Hi all,<P>Wanted to get some reaction on the following letter I will be sending to my wife. She is still consumed by "the fog" and the final details of the divorce are currently being ironed out. Keep in mind that she is very, very stubborn but has a super-strong conscience and hates guilt with a passion. I don't expect a reaction to the note. With that said, let me know your thoughts...<P><BR>----------------------------------------------------<BR>Xxxxxx,<P>I know it is kind of strange that I still call you my "wife" as it is written on this card - I am sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. While this card says many of the things I feel, the sad part is that this card is written in "the present", but for us what it refers to is "in the past" - at least as far as you are concerned. For me you will always hold a special place in my heart (in the past, in the present and in the future).<P>Last Easter season I lost someone very special to me - This Easter season it seems like I will be officially (legally) letting that same person "go". It is so sad, but amazingly I have realized that love really does not go away. While my feelings for you have changed over the past year, the love is always right there below the surface. Sure I can avoid it and forget about it, but all I really need to do is think back to a special time we spent together (on my parents couch, eating TCBY and watching Stealing Home) and all the feelings come right back, no matter who I am with - I often wonder if you have ever tried the same? <P>While you believe what you are doing is "right", I know in the bottom of my heart, it is not. Yes it is true, I will admit it here - I have been wrong a few times in my life But on this issue I bet my life and everything I have, that I am not. While I can't change your mind or your heart, I can give you one more gift - I can let you leave my life with an example of what true love really is: You see my love for you is "in-spite" of everything we have gone through and in-spite of the disregard for your vows. Over the past two years I have really learned what it means to love someone without expecting anything in return - an unconditional love. It has been a hard lesson to learn, but one worth the effort. I sit and think back about how my love has changed for you since we met (from "ditto" all the way up to "goodbye"). Throughout the years there were times when we both abused that love, but I always thought that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I guess to you I was just a passing phase. Know that you were never that to me.<P>My love for you is true - it has always been. My life won't end without you, but my heart will be broken. Know that you are doing this for you and you alone - not for the good of us both. Please grant me some respect in that you never say that you are "getting divorced for the good of Mike, even though he may not know it at this time". For that would be an utter falsehood. <P>Easter is a time for us to reflect on the love God has for us and for the sacrifices He made for that love. When put in that light, the sacrifices I have made and continue to make for you are not asking a lot. Call me a fool, call me weak, call me whatever you like - Believing in you and in the love we once shared is and always will be a noble cause for which I would fight. Since you have been gone EVERYTHING I have done has not been done to prove you wrong or make you any less of a person, it has been done because I loved you and still believe in the commitment we made to each other, and I worry about the mistake you are making. For you to consider reconciliation would not be a sign of weakness, it would be the biggest show of strength you have ever displayed (in the opinions of myself and of many people - friends, family and strangers).<P>I expect or desire no reaction to this note from you - that is not its intention. Any/all feelings you have are yours and yours alone. I do pray that you will be able to find the happiness for which you are so desperately searching. Know that this is your decision, it has always been. If before a divorce is granted, you should ever have a tinge of confusion or doubt, maybe you owe it to us both to think things through and talk to me honestly and truthfully - I will always be there and willing to listen (no matter the time or day). <BR>Nothing is more important than love, remember that always…<P>I miss you Xxxxxx,<BR>Love,<BR>Mike<P>---------------------------------------------<P>Any thoughts??????<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Mike,<P>Your letter was beautiful. Brought a few tears to the eye. I would love to say much of the same to my STBX. You will serve as inspiration to me.

