Hi all,<P>Well after a couple of months of just cruising along, I thought I'd jump back in. STBX is completely immeshed with the OM. In fact, when my son told her that he didn't like all the time she spent with him, her response was "tough". So I guess that fog bank is as thick as ever.<P>Anyhow, this brought about my sons request to me that I not date anyone until his mother divorces me, and of course I told him I'd honor his wishes. (I hadn't planned on dating anytime soon anyway)<P>I never bring up the subject of the OM with my son, but it seems to be troubling him a bit. I'm really not interested in broaching the subject with my STBX, because she dismisses the issue with a "we're just good friends". So I just tell my son to avoid the OM whenever possible and when they're with him to just find something else to occupy himself. I did tell him that anytime he didn't want to go to the OM's house, to ask his mother to drop him off at my house.<P>My son has also mentioned that if/when they move in together or marry, he wants to stay with me on a more permanent basis. He's turning 10, so he's approaching the age where the court would consider his wishes on the matter.<P>The problem I see is that his mother is alienating him by her behavior with this guy. I realize that a large percentage of affairs don't survive, but that is not going to alleviate the damage it causing to the relationship between them.<P>I guess this ramble is more a request for ideas on how I can handle this situation to protect myself emotionally and be able to give my son advice on how to deal with a situation he is obviously uncomfortable with.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited April 06, 2001).]

Man what a tough situation. I think I'd go crazy in that scenario... I went mad when my husband was simply in a borderline emotional affair with another woman. Oh, that people can be so self-centered... doesn't your wife realize that your son didn't ASK to come into this world and that once he comes, WE (as parents) have a responsibility to set aside out own needs (think not more highly of yourself than you ought) for the sake of our children? They are a blessing and to ruin their lives with selfishness is beyond me!<P>Anyway, do you have a faith that you believe in? Just keep clinging to that. Also, may I recommend a book by Henri Nouwen <I>The Inner Voice of Love</I> as it really hits the core of being in a depressing situation. It's his personal journey through the depths of his lowest despair. I read it more as a devotional - only 1-2 pages per day or 2-3 chapters per week (only about 1-2 pages per chapter). I found it had a soothing or balm effect just where I was hurting on the inside.<P>Here's to you as a DAD who is responsible and GIVING to your son. You will be honored for that one day...<P>Blessings to you. And now to your wife, I pray for clarity of thought, dissatisfaction with her new "life" and a wake-up call to the privilige that is the both of yours... YOUR SON! See her not as you see her with the pain - but turn to your faith and see her through the eyes of God (or whomever) and love her and show her care and tenderness inspite of her decisions. Maybe this is impossible as I don't know your whole story. But be encouraged at least for today! <P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Nick,<P>Long time no see.<P>Your post interested me but from a different angle. Since you may have missed my recent postings, I am dating someone that I've been with for 7 months now. I know, this is not a huge amount of time, compared to having an ex of 11 years, but hey we all start somewhere I guess. It has actually gone by so fast when I think about it.<P>My bf was married and his W cheated with an OM. Same story as all of us, that caused the break up. I met him after this fact, not while it was going on. I don't know a lot of details, but I do know that bf's ex feels no one should be exposed to the kids unless your talking marraige. I had met the boys and they were still a little shaken by the loss of their family so I guess I'm being seperated from them for the time being even though me and bf are still together. <P>I respect bf's wishes as to not harm his kids. But how far is too far to go at the request of our kids? Divorce is an unfortunate amount of pain on the kids. I am sure I'll get flamed for this, but your wife saying "tough" I think is a bit harsh , but do you think its also extreme that your son request you not see anyone?<P>I'm just trying to understand this from another point of view. I understand the need for my bf to put his kids first. I just don't see what good it does the children to "tell" their parents not to date. I'm going to be honest, if my kids told me that, I'd not bring that person around them AT ALL, but I wouldn't stop my life for them either. I think I can balance both if thats what makes me happy.<P>Were you seeing anyone when you made this decision? If so, how did she feel about it?<P>Glad to see you posting again, hugs, Dana<P>

