I go to mediation on Monday, have spoken to Social Workers, psychologist, yada, yada, yada - & have decided I need professional advice from those who have been there & not just read about it. None of them seem to want to commit (although they seem to want to commit me - joke) to any kind of a real answer it seems - I can't help but wonder if this is some kind of textbook or fear of lawsuit type answer as they all even use the same words. <P>The question is what have some of you good people done or not done that worked when in came to your child custody arrangements? We are going for joint but question how best for our 9 yr old son to arrange this (he wants 2 day splits 2 with W /2 with me & so on... I know he does not think he can go more than 2 days without either of us - they also say to not listen to our son to much on this, just tell him how its going to be - seems a tad selfish considering he had no part in this at all) week/week for each, 4 days/4 days etc... I really could use some sound advice as my son unlike my W is related to me by blood (watch the red neck jokes here) and is my greatest connection to Creation & God (wow, what a feeling).<P>God Bless & May the Son keep You Warm Tonight & every Night,<BR>As always Thank Ya All for ya Comfort & Wisdom,<BR> <P>------------------<BR>StarCrossed

Well you know I'll watch this thread with interest. <P>My Aunt - a 2nd grade teacher - told me that 50:50 custody arrangements work at first but not for long. The school counselor told her that usually it's not good on the kids. So, they advise going back to primary custody with visitation... that seems so harsh for a parent who's life blood is invested in the kids...<P>It would be good to hear how others have arranged their custody... <P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

I don't know how close you plan on living, but for us, an arraingment like that would not work.<P>IMHO, the most important thing that children need is predictability. You can't do that when the poor kid is 2 days at one place and two days at another.<P>For us, we live about 150 miles from each other. So our 7 yo son is with me during the week so that he can go to school. Our 2 yo daughter splits time about 50/50. Talk about a lot of driving.<P>I have two degrees in Social Work and work for the Head Start program, so I have done a fair amount of research on this topic. Kids need a place they can call home. They quickly see that the fiction of "two homes" is just that.<P>Couple of things that one needs to remember in this situation. First, unfortunately we can not clone our children so that the now split parents can both see them whenever they want. If I get additional time, that means she gets less. When you decide to divorce, this is the ugly reality.<P>Second, when you get divorced, you really don't have any say in the matter. You give up the decision making power to the court. The otehr party can take you to court at any time and the court makes the decision about how much time you spend with the kids, what medical attention you are required to provide, and even what kind of job you can have.<P>Good Luck

Well, not really having done the legal work on this part yet..but, having been separated and actually living in the same city (let alone the same state) since Sept. He can see the kids whenever he wants..which is usually one night during the week, and one night on the weekend..he'll come get them after work about 6:00 they go to his apartment he makes dinner, they get baths and eat dinner, and are in bed by 8:00..he gets up at 4:30 in the morning to have them home by 5:30 am so he can be at work at 6:30 am..so needless to say they don't see him very often..he usually works 7 days a week..<P>But I think you should play it by ear, they need stability..<BR>to know that they have a place to call home..no matter what..if you do the 50/50 do you live close enough to each other that they won't have to get up extra early to make it to school on time? or that they can catch the bus to the same school? if you do the 6 months w/ mom and 6 months with dad, that can be hard if they have to keep changing schools every six months..<P>you'd also have to work on discipline areas together..somethings may be okay to do at dad's and not at mom's and vice versa..and you'll hear the DAD/MOM lets me do that..and you can't just say..well I'm not DAD/MOM..you'll have to give them an opportunity to explain why they feel it should be that way..and if it's a reasonable request then maybe it can be negotigiated to where they feel like what they feel or want matters..<P>

We will be living in the same town during our separation, & if it comes down to the big D it should be the same. I have spoken to the W & we seem to be on the exact same page when it comes to our son. We agree to talk to each other when our son expresses any concerns or issues, we have heard about the manipulation & realize that communication will be a must. As our counselor stated she had never seen such "highs" in a couple that needed to separate. I believe much of that rest with our high moral standards with regards to our son. I just can't seem to understand how if 2 people, even if D, both love their son & do want to raise him together no matter what (willing to accept the others life apart in order to guarantee their son a better life), can't find some way to do this without one of us having to suffer not only the loss of their marriage but also having to give up custody - do we flip a coin or will this be based on war, & who can win it?<P>This to me is more depressing that losing the woman I love - I can't lose my son - that can't be an option, can it???<P>Thank You for your Support,<BR>God Bless & May the Son keep You Warm,<BR> <P>------------------<BR>StarCrossed