Very honorable, humble, and very thoughtful. I really would not expect less from you. You have expressed beautifully in words what I have always wanted to say to my ex. Can I copy and paste? If she does not respect or respond to your words now, believe me, she will one day. Her pride may prevent her from saying so. Your strength and faith is what will make you heal faster than she. Little consolation, but it is true. <BR>

Mike,<BR>For me this "no contact" thing is/was killing me. So about a month ago, I too wrote a letter with very similar content to yours (it is kind of eerie just how similar my letter was to yours). I had to express myself and felt I had nothing to lose in doing so. <P>No, we don't know how our letters will be recieved. But when you think about it, all we are doing is expressing ourselves from our hearts and re-interating just how deep our love is/was for our spouses. For me, it is nothing but good to express our love and feelings.<P>Petrie<BR>

Wow. Gorgeous. How absolutely wonderful.<P>

Mike,<P>That letter was beautiful. I never wrote a letter of any sort to my ex afterwards because he was living with OW and I knew he'd show it to her, and I had to look at her everytime they came for a pickup, but if I had, my letter probably would have been very similar. Good luck, Dana<BR>

Mike, like HopelassinAZ I thought you letter was awesome. It does not present anything in a threating manner I have been wanting to write something similar just didn't know how. Hope you don't mind if I use it as a model.<P>Thanks<P>Much Love, Bill<P>There is nobody so blind as someone who refuses to see.

Thanks to all. I had the opportunity to go out on a drive this afternoon after I posted the letter here. While driving I began to think the letter through in my head once again. You see the last thing I want to do is "argue my point" via a letter or try to get her to see that "she is wrong". Because at this point, who is right and who is wrong is so not important. The most important thing to me is opening my wife's spirit up to me again.<P>I have been trying so hard not to judge her or to use religion and God as leverage for her to come back/change her mind (did this a lot in the beginning). Part of the problems we had was in my always being "right". Yes I can be stubborn <P>When I read your comments and I re-read the letter I think there are only a couple things I will change. Minor things in the "way" I worded my thoughts. During my little drive I prayed for humility and to not sound "holier than thou". I think the letter is "just" about ready...<P>On a side note:<P>It is kind of funny that some friends, family and even my wife can be construing my actions as weak, unable to move on, sad, maybe even pathetic. While at the same time I view this as the strongest I have ever been in my life both emotionally and spiritually. Some view me as being scared of being by myself. You know what I am scared, scared I will never get to hold my wife again. Not scared that I would never hold another woman, scared I would never be able to hold HER. But being by myself is no problem whatsoever. I choose to fight for my love.<P>I guess what I am trying to say is that for all of you here that believe in trying/sacrificing/working on your marriages - be damned proud of yourselves. Don't let the doubts and opinions of others sway you - you may even be getting mixed signals from the family members you hold the closest. If you are sticking up for love and for your marriage, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!!!!!!! And you are strong!<P>God grant all of us here the patience to await your help, the perseverence to continue to live and grow in these days of great despair, and the love for ourselves and for our spouses so that we may always work for Your good and to allow You the opportunity to repair our marriages.<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Mike, <P>Your letter was absolutely beautiful and obviously, 100% from the heart. <P>I really don’t see how ANYONE can think you are either “weak” or “pathetic” based on your actions over the past year. You have always conducted yourself with passion, composure, honesty and YOUR feelings. Be proud of who you are, where you have been, where you are now and where you are going. One day, I don’t know when, but one day, your wife will regret her decision. I’m really not expecting much of a response from her on this letter, but if she ever truly loved you, it is going to hit home to her. Mark my words, she will read it many times over and will probably keep it for some time.<P>Just remember, EVERYTHING happens for a reason and there is a plan for all of us. You never cease to impress me, my friend. You are a true gem.<P>Here’s to our summers…..<P>Shawn<BR>

Dear ST2000,<P>You are truly a man with style and grace. Not weak by any means but powerful enough to allow your heart to speak. I am deeply impressed when a man can truly speak from his heart. Your written words were moving, touching the soul. <P>May these words touch your wife's heart. The affect may not show immediately but in time it will show. Oh how I wish my H could write to me as you did. I know all you men out there have that ability. Don't be afraid to show it. It is not demeaning in any way. <P>It was clearly written yet with the balance of firmness and tact. This is often hard to do. Take a pat on the shoulder for this one. You deserve it. <P>At the very least we here a all touched by what you have written. May our attempts at reaching our spouses be stated as well as you have. <P>If someone wrote that to me, I would melt. If I was guilty of doing something wrong and my spouse was trying to reach my heart, this would definitely work for me. Ok, I will stop getting so mushy. <P>Thanks for the encouragement, I wish you well on this step. Hoping for some good news. <P>Please take care, <BR>L.