I guess originally I wasn't going to post to this... I guess I didn't feel I had anything of great wisdom to impart on here. But then something stirred inside of me that made me want to post.<P>Dana, I think that you missed the part that his son only asked him to refrain from dating someone until the divorce is final (unless I am reading it all wrong). IMO - that is a perfectly legitimate request for a child to make from a parent. His son is not asking him to remain faithful to his stbx for the rest of his life, only until the marriage is legally over. He is already going through a lot trying to realize that she left her family situation for this OM. He is still trying to figure out what all is happening to his family, and as we all know, this is all very hard on a child, as well as on us. <P>From keeping up on your situation from your previous postings, both of you are divorced, and now that you are dating, you are being kept seperate from the children. I think that your BF's ex to state that you should be kept seperate unless you are talking marriage IS unreasonable. To form any kind of a lasting relationship with the BF, you also need to have a relationship with the children. They need to know that you are not there to replace their mother in any way, just to add to their lives and the life of their father. <P>Nick- I am afraid I don't have too many words of wisdom for you on this. The important thing, as you already know, is to just be there for your son. Let him know that you are available to him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, should he ever need to talk to you. Don't force the issue, but in a kind way, let him know that you are aware of what he is going through, and that it is okay to feel the way that he does. Let him know that he is not alone in feeling this way, and that given time, things will get better for him. Just like you, he is new to all of this. But I know that with you by his side, the two of you will get though it just fine. Just be there for him and let him know that you love him.<P>~Java<P>

Java... glad you raised that point about dating. I was at a DivorceCare group meeting this week and the leader of that group echos the concern about dating at all while the children are around. He suggested (based on research and years of clinical experience) that for the one case that a blended family works out, there are 500 that don't and become hell on earth.<P>Now, that really frustrated me! So, they say if you're to date, keep your kids out of it. I don't know... can't even think about it really. But the REALLY frustrating thing is that this separation/divorce wasn't my idea in the first place! Now, to have to wait a decade and a half until my youngest is out of the home to get into a serious relationship!!! <P>Well, you get my point... But you can see from Nick's situation - his 10 year old is turned upside down by his own mother's actions. So, am I (are you) willing to take the chance to beat the odds of having a blended family work? The Brady Bunch was Hollywood's idea... not reality I'm afraid. Thoughts?<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Java, <P>Yes, I did miss a part of that about "until the divorce". I still wonder if Nick was seeing someone when that decision was made or not.<P>I agree, I have to figure my own situation out, because sometimes I feel like I'm just not sure where I'm headed. We used to have a clear path figured out. I think when we have kids, our ex's will always hold this strange power over those of us who have been betrayed. We didn't take months to make this decision, or have an affair, and have that safety of someone else to turn to in the beginning.<P>I know my situation would be easier had we sat down and talked about why he was unhappy, and why he was leaving, and if he left to be on his own I could respect that. Never mind the fact that the marriage vows went out the window, but I still think we are owed at least that.<P>I do agree, this is very hard on the children. I'm sure its also very hard to make it work. Those stats seem a little high to me. And very frightening too.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Actually, I haven't even so much as gone on a date since my STBx split. I think my son brought it up because he doesn't think that it's right for his mom to be dating someone while she's still technically married to me. <P>I think he's realized that her boyfriend played a significant role in the destruction of his family & doesn't care much for him for that reason. For me the reason not to date (aside from the part about still being married) is primarily because I need to learn more about who I am and what I want out of life. The fact that I can set a good example for my son in the process isn't such a bad thing either.<P>If I were to ever enter into another relationship, this time around there would be some serious discussions about priorities, goals, etc. I know how difficult it would be to manage a blended family, but I'm sure if two people want badly enough for something to work, they can make it.<P>For right now, though, I'm just surviving & learning how to live on my own again. I've taken inventory here recently & figured out that I have an awful lot to offer somebody. I just need to finish healing myself before putting me on the market <P>Anyhow, I'm basically dealing with this by letting my son know that although this is his mothers choice, he is still her son and she deserves to be treated with respect in spite of all of this. I've also told him that he deserves to have his personl space and he is well within is rights to tell his mother when he wants the boyfriend to leave him alone. As long as the boy scout respects my sons boundaries, I'll keep my distance & leave this alone. If my STBx is stupid enough to marry this loser, she'll in all likelihood lose her son, and that would be an awfully high price to pay for a transitory fantasy.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited April 07, 2001).]

