Hi all,<P>I met with my attorney today to work through our property agreement. Looks like it is almost done. I am still not in any hurry to get this all finished - more like I am just along for the ride. When this all takes place I just want my wife to know (and live with) that this was 100% her decision. The only thing I wanted to do was work on "us" - she chose to leave, to run.<P>While intellectually I know our marriage was not bad enough to require a divorce, the emotional side of me still gives me doubts. Like maybe she was right, maybe we were never meant to be together - that we are too different - that I would never change - and on and on. <P>Today, my lawyer said something to me that really gave me a shot of inspiration. He said: "Mike I have asked around about your wife, and from what I hear, she sounds like a very lovely young lady, but it is just that she does not understand what life is really about". Translation: She is still immature to the ways of the world. The town she is from is a small one and everyone knows what is going on with everyone else. So for him to tell me that, really helped me to see that others "outside" of our families see the same things I see - while we both share in the blame for the marital problems, she really thinks "the grass is greener" on the other side.<P>Looking back I know see that while I may have been ready to get married at 25, she at 23 was too young - not necessarily in age, but rather in "life experience".<P>My prayers and hope are for God to grant her a expedited course in what life is really about. Maybe then she will look to us and see what we had BEFORE my feelings for her are too far gone....<P>I still have hope........<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Mike,<P>You said:<BR>"While intellectually I know our marriage was not bad enough to require a divorce, the emotional side of me still gives me doubts. Like maybe she was right, maybe we were never meant to be together - that we are too different - that I would never change - and on and on."<P>I don't know that there is a "wrong" or "right" in a situation like yours. I do know that love is a decison. You made a choice to love her, and she did not reciprocate.<P>Marriage takes 2. I don't believe in the fated "meant to be together" stuff. Its part of a fantasy belief that somehow we don't have control over our emotions and actions. The "we weren't meant to be together" thing...especially coming from someone fleeing from a marriage seems to be nothing more than a deflection of responsiblity for actions that are incredibly selfish.<P>I do believe, that absent addiction or other mental health issues, that most marriages can be saved. But it's only possible if both individuals fully committ to a decision to love.<P>Your lawyer is right, your wife sounds very young and immature. The problem was not you, the problem was her refusal to take responsiblity for her part of your marriage.<P>I hope for your sake that she grows up and realizes how foolishly and selfishly she has acted in this.<P>--BR<BR>

Mike,<P>I have you, and others in my prayers. Don't ever lose hope. I am forging ahead, making a life for myself because I must. Like you said, I too am going along for the ride. I know you understand this; My divorce will be final at the end of this month , and in as much as it will happen, I am not ready to close that door. It is like that is the only thing I have control over.<P>Petrie

I can certainly relate, Mike. My wife is a really wonderful person. <I>Everyone</I> who knows her loves her.<P>When we got married, I was 24, and my wife was still a couple weeks shy of her 23rd birthday. In light of what has happened, I have wondered sometimes whether my wife perhaps didn't have the maturity to understand her vows. I <I>believe</I> that she did. She wrote her vows herself, and I really don't think that the years of mutual commitment and happiness that followed were my imagination. But sometimes I wonder.<P>Either way, <I>I</I> knew what I was doing. I didn't know what to expect out of marriage, but I knew exactly what I was committing to. The vows I made were not conditioned on whether or not my wife's troubled childhood would boil up and send her off in a panic. They were unconditional, and to be true to myself, I must also be true to her.<BR>

Mike, <P>We’ve come so far, yet the similarities remain. I have no doubt in my mind that my ex did not understand the significance of her vows and that she really lacked the life experience needed to be mature enough to make the commitment of marriage. If I were a betting man, I would say that she not much happier now then she was when she left. Her life is different and I’m sure that she is handling things differently, but I don’t see her as being much happier. I have a gut feeling that the same holds true for your wife as well. Whether you see it or not, finalizing this divorce will have an effect on her. For you though, I think it will help to give you closure.<P>You have gone through a big transition in the last year and I know that you have learned a lot about yourself and your marriage in the process. Given the chance to do it all over again, I’m sure you know areas that you would handle differently. We all do, but you can just take from those experiences and learn from them. I think that is what you have done here.<P>You may not ever feel that divorce was the answer in your marriage, I know that I don’t think it was for me, but that was out of our control. I have learned to let go, to accept and to move on. Looking back on my marriage objectively, I can recognize that it was not a “fairy-tale” marriage and better things are yet to come. I’m happy for the years together and the memories we shared, but those have just helped to mold me into the person I am today. I sense the same from you.<P>One of these days my friend, I’m buying the first round of beers!<P>Don’t forget….It’s the summer of Mike and it’s the summer of Shawn <BR>

