I've been lurking for awhile. Dday was over a year for me. According to Harley's affairs usually only last up to 2 years after dday... My H is been back and forth so many times between me and OW. He seems to be out of the fog each time, but then he's only "with me" for a few weeks and straight back to her. I've done a poor job of plan A and am now in plan B, but it's difficult with my two sons... Everyone thinks he's continued to do this because I've not "put my foot down." I'm beginning to think that he will stay with her. I would also like to know why he keeps going in and out of the fog. Any thoughts on this?

Dear Liv,<P>It has been a long time and you are a patient person. For me the WS has been waffling a long time. OW is a person with mood swings that will make you nauseas. I think she PMS's but WS cant tell since he goes along with her mood swings. H is not divorcing her for no reason. Anyway, since my H did not have to deal with PMS for his married life, he thinks OW's PMS swings are part of their relationship. <P>Back to the swinging rollercoaster ride you have been on. Are you ready to get off? This will take effort. You will be rockin a bit even after you step off that ride. Eventually your H will see that you are on steady ground and he is not. How he reacts and how long it will take varies from person to person and how good or bad the WS & OW relationship is going. From what you have wrote, they may be blaming their rocky times on you. That is what my H and his OW did for many weeks. I stepped off and now the onis is on them. H can see how volitale the OW is break up to make up that's all they do. And now they do it without blaming me. <P>So I encourage you to have counseling and see if you can step off that ride and then watch. It is hard to do but you will feel better for it in the long run. Remember that you will feel a bit uneasy and queesy at the beginning. That sick in the pit of your stomach feeling when things happen and you are not aware of all the details you may have once been privy to. That's ok. <P>Just work on steadying yourself, keeping yourself and family in check. Eventually you will feel calmer and have more peace in your life. Then making decisions will be easier and the anxieties in their lives will have less of an impact on you. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Thanks Orchid! <BR>I have stepped off the ride this past time that H left. I've not been privy to anything in their relationship, though evidently he tells her about our relationship, or lack of. We have even gone the legal route in this past year. I think I will leave it up to him to initiate it this time - I've told him this. My sons are really suffering, but he doesn't hear any of this, the fog tells him I am making it up. Like I said, I am in plan b, so there has been no contact. It seems the times that he has thought I am "moving on" are the times he decides to "work on the marriage." Any thoughts on this?

Dear Liv,<P>I would like to ask a few questions if I may. How long since were implemented plan B and how old are your children?<BR>Have you had someone to talk with like a counselor or friend? <P>You don't have to answer these if you don't want to, it just might help me understand your situation better and respond if I can. <P>Thanks,<BR>L.<BR>

I'm with you on this one. There is a lot about THIS that I just don't get.... but I'm at the point where It doesn't matter to me anymore.<P>I don't know how old your H is, or if he went through some sort of crisis, but my H is 45 AND went through a crisis of sorts...though, I believe he has unresolved issues underneath it all also...(not that any of us are immune to unresolved issues)<P>My H has done the same thing re: reeling me back in, when he thinks I am "out of here"... He unfortunately pushed me to far and now I am out of here.<P>I do love my H..but my marraige has to end...and I am initiating the D....and at some point if he wants me back he will have to pursue me. I have already forgiven him, and have been incredibly calm and civil during this time, which has included a blatant affair with a M coworker and a pregnancy and a son (3 months old)...in a very small town, in which my kids are the only ones who don't know!!!!!<P>I guess my H is in the "fog" so to speak, but it seems more than that. He told someone he was unhappy, and needed to change everything...and he did. He seems to have no memories at all of his past with us. He also seems to have forgotton how to cook. (he wooed me with his culinary skills...now he can't seem to remember how to cook for the kids...this is something I find really bizaar)<P>Anyway, I suppose I would have to say you are doing the right thing by taking yourself out of the picture. (As in Plan B)... Just keep taking care of yourself and your sons. There is not a lot we can do about our WS's. It is truly their journey....especially if it involves ML issues.<P>I have 3 young children. I have spent this past year and a half getting to really know them, and to try to be the best parent I can be to them. For me, instilling faith in something bigger than any of us (God) has been what has worked for me and the kids... Keep hugging your kids...time goes by too quickly. If our WS want to "avoid" time...well, that is up to them. We have to stay in reality and make the best of it!!!!

I've been in plan b for more than a month this time, before it was never truly plan b. It's kind of tough trying to explain to my boys that I don't want to see or talk to their father, but I feel I must do this now, for my sanity. I don't think this is a MLC for my husband, more like revisiting his youth - he's too young for anything else I think. I am going to a counselor now. Everyone says leave him, don't take more of his crap, you can do better.... I know all that, but moving on doesn't seem to get any easier. They also think he is playing a game with me and the OW. The old H wasn't like that. SO evil. How do you KNOW that it's truly over? As much as he has hurt me, how do I know????

Dear Liv,<P>In answer to your questions. It is when you and your children are ready to go on without him. About 2 weeks ago, my son asked if we could go and look for a new dad. My son said he would prefer his real dad but if his dad did not want to be part of our family anymore, could I please get him a new one. Wow eye opener. Now even my son is thinking of replacing dad. This little one is 6 years old. <P>This made me think. We were actually doing ok without H in the house. There was more peace. No contention. No bickering without H around. Things actually ran smoother. You know the child had a point. While I am not in the market to have another man in my life so quickly, I began to entertain the idea of yes we could make it without dad. <P>Of course, it also helped that I had a dream about having a nice date with George Clooney (there was a post about that on the GQII site), anyway I began to see that we were already making those kind of adjustments. So when H came back this weekend saying he wanted to come back to his family, I had to stop and think do I want him back? How will my son feel? <P>H has tried to come back at least 4-5 times since he left 3 months ago. At first I was happy, then disappointed over and over again. Now I am more laid back and wanting him to prove how and why he should come back and for him to show what value he will bring to our family. <P>Hope some of this makes sense. For me if H comes back or not, we will make it. I can actually go either way so I need to be convinced it is a good thing to take him back. <P>Feels good to be at that point. I think another poster (Fo1/Ho0) called it the acceptance stage. There was a post about the 5 steps of grieving a few weeks ago. It might help you to look up that info. <P>Take Care,<P>L.