Nick- I think what you are doing is the right thing. Your son is smart, he knows what happened, in some way, despite if he will admit it or not, he knows. Letting him know that he is allowed personal space, that if he doesn't want to go to the OM's house he doesn't have to, and giving him the ability for him to make his own decisions is great. It is also great that you have told him regardless of your stbx's actions, that she still is his mother and deserves respect. We obviously can not control our stbx behavior (if we could a lot of these things would not be happening to us right now) but we also do not have to condone it. But regardless of our personal feelings towards the STBX, the OM/OW, and things like that... our children are still the most innocent of victims here. Regardless of what paths we choose to persue in life, if we do decide to date, if we do decide to live with or marry another, or if we decide to remain single for the rest of our lives, our children must know that they are loved and that you as a parent, do everything within your power to have and maintain the best one on one relationship with your child. They didn't ask to be brought into this world. They were brought here because we wanted them to be here. We owe them a great debt of responsibility and we as a parent, must do everything that is in their best intrest.<P>As for the dating thing.... personally (this is strictly my personal opinion here) once all of this is over, and I am the person that I want to be, I honestly do hope to find someone that I can spend my life with. DON'T jump to conclusions, I am not dating anyone now, nor have I since this thing started, and even my friends seem to have to force me to get out of the house at times, but someday, yes, I think that it would be nice to have someone to share my life with. Someone with the same ideals and intrests, someone to have fun with and someone to love and feel love from. I am not stating that I am going to ever find that person, but I am also not going to deny that I hope to. Yes, I think it would be nice. And nothing personal, if that someone comes before my son is of age (in 12 more years) than so be it. But from day one, the guy will have to know that I am a mother, he will have to know that once we get closer to each other I will want and expect him to be around my son at times, and that an honest fact of the matter will be how he relates to him. If I was to ever consider having a serious relationship with someone, he would HAVE to be able to get along with my son. That is just a plain fact. And any man that would be worthy of having me in his life would understand that.<P>Do I think a blended family can work? Yes, if all parties are ready and willing to put the time and effort into making it work. I believe that if all parties are involved, they can make anything work that they want to. I am one of those people who truly believe that if you put all of your heart and mind into something that you truly want, then yes, it will work. <P>It may be naieve to think that, but who here can honestly say that if both them and their stbx had put all of their everything into making their relationship work that they wouldn't be here. Either before or after the problems started. If we had truly fufilled all of the other persons EN's there is a chance that none of this would have happened. And even after all of these things happened, a majority of us would have been willing to forgive and accept the affairs, the lying, the deception, the fights and the violence if only the other person had wanted to actually work on the relationship, right the wrongs, and make it better. But for most of us, the cold harsh reality of the matter is that the other person quit. They no longer wanted to work on it.<P>Everything in life is like that. If you want something bad enough and you are willing to do what it takes to accomplish it, then yes, it will work.<P>Okay... Little Java here is going to get off of her soapbox for awhile.... Have a good day guys!<P>~Java<P>[This message has been edited by JavaAllNightLong (edited April 07, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by JavaAllNightLong (edited April 07, 2001).]

