I do my best thinking in the bath/shower and the thought for today:<P> When I look around at this board at all the BS's and read what they have to write I'm struck by the depth of the love that all of you have for your WSs. I've seen very little in the way of true bile directed at these people, aside from the vents we all must do occasionally. Instead I see a bunch of people who despite being put through the shredder have managed to see past all that and still see their spouses/ex-spouses as human, subject to the weaknesses and frailties that all of us are. Where many other people would have turned on them and gone completely out of their way to destroy them most of you have kept "the porch light on" so to speak so these folks can find their way home again if they ever want to.<BR> I have to laugh when I hear about the great "romance" these WS's have with the OP. That "romance" is best regulated to dime store Harliquien novels. The real romance and real love is in the hearts of all of you who despite your pain, anger and hurt still are able to keep that light on for the people you vowed your lives to. That is real, that is genuine and when any of you feel that pang of hurt for your lost loved ones you should feel proud. You are the kinds of people that make the world a more tolerable place. Never lose that part of yourselves.

What a nice thought <P>I think many of us realize the transitory nature of affairs and hope that we can hold on long enough to let the affair run it's course & die it's own death. <P>I don't wish my STBx ill, because I know why she chose to leave & how the affair happened. It does sadden me to realize, that in all likelihood, she'll realize that our marriage really was worth saving, and that our family could have remained intact. Unfortunately, for many of us, the process lasts just a little bit longer than we can hold on for, and we give up, and move on. It's been 8 months since my wife left, and I feel the feelings I once had for her starting to ebb. I honestly hope she has a pleasant life, because I loved her too much to ever hate her, but I also loved her far too much to ever just "like" her. She is fast becoming nothing more to me than my sons mother, and that is the greatest loss I have experienced in my life.<P>I'm disappointed in her choice, but that's exactly what it was. Her choice. Not mine & not my sons. I'll come away with this with the knowledge that I didn't give up, quit, or run away. That I let her go and made sure she knew that no matter what, I still thought we were worth a try. Sometimes I still do, but that candle has nearly burned it's length. Once it's out, I'm going to wait awhile before I light another. Give myself a chance to get used to the dark for awhile....<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

oops <BR>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited April 10, 2001).]

Dear Nduli2 & the rest of the gang here at MB,<P>You have gone through so much. Many of us have. What we have learned is that love is an enduring quality. Unfortunately in our cases it has been tested to its limits. Can we stop loving our WS's? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. For most of us who have gone through all this pain, probably not. Will we have to go on with our our Ws's? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. <P>Our individual outlook will vary due to personalities and circumstances. I have learned here 'never to assume to know it all', 'never to be quick at judging the actions of others' and be aware of all in the fog and those who manipulate them. Life used to be pretty much black and white in my decisions. In many cases it still is. However, this heart stuff, our feelings that need to love, give love, have love, be in love is a real tugger. It causes us to rethink our values. How much is too much to give of ourselves? When are we being violated and taken advantage of? When do I stop being a doormat and start being a person that I am proud of? <P>These questions swim in my mind daily. The answers are hard and often make me cry. My husband does not know the full extend of his injury. He is only seeing his hurt at this time. I can see and feel the hurt to himself, my son, our friends, family, acquaintances, all of you here, to God and myself. This is a large burden to carry. Yet we chose to do it in an effort to find a solution or fix to our problem. <P>How I wish I could just unload it and walk away. But the reality of life is that I can not. Most OPs of this world can make a problem and walk away (and in some cases go do it again), some Ws's also try to do the same. But for the <BR>Bs's we live in the shadows of this despair trying hard to climb out of the pit we have been cast into. <P>My hat is off to all who have to strength to endure this awful mess in our lives. Special thanks to all who have worked not only helping themselves but others as well. I recently told my HR personnel that if it were not for this board, I don't know how I would be able to cope. I do not have the finances at this time to invest in counselors as much as I know I need. You here have helped me through this rough time (hey, don't send me a bill, I can only repay in kindness). She responded by saying it is a good thing that I found this site. <P>So thanks to all of you out there. Keep up the good work. Thanks for making me think positive & for saving me.<P>L. <P>

Sniff. Sniff.<P>You guys almost make it sound like an honor to be here.<P>

I'm very new around here, but I have looked over most of the recovery, Plan A/B and divorce forums. I have learned so much from all of you that have had the misfortune to be there before me. <P>I must say that Nick has given me a renewed strength with his post in this thread. I'm struggling right now with Plan A. But I do love my wife deeply and still want her to be the person I grow old with. I want to take care of her, I want to be with her, I want to love her. I see now that I must hang on to this dream as long as I can, and then some. Time is a tool that I don't know how to use, and the pain I feel now tempts me every day to give up. I too want to be able to say that I gave it all I could. And in the end, if it still doesn't work out, I will know it wasn't for a lack of effort. While at the end of this path I might not have a wife, I can still have pride in knowing that I have done all that I can do. This is what I percieve as my commitment to "for better or for worse". <P>I now see love as a mixed blessing of sorts. The love I have for my W is overwhelming to her. It over powers my thoughts, my pain and my feelings of betrail. This same wonderful love that I have for her, hurts both of us. It keeps me from running when I really want to and it confuses her when she want to leave. <P>Thanks for all of your posts guys. Can something good come out of all this disaster, with this board it already has.<P>40

