Catchy subject line - maybe I could get a job writing for the Enquirer? <p>Unfortunately, it's true, it's horrible and I have been living with it for 13 years in our marriage. But I guess I can't help laughing just a little as I actually see it in type, prime fodder for Jerry Springer on a good day.<p>Anyway, I would deeply appreciate anyone here who will read my ordeal (I promise to try to keep it honest, factual and even entertaining) and give me any feedback you can offer. Since it has been going on so long and I have never discussed it with anyone (I have been covering for him with family and friends all this time), I honestly could use some objective feedback.<p>Here's the deal - he and I have three school age kids, and a successful growing business that has really begun to take off. I will start off by saying that there's no denying that there are long hours, I can be a pain in the @$$ to work with sometimes, and since it is a technology related business there is stress up the wazoo on a regular basis.<p>This afternoon he left work to run a few errands. We spoke on this car phone while he was out and he told me very matter of factly that he had finished his errands, and he was on his way back to work and would be there in 20 minutes or so. He never showed up. This is the third time this has happened in the last month - and the jillionth time since we have been married. When it got to be 7pm, I knew he wasn't coming home tonight. At 11pm I put the kids to bed and went to go look for him at - you guessed it - one of several high buck gentlemen's clubs that he frequents.<p>What was I doing going down there to find him? Well, not for a confrontation - not this time anyway. I had been reading this site before I left, so I definitely was not out to pick a fight. I waited until closing time and sure enough he came out the door and headed to his car. I was waiting there for him, to give him a ride home. He was in no condition to drive after more than 6-8 hours of drinking and lap dances. If I hadn't, we're talking DWI or worse. (Especially since several of the local strip clubs are adjacent to the City Hall and the police dept.) <p>There were selfish reasons why I went to get him too. It was much less stressful than staying home imagining the worst. I just couldn't stay awake again for a whole night wondering if or when he would show up, or if this time he had been in some horrible accident. The fear, apprehension and anxiety were just too much to bear - so I decided to go find him and drive him home instead.<p>So, the bottom line is that at the most unpredictable times he will just flip out, hit the bank cash machine and spend the entire night hopping from one strip bar to another. On any given binge, he will spend $300-600. The next morning he will be so sorry and vow never to do it again.<p>Why strip bars? Unfulfilled sexual needs in our marriage? Perhaps, but unlikely. I'd do it 3x a day if he asked, and he knows it. I remind him regularly that any request in that department, would likely be obliged - so I can't say this is the issue.<p>He says it is escape thing, and he likes all the attention the dancers give him. He claims he does it if he is under a lot of stress, and it is a vice that he just can't resist. He knows that he will regret the consequences later, but he doesn't know why he does it anyway.<p>He takes medication for ADD (a mental disorder), and seemingly has suffered from depression for a long time. He is fully awware of this, but simply takes the prescription from doctors office and skips the opportunity for a sit down appointment every month. I also half suspect that there is some undiagnosed manic-depressive behavior going on here, which might explain why he is perfectly rational one minute, and driving straight to the strip bar in the middle of the work day the next minute.<p>Since I think of myself as fairly open minded, I am not so annoyed that he is around naked women when he goes off on a binge - as much as the fact that he cares so little for my feelings or our kids that he would leave us worried, panicked and upset all night long wondering where he is. All the while he is paying another women cash money to spend time with him, and provide him companionship. No kidding - it costs $20-40 to get a dancer to sit and have a drink with you for 15 minutes at one of these places.<p>Despite all this, I really do love him. Naturally we all rely on him too because of the family and business, and most of the time I do enjoy being with him. He can be a very wonderful person and father. Hell, when he IS home he does all the cooking for the kids, he loves it and he's good at it too - and they adore him in return. However, this self destructive behavior is either going to get him arrested, killed or completely bankrupt us.<p>The emotional baggage aside, I also resent the huge amounts of money he spends on these binges. I work really hard (sometimes 70-80 hours a week), go shopping 3x a year if I am lucky, and wish I had more time to spend with our kids.<p>It is beginning to seem like the amount I earn/save for our family, vacations (maybe a new car, etc.) is equally proportionate to what he spends at strip clubs. I feel like I am enabling him, making it possible for him to enjoy this lifestyle and supporting his addiction. Heck, I am paying for nose-candy for the strippers when our kids could really use some new clothes instead. Why work at all?<p>So, it comes down to this, I could use some suggestions in two areas:<p>(1) What to do about the family and business financial well-being? I'm not ready to divorce him, but maybe I need a lawyer anyway? Either I remove his access to our business accounts, or we risk going under. What to do? Of course taking these actions isn't showing much trust on my part, but I just can't see another alternative. Do I cut him off, or dare to give him another chance like last time?<p>(2) Most importantly, what the heck to do about our relationship, the kids and the apparent mental afflications that he is always too busy to address. (He says he'll make an appt. with the psychistrist as soon as he gets caught up on his work). If the kids ask me one more time if Dad is at the bar tonight, I think I will just about die.<p>Suggestions, anyone?<p>[This message has been edited by Dudette (edited 02-11-99).]

