Well, this is dangerous and a bit slippery but... here goes:<P>We're here staying at my parents - where I lived growing up. By chance, one of my old boyfriends wrote me a note (to my H's email account - he forwarded it) to see where I was at and what I was up to.<P>Since then we've talked via Instant messaging - not seen each other. So, yesterday, after four months of intermittant talking, I told him what was up with H. I also asked him to share with me what he felt were the issues in our relationship (over 10 years ago). So, he wrote me a letter.<P>The scary thing is that these issues are THE VERY issues that my H has with me! I NEVER IDENTIFIED NOR learned from them! So now what? My H lived with it for 9 years - old boyfriend for 2.5 years. My H says he's through... "go find someone else." I can really empathize with him but desparately want to change.<P>He says the damage has been done and is too severe... and he has no interest as he's given it all he's got over the years and has nothing left.<P>So, now I have to live with the consequences... he really does love the kids and wants to be with them.<P>Anyway, since being home, I've seen several old friends and boyfriends - most I haven't let in on my personal situation. But, the strokes I receive from them is way too tempting in the face of the utter emotional, physical and spiritual rejection of my H...<P>BUT, I've learned something - a pattern in my life that has carried over. I guess just leave it at that - a learning.<P>Any thoughts? I hope I don't get flamed here... but I'm open to it if it's beneficial...<P><P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

I am not the flaming type. You said it yourself - it is dangerous, it is slippery. What do you want, I somehow doubt that a temporary fix could be considered your long term goals. I am not the type to say yes or no - you need to do that one for yourself & that is the way it is supposed to be. God gave you freedom and I am pretty sure that he gave no one else, unless I missed that post the power to take your freedom away. <P>But from my soul I can suggest that you go slow. Many times we make decisions based on where we are at a particular moment in our lives - if you think that where you are is a good place to be making these decisions, then still go slow. I have a funny feeling going back, although seemingly a good idea at the time is just going back, to when we "thought" we were happier. For you it may be just a place to go and leave behind what you should have left long ago with the old boyfriend - & because you did not, it just followed you into your marriage, & may be still there. <P>The old boyfriends letter however sounds like something for you to face, although SCARY. Why does it scare you? Is it who you still are that scares you, or is it because you don't feel like you have the power to change those things you do not like about yourself? It seems even you to realize that you will once again repeat this pattern unless you make some lasting & positive changes in your life - that although hard to do sometimes, certainly better than a life filled with temporary fixes.<P>You are here because you want more for yourself not because you enjoy the misery - if that is all you have right now, know that it is more than when you were not here.<P>Slow & Steady (its not a race),<BR>God Bless & may the Son keep You Warm Always,<BR> <P>------------------<BR>StarCrossed

Hi OvrCs,<P>First, I want to say I was touched by the both the kindness and honesty of your post. Your previous posts suggest that you are a woman, not a little girl playing at it, and that you are approaching the time in life where it is no longer necessary to run a four minute mile. Having been through that, let me promise you there are many more pleasurable moments moments yet to had during a liesurely stroll. When a marriage starts to go downhill, it sure seems like there are plenty of people around to make sure everything is greased for the occasion. (Josh Billings, forgive me please)<P>IMNTBHO, guys and gals comforting each other during times of emotional stress is a slippery slope for sure. I first found out about my ex's affair during a time when her best girlfriend's husband was involved in a knock down drag em out fiasco with a woman at work. Within a few weeks, we both found out what was going on in each other's lives. Then we started comparing notes and that led to sharing feelings. A month later we were sharing a bed. It was a very selfish experience, not once did I stop for a moment to consider the effect that all this was going to have on my children! That went on for several years until she died of a massive stroke. Both marriages ended in divorce.<P>Her husband used to put her down. He tried to justify his affair by telling friends that she was frigid in bed. He lied! (Forgive me for that) <P>Even Dr. Harley will tell you that we are all wired for infidelity, we all have the necessary equipment. There are times when we are particularly vulnerable. Oh, yes, men are just a vulnerable as women! We don't need playboy pinup models, all it takes is a little attenion, a little assurance, and don't even think about those small kindnesses. Whoa! WOW! The next thing you know..... I'm sure you get the picture.<P>Let me share this with you. As I read your posts, I instinctively wanted to jump in and start giving you those positive strokes and reassurance too, tell you what a great gal I think you are, and how I love your insights and how I enjoy reading as you share your experiences, strengths and feelings. <P>So, it is time for me to GET OFF this thread. Good Luck!!<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper <P><p>[This message has been edited by Bumperii (edited April 13, 2001).]