My ex married me when he was 22. He had never lived on his own and had no concept about the real world. He often got angry with me for being a realist--or what he called a pessimist. If I brought up a retirement account or savings, he would get his feelings hurt because that meant that I did not have faith in him as a writer that could become rich and famous one day. Damnit, I was tired of rolling coin for lunch money in the present. <P>He asked me today out of the blue if I was happy. I said yes, but I didn't expect my life to turn out this way. I told him that I might have been happier with him and that I still believe that we had not done the right thing. I will always believe that. I asked him minutes later if he was happy, and he said sometimes. He said he gets sad everyday. I don't think he knows the nature of happiness and expected me to hand it to him on a plate. That is what comes with life experience. He thought the grass was greener and in the last few days, he has all but said outright that it is not. That is causing him much grief and pain. He admitted that much. I said "Why didn't you see all this when it mattered." I got silence and a sigh and a dispondent "I don't know, I wish I had" from him. <P>I think it takes an experience and a loss like this for a person like our spouses who have had little life experience to truly understand the nature of committment and a vow. I pray that they will with someone else. I know I understand it and those I surround myself with will too.

Had to note this...my sentiments exactly:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoTired2000:<BR><B><BR>While intellectually I know our marriage was not bad enough to require a divorce, the emotional side of me still gives me doubts. Like maybe she was right, maybe we were never meant to be together - that we are too different - that I would never change - and on and on.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Well, the similarities just keep popping up around here. I was 25 & my STBx was not quite 21. I'm now almost positive she was not emotionally mature enough to get married & probably needed a couple of years on her own. Unfortunately for me & my son, she's waited till now to decide to see the world on her own. (Well, not actually on her own, if you count that she spends most of her free time with the boyfriend she's had a for the last few years)<P>I also believe my STBx didn't understand the vows she took either. I don't remember anything about "till someone else makes me happier then you" being in there.<P>Jayhawk, nice to see you. We didn't make it too far this time, but next year could be better. Oh well Sweet Sixteen is better than some other tourneys I remember. My son & I are sneaking back for a visit in early July. If you're going to be in town, maybe we could meet & have a beer. Do they still make Boulevard pale ale?<P>Take care all...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Mike,<P>I think a lot of us who married young, or even had kids very young (I was 18, that is WAY too soon) look back on it all and we realize we didn't have the knowledge or life skills to really completely understand what was ahead of us.<P>I still believe that marriage vows should be forever. I would have never cheated, I don't care how bad it got, I just was more into talking things out. I still believe that now, but its hard to trust again too.<P>A lot of people who have been married 20 years around here, who also married young feel very similar.<P>Although every situation is different, I think there is some good in all of us, even our spouses who cheated. <P>I do think that some of us are really just incompatible. Maybe not when we first got together, but as we mature at different rates, and for all the people I know personally, all the women WANT to get married and the guys are still wanting to go do their guy thing and not really wanting to settle down.<P>But beyond that, we all change. And in ways we'll never change. And when our spouse/partner changes, sometimes it forces us to change. But we have to want to change and see a need for it. And thru all those changes, we are supposed to love each other enough for better or worse, which everyone keeps leaving on the "for worse" part.<P>After having kids at 18, now being divorced at 28, with 3 daughters, a college degree I'm still paying for, but not using just yet, and an ex of 11 years , I STILL don't know that I've learned anywhere near enough to believe this marriage thing could work a second time around.<P>Keep your hope alive ! Hugs, Dana<BR>

cOOker.<P>It's nice to see you back too my friend.<P>True, we didn't make it that far this year, but sweet sixteen is better than years past.<P>So you will be here in July huh? Definately let me know when you will be in town and I'll buy the first round! Yes, they still make Boulevard Pale Ale. I think I would go insane without it (well, not really, Boulevard Wheat is my beer of choice)<P>Later.<p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited April 07, 2001).]