Well, it's happening as always. Two good days and now swinging back to more bad days.<BR> I was looking through my computer and came across some of the letters I had saved between the OW and my H. Namely, the one where the OW is entreating my H to come back to her after he had decided to come home and telling him she will make him so much happier than I could and that she has no desire to date anyone but him.<BR> I'm in a rage and sad at the same time. If this pathetic little whore could just have backed off, if she wasn't such a bloody hypocrite(she goes to church on Sundays and claims that she has the utmost respect for marriage) if only....<BR> I hate days like this. This feeling of utter powerlessness, my feelings mean nothing to either and both have decided my life for me. <BR> I've also broken the cardinal rule of this whole process and find myself rushing into a new "relationshp" already. I know it's wrong and very ill advised but at least when I am with him some of the bad feelings stop. We've talked about this and I've expressed concern numerous times that I most likely will end up hurting him. He says he understands the risks and that he is here for me to lean on and nothing more. There's so much comfort in that for me but at the same time guilt is starting to rip me apart. I care very deeply for this person(I hesitate to use "love" as through this whole ordeal that word has taken on a myriad of negative connotations)and I've known him longer than I've known my H, we grew up together and have always been strength for each other in rough times. It feels right(and perhaps a bit like revenge as I know the stbx is spending weekends with the OW) but I know deep down that it may be more damaging then anything else. Not really posting for advice but merely to get this off my chest.<BR> I've lost so much in all of this. My home, my pets, my job, my entire life can now fit into two large boxes. I'm just clinging to the first stable surface I can find. <p>[This message has been edited by Nduli2 (edited April 08, 2001).]

((((((((((((Nduli2)))))))))))))))))<P>I can understand your feelings. We all want someone who will take away the pain. You have been very honest with him and yourself. Everyday I find reason to be stronger and doing this by myself I think is a wise choice for me. I do a great deal of self reflection and asking what do I want? All of this I am hoping will help me build a much better relationship with someone in the future. <P>I do not sit in judgement of you I only hope you find the peace that we all deserve and if this friend helps you get there knowing full well the risks involved then so be it.<P>Take Care.

I'm doing the best I can to be honest to him about everything I'm feeling, brutually so if necessary. I don't want to turn around and do to someone else what my h did to me. Guilt like that would cripple me.<P>Thank you for not ripping into me for being so stupid.

I also had an e-mail exchange with the stbx. I told him I missed him and that I'm having a hard time. He apolodized for the hard times and said he misses his friend too(me) I'm so sad now and miss him even more.

My stbx showed up at the house this morning. I tried to avoid him but he found me upstairs. I was having an anxiety attack over having him here. He held me and cried for my pain. I still love him so much. He did not even mention the D and is not staying in town Monday to divide accounts and file as I thought he would. He is gone now taking kids to the zoo.

Hi,<P>You 2 ladies bring up a good point. You are allowing your H's to see that you have a need, your need to show your pain. The reactions you are getting are similar to what has happened to me. HopeAZ knows how similar our H's patterns are. <P>It is ok to have those anxiety attacks and let your H's see the pain they are causing you and your family. Believe it or not they may continue to rehash that memory even when they are away from you. This may take time to see or surface. Their reactions to your pain may even surprise themselves. I am not saying this to give you false hope. Remember they are human also. Maybe humans with an alien eliminate but as long as they are able to show some fellow feeling, they still retain a piece of their humanity. <P>This is a positive point. Keep it in your hearts. Do not consider it a recovery, just a step in the right direction. My H did this about 1 month ago. He is now talking about coming back. But remember he did that a month ago also. So I am being cautious. No cause for celebration. I told him, I will not allow him to hurt me anymore. H understands. <P>Anyway ladies, hang tight. Let's stick together. Let them continue their roller coaster ride by themselves. The OW's in their lives do not have real inner beauty. That type of real beauty takes time to develop. Remember while beauty may be skin deep, rotteness goes straight to the bones. Your inner beauty makes you both twice as valuable as the OWs of this world. Your H's have just lost their eye for real beauty. Remember that. <P>Those are my thoughts for today. <P>Take Care,<P>L.

Speaking of pendulums swings....I think I may have just done a really dumb thing. In a moment of weakness I asked him to consider separation instead of D....what in the hell did I just do? I don't want that!!! Think it will only prolong the pain and even though I crashed today when I saw him I have come a long way baby and don't want to go back!!! I descibed my feelings in an earlier post hear as still being in love with him...now a few hours later I'm thinking I'm not so sure now. He hurt me so badly I never want him back. He will never be the person I deserve.

