I've been having a very hard time for the last couple of weeks in particular. <BR>Out of sight out of mind-I'm the one out of STBXH's thoughts-He & the OW are in my thoughts. <P>I have been contacted by H minimally (business stuff), and haven't spoken to the OW for about two months. I've been advised to not contact either (by friends, family, & other supporters). I have taken heed of this advise.<P>It is hard (I know you all can relate) to just sit back and watch these two people go on with their "love life". I have this urge to call either one up and say- Hey remember me? Does my husband think that since I am not calling him, everything is okay with me and I have gotten over him. It is hard to know what to do because I want him to think (and I am) doing well financially for myself and okay emotionally (I am not)- Almost like I want him to be proud of me.<P>I just think that with no contact, I am forgotten. All that we had and the future we dreamed of, is forgotten. All the things he loved about me are forgotten. But I guess that is what divorce is all about. I don't like it!!!<P>So, should I just stand firm with NO CONTACT. Looking toward my future that looks like will not include him? My heart says something all together different (I want him back, is what it says!)<P>I pretty much already know the answer---I am just having a hard time!!!!!!!<BR>Tell me, how do these WS's get off leaving such truly wonderful people like us here at MB's????????<P> <P><BR>

Dear Rejected,<P>Ok, venting time here. You are doing ok. Do you remember when we used to write on school yearbooks: <P> U R<BR> 2 GOOD <BR> 2 B<BR> 4 GOTTEN<P>Maybe that was too long ago (back about 2 decades - oops giving away my age). Anyway, that is what we are 2 good 2 B<BR>4 gotten. Just because H doesn't respond don't think you are completely written off. Now do you really want to deal with him if he is in the fog? Was he easy to deal with before you went to plan B and implemented no contact? How long have you been in this state? <P>I am in that position right now. Sure it was hard. Don't like not knowing. But you know what, it also allowed me time to focus on myself and son. Actually a big weight was taken off my shoulders when I finally (thanks to some great MB posters - you know who you are) bluntly put it in my face to back off and let them sink themselves (oh they put it nicer than that). <P>So I went in favor of the experts and lo and behold they were right. Didn't take long before H was having doubts and 2nd, 3rd and 4th thoughts. Now he needs to make his actions match his words (always had a problem in that dept). OW is very controlling with him but he may be coming out of the fog. H is now asking for help. Gotta give it slowing since I will not allow myself to be used as a doormat again. Oh yes, they both used me to wipe off their anger and blame me for them not getting along. No more, their inability to get along is all on them. That's what everyone had been saying. Let them see how great their relationship is. Let them put their actions where their big mouths full of promises are. <P>If they can make their promises reality, then you don't need to waste your time with them and should go on to make a happy life for yourself. If they can't, then are you willing to help your H pick up the pieces if he wants to come back into your life? See at that time the decision will be yours. Is that worth waiting for?<P>You decide. In the meantimem, take care and don't despair.<P>L.<P>

Rejected,<P>You are doing great. Spend time with the Lord. Renew your mind. No one gets by with anything. Remember God's timing and will not ours. No contact, no matter how much it hurts.<BR>There is hope as long as you seek God and pray for your marriage, your husband, and yes, pray for the OW. Forgive and if you don't feel like forgiving, tell God you are willing to be willing to forgive. Forgiveness comes from God anyway.Get out of the boat and walk on water. Don't let the wind cause you to look at your circumstances and sink.<BR>Praise God you are not contacting OW or your husband. Please don't believe Satans lies. Your husband is not happy,<BR>don't speak it or think it. You know the truth.Wait on the Lord.<BR>gentle

Understand where you're at. I often think that H is only concerned with OW and I am basically a nonentity. However, I try to think "what if I where the WS?" If I were, I think I would wonder about my BS, and also wonder if I were making a mistake, have mixed feelings. Like Orchid said,her H was having 2nd, 3rd, etc. thoughts. If the WS is worth the time and effort we think they are ... they must be concerned about us. Guess that is where the MB principles come in. Just by allowing them the opportunity to return, we have set up an option and kept their minds running. If we close the door, then they will have no need to give us a second thought. So why make it easy on them. That's only MHO.<P><BR>God love ya ...

Rejected, Hang in there. Don't you think of that cat...hanging on a tree limb. that's kind of where we are.<P>I know how you feel. There are so many days (seconds, minutes, hours,) that I feel like a nonentity also. <P>Did you see the movie "castaway".. I feel like Tom Hanks...all I need is the basketball to talk to. Of course I have my kids...but can't really talk to them about this can I...I have to help them through this. <P>But like Hanks says in castaway... just keep taking breaths. <P>Breathe in...breathe out....detach...and take care of you! The rest will come.

Dear Rejected<P>yes, I could have written that myself!. After more than 2 years I went to Plan B - long story why it took so long and while i dont regret that I can see how going to Plan B earlier might have been better for ME. Yes, I am fearful that H is just getting along with his life (and OW - although he is not living with her) ; and I sometimes want to phone up and say "what the hell are you doing". I feel hurt and angry that he may be discussing future life plans with OW while here I am at home hoping and hoping and hoping that he may finally come out of the fog and come home. I sometimes want to do really stupid things - like, I know it is her birthday this week and for some idiot reason I want to ring up and hurl abuse about how unhappy I was on my birthday this year. At the same time I feel stronger every day when there is no contact. I grieve deeply about what has happened but can see the occasional glimpse of light at the end of this tunnel of unhappiness; I am finally understanding that nothing I can do or say will make him suddenly "see thelight"; and that I have to let him go free if that is what he chooses. Hard to bear - but at least honest with myself and it means I am no longer spending 30 hours every day figuring out how I can best help US; right now I have to look after ME.<P>Does any of this make sense??<P>Hang in there - lets you andme holf hand (metaphorically) and be strong togther.<P>R

Hi there,<P> Don't forget what Harley says....that when they get together the WS will try to make it work.Therefore, you won't see much at first. Don't think because you don't hear from H he isn't thinking of you. <P>You are doing the right thing, any contact from you will just fuel their "alliance".....let them be everything to each other and self destruct from within....LU<p>[This message has been edited by Lu (edited April 10, 2001).]

Thank you all!!!!<P>That was really the support I needed. I will stand firm with the no contact. And basically leave it in God's hands. I'll take care of me and try to rebuild that big chunk of me that my husband took away (actually destroyed).<P>Thanks again,<BR>Petrie

Petrie,<P>I didn't do a formal plan b, so my then h at the time, didn't know what was going on. I just stopped talking to him and gave up. I wish I had at least wrote the letter for closure but I didn't.<P>Anyhow, I remember what it was like to sit and wait and wonder. I absolutely hated it. Some days I recall doing better than others. What helped me was to focus on my kids, and my friends. Try to surround yourself with all those that care about you.<P>Its hard to say whether the WS is truly thinking of us or not. I would guess they are. I would guess that initial stage would have them really confused. Even so, this time is for you to use to heal as well. <P>I'm no expert at Plan A and Plan B, and it was over a year ago that I was dealing with them, but isn't Plan B supposed to either restore the WS to the BS, or help the BS go on and let go of all that love after they tried to save the relationship? Again I'm no expert, and we will never "not" love our ex's in some way, but I'm just saying, maybe you can focus on YOU! I know its hard, but hang in there, and vent and post and we'll be here for you!<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>