Ah Mike,<P>I found your letter very masterful in combining a sense of closure while still offering hope. There is no weakness in that, rather the strength to hold a piece of your heart open when it would be so easy to close that door forever.<P>We hold out longer than most, in these situations, because we se the good in our relationships that makes them worth the effort of saving. It is unfortunate indeed that that our spouses cannot truly see what it is they are casting aside.<P>Even if the words don't move her heart, the spirit that created them will be with you always. And that is a great gift in itself.<P>You show great courage to stand up and try again. I hope she sees that.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Mike,<P>Insecure Rejected here!<P>You know, I don't always completely express myself here, as I just don't have the time, so you all don't know just how eloquent I can be.<P>I have written just such a letter to my husband. I'd hope I would get the same reaction as you have from everyone here at MB. <P>I'm pretty low right now and just not liking myself, so just chalk it up to low self esteem. I can't expect people to read my mind, but I just wanted you to know that I have expressed myself similarly to you.<BR>Thanks,<BR>Petrie

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoTired2000:<BR><B>You see the last thing I want to do is "argue my point" via a letter or try to get her to see that "she is wrong". Because at this point, who is right and who is wrong is so not important.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>ST2000, <P>Absolutely beautiful letter. It's truly written from your heart. It's a tear jerker. It's gotta stir some kind of feelings in her, unless she's some Pygmalian rock.<P>Referencing the above, that was the only thing I was going to mention. The phrase, "mistake you are making" stood out to me. The only other comment I would have would be to put yourself in her mind set, on the receiving end, and possibly reword some things a little more delicately so as not to sound blaming.<P>When she does ever come down to reality, quite possibly not until she matures in age, or experiences other relationships that aren't "the white picket fence" kind either, she'll hopefully see the strength in your actions, the strengh in wanting to try to work on things. It's not stronger to turn away, to not face the underlying problems. My husband thinks that way too, that it took a lot of "strength" to say "I'm not happy," to finally get up and leave. And on one hand, I commend him on recognizing that he needs a change, but on the other hand I don't admire him because he is still avoiding. Unrealistic people like that think that other people are responsible for their happiness. Realistically, it's his inability to deal w/ his avoiding behavior (up to this point anyways, I do think he's learning) that led to his "taker" taking over in such a dramatic fashion (moving out).<P>I hope the rest of the process goes peacefully for you. It would feel a little nice to know that people like your wife & my husband ever feel regret towards their actions in our marriages. We have already experienced that feeling. Take Care and Happy Holidays!<BR>

Thanks to you all for your kind words and encouragement. <P>Up until last week I thought that maybe I had "left" the roller-coaster of emotions - but unfortunately my seatbelt is still tightly buckled and I just came back down into a steep drop. One day maybe I will be allowed to unbuckle and get off this killer ride!<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Mike, I think the day you get off that ride is the day you will cease to care. Is that really what you want?<P>Personally, I don't think the ride is so bad. Some of it's kind of fun, some of it's kind of scary, some of it hurts, some of it I don't like at all. I've found I don't get as banged up if I just go with it, instead of bracing myself against it. And it helps to look up and appreciate the view instead of looking down at the long drop ahead of me.<P>I have sent letters like yours to my wife, the most recent one for Valentine's Day. However, after my wife left me last July, she stated her intention not to read any letters I sent her. My wife has a very soft heart, so to harden it she has had to take great care to keep it refrigerated. I keep hoping that one of these days the power will go out...<BR>

Mike,<P>I'm going to be blunt. I'm going to print out your letter and think about it and pray about it before I tell you what I really think. I do have one quick question for you (as only I would!)--what is your purpose in sending this letter? Why are you sending it? Why now? What do result/response are you trying to illicit (if any)? What is the main reason you are trying to say this--and why? <P>Can you answer those for me? Thanks. I think it will help me contemplate what you wrote if I know what your goal is.<P><BR>{{{{{{{{{{Mike}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>CJ<P>P.S. It's Easter, my brother. Time for death and mourning for what seems like a HUGE loss--but a time to depend on God's promises of new life even better than before. Be reborn, Mike--don't be afraid.

