Haven't posted for a while, but I figure I'm cycling through the emotions again, so I've come back to familiar comforts!<P>In the last month my stbx has crossed some sort of imaginary line and seems to be going out of his way to be cruel to me, to flaunt his OW in front of me and our children, etc. (We've been separated since Aug 27 - he's been involved with OW#2 since July - though he still won't even admit he's having an affair. Divorce will be final in 3 weeks).<P>An example of this was when I attended the state-required parenting class for my divorce a few weeks ago. Stbx knew when I was going because he was taking care of the kids for me during the 4 hour class. I walked into the class and, lo and behold, who should be there? The OW. (Yes, she's not divorced either and had to take the class as well). This class is offered frequently - the odds of she and I "accidentally" attending the same one in the same location were virtually nil. But, HE KNEW. He was babysitting her child as well. He didn't warn me, bother to mention it, nothing - I was set up for ambush, plain and simple. And she was obviously waiting for me. I walked in, saw her and "you've got to be kidding me..." just sort of spilled out of my mouth as my jaw hit the floor. She put on her best smug look and said "So, what's your problem?" like some 14 year old might say it.<P>Example number two - taking OW and her child with him and our two kids for a 5 day spring break vacation and then refusing to give me even the name of the hotel they were staying at or a phone number so I could talk with the kids. Telling the kids this was the best "family" spring break he could remember. Apparently when our marriage was intact and we had just our own children we weren't a family???<P>OW is a source of high conflict between stbx and I. She shows no respect for me. Duh. He is seeming to relish in this treatment and encouraging it. So, I put a clause in our parenting plan that NO 3rd party be involved or present when we exchange our children unless mutually agreed. Stbx is taking me to court to fight even this. What does he expect of me? He's the one who cheated, who left, who wanted a divorce and yet he seems to be trying to punish me. Does he think I'll just be a complete doormat and allow him and her to walk all over me?<P>This is a man who, despite our separation since August, was still trying to sleep with me in January (and yet had already been talking marriage to OW). Now, he seems to be going out of his way to rub this relationship in my face, to force it upon our kids as their "new family," and to try to bring her to everything related to our kids in order to make me feel uncomfortable, intimidated, perhaps hoping it will make me not attend, whatever... <P>I am at a loss of how to deal with him now - other than through the court orders. He is not behaving with the least bit of integrity or honor or even truthfulness. He is not flexible, will not compromise on any issue that deals with kids/OW and has become incredibly manipulative in his efforts to be cruel to me in regards to the children and OW. He does not cross the line as far as any physical threats or anything like that which I could use to legally keep him at a distance - it's more emotional cruelty. <P>I just don't get it. GRRRRRRR.<P>Any ideas? Thoughts? Help????<P>Lisa

Have you looked here: <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/087364851X/o/qid=987098273/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/107-4502901-8259706" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/087364851X/o/qid=987098273/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/107-4502901-8259706</A> <P>It's a <I><B>joke</I></B> ... dont take it seriously!

I don't have an answer...but it is something I seem to question daily myself.<P>Everytime I seem to get upright, I get flattened also.<P>I don't know if your H was a conflict avoider all his life or has any other issues, but it seems to be, (though I could be quite wrong..and have been many times) that they are taking out all of their pent up aggression (conflicts) since birth......on the innocents.<P>Kind of like a bully.<P>And I know it is difficult to take believe me, even when you remember that this is like an "illness".<P>I feel like asking my H why he didn't just take a contract out on me....it would have been a lot easier....but I guess the constant drip drip drip of more acid is more fun!!!<P>Sorry for the sarcasm above...I'm just at an extremely low point myself.<P>All you can keep doing is doing the "right thing". Taking care of yourself and your kids and trying to maintain some sanity... I get down on my knees daily to pray for the strength.<P>Thinking of you....

Sisyphus - believe me, I've thought about it often...the high road lacks good asphalt, not a wide enough shoulder, and is full of potholes...but somehow I just keep trying to stay between the lines on it...argh.

You are right Lisa, It's emotional cruelty, and it really seems intentional. That is really sad & it's a shame you have to endure it.<P>You know, the high road always seems to be uphill, there's always a headwind, and oncoming trafic is always swerving into your lane. But the view is so much better. That makes it worth the effort.<P>I know how difficult this is and how much pain you are feeling. I can't imagine why anyone would treat the mother of their own children that way. Some people never cease to amaze me.<P>It will get better, and your children will see through all of this eventually. The key is to remain focused on you and the person you show your kids.<P>Your STBX is wrong, and I'm sure he knows it. It will catch up with him eventually.<P>Take care...<P>{{{{{Lisa}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Lisa,<P>I'm so sorry that he's being this way. It must be really hard to endure, especially with your situation in a small community.<P>My guess is that he has to make you into the "bad guy" in his mind in order to justify the pain he's causing you and your kids. Having come to think of you as some horrible person who deserves this kind of treatment he then treats you even worse, which requires him to continue thinking badly of you in order to justify his behavior. Therefore the pattern of thought and behavior perpetuates itself.<P>This sounds almost diabolical, but it's really just ordinary human cruelty and stupidity on his part. I know from experience that just by deciding to focus on someone's good or bad points we can alter our feelings about them greatly. He has just chosen to pretend not to be aware of all your good points and put all your faults, real or imagined, under a magnifying glass. That allows him to keep seeing you as the "bad guy", deserving of his betrayal.<P>There is possibly one good thing about this, as hard as it is to see. I don't know if you still hold out any hope or not that the fog will lift and your marriage can recover, but losing all love for him is an important step toward moving on. If in fact the marriage does not recover, his behavior will certainly wipe out any positive balance in your love bank, so maybe in the long run it will make things easier for you.<P>I'm sure that doesn't help much right now, though, and I'm sorry things are so difficult. Anyway, that's how I see things.<P>Steve

Lisa - your story sounds so familiar. So many of us here had spouses that cheated and left, only to add insult to injury, seemingly bent on destroying the last bit of sanity and emotional and financial stability that we can muster. If they were so unhappy, why didn't they just straight up leave and divorce us without hurting us further by flaunting their adultery, and sujecting us to continual cruelty?<P>I have found a very interesting book, "Sudden Endings", by Madeline Bennett, that offers some explanations for this seemingly inexplicable behavior. Unfortunately, it is out of print. I was able to get a used copy through ZBooks at Amazon.com. I am going to post some excepts here within the next week or two. This book really struck a nerve with me - it puts forth another scenario then just "unmet needs" for being the reason for the horrible behavior of some spouses who not only abscond, but continue to wreak havoc upon the faithful spouse.<P>[This message has been edited by Lady M (edited April 12, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Lady M (edited April 12, 2001).]

That book (<I>Sudden Endings</I>) was what put me onto the track of figuring out what had happened to my wife. (The author seems to think that "Wife Rejection Syndrome" is primarily a male malady, but I can assure you it is not exclusive to males!) The book is not without its methodological and analytical flaws, but it has some extremely interesting insights. I just wish I could find more material on narcissistic regression...<BR>

GDP - If the experiences of many of the men here are any indication - you are right - the ladies seem to be catching up and playing the same game that was once primarily a male perogative. She is definitely right about one thing - the no-fault laws make it so easy for the spouse who abandons the marriage to avoid financial responsibility if they are also the one with the financial clout.