Hi, well, my story is like others on this board with the exception of the fact we've only been married 5 months and it appears as though my husband is now having a fear of commitment, feeling trapped, and has lost the butterflies "in love" feelings.<p>I have managed to get him to agree to go to counselling and we started last Friday. We each had a seperate one-hour session with a Pshycologist who handles marital issues. My question is how do I know if this is the right person? She did not seem very encouraging to me - basically said that since he is having most of the problems we will have to 'wait and see' - see if he opens up, gives us more to work with. I'm worried that if she is not encouraging me, that she is also not encouraging him - which is what I think he needs right now. I've read through this site and felt really motivated by some of the articles and advice. <p>I think my husband didn't think things would change when we married, that it would be all be one big party. He was living with his parents, and now we live together, and I think responsibility is crashing in around him. He associates me with the responsibility and stresses of married life and I've become a big bore to him. <p>I just don't want to sour him on counselling if it turns out we've chosen the wrong person - any advice from those who have been here???<p>Thanks

Alice,<p>Sounds like your husband just needs to grow up. But it is important, if you choose counseling, to get a good counselor. Some of them can actually help tear a marriage down further.<br>You can't afford, no matter who you go to, to set the counselor up as God so to speak. You have to have a set of standards by which you think life should be lived. Hopefully those standards are realistic and morally sound. Then you screen counselors in light of those standards. For example, if you believe a man and woman should be faithful to one another you'd be a fool to go to a counselor that would tell you to try having sex with other people. There are those sort of "counselors" out there, you know.<br>So you really have to be the final judge. How good you are at that will depend on how well you understand your own beliefs and motivations.

Alice -<p>Ouch! Straight from living with his parents to living with you?<p>Okay, been there. Only now, after nearly nine years of marriage have I finally started to understand what it means to be responsible, and to bear the weight of being an adult and a husband.<p>If he had lived alone for a year or two he would have a greater appreciation for what it takes to be responsible for himself and a marriage. He's probably hoping (maybe overtly but more likely passively) you'll take the role of "Mom" and take care of all that stuff.<p>That's what I did. We both lost the "in love" feeling, and I spent the last 8+ years hoping she'd pick up the slack and just coddle me and love me in all my pathetic glory, while she'd been getting more and more resentful and less and less respectful of me.<p>Marriage counseling may not be the only thing he needs. I myself am in individual counseling because I've found that I had to grow up, and do it for me; for my own integrity, my own masculinity, and my own self-respect. Any other motivator (fear of losing my wife, fear of losing her love, etc.) would not have worked.<p>He's going to have to get a good, long, solid dose of responsibility before he'll strengthen into someone who won't crumple when the stresses and needs of adult life rain down.<p>Good luck to you both - I sincerely hope you can avoid the bumpy road we took, it's been hell.<p>-Tom<br>

<br>Well said, Tom. Very, very true.

Thanks for the Advice.<p>Tom, he does have some growing up to do and he is seeing the counsellor by himself. It hasn't been very long and maybe I'm expecting too much in too short a period of time. I want to set some goals to work towards but I think he is still too confused and scared. <p>But regardless of the fact that he might not have been ready for marriage I think he has to deal with the responsibility and the problems that we are having. He said he is willing to try - but I don't sense one ounce of optimism or hope on his part. That's the hardest thing to deal with.<p>Thanks.

Alice -<p>I understand about not sensing hope or optimism from him -- I think it's a safe bet that he doesn't truly understand his need for growth, and that he may end up deciding that you're expecting too much. He's probably very confused inside, and isn't responding to external pressure very well.<p>When he comes to the conclusion that he needs to change for himself and himself alone, and that he needs to be able to live with himself as an adult, then the change will likely occur. <p>It may take a long time - it took nearly ten sessions with the counselor for me to finally figure things out and start going down the right path. And I'm not out of the woods yet.<p>I'm truly sympathetic to your situation, and want you to know that people can change when given the proper motivation, and understand clearly what their new course should be.<p>Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can actively do. You'll need to give it time and continue to be loving, but keep firm in your position.<p>-Tom<br>