<BR>CJ<BR>Excellent P.S.!<P><BR>I love how I can get answers just by reading posts from others.<P>Rejected

CJ,<P>Thank you. <P>Bullseye.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

CJ,<P>In my eyes this is the last big re-inforcement of my feelings on "us". Over the past weeks/months I have become distant from my wife to help me get over the pain. Our divorce looks like it will become final in the next few weeks. What I don't want is for my wife to begin to rationalize that I am in "any" way in favor of this divorce - that it is 100% her decision - that I still love her after everything we have been through.<P>While this is not a "last ditch" effort on my part, it may be the last emotional effort...<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Mike,<P>I have looked at your letter, and I am going to be honest with you and I'm not going to sugar-coat my opinion. But know this before you even start reading my thoughts: I think VERY highly of you, and I consider you to be one of a couple of true friends I have on this forum. Your insights and spirituality have taught me so much, that I feel like I owe you a debt of gratitude that I will never be able to repay. But, since I respect you like that, I cannot in good faith give you anything less than my honest opinion.<P>So... here it is. Since I know you, I think I understand what you were trying to say and what you were trying to do here: you were trying to pour out your heart to your (literally) soon to be ex-wife for one last time. You were trying to express that you still love her, there is still a chance to reconcile, and that the divorce is entirely her decision. You want her to know that if she would even have the smallest thought of trying again, you would be receptive. Likewise, you thing the divorce is a mistake and if it is finalized, it was 100% based on her needs and desires, not yours. <P>However, I printed out your letter on plain paper and I read it last night as if I was the one receiving it, and one re-occurring theme jumped out at me to the point that I will mention it to you. If I were receiving this letter, the impression that I would receive is very disrespectful. In your first paragraph you say that it is conceivable that being called "wife" may make your stbx uncomfortable. Then why are you calling her that? I'm not crabby here--I'm pointing out that a buddy of yours told you he felt uncomfortable being called something ("sugar buns"--haha), YOU WOULD STOP! Even if she is going to be your X, you should give her the same respect you would give a buddy. <P>I liked the way you were a little sentimental in the second paragraph. It is looking back at the "good old days" and looking at the "present" that can start to rekindle love, and maybe (hopefully) she will remember that some of the times with you were good.<P>The next paragraph was ... gee I hate to say this. If I received this letter, I would think the third paragraph was preachy. I know that in your heart of hearts you think this divorce is wrong and is not your choice; however, in this paragraph you speak for her. Now, granted, her head may not exactly be on straight, but it is pretty presumptive of you to tell her what is right and wrong. See, Mike, she is like an alcoholic who is still drinking. She wants her freedom (liquor) and while she has her freedom (liquor) she enjoys it and loves it and is kind of a slave to it. But like an alcoholic, SHE needs to realize that the freedom (liquor) is bad for her and is destructive. SHE needs to relaize it for herself. And like an alcoholic, the more you preach at her about how her liquor is "wrong" and how her liquor will "hurt her", the more she will cling to it. I was particularly concerned about the sentence where you wrote: "You see my love for you is 'in spite' of everything we have gone through and in spite of the disregard for your vows." <P>The paragraph about how she is doing this for herself and not "for the good of Mike" ...well I have to admit that I liked that paragraph. It was short, to the point, and you said what you had to say without a judgemental attitude--you just said it. I like that!<P>Next paragraph, about the sacrifices you have made: I just want to give you a challenging thought, Mike. Haven't someof the things you have done been to improve yourself as a man and as a husband? Haven't you realized some of the mistakes that you made and taken steps to become the man God wants you to be? In fact, EVERYTHING you have done has been to come closer to the will of God and come closer to the kind of man you have the potential to be--not because you love her and still believe in that vow. And the part that you wrote about "...I worry about the mistake you are making." WOW! That is hugely disrespectful to her. Trust me, I know that you wholeheartedly believe with every fiber of your being that this is a mistake and you two are married for life. I truly understand that. HOWEVER, whether she is following God's will now or not, whether she is being a willful human now or not, once again you are presuming to speak FOR HER. She is the