Last night my ten-year-old was as nasty as he has ever been. (He has ADHD & ODD - makes life very interesting.) I was warned that he would "act out" in the event his father left. Last night, I honestly was in fear that he would get physical. Not that he could do that much damage, but I am afraid that if he had initiated it, I would hurt him. But still, he has never been that bad and I know it is because his father is not here.<p>Every day he asks his dad if he has figured out why he is not happy. If he is coming home. When he is coming home. Every day.<p>Today my daughter didn't have her chores done when I got home. As I left to go to the store I calmly told her I expected them to be done by the time I returned. They weren't. (All she had to do was load the dishwasher.) When I got home I told her to get right downstairs and do it. She told me to shut up. <p>We had another altercation a few minutes ago and I made the mistake of telling her she didn't care about anybody but herself (which is true) and that she was just like her father (which is also true). But I should not have said it, no matter how true it is. She picked up the phone to call him just to tell him I said that, but then said she didn't want to talk to him. Obviously angry. She called him a [censored]. <p>She is only 12 years old.<p>And I am powerless in all of this. I have been as patient as I can be but things only get worse with these kids. They need their father, but he says he "can't" be here. I think it's a cop out, but I can't make him come home. He won't come home until he feels right about it. The needs of his wife and kids be damned. You know, I have troubles with the kids, but I don't run away. I didn't go out and start a fantasy relationship. Or run away from my family when it fell apart.<p>And when he tells them that they're grounded, they say "How can you do that when you're not here?" I told him he needs to be here and he said he didn't want to hear it.<p>It is so unfair that I should have to be abandoned to deal with this. I wonder if it would be better to make him come back here and I'll move out.

Patient - <br>I understand what your going through. Its very, very hard to deal with kids who are emotionally struggling. The first thing I would recommend is counseling for the children. You may be amazed how much this helps them to vent and talk. I too was left with 2 small children and I did go to counseling with them (all 3 of us). It helped them very much. I learned to bite my tongue when it came to their dad. I struggled to work a job like you, come home and care for kids (alone), keep the housework and yardwork done (alone) and it does get overwhelming. But your kids will also learn "just who" took care of them. You have to be strong for the kids - and I'm sure your emotions are crazy as well. Family counseling helps to calm things down and let everyone talk. You are the only support your kids really have now and they have to lean on you. I remember nights after tucking my kids into bed that I went to my room and balled like a baby - because I tried so hard to hold back in front of them my hurt and pain. I didn't want them to see any more than they already felt. I kept telling them "we're going to be fine" - whether daddy comes home or not, we will be fine! I got a lot of help from my sisters, and mom and dad. Now years later, everyone is just that - - fine. My ex is close to the boys - but they really appreciate and love me and show me in so many ways. They have sat down and told me how much they realize I was the one who was always there for them, who always supported them and never ran away. They understand that dad had problems and left; but know that I would never leave them. Ever. They say they love visiting their dad, but "home is home" and that is with me - where their comfort lies. Please, for you and the kids, go into counseling together and let everyone talk - it will help!

Patient,<p>You have my sympathy: my 8-year-old son is ADHD too. It was very hard for the kids when I left (Plan B). <p>Cndy's suggestion of counseling is a good one. And I would suggest that you get someone to 'babysit' for you for at least a couple times a week. I'm sure that you need the break. Any help that you can get, please take it. Don't feel guilty about asking family and neighbors to give you a hand.<p>And this is going to sound trite, but try eliminating lovebusters with your kids. You still need to deal with the fact that you're going to be a parent and you need to discipline them, but try to refrain from the anger and frustration. <p>It's an overwhelming situation. Try to get some folks to help you out.

Patient<p>K's suggestion for eliminating love busters from your kids is a good one. We're working on that with a thirteen year old who I've been tempted to throttle on more than one occasion. But we've really worked on ignoring as much of her negative behavior (and there's a lot to ignore) as possible and replaced it with trying to create as many positive moments as possible. For instance, instead of reminding her to empty the dishwasher, I might say, "Hey, let's tackle that dishwasher together so I can get dinner on the table sooner." Then we're a team instead of adversaries. Easier said than done, I know, but it's worked wonders in our relationship.<p>I've heard of a program for dealing with ODD called second step or something of that nature. There's a program for home and one for schools as well. Might be worth looking it up on the internet.

I'm not a parent myself, and so would be very interested to see what actual parents think of my suggestion (which I've made, in vain, to my husband re: his 3 daughters)... Instead of nagging them to do chores and yelling when they don't, how about plain old "consequences"? Calmly explain the deal (if you do x,y,z chore, you will get x,y,z privilege - tv, slumber party, movie, whatever). If they don't fulfill their obligations, they lose what they want. No need for screaming, hysterics; just calmly remind them of the deal. They will learn it's in their best interest to do the chores and will (once they figure it out) do them willingly in order to keep the privileges they want. Isn't this how life works, and does this not make sense?

Cndy<p>Thx. My son goes weekly - to the same therapist as my husband; I think that's a good thing. He suffers from Oppositional Defiant Disorder along with ADHD, so you can imagine I've got my hands full. Alone because his dad never could deal with it. My daughter flat out refuses, and I can't make her go.<p>K<p>I've been leaning on neighbors for five years now. I finally told my mom this evening. I have been avoiding that for four months (she lives 275 miles away). There comes a point when the generosity of neighbors wears thin. But, and I am thinking of posting a new thread a little later as things have developed further; I may be moving when school's out. Then I'll be depending on my brothers and sister in law for help.<p>Beanie<p>I am always looking for info on ODD. He currently takes Adderall and goes to psychotherapy weekly. The Adderall has been a Godsend. But current circumstances have created havoc that will likely continue for the forseeable future. I will do a search at work tomorrow... In the meantime, I already ignore a large portion of his negative behavior. But it's hard in that his 5 and 12 year old sisters refuse to do so.<p>Quandry<p>Your response is so logical, and if one were dealing with adults it would be a perfect solution. However, it only works when dealing with rational individuals. Of course, that is the first thing I attempt. Unfortunately, when dealing with children they simply do not see the "If I do this, that will happen" scenario. Spoiled? Certainly. It's only when I put my foot down and decide that I have absolutely had enough that I have to deal with the abuse I get from them. Let me tell you, the abuse I get from the kids is worse than any emotional abuse I have endured in this marriage. And I can't walk away from the kids; I can from the marriage, though.

hi patience very strange that you choose that name, i was a single parent for my daughters first 5yrs. she was diagonised as having adhd when she was 1 1/2 she had got kicked out of 12 daycares, kindergartn and 1st grade. when i married it was real tough . but would like to tell you there is a light at the end. she is now in a special class called a BI room (behavioral Intervention room) it is great 8 kids to 3 teachers. maybe this is an option at your school??? when i started praying with and for my daughter and really focusing on the lord things had a good atomisfer at my house something to try??? oh forot to tell you my daughters name...it is patience. guess god is trying to teach me patience by having patience she is 9. got to go bye