Dear OvrCs:<P>Do you want to fix your marriage?<P>On one thread you are wondering if you should uproot yourself and your children, moving to another state - all for the sake of possibly saving your marriage.<P>On this thread, you are going the opposite direction. I completely understand your need to be validated as a woman and as a human being. Your husband's rejection is devastating, I know. I've been there..done that, got the scars to prove it!<P>But you are not on a slippery slope (which implys a lack of responsibilty or control) - you are taking actions to build a figurative bonfire in the middle of your home. <P>Getting your old BF's input on what you did wrong in your relationship with him is one thing...and I agree can beneficial - IF you use that information to plan A your heart out with your husband.<P>But it sounds more like you are searching for a refuge in the storm of pain that you are living in.<P>It's a mirage. You are going to end up making sure that your marriage never has a chance if you continue like this. AND, you will end up even more hurt, and your kids put through more trauma than they are already going through.<P>You need to reach out to <B>girlfriends</B> and family for support. Not former boyfriends or other male friends right now.<P>IMHO, you should cut off contact with the old boyfriend. <P>--BR

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by starcrossed:<BR><B>For you it may be just a place to go and leave behind what you should have left long ago with the old boyfriend - & because you did not, it just followed you into your marriage, & may be still there. <P>Why does it scare you? Is it who you still are that scares you, or is it because you don't feel like you have the power to change those things you do not like about yourself? It seems even you to realize that you will once again repeat this pattern unless you make some lasting & positive changes in your life - that although hard to do sometimes, certainly better than a life filled with temporary fixes.<P>You are here because you want more for yourself not because you enjoy the misery - if that is all you have right now, know that it is more than when you were not here.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, too true what you say. At this point, I don't feel the attraction... my intention is to get to the heart of my issues/corruption of self character. I found it immensely revealing and scary that the issues that I didn't deal with in my past have nearly destroyed my marriage. That really hurts - I am very responsible for the pain of my husband.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> posted by Bumperii<BR>Then we started comparing notes and that led to sharing feelings. A month later we were sharing a bed. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, this is the scary part. I have no lingering feelings now, just trying to get to the heart of the matter but realize that it could get too deep and that I have to be careful.<P>I told him (old boyfriend) that I feel like I'm poised for open heart surgery and God is the surgeon... and I asked him to share the issues. Well, he did and it was painful. Painful because these are my life long issues and I want to face them and MAKE permanent changes.<P>My desire is to reconcile with my husband. But my reality is that I'm so utterly rejected by him, I'm sure you can understand those feelings. After hearing from old BF, I realize that part of the surgery has been done and it may take six weeks (like recovery from real openheart surgery) to be back in full-emotional swing again. It was a blow - but somehow a cathartic blow. Honestly, it really humbled me... I felt SUCH remorse for my H who had to put up with it for 9 years where as old BF for only 2.5 years. That alone makes me realize that he did go the distance... <P>So, now in dealing with the consequences of years of selfishness, insecurity and pride, I have to try and "change the things I can, accept the things I cannot and have (ask for) the wisdom to know the difference."<P>In the light of my multi-level reality (hope on one hand - despair on the other), I want to be POSITIVE not enabling my H through his decision but a light. How did Jesus love others so purely without judging them by their behavior? That's my goal... I want to love my H and accept him without having expectations of him - and holding him hostage to my expectations... Anyway, he's through he says so the only way he knows to get out from under that siege is to physically stay away from me.<P>It's so very very sad, but I think God is working on me now... and my desire is for peace in both of our futures.<P>So BRAMBLE ROSE, I know you are expressing concern over what appears to be conflicting messages, but I hope you can understand that I do want to repair my marriage but needed to get to the source of my issues. Now, I think I agree with you about limiting or cutting off contact with old BF - who is happily married by the way, and limiting contact with male friends. Because in the light of my emotional/physical state of being rejected... it wouldn't take much to win my heart. This is nothing but trouble, I've read enough on here about that.<P>So to all of you, thanks for letting me be honest. I felt so embarrassed writing it last night that I almost wanted to delete it... but I'm glad I didn't so I could read the words of wisdom you all gave me. THANKS!<P><BR>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once<p>[This message has been edited by OvrCs (edited April 13, 2001).]