alcoholic, remember? She thinks her drinking makes her feel good, and if it feels good how can it be bad? Who cares if it hurts you, IT IS GOOD FOR ME. Remember that? So when you speak for her, and tell her what is right and wrong, and what is and is not a mistake, you are taking away her own authority over her own life. Think of a parent (you) and a teenager (her). The parent often has to sit back and let the teenager go headlong into a mistake in order for the teenager to learn the lesson--the teenager can't see it just by being told. And the parent is the most gracious when they allow the teenager to make the mistake and then DOESN'T RUB THE TEENAGER'S NOSE IN IT! <P>Finally, and in conclusion, in your last paragraph you are basically letting her know that if she would even consider trying again, it would be courageous--but you suggest that she owes it to "us both" to talk to you honestly and truthfully. That sounds as if you think she is not being honest and truthful now. I know that sounds picky, and I also know that in many ways she actually IS NOT being honest with herself, but think about an alcoholic, buddy. <P>In summary, the feeling that I got by reading this letter as if I were getting it myself was that I felt disrespected. "I've told you I feel uncomfortable being called wife, and you do it anyway. I've told you that I think my decision is right for me, and you keep preaching to me about how wrong I am and what a mistake it is. You speak FOR me, not with me. You are blaming me 100% for the break up of our marriage and it wasn't only me." That's the overwhelming sentiment.<P>Now, I realize that your goal was to communicate to your stbx that you would still be receptive to reconciliation--even now; that you do not want this divorce; that you still love her and see her value; and that you want to honor your vows. I want to tell you something, Mike. Reconciling is the absolutely hardest thing in the world to do. You know how the love songs say, "I'm not like him" or "I won't break your heart like she did"--well if you reconcile it will still be HER and you will still be YOU. It absolutely really is the bravest thing in the world to do: to try again with the same person it failed with before! <BR>UGH!! But knowing you as I do, Mike, it is your job to encourage her to be courageous--to leap when she can not see where she is going to land. And if that's the case, well then here is my suggestion: I suggest that you send a follow up letter. <P>In your follow up letter, tell her that you suddenly realized that you have not been getting her message. Tell her that although you heard with your ears, you did not get the message when she told you things like she did not want you to call her wife. Keep the emphasis on yourself and what you now realize are the ways that you expected her opinion to match yours, the ways that you TOLD her what she thought rather than listening to what she thought, the ways that you saw things only as "right and wrong" and didn't allow for differences. <P>You want to talk about a hard lesson? Here's a hard lesson: Admitting to yourself, "I was wrong. Me. I was insensitive. I was unforgiving and I still am. I was rigid in my thinking. I was stern and analytical when she needed a shoulder to cry on." You know what you've done, Mike. I have confidence in that. Unfortunately, your lovely letter, in which you tried so hard to express encouragement, loving memories, and hope did not communicate that you knew that. So, as your dear, best friend, and as a chick, I am asking you to reconsider your letter and do the hardest thing possible. Be brave and swallow your pride. Now, if I know you at all, you have already spoken of all these things to your wife long ago--admitted to yourself and to her the ways in which you contributed to your marital problems. BUT, here is the part that does not seem fair (and to be honest with you, is one of my own personal weaknesses as well). Right now, SHE wants YOU to be the one who was wrong, the one who will make changes, the one who will chase after her, and the one who in most affects leads the way. If you want her to be brave and give love a chance, she wants you to jump into the fire first and take the risk first. <P>I know, I know...it seems nuts to me too. Why in the WORLD should I, CJ, chase after my H after the way he threw me to the side and trampled on me? Well, because he wants and needs to feel like he is worth it. He wants me to risk first, and be open first, and all that--and between you and I, Mike, I feel like "it's not fair!" But OH WELL!! I truly believe that God expects ME to teach this to my H, whether it is easy for me or not. Same for you, buddy boy. It's not fair, but the fact is, we are going to have to lead our spouses into a higher spiritual life and a happy married life! <P>So, know that I truly care about you man, and know that I respect you TREMENDOUSLY or I would never, ever presume to talk to you like this--but you are my true friend, and I thought you deserved the truth.<P>Happy Easter, Mike.<P><BR>CJ<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.