers to these questions. For instance, if she is remarried - you probably won't see as many problems versus if she is single and tending to depend on him still (your fiance). Is she truly over the divorce and him? Has it been a few years? Does your fiance see the kids on a regular basis?

Sorry about the confusion. I remember you said that your husband had never been married. My fiance and his ex have been divorced for a little over a year. She is not remarried. He does see his children on a regular basis. His ex is a very independant person and does not seem to lean on him. Do you happen to know what played a role in your ex being married and divorced a couple of times after you? Did it have anything to do with the fact that he had another family? Sorry to take up your time. This really is helping. I have a strong desire not to become a statistic. That is why I looked up this website.

With my ex (regarding his two divorces) - his first wife (after me) was very jealous over the time he spent with his kids. She always wanted his time with them to be the 4 of them and sometimes he couldn't do that or he wanted to spend some quality time with them alone (since they didn't live with him). That was one issue. The other was she couldn't stand that he and I were friends and if the kids had any activities, sports, etc., that we were both at - it bugged her to no end that we spoke and were social to one another. (even though my recent husband was there - it still bothered her). She told him not to talk to me. Not to be around me, etc. He couldn't handle it and she couldn't handle it. One thing lead to another, fighting, moving out, and then divorce. The second time around I think it was basically for a different reason: she had children from a previous marriage - but he could not accept her children very well. He still did more with mine (coached their ball teams, etc) and he spent a lot of evenings away with mine while hers were at home (they didn't like sports) and this lead to problems. Again, one thing lead to another and they ended up parting. (this info comes from me, his mom, and his sister). I'm sure they're must be more to it - but I can say that his remarriage #1 was entirely too soon. He wasn't healed from our divorce - he hadn't recognized the problems that lead to it to avoid it happening again - etc. Truthfully, from what he has told people; he thinks that because he has kids and wants to remain close to them and give them lots of his time and attention - he's better off single. I don't know that I entirely believe that and I wish he would find someone to complete his life and let the kids be equally a part of it. But, thats his thing to find out. <br>You can only become a statistic though if you let it happen. I would talk to your fiance about what the possible problems might be when you join families and ex families and make sure he is ready for the steps it takes.<br>The next problem for me arose when we (my recent husband) and I had our child together. It has got much better but was antoher big issue - our child versus mine. What a difference! Just be open and talk. I truly think that him only being divorced a year is much too soon for him to be over the whole thing and it may creep up on him later (kids, home, etc). But I could be wrong. Does he ever bring the issue up and how do you handle visitation now? Does it include both of you? Or him alone?

As the "New Wife", I have something to say concerning dealings with the "Ex". My husband was married once before, and had a child from this marriage. Basically, she had the child and two weeks later kicked him out, so when I met my husband, his little boy was 7 months old. We started dating, and I noticed that his ex was being ridiculous regarding visitation. Basically, she hardly ever "allowed" it. Unfortunately, he didn't have anything concrete in writing concerning visitation. (BIG mistake.) For a long time, I pretty much stayed out of it. But after a while, I started getting really sick of her not letting him see his only child. For over a year, he could only see him for 4 hours at a shot, and even that was rare, because she always used the excuse that he was too sick for us to have him. Once, we went 3 months that she wouldn't let him see him at all! This all got worse the closer our wedding day came. Obviously, it was about jealousy...she wanted control, and to hurt him whatever way she could. That, and the fact that she didn't want the little boy when she got pregnant, and is partially holding my hubby responsible for her having to have him when she wasn't ready. I'm sure she loves him now, but I'm sure there's some resentment brewing still. Anyhoo, basically, I got real tired of it. My husband would just take her ****, get depressed over it, etc..afraid of making things even worse. I finally said "NO MORE. We are taking her to court for visitation, getting it in writing, I'm tired of her using your son as a pawn-it's hurting him and it's hurting you!!" She said the same thing, that it should be just between him and her. I don't feel that way. When I entered this relationship, I knew there was a child involved, and that immediately became part of my concern as well. I'm not his mother, but I AM his stepmother, and I love and care about that child and what happens to him. I know from personal experience what it's like to not have a Daddy around, and what it feels like wondering if he really cares. I will NOT let that happen to Michael, as long as I have anything to do with it. I feel she should consider herself lucky that her ex-husband WANTS to be there for his child and be with his child as much as he can! There are SOOOOO many men out there who DON'T CARE. Also, there are SOOO many "new girlfriends" and "New wives" who are jealous of the kids from the first marriage, or make the men choose between his kids and her. Those type of people aren't worth the paper they ought to be SMUDGED on. I LOVE being with Michael, and he loves being with us! In a way, I feel almost like the doting aunt or grandmother, the way I praise how practically perfect this child is!! My family totally accepts this child and treats him like he's family (which he is), and he has my older brother completely wrapped around his finger-he's already spoiling him rotten! (Can you imagine what it'll be like when it's my children?? LOL!!!) Anyway, I don't feel that it's just between him and his ex, when we all should want what's in Michael's best interest. I wish he and his ex would get along better, it's much more healthy for Michael, as well as us! The only problem I ever had with her is when it comes to that child. Period. Other than that, we're fine! I feel no jealousy or resentment over child support or any of that. Since we've got it settled in court, things are 100% better, and we're all much less stressed out. But I can only imagine what it feels like for my husband when it's time to take him home. It gets to ME, and he's not even my child! The first time we had him overnight since we won the visitation, I nearly cried when we had to take him back. So, I can just multiply that by 300 to get even remotely close to what my husband must feel. Sorry for the ramble, but when you get me talking about my little stepson, I can go for HOURS. Also, since he's known me from the time he was 7 months, he loves me like family too. It's always been his mommy, daddy, and me for him. And he's so smart!! Sorry...there I go again...okay, I promise to quit now...

One more thing...I want to let it be known that I do not have a problem if my husband wants to spend time alone with his son. I think it's great! I think some time should be spent with the 3 of us, and some time just the two of them. Especially as he gets older, like going fishing or to baseball games or whatever. But, I do like to spend time with Michael too. I don't want to dominate their time together, though. I try to be real cognizant of that, especially because Michael just about always wants me THERE, RIGHT NOW!! LOL!! If I leave his sight, he's asking "Where's Ruth?" But, he does the same thing if Daddy isn't in sight, either. He asks "Where's Daddy?" Once, we made a game out of it. We were at the mall, the 3 of us, shopping, and at 3 yrs old the clothing racks obscure his vision. So, he was walking around with Daddy tagging along slightly behind me, and he'd lose sight of me, and go "WHere's Ruth?" and I'd go "Right here", and he'd go "Where?" and we did that back and forth for half an hour!! LOL!!! I do have to take a moment and praise you single mothers out there. How do you shop alone with your children at toddler age??? I could barely concentrate on what I was doing, because I was so worried about Michael maybe getting away from us, or somebody grabbing him or something...i literally had one eye on him, and one eye on what I was doing!! And that's WITH his Dad there!! SO, I can't IMAGINE doing that very thing, just you and the child!! I knew that Daddy was there and he was okay, but I'm a bit protective,and I can't help myself. It's instinct with me, and it's deeply imbedded. I just want to praise you women out there!