Why not allow your son to talk to you about his feelings about the OM...let him share how he feels about all of this..if he can't share with you..is he in counseling so that he has someone to talk to about it? If it is troubling him then he needs to talk about it..or begin to feel that his feelings don't matter..<P>Mom doesn't care how I feel..she's going to see this person anyway...dad won't let me talk about it..cause it hurts him<BR>to much to talk about..so what I feel doesn't matter...so he will bottle them up inside..and won't know how to share his feelings w/ anyone..not even a future spouse..and it will cause problems for him if he doesn't learn to share his feelings and hurts..<P>Let him know that his it's okay to feel hurt, that this is<BR>happening and that you are hurting too..but don't place all the blame on stbx and OM..let him know that you made mistakes in the marriage as well..yes, we tend to want to <BR>protect our children from the hurt but we can't..they still feel it..but if he can at least talk about how he feels inside maybe he won't start acting it out in other ways..<BR>like at school in fights..or grades dropping..and such..<P>I know that my 6 yr old son hurts because of whats going on here..and he's acting up in school..I sat down w/ him and told him I know he's hurting inside, and that it's okay that he hurts...but it's not okay to act out in anger at others..<BR>but that when he hurts about something he needs to talk to <BR>me or to talk to the counselor about what he's feeling inside..he's hurting not just about the divorce..but that<BR>I went back to work..and I'm not home like I used to be..<BR>he's just started kindergarden and has to go to class every day..and can't stay home when he doesn't want to go to school..so he's had a lot of changes going on here..except that dad isn't here..thats something that hasn't changed..because dad was never here anyway..but talk to him..and let him share his feelings about what mom is doing..and also about OM..it will build a bond between the two of you that will be hard to break..he'll learn that your there for him..and that it's okay to share your hurt and pain..you can even share some of the hurt you feel inside..<BR>you don't have to go into details...but just let him know that you hurt too..you can also tell him that mommy hurts inside too and this is just how she's dealing w/ her hurt..<BR>some ppl drink..some ppl do drugs, some ppl turn to work some sports..some to other people...but she's just not ready to let herself feel the hurt yet..but she will one day..<P><BR>I hope that makes sense..<BR>

I'm sorry TR...<P>Mommy doesn't hurt. Mommy's happy. Mommy doesn't care about anyone but mommy. And that's basically the root of this problem...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Nick,<P>I think you are on the right road and when your healed you will have a great son and a lot to offer someone. Just like I feel that way about most of us here.<P>Java,<P>You also have a good perspective. I think its healthy for us to want to go on and share our life with someone "someday". Its realistic,that we may never find them, or that we can succeed if we put in that effort, and its true, we are going to put more into it because we failed before. I know I do it.<P>Blended families are an awful lot of work, and I'm only 28 and everyone I know has kids, so the odds of me finding someone my age without kids would be rare at times. THen I think, if they don't have kids, than I don't know what kind of person they are going to be around mine.<P>I like the fact that I am dating someone with kids. I think he is a great dad. I have a few problems. It was great in the beginning, of course, when we only went out by ourselves and there were no complications! I have a bad habit of comparing him to my ex, how my bf is such a great dad and my ex doesn't take the full responsibility. I can't ever be mad for my bf putting his kids first, thats what I love about him. I'm just getting a dose of what it really means to think about blending families, even though THAT in itself is so very far away. I am starting to wonder what I really want myself and I see myself and my views changing. <P>I had a counseling session with my EX today. It was about the kids. But since it was the first session, only me and ex had to go. We had to give our own version of the past year and a half and what we felt the kids were having trouble with.<P>This experience, for me was terribly painful. I cried thru the whole thing. I thought I was done crying over this. But I found out that my ex , who I give a ton of credit to, for once, is trying to be honest and be a better person. He carries a lot of guilt,over leaving me, leaving me on xmas, leaving his kids, spending time with a potential stepson and guilt that he should be with his kids, he and his fiancee don't agree on discipline, and my ex was afraid to communicate to me when we were married. He thinks we are better friends and communicate perfectly now. <P>The strange thing is I always had this impression that my ex was in that fog and didn't care, but I got a different side of him today. Does it make it easier>? Absolutely not. He seems human again, he seems to have a heart somewhere deep down and is in a lot of pain. And the fool that I am, I feel bad for him!<P>But Nick, the whole reason this thread got to me, was that my ex didn't seem to care about our kids, and my bf seems to care about them at the opposite extreme, almost to a point of excluding me to protect them. Its 2 very different ends to be at and I'm just struggling to understand men these days! I feel pulled in two directions.<P>Good luck with your son. I think your doing the best things you could for him. And by doing that, he'll grow up to be a good guy out of it too. Which is good, cuz I have 3 daughters out here that I worry about!<P>Sorry for rambling, think the counseling got to me today, Dana<BR>