**edited**<p>[This message has been edited by slowlerner (edited 02-16-99).]

Hi Dude,<p>Drugs, not too likely - just the alcohol. Prostitutes? In the somewhat distant past, yes. Within the last 5-6 years? I don't think so. He claims not, and I tend to believe him, but now that you mention it it's hard to say for sure.<p>First thing this morning he got on the phone and tried to schedule an appointment with his doctor who is overseeing his prescription medication for the ADD and depression. I didn't ask him to do it, he just did. Well, guess what? He spend over two hours of the phone today playing phone tag and voicemail hijinx with the mental health office at his clinic. I overheard him being extremely persistant with each person he spoke with, explaining how urgent he felt it was that he make immediate arrangements before the end of the week to consult or even speak to a doctor or therapist. <p>Late this afternoon his Dr. finally returned his call and essentially told him to get lost. Can you believe it? Apparently he insinuated that 'therapy' was not his gig, he just prescribes medication for this type of thing. I felt bad for him. He was trying to take some action, and by the end of the day nothing had been accomplished or arranged.<p>Regrettably, there have been a few other doctors/therapists on-and-off over the past 10 years with about the same results. All these times he sought treatment on his own volition, just like this morning. They all tended to completely sidestep the one main issue (disappearing in the middle of the workday, strip clubs, chronic over spending, and not coming home all night). They seemed to dwell on other issues that arguably were a lot less self-destructive, and certainly less damaging to our relationship and family. You'd think it would be more important to put out the forest fire, before brushing the ashes off your sleeve. Go figure.<p>I'm sure counseling might certainly be beneficial for me too, and am pursuing it. But, equally as helpful at this point would be to put some more practical planning into place first. I need to follow through with some sort of rational and reasonable course of action to protect our family against his destructive behavior. If he were to injure or kill someone in his car after a night at Solid Gold or DejaVu, we could lose our house, business and the ability to provide our kids a college education - and he would be in jail. Also, if he continues to finance his alternate lifestyle with the company business funds, either we're bankrupt or in trouble with the IRS. <p>Any way you dice it, it would seem that I would join him in some real jeopardy, legal or otherwise, if I don't put some radical preventative measure into place. Regardless of whether he, I, both of us and/or our kids go to counselling every week for the rest of our lives and live happily ever after.<p>This is the tough part to figure out, and I'm extremely doubtful that a therapist would be capable of giving the advice required in this area. My gut tells me only an attorney can do that, despite the fact that I detest the idea. However, I just don't know how easy it would be to fully focus on any type of counselling knowing full well that at any moment the sh*t could hit the fan again. That's the problem with me. Although I consider myself a very loving person, overly trusting and optimistic to a fault (which is why this has gone on so long), I'm also a realist.<p>If there was a way I could safely and graciously remove myself from the imminent danger of his destructive path, I'm sure it would a lot easier to concentrate on making things better and moving forward.<br><p>[This message has been edited by Dudette (edited 02-12-99).]

Well, the sh*t hit the fan. He left yesterday for an appt. and never returned. He has been missing now for over 36 hours and I am terrified by what might have happened to him. This could have been prevented. He called his Dr. the other day and pleaded to get an appointment with him or any other counselor as soon as possible. He got the big blow-off because it didn't fit into their schedule. I wish I would have done more to help, but I didn't want to push. When you call a Psychistrist for help, what do you have to tell them to get them to take it seriously? It boggles my mind that someone put in a call for help to a doctor, only to get turned away. Now I am sure that something bad has happened. He has never been gone this long before. The kids are heartsick and so am I.

Dudette,<p>I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I wish I had more to say. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers.<p>Steph

dudette, i too visit strip clubes. one thing i learned about myself is that i can't or have a very hard time saying no to a beautiful nude young woman. i think it goes against the laws of mankind or something. i've never spent the time/money on the scale you h has but i will never take my atm card there again. why do we do it? i think everyman has the fantasy of having lots of beautiful woman at his disposal. while we're at the clubs we can live that fantasy, as a tremendous expense, and it's wonderful. my advice to you though is to start stashing money away so that if he gets into trouble or you two get divored, you'll have the resources to take care of yourself. because he's your husband you could find yourself liable for his debts. be careful. and good luck.

Any news? Has he returned home?

Dear Dudette,<P>Your last post was 2/14/99. I have been watching and waiting to see if your husband returned.<P>Thought you'd like to know that we care and still remember you.<P>