edited<p>[This message has been edited by Willis (edited July 20, 2000).]

Willis,<p>How long have you been married? <p>How long has this been going on?<p>Do you have any kids?

edited<p>[This message has been edited by Willis (edited July 20, 2000).]

Willis,<p>You forgot to answer my questions. The reason I ask, is this. She sounds really similar to my wife. What's really going on. If you are this unhappy, don't you think she is too!! You need to do more searching for answers....

Maybe you have eliminated love busters, but have you identified her needs and what you might do to meet them? (This sounds a little like our scenario except that I am fighting like crazy for my marriage and my husband will not go to counseling etc.)<p>My H seems to believe that if sex is good, and I enjoy it that my needs are being met. He doesn't understand that it is still his priority need getting met, not mine. It may be good and I may enjoy it, but if sexual fulfillment is lower on my own list of emotional needs, I still feel like he is getting his needs met and mine are ignored if the ones higher on my list don't get frequent and consisten attention. Also, I think that needs that we feel suffer sometimes end up higher on our list. I feel like my need for sexual fulfillment is not lower because I don't need it as much, but there is no problem having it met. <p>I expect, that for your wife there is some major one-sidedness still going on. Find out what it is, if you really care. Be careful not to invalidate her feelings and emotions. Also, I sometimes am afraid to show happiness with our relationship because I don't want that to be synonimous with "I want to have sex". So we are both denied feeling happy. Let good times just be good times with no strings attached. I think that if other things are going good, good sex happens by itself.<p>Have you read Weiner-Davis book Divorce Busting?<p>Good luck.

Anyone else have any answers for Willis? I would also be very interested. His situation is similar to mine and I have many of the same questions.

Willis;<br>Has your wife ever been sexually abused in any way? Her reactions to sex seem to point in that direction. She has either had a tramatic sexual experience at sometime in her life or has been 'taught' to feel that sex is a disgusting act. Have you REALLY talked with her to try and find out what the 'bottom line' is?

I'm another member of the club. I'm not sure if all of this effort is at all worth of it. If she doesn't want a sex life what can I do? She doesn't want it and I don't want to put her through it if she doesn't want it. I cannot think of too much worse than being forced to have sex when you didn't want it to with someone you didn't want it with.<p>I can fully understand how affairs develop. If I lived in AZ I'd probably visit a brothel and be done with it.