Dana-<P>I think the thing a couple has to remember when they both have kids, is that they will have to juggle priorities. Sometimes the relationship comes first, sometimes its one of the kids. Also, I think it's the biological parent's responsibility to raise & set values for their own child(ren) and to help their partner in raising his/hers. I feel if I meet & marry a woman with kid(s) we'll have to agree on many things. Namely level of responsibility to the others kids, discipline, house rules, etc. I have a spectacularly well behaved son, so disrespectful tantrum throwing kids would definitely be a challenge for me.<P>This would have to completely out in the open for me, because anybody I would want to become involved with would have to agree that at some point, our relationship with each other becoomes at least as important as raising our kids. Sometime in the relationship the kid(s) won't get their way so that the couple can. The kids would have to understand that as well.<P>Now, I just have to find that girl <P>Java-<P>You are corect, you never know. But I'm coming to the realization, that it's possible that I'll never find that special person. And if I don't, having raised my son into a good caring man will be enough for me. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone, but I'm not "settling". And I'm not going to run out there & chase someone down just salve my lonliness right now.<P>Rose- <BR>I'm sorry to have been short, I had to deal with her yesterday & her "this just happens sometimes. I hope we can be friends" attitude poisoned a really nice day.<P>My son knows he can talk to me about anything. I try very hard to explain that his mom is basically a good person, but that this is what she feels she has to do in order to be happy. It would be a little helpful if she would acknowledge the pain she is putting us through in order to obtain that happiness, but that's not going to happen. <P>I really believe that someday she's going to see that this really did not need to happen. That we could have been very happy together & had a wonderful life as a family. But if it ever does happen, I'm almost certain it will be too late. And that's a shame, because we are really all losing something very special here. Even if only 2 of us realize it right now.<P>Anyhow, it's going to be a beautiful day & we're going to go down to the beach (I've found a kid is almost as good as a puppy, for using as bait ) Whenever I start feeling sorry for myself, all I have to do is look at him & realize I have everything I need. I'll worry about the wants later...<P>Take care you guys. I hope you have a nice weekend...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Nick, <P>I wouldn't worry about not finding her, when the time is right, you two will find each other, I do believe that. I have to believe that because I met a great person when I finally WASN'T looking.<P>I won't lie. Its very very hard. And things even had to take a step backwards, but I'm hanging in there.<P>I'm glad that some men take responsibility in raising their boys to be good men someday. Somewhere along the line, that didn't happen with many of the guys my age!<P>My kids counselor said that when we divorce, we set our kids up to like a 90% chance of divorcing one day. That is scary! Why didn't someone tell me that before I married someone from a broken home??<P>OH well, enjoy your weekend.Dana<BR>