OK, I have every other weekend, and two nights a week, basically. i live 15 minutes away, and am now officially retired.<P>for a 9 year old, it is still too young for 50/50. what will happen is that around 14-16, then you need to go to <BR>two weeks, two weeks, if possible. that way, they are settles in a house for a significant period of time.<P>however, that is based upon schools and schedules and how cooperative the parents are. My X is not in the least cooperative in helping the kids get ready for my weekend, or my vacation time, etc. she can't even handle switching weekends without major disruptions to her schedule.<P>I would suggest one house is the permanent home, and the other is parenting time. mine come here and are terribly behaved, do to stricter rules here, (i do not allow disrectful judgements, hitting, etc, whereas it is OK over there.)<P>just what seems to work best for the age, but it can change as they get older. i sort of advise being less demanding on the time now, and win them over as they get older, when the OP and X decide to live together.<P>as a matter of course as they get older, they will want to live at the other place as a matter of growth, it will happen, don't worry about it.<P>

Tough question. We've agreed on 50/50 one week splits & so far it seems to be working out OK. It gets juggled a bit due to travel, but despite that it seems to be relatively smooth. My son likes it here better than at his moms, but that has a lot to do with friends here, and the amount of time he has to spend with the OP when he is with her.<P>I don't think there is a hard and fast rule for this. It depends on the kids and the parents and takes cooperation and understanding for it to work.<P>The key to remember is to do what's best for the kids. They didn't have anything to do with this and their neeeds have to come first, regardless of how it makes us feel. I know that's hard, but life is.<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Continued thanks for your support & thoughts, no one can by him or herself deal with issues this important without mates like all of you, may the days & nights find you & yours forever well & facing away from the pain. <P>I am so close to the fire emotionally on this issue that I can not be sure that it is the needs of the father as opposed to the more deserving & nesessary needs of the son that are being considered. Logically I sense a child needs "a" home not 2, but (buts are usually where the denial kicks in, I know) I can't believe that someone out there has not yet found a way get around this enormous pothole. <P>I am as always lately, underfed & lacking sleep, & therefore sometimes find myself occasionally with an unclear head - gotta love that fog although I hear it does wonders for your hair. I don't know maybe I am just venting but (another but) I feel that this dilemma has the potential to knock me down off my feet - I have been there a lot lately & the view leaves much to be desired, although the learning potential seems higher from being down. If you good people don't have the exact answer do not fret - nothing worth this much should ever be that easy for us, least we forget & continue to repeat these "situations".<P>Slow & Easy (its "still" not a race),<BR>May the Lord find You & find You Good,<P>Tim <p>[This message has been edited by starcrossed (edited April 15, 2001).]

Hey folks heres a wierd one especially for those who may be watching this thread with intrest OvrCs! Good news from of all places the divorce mediator (para-legal doing this for a long time). She stated that when it comes to custody that you should forget what others are doing & concentrate on whats best for you and your own children. <P>Some common sense mixed with some professional observation, a few custody seminars for judges & the legal profession, it seems that many now realize & agree that the more both parents are involved in the early stages of a childs developement the better - as by the time they are 14 they will already know everything anyway & probably want their own place. My comment on my 9 year old sons preference of 2 days each was in her opinion not that crazy & shows some sophistication on my sons part (yep, I know I'm a sucker for this stuff about my kid being something I probably spelled wrong). My W thinks this is wrong but admits its just her opinion.<P>This is the hard part though, if you & the other half are still fighting. Good communication is a must along with being able to negotiate peacefully on your childs part - yeah my thoughts to - if we could do that couldn't we or shouldn't we be able to work through our marital distress? Oh well nothing worth this much could be expected to be that simple - for me however this may also not be that hard - one can not claim they love their child more than life itself & not be willing to endure further hardships at the sometimes quite unfair & unconcerned hand of ones spouse.<P>God Bless, I hope this helps more than just Me - as there is truly very little I would not be capable of for my own Darling Sweet Little Tough Son....<P>Pleasant Post to all & to all a Good Night,<BR>Nothing, Especially the Pain can Last Forever,<BR>What does Last however, ALWAYS Matters. . .<P>Love,<BR>Tim <P>