Hey -40,<P>That is the right perspective to have. Keep trying as long as you can, but always remember that if for some reason it doesn't work out the way you want it to right now, you didn't give up, you gave it your best shot, and you tried to save your marriage. I know how difficult it is and how much it hurts, but I know now that it does get better, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.<P>Your screen name struck me 'cause I dumped a lot of weight. Way too much & I still haven't put any back on, after 8 months. Dramatic weight loss is one of many symptoms of situational depression. Loss of focus and trouble sleeping are two of the others I've experienced. Just something to be aware of. If the problem persisists, sometimes a talk with your doctor might help. Just my $0.02...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited April 11, 2001).]

Thanks Nick,<P>When my first D-day happend, (the EA) I went about changing all of the things she thought I needed to change. One of them was a lack of self worth/esteem. I didn't like the way I have looked for many years so I thought that would be a great place to start. I dropped the weight way to fast, but I did it as healthy as I could. I looked at her weight watchers material and used it as a starting point. Lots of fruit and vegis, and workouts for an hour every day. 30 minutes on the tread mill and 30 minutes of lifting weights and the dreaded crunches! Oh that still hurts!<P>Situational depression? Yeah been there. I was getting one to two hours a night, loss of appatite and crying sessions. I never lost my focus and could make decisions well. I was not tired, but I didn't feel rested either. I talked with both my counselor and my family doctor about this. I got some sleeping pills, but they never really did work. In the end, what made me sleep better was just getting closer to my W at night. If I hold her or she holds me, I sleep like a baby. Maybe that feeling of security or the feeling of being needed or wanted during all of this mess is what I needed. I'm not sure why, but it has worked almost every night. I was a troubled sleeper before this too.<P>Your advice has really given me new strength. You should be very proud of yourself that you, (like many others here) have been able to help someone else. I will see this through to the end knowing full well that the choice was hers all along and that I tried all that I could to make the changes needed to make a more friendly enviroment. For the time being, I still love her. It might not be with all my heart like it once was, but I can try to recover that too. <P>I actually went from 205 down to 157 in 10 weeks. Way too much and much more than I wanted to lose. I have since rebounded a little, 165. I would like to stabilize around 175 but right now I'm just moving the weight around a bit. Taking it off trouble areas and putting where I want it. Thanks for your concern.<P>Take care everyone.<P>40<P>

My friend 40:<BR>I am so glad that these posts have gotten to you. You are a wonderful man who had a great family before selfishness and fantasy took it over. Just hang in there and the fog will lift. I will continue to do the same. Some days will be better (or worse) than others. But we know where we want to be, with our spouses, with our family, healthy and happy.<BR>God bless you and all others here.

Nduli;<BR>I asked where you were on the REcovery board and Orchid was kind enough to tell me you were posting here.<P>I was just reading posts and it occured to me that you havent been there lately and I was wondering where you were.<P>I dont have any wonderful words of advice or wisdom for today but was just missing your posts and wondered how you were.<P>Scuba...

Nduli2<P>I am late to reply. Your post echoed my sentiments. Sometimes I wonder if I am weak or just plain scared. But you know what, it has nothing to do with weakness, For me(and most of us here) it has to do with the commitment and depth of love I (we) had/have for our spouses.<BR>I am left so darned low and feeling unworthy to be loved. In trying to like myself, I will think about what you wrote in not losing that part of ourselves (feeling the pain and loss). I would not have it any other way and I am proud that I have the capacity to love with my whole heart.<BR>Thanks,<BR>Petrie

Hi Scuba I wish I were still on the recovery boards but unfortunately the now stbx had no interest in recovering and went right for the D, from 0 to 180 in a day. The man is completely out of his mind and I'm now watching Rome fall since I left. An update on the h:<P>Will have to declare bankrupcy<BR>Has now bounced 4 checks this month, does not know how to handle the bills. I took care of all the finances and our bills were the same and I never bounced a check.<P>I swear I'm married to Wile E. Coyote and he's now at the bottom of the ravine with his tiny umbrella waiting for the two ton boulder to fall on his head.<P>I get little hints that he wants to talk to me, he called three times on Weds and I wouldn't pick up. If he really wants to talk he will e-mail me and tell me to call or what he wants. I've let him know that I will no longer talk to him on he phone unless he has any second thoughts and would like to talk about our relationship openly and honestly. I'm tired of being hurt by him. Gotta do what ya; gotta do.

Nduli2:<BR>Hello!! well...you sound better than last time I was reading your posts, and I think it sure beats the heck outta the tears. Yeah..you gotta do what you gotta do and you do reach a point (or will) when YOU will choose not to persevere anymore. I certainly hope that if your husband decides to be honest with you and reconcile that his time to be welcomed back has not passed. You cannot do all of it when he doesnt want to help or communicate.<P>Will keep you in thoughts and prayers. <BR>Happy Easter <P>