Hi Nick,<P>I love your attitude where your son is concerned. As I love most of the attitudes that we all have. Because we all seem to be trying to put our kids first. And God knows, if we didn't who would? Not my ex, not yours, not Dana's etc etc.<P>One thing that I always say when my kids ask me why I don't like their Daddy anymore is this.<BR>"I love your Daddy and I always will, because if I didn't I wouldn't have you two...and you two are the most important thing in my life."<P>Not only does it 'work' but I mean it from the very bottom of my heart. If I hadn't have loved him, I wouldn't have my two precious girls. We can talk about the semantics when they are older but for now I do want to keep thinking that.<P>I've let them know that Daddy has made some different choices, but that he must be free to do that. And they must respect him all the same. He is and always will be their Daddy.<P>Hopefully, by doing that, my girls will grow up through divorce to be well adjusted young ladies who feel loved by both parents, and secure in themselves. I'm trying to give them a sense of self-worth, make sure they have some self esteem and know that they are valuable and wonderful human beings.<P>If I can do this, then I will consider myself a success. *****ing, moaning and harping on about him will not help me do that. (yes, I do ***** and moan and harp on about him, but generally only with my Mum or here!!!! I'm only human.......!!!)<P>Anyway, I just wanted to give us all a big pat on the back. If only because we are thinking about our children, and trying to put them first. That is the most important thing.<P>take care of you Nick, and know that you're doing a great job as a father. One day, you'll be so proud to look at him and think, 'yep, I did that', but you know what?. He'll look at you right back, and think, 'yep, that's my Dad, God I love him......'<P>hugs to you my friend<P>Jo<P>

Nick,<P>It's okay...I didn't take it personally...I know your hurting..and dealing w/ the stbx's and x's is very stressful..and painful..<P>I guess I am looking at things from a different view point<BR>on this..as the WS..and the one who asked for the separation..I know how hard it was for me to make that<BR>decision..it took me years to make that decision..it's not something that I took lightly..and have thought of everything I'd be giving up..I've weighed every thing..<BR>even the effects on the kids..<P>I don't know all the details on why your wife left or what happened in your relationship for her to leave..but I do<BR>at times even for as much as I love my children..there are times I wish their dad had to have them full time in order to know what that full time responsibility is like..to have to learn that there is something more important in life than work and drinking..to make him more responsible for someone else other than just himself...to know what it's like to have your child wake up in the middle of the night having an asthema attack, or rushing your child to the hospital because they busted their head open..and not having someone else there to depend on to help out..and to lean on at those times..but even when he has had them so I could have some time alone..he has been drunk..and didn't take that responsiblity and I am thankful that none of them were hurt<BR>while they were with him..but sometimes...I do wish he could know what thats like...<P>So that being said...what type of father were you before all this happened? Did she have total responsibility? or feel that she did? while you were out doing whatever with your friends? or gone working all the time? never helping out<BR>with your son until it was forced upon you? <P>For me...I have been totally responsible for my children..<BR>while he was gone all but one weekend a month..drinking every night..(calling me up drunk) and laying the guilt <BR>trips on me when I did do things with friends..(even when I took the kids) that I just wanted to be single..because I wanted and needed more than just staying home 24/7 365 days w/ children..even now when he takes the kids it's at his convience and if I am not home when he is ready to bring the kids home they better have a house key..so he can bring them home..and he has even tracked me down at a store where I was shopping w/ a friend so that he could give me the kids..he called another friend to get this other persons cell phone number and asked where we were so he could bring me the kids because he had things he wanted to do..and couldn't do it w/ the kids..and even w/ that I still struggle w/ am I doing the right thing? And I know that deep down...I am..and I have a peace about that..because I don't see him changing..<BR>and I can't change him..but I pray that one day..he will see how much he's missed out on in their lives..and I see how much he is like my own father..and how as a child I used to wonder why my mom put up w/ it..and wished and prayed she would've divorce him...she finally did..after we were grown..sacrificing her own happiness..for us..but for all those years..we all suffered..not just her..but ALL of us..<BR>never seeing how a loving marriage should be..never seeing what love in a relationship was like..and I for one..don't want that for my kids...(it's sad that before my mom died 6 years ago..she told me that my stbxh is just like my dad..<BR>and that I should take the money she was leaving me after she died and divorce him so that I could find someone that really loved me..and made me happy) but I just said...he says he'll find another job and be home..6 years later..he still hasn't done that...

