I've never felt so sad and so rejected in my whole life. I took my ring off last night. It was a symbol of a never-ending love and commitment. In reality it was a love and commitment that never existed, at least not for her.<P>She says she has no energy left, nothing left with which to try. She's basically saying "I can't." The more truthful statement is "I won't." But it's easier for her to see this not as a decision she made, but a situation she has no control over.<P>She tells me she's angry because 3 years ago, she saw big problems. She felt that I was depressed, not meeting her needs, withdrawn, afraid of change. She want me to get into counseling, get things fixed or better. She feels like I did nothing. I did do some, but not enough. For what ever reason, I didn't get my [censored] in gear. And that's the bulk of the problem now. I was wrong of me not to get to work. <P>In the past few months I have shifted into high gear. I've learned a lot here. I've gone to counseling. I know how to make our marriage work and I want to get working with her. She says I've got some nerve expecting her to just get to work because <I> I'm </I> ready.<P>I was sick and wrong for not working when she was ready, and I'm sick and wrong for expecting her to work when I'm ready…<P>My marriage is over. I can't discuss any of this with her when the rules change form one second to the next. Nothing I say, no matter how smart, logical, correct, moral, loving, caring…nothing can touch her.<P>She has a boyfriend. She says he's got nothing to do with this.<P>I can't friggin' believe it, but my marriage is over.<P>I'm going to cry for a while now. Please keep my family in your prayers.<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

Bill,<P>Man I feal every inch of pain that you feel and for every tear that you cry I will have cried one with you. Your situation sounds almost like a carbon copy of mine. I am getting help and willing to do anything to save my marriage. Just like you, I waited to long and all I hear is "it's to late". We plan on living together through the end of May. Regrettably, I have no advice to offer. I am reading many books and trying new things. My approuch right now is to always show happiness (it's a lot harder than it sounds and I've slipped occasionaly). I try to avoid talking about the "D" but it does get discussed. I have focused on myself and started working out, after I lost 40 pounds, I iron my clothes, and I try to always look nice. Since, my stbxw says that she has never been happy and that she's never been in love, I've started taping a "Memory of the Day" to the mirror each morning. I've only done this for a few days, so I don't know if it will help. I believe that she is only seeing what she wants to see and since she is in a negative state of mind she is only seeking negative memories. I'm trying not to act like I am pursueing her by begging, pleading, crying, logical conversation, or catering to her moods. From what I have read and from past experience, if I were to pursue her she would be gone a lot sooner.<P>You've got my thoughts and prayers. I like you want my family in tact.<P><BR>Love, Bill

*Hugs* Oh, I know that "I can't believe this is happening" feeling so well. It's a killer and I'm so sorry every time I read that someone else is going through it too.<BR> Just let yourself feel the pain and experience it as fully as you can. It's the only way I was able to purge myself of the worst of it. Things will get better Bill, I know how trite that sounds but they will. In the meantime make sure you are making yourself the first priority in your life. Our WS have taken enough from us all.

Thanks to both of you. Your words and prayers mean a lot to me. It's tough, part of me feels a little relief, but part of me still wants to hope and try. The latter scares the most. I've been hoping and trying for a long time and it hurts when the hopes get dashed. But...that's what I promised to do when we married, so I guess I need to get myself together and get back on track.<P>Thanks again,<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

If when hope dies do we? I surely hope not as I am still a little before your time yet - my W leaves May 1st & starts down the road either back to me or to a brand new life. I realize that although she sees much having changed in me she may be just only hoping for friendship & nothing more for our sons sake. I guess if the verdict is friends I will thank God for my prayers of remaining friends together but always apart for our son. My "hope" however, is a daughter for us & a sister for my son. . .<P>I guess I pray that if these hopes of ours die we can eventually in time, for it shall surely wait for us, change our hopes back to the dreams of the living. Right now I feel like the lead role in the movie "Dumb & Dumber" when he ask the girl of "his" dream if he has a chance. Her reply, as it turns out she is very happily married, of "one in a million (said quite sarcastically)" prompts the return response of "so your saying I have a chance? YEESSS!!!". <P>How many times are we not being realistic about our chances? How do you know when to give up on what all of us here believed was forever? The only thing I have heard that does not change is change itself, & that whatever does not kill us makes us stronger. I have read many of the post from those who have made it through the same fire some of us are just begining to feel the heat here & there is a serene quality that shows through, mixed with the strenght of those who endured a "trial by fire". <P>The answer always is time, to look back on the worst times of your life is to see but not quite feel a fading memory with the pain no longer associated with that bad time.<P>Slow & Steady (its not a race),<BR>God Bless & May the Son keep you Warm Tonight & Ever After,<BR>I will Pray for You for many Days & Nights, <P>------------------<BR>StarCrossed<p>[This message has been edited by starcrossed (edited April 13, 2001).]