Hi... You guys are so amazing. I haven't even separated from my H yet and your honesty and openness is just so revealing to me. Yet, it scares me to death... I thought the worst of my pain is over but I guess it is yet to come, no? I'm trying so desparately to prepare myself... <P>HOW HAVE YOU GUYS PREPARED YOURSELF? <P>I agree that showing your pain is good (although my H just says it makes him feel guilty). I'm reading the book now <I>Should I Stay or Go: Controlled Separation</I> and it provides some structure to handle what I'll be going through soon. <P>Any thoughts or advice on how to prepare oneself for the pendulum swings?! Or can't you prepare, you just have to live it one day at a time...?<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

There really is no way to prepare yourself unfortunately. You just ride the wave and do your best to keep from drowning. When I finally made the move out of state away from my H I wuld just play our divorce in my head over and over and I also stopped telling myself that this was just a passing phase. Putting myself in reality mode was whta kept me from going insane when my H told me he wanted the divorce for sure. Yes, I still have the occassional rouge fantasy of my h coming back and begging for forgiveness but I don't nurture it.<BR> I may have done something stupid as well Hopeless. My H tried calling and I didn't answer the phone. I wrote him telling him that I won't talk to him, I would only tell him that I still love him and I have no urge to hurt either of us with that. That I miss him and I just hope he is well. I don't mean for him to take the wrong way; I jus wanted him to know that I am avoiding him not out of hate or indifference but rather to avoid pain. I let my weakness show again. :P<BR>

HIA,<P>the extinguishment of the "happily ever after" dream takes a long time, that is what you had, the longing and the possibility of reconciliation which could happen. Remember, you are at Marriage <B> BUILDERS </B>, not FD, Family Destruction! that includes trying to save WS and marriages in crises.<P>The MB philosophy here prepares you with trying to save your marriage with plans A & B, AND additionally tries to minimize the regrets of the failure so that your healing is faster and more enduring than if you did it out of anger.<P>there is hope, its just how long can you wait for the fog to clear, and the WS to want to come back and commit to the marriage? its how you handle your self and how big a love bank do you have?<P>

WIFTT,<P>You are right we are at Marriage Builders and what I wrote was written in a moment of time. What I really wanted to do was call stbx and tell him I wished I had never ask about separation. Instead I came here and typed on a thread to a person with whom I knew was having similar feelings as myself and would UNDERSTAND. Opening myself up to possible rejection again was VERY difficult for me. If you read all the posts you would see that I was emotionally all over the place today.<P>I resent the implication that I'm into family destruction. That title belongs to my husband who had an affair 5 yrs ago and a few EAs since then and is now talking to the original OW. I planA for 4 years and am still here. H refuses counselling. Tells me I've done nothing wrong it is all him. All he can talk about is D. He left here telling me he would think about separation and that scared the hell out of me. After he left I realized that even if he agreed to separation the possibilty of D is still greater than reconciliation. I have come a long way emtionally and don't want to start all over again in a few months. I hope you can respect that.