I wanted to add something else...OM and I haven't been seeing each other since Nov. of last year..thats been over<BR>for awhile..and I still don't want the marriage if he doesn't change..so I can't say that I am looking at another man and in the fog of things..I've been out of the fog for awhile..

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ThornedRose:<BR><B>Nick,<P>...So that being said...what type of father were you before all this happened? Did she have total responsibility? or feel that she did? while you were out doing whatever with your friends? or gone working all the time? never helping out with your son until it was forced upon you? <BR> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I think I was a pretty good father. But I know I'm a better one now. We pretty much shared all the responsibilities. In the entire marriage I went out doing "whatever with my friends" less than a dozen times, and I never did after my son was born. Going off with friends was more her thing. I travelled quite a bit, but we discussed it and agreed that the extra income was worth the separation (about 70-90 days a year total). I think I did my share of cooking and cleaning and work around the house in general, at least by the standards I see in my married friends.<P>Could I have been a better husband? Of course I could have. A better father? Certainly. But I wasn't a bad one by any reasonable standard. I would have done anything to save my marriage and my family, but that wasn't what she wanted. In the final analysis, I didn't quit and I didn't split. And my son will always know that. I didn't end the marriage and break up the family. She did. Not because she had to, but because she chose to.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited April 09, 2001).]

Nick,<P><BR>I could have handled the travel of only 90 days a year..<BR>sounds like you were doing everything you could as a father<BR>and husband..wish I knew what to say on why she's acting like that..Sorry

Nick,<P>I swear you're living my life...<P>I told my 10 year old daughter who is having to share her time with her dad with the OW regularly (including a 5 day spring break trip) that she needed to do whatever she needed to do to make the time at her dad's work for her. If that meant "being friends" with OW - so be it. I did explain that I would never be friends with OW because of how their relationship came about - but I don't have to be around her...so it doesn't matter...my daughter does and so she needs to make it work for her. <P>Giving her the green light to "be friends" freed her up from her loyalty bind - she was feeling very pulled between her love for her dad and her love/loyalty to me. Both my kids know who left this marriage and the obvious reason why...OW.<P>Pre-adolescents really like to paint people as good guys and bad guys, yet they get stuck when they try to see the parent who left (yet they still love) as totally bad and it puts them in a complete emotional bind.<P>My counselor suggested to look at it this way - for every negative role modelling behavior stbx does, I should do a positive one...the result of a negative and a positive is zero - his suggestion is that a life that models integrity, honesty, loyalty and love will have at least as much impact if not more than any bad decisions our spouses expose our kids too. I just keep repeating that mantra to myself whenever my stbx does something stupid with OW and kids.<P>Lisa

Hi Lisa,<P>Wow, that would explain why I've been so confused lately <P>Seriously though, I've explained to him that I have no control over that his mother does or who she sees, but he needs to figure out how to get along in this situation. I really don't envy him, because I know how uncomfortable it makes him. I wish there was something I could do, but the best I can come up with is to make his time with me as good for him as possible. And that includes not exposing him to another woman with me.<P>I'm just beginning to figure out what a complex little critter he really is I guess he was smart enough to figure out that he couldn't handle his mothers current relationship and me in one of my own at the same time. The fact that it took this long for it to dawn on me is a little scary though...<P>So it presents no dilemma for me at this point in time. He did say, however, that if I met someone & wanted to go have coffee with her or something along those lines, he'd be OK with it. I guess that rules out me using him for bait at the beach <P>Rose-<P>Actually it's easy for me to see what's going on. She's in love with someone else & love is an awfully powerful narcotic. I remember the feeling myself...<P>That fog so often mentioned around here is actually romantic euphoria that tends to filter reality. It usually wears off in most cases, and what she'll end up with is a life that'll likely be no better, and probably will be not as good as the one she could have had with me.<P>Oh well, the choice was hers...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again