wld and LostHusband,<P>I feel your anguish and sadness. I have been married for 22 years and having gone through many awful things I still love my wife and want to hold my family together. Unfortunately she does not feel the same. <P>My wife Rebecca has cheated on me a few times. She fell in love with her therapist back in 1987 (our daughter was 3 years old) and dragged me in to see Dr. Reilly so she could "give herself to him". He rejected her (as he was a happily married with children). We continued on. She hates him to date.<P>In 1999 she had an affair with a 60 year old man she met after she almost had and accident with him. She denied this for a year to two therapists one which was our Pastor. I assited her with the breakup of that relationship at her request in Christmas week of 1999. I told his wife of the affair on Christmas Eve. This man was described as a great listener, a father figure and someone that she wished I would be like at his age. She wanted to invite him for dinner and even suggested that we would make good friends. He has an extensive criminal record which includes the highlights several counts assualt and battery with a dangerous weapon and attempted rape. She slept with him and said that she was "fulfilled as a woman" by the experience.<P>In the same year she solicited my former bussiness partner after she convinced him to take her to his apartment for lunch. He said he rejected her advances (I don't beleive this) and she confided her affair to him. She has gone out with him recently for drinks.<P>She lied to our Pastor, her mother and other folks that tried to help us including a marriage therapist, used her sister and her place as a jump off point for her rendevous and had me removed from my house claiming to be a victim of domestic abuse under a restraining order so she could futher that relationship.<P>We have tried to put back the pieces of our sorry marriage-Counselled by our Pastor to do it God's way, sadly I have been the only responsive person. Our situation is dire in that having lost my job (dot-com lay-off) she had me arrested two months ago again claiming to be a victim of domestic abuse-filing charges of assault and battery. I have had to go to court and will be going to court to defend myself against these felonious carges as well as to redeem my reputation. I have tried to prevent this from going to court but cannot speak with my wife. She has told me that it's over and that the next conversation I would be having would be with her attorney. I have limited access to my children.<P>My wife is a very hateful and vindictive person. She hates her mom, sister, brother, my mother, my relatives, our Pastor and all people that advice her to have a forgiving heart and do what the Bible would prescribe for a marriage like ours. She obviously hates me! Her mother (surrogate) is her therapist of 8 years and I belive the influence to all our problems (some social worker).<P>I guess I am telling you all this because at times this situation eats me alive. Only my belief and faith in God carries me through the days and nights. I am still unemployed and fighting a system that unfortunately finds you guilty based on accusation. In my case there will be an investigation, witnesses will be interviewed and all the ugly truth will be revealed. <P>I have been told by my public defendant lawyer that he will eat her on the witness stand. I truly do not want this to go to that extent-there is too much dirt that will come to surface. My children will surely hear the things that they were never meant to hear.<P>I'll pray for both of you and ask you to pray for me. It is lonely to want what you cannot fix,as desperately as you try. I hold hope but it fades everyday that we get closer to a trial. Only God can fix what we as men (and women) cannot-put your faith and hopes on him no matter what.<P>flexeble

Sorry to hear this is happening to you, Bill. Seems there is more than a few MBers here in AZ who have had a bad time of things.<P>One thing that struck me: She said "She tells me she's angry because 3 years ago, she saw big problems."<P>And 3 years ago it wasn't a problem? Funny how it wasn't a big issue until she got a boyfriend, huh?<P>I'd guess she's re-writing history. I don't know the whole story, but my marriage was never in danger until X found the OM. Then all of a sudden we were "never meant to be" and she looked back on everything with a totally different view. Her wedding-day jitters suddenly became "a terrible feeling she was making a mistake." The day I proposed changed from the "happiest day of her life" to "I said yes, even though I knew it would never work out."<P>Her love and commitment for you existed at one time. She has just been blinded by the fog we all know too well.<P>You say you've been hoping and trying for a long time, but your hopes keep getting dashed? Okay...stop hoping. Focus on yourself, and live your life like she's already long gone. Don't expect her to come back, don't hope for it, and don't believe it will ever happen. Get on with your life without her.<P>That, more than anything else at this point, has the most power to change her behavior. I can tell you from personal experience...nothing irritates a WS more than the thought that you're moving on with your life. <P>Plan B seems like a good idea at this point.<BR>

Bill,<P>Yet another AZ to come to this site. Is there something in the air here? Very scary.<P>CJack is right. Focus on yourself. I know that is very hard to do at this time. It seemed that everything I could think of to do just made me more aware of my pain. But you will find things to do and people to support you.<P>Keep coming here for support, you will need all you can get right now. <P>Sounds like you were making some positive changes in yourself. Keep those up. Your stbxw may look back in regret in the not so distant future and you want to be the best you you can be at that time.<P>Quote:<BR>She's basically saying "I can't." The more truthful statement is "I won't." But it's easier for her to see this not as a decision she made, but a situation she has no control over.<P>This is my stbxh as well. The road out of the marriage is a lot easier for them especially when they already have someone else. It really sucks doesn't it?<P>Take care of yourself and your girls.<BR>

Bill,<P>I'm sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. You will find a lot of support here. Hugs, Dana<BR>

Thanks to all of you for your support. I've settled into the reality of the situation and re-focused on our girls. I hate what's happened and what my stbxw has done to our family, but we still have to be parents. We have to decide on and agree on a custody situation that will be best for our kids. I'm bummed, but I'm also glad to be heading in <I> a </I> direction. It's not the direction I'd hoped and prayed for, but this stagnant cr*p that we've been in for so many months has been really hard.<P>Keep us in your prayers!<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

Cjack your right, isnt funny how your spouse can have a problem with you but it doesnt really become a big problem untill they find someone else?. my wife did the same thing, once she found her "dream man" she went back and start second guessing all of her past feelings for me. Now she is sure that we were never meant to be together and her and this new guy are soulmate. They have so much in common that she and i never had...ya right.. they have one important thing in common they are BOTH MARRIED. Now she is all acting like she is the stongest woman in the world for taking a problem marriage and getting out of it. She is in this "I am WOMAN hear me roar" stage. I told her , if a person has a rock to roll up and hill and they are too weak to do it without someone else, and when the rock gets up the hill you cant stand there like you are the stongest person in the world, cause you were to weak to do it alone.