Same here. I did start oout on the "recovery" board 5 months ago and now I'm here at "Divorcing" I did plan a and plan b and well, the WS responded to neither. You have to come to a point of acceptance at some point or you go nuts. I would love for my little fantasy to come true but I can't make him change his mind at this point.<P>*Hugs Hopeless* I know, I feel like writing a retraction to my h as well but I'm just going to let it go and let him runimate on it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:<BR><B>HIA,<BR>there is hope, its just how long can you wait for the fog to clear, and the WS to want to come back and commit to the marriage? its how you handle your self and how big a love bank do you have?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hello... I have a little bit of trouble with your rationale as laid out above. It seems you're expecting perfection from a person. I think it's more "real" just to be honest... maybe that means sucking it up and holding oneself in check or it may mean to show your real inner feelings of weakness and pushing of someone away at times.<P>I feel you're suggesting that it's up to her (us) that the entire future of the relationship lies in one's ability to handle themselves and how big their love bank. This seems a little steep and a bit slippery.<P>We all were made with <B>free-will </B> and sometimes that will is chosen at the expense of someone who is executing a "perfect" plan. Sometimes, it's the people who aren't running a "perfect" plan that reconcile. I just don't think it's that predictable, to be honest. <P>I think the benefit of what you're suggesting above is not necessarily for the other person but for you - to make you/us more of a loving advocate or team player rather than adversarial in the process. We all have choices to make on our own... our attitude is what we can control - NOT to control or manipulate someone else's decision making. We are NOT asked to play Holy Spirit in someone else's life... we are called to Love and that's it... but with that love, we shouldn't have expectations of being loved in return. Actually, quite the opposite.<P>So, all this to say is that there needs to be some balance between what is best for the individual. You can express your opinion just as freely as I can and that's the beauty of life - the diversity. There is no ONE way - contrary to what anyone may say. We each take a step one day at a time... isn't it so?<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Orchid:<BR><B>Hi,<BR>Anyway ladies, hang tight. Let's stick together. Let them continue their roller coaster ride by themselves. The OW's in their lives do not have real inner beauty. That type of real beauty takes time to develop. Remember while beauty may be skin deep, rotteness goes straight to the bones. Your inner beauty makes you both twice as valuable as the OWs of this world. Your H's have just lost their eye for real beauty. Remember that. <BR>L.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Well said... it's about inner beauty and feeling positive about the creation God made IN US! We cannot control the future circumstances, but with God's help, we can calm ourselves in the midst of the storm.<P>Have a blessed day!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

HIA and others,<P>i did not mean to imply that anyone here is a member of FD, what i meant was that we all were here to save our marriages, to the best of our abilities. and if we apply what we learn to the best of our abilities, then we should not live with as much regret as acting out in anger, without trying. we all last as long as our love bank can hold out, and each has their own limit. i have reached my limit,<BR>tried both a and b, no change from WS.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> In a moment of weakness I asked him to consider separation instead of D....what in the hell did I just do? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You were trying, and as a MB member, you did what you wanted deep down, you extended another opportunity. I support you in that that's why you did it, as MB member, NOT as a member of FD, like your WS.<P>maybe your plan wasn't the best, but you did the best you could, you still have some love bank deposits left, and you are hoping for an interest bearing investment. without the offering, you may have regretted that you didn't offer one more time. at least you tried, and for that you should have less regret.<P>to all, if each has acted to the best of each's abilites, and held onto their love bank until it absolutely runs dry, depending on the size of the love bank, then we should have no regrets for trying, and the D is not about us. that is the point, we cannot control what other's do, but we have to come to terms with our D. and in healing from the D, the period will be shortened knowing that we did everything we<BR>were capable of doing, and learning. <P>alot of us wish we knew about this sight and the concepts earlier. now we can apply them to any future relationships, and try to overcome the even higher odds against future happiness with a blended family.<P>I think my writing was done with haste, but was trying to give support to answer the question, and let HIA know that she gave it her best, and should not regret her actions in trying to save her marriage, nor even regret extending the question towards separation versus D.<P><BR>

Nduli,<P>I know I'm replying late to your post and I really don't have anything to say that could help you, I wish I did. 16 months later, I still feel this "pendulum swing" at times. Mostly as a result of something else in my life that goes wrong and I keep equating it to "the divorce". <P>I think when we go back and read that "old stuff" it just drudges up the bad memories and feelings we have been trying to either work thru or bury.<P>just sending u some hugs (((nduli)))<P>PS How did you come up with your name?<P>

Yeah, Dana I find myself doing that now too. I'm not in the best of circumstances, I'm living with two friends basically in the living room. I have privacy but a male friend is going to come over and put up a sheetrock wall for me so I'll have some semblence of a room. I have to constantly remind myself that H is no better off in the living arrangements, having to stay with his mother and all.<BR> As for my name(pronounced: in-dool-eye) it's a Swahili word meaning mischievious spirit. It's the name of a character in one of the strips I draw. I'm an artist by trade(unfortunately something that contributed to the downfall of my relationship. Professional envy between partners can be a killer and my h's ego couldn't take it), even though all of this mess has more or less blown my freelance business out of the water. It's hard to network when you're moving from house to house. Maybe now I can finally set up shop and get back to work.

Nduli,<P>Thanks for the info, I wondered about your name , it will help me spell it quicker now that I can pronounce it.<P>My home business got destroyed during divorce too. I built it back up but now want to return to work! What a year.<P>Wishing you well, Dana<BR>