Is it possible to be in love with someone, but at the same time hate them too? I got to see my kids this weekend, and it has been wonderful. I missed them like mad. They have to go home tomorrow night, and I am already dreading it. The last couple of days have been extremely emotional. I still have strong feelings for my STBXW, but at the same time I resent her for all the things she is doing to me. I would say that I have some hatred of her. This is so confusing.<P>I found out that she has not been staying at her new place. She has been staying with the OM. They are together playing house with my kids, while I have to wait to see them. How fair is that? <P>I am just very confused about these emotions. I was wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way?<P>Griz

Dear Griz,<P>Yes it is possible to love and hate. Please let me explain. I have told my H that I love him as a person. Always have and always will. However, I do have principles and so I hate what he is doing and the person he has allowed himself to become. <P>This principle I carry throughout my life. I can not condone everything everyone does. My family is close to my heart and so their actions affect me deeply. The Bible says at Amos 5:15 - "Hate what is bad, love what is good and give justice a place at the gate." The background to this verse was God's message to the Israelites who had strayed from serving God. Even though, God loved them, he hated their bad acts. Similar to how I feel about what my H has done to our family. <P>When our spouses are doing confusing things, trying to reason on it is enough to make our heads spin. This caused many up and downs in our relationship and made me feel like I was on a roller coaster ride with no end in sight. <P>When I chose to get off by not going with H's emotional swings, things were much easier to handle. Of course, that meant my not being so involved in what he was doing with OW. That was hard to let go, but once I did a type of calmness entered my life and made it possible to concentrate on routines and activities that were my responsibility and within my control. <P>Just my thoughts. <P>L.

Bingo!!!<P>Orchid has it right. Hey Orchid, I hope you are getting closer to acceptance; sounds like it.<P>The only way to win is to not play. It's a sick and destructive game anyway.<P>There are better things in life to be doing than wasteing your time playing the game.<P>Griz, you can love the person she was and hate the person she is. She has turned into her evil twin, right? Let him have the evil twin. <P>She is in for a world of misery. What goes around, comes around. How do I know this? My mother ran off with the OM who became my step-dad. She lived an absolutely miserable life. She didn't end up with anyone better than my dad. He has his faults, as we all do. The "love" quickly vanished with my step-dad and they lived a dead marriage for umpteen years (until the divorce). She later was with some particularly lower class men. Later, she died of cancer. <P>If that is how your STBX wants to behave, then fine. The grass isn't greener, in fact, there is no grass. It's only a mirage in a desert. Whoa... Did I just type that? I think I'm on to something here. Our spouses are running into the desert in a daze of "love" only looking ahead to the oasis they see ahead. It will be incredibly painful for them once they realize it is all a mirage. <P>Griz, be happy with yourself. Have fun in life. You will soon feel whole again. You won't be on the market long as some fine women is going to scoop you up.<P>

Orchid,<P>You make a very good point. I love the woman that I married five years ago, but this person that she has become, even though she looks the same, is not the same person. She has changed so dramatically that I really don't know who she is. I am trying to get off of the emotional swing. I am trying to get my life back into order, and want nothing more than to make my life what it would have been. Some days are just harder than others. I appreciate your insight.<P>Father of 1,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Griz, you can love the person she was and hate the person she is. She has turned into her evil twin, right? Let him have the evil twin.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Evil twin is too nice of a term for what she has turned into.<P>I do firmly believe that what goes around comes around. I know that things will eventually head south for them, and I want to be able to watch the fireworks when that happens. But, I am concerned about my kids. My son already has fears that my STBXW and the OM are planning on getting married, and this bothers him. I wish that I had more time to spend with them, to help ease his fears.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Our spouses are running into the desert in a daze of "love" only looking ahead to the oasis they see ahead. It will be incredibly painful for them once they realize it is all a mirage.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> Very nice metaphor.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Griz, be happy with yourself. Have fun in life. You will soon feel whole again. You won't be on the market long as some fine women is going to scoop you up.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Someday. <P>Griz

Griz,<P>I didn't get time to read all your replies to this, but I think it was Jim (NSR) used to say you can love the sinner, but hate the sin. It makes sense really.<P>Also, its been said that there is a fine line between love and hate. I've also heard, the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.<P>Whatever way you look at it, its very normal to have mixed emotions. I just told the counselor yesterday, I feel it would be easier if I actually despised my exH but really he felt that does more harm on your healing anyhow.<P>I hated it when OW and exH were playing house with my kids too. It gets easier to accept as time goes on. I know it sounds like another saying, but it is true.<P>Enjoy the time you have with your kids and try not to think about all the negative stuff going on right now, you need your energy for your battle to get some decent visitation with these kids when it all comes down to court.<P>Good luck< Dana<BR>