My husband and I have several problems (which have been discussed here on the forum), the least important of which is the issue of sex. But for me it has become a major area of focus. We have been married 1 1/2 years and are in our early-mid 20's. We always had a very wonderful and fulfilling sex life up until about a year ago (which is when a lot of problems started) Now we are lucky if we make love once a month, and only if I initiate it. I tried to talk to him about it yesterday, because my self esteem is lowered substantially by the knowledge that my husband can't stand to touch or see me nude and that is effecting how I relate to him and others. At first he became defensive and angry, then just quiet. I asked him if it bothered him that we never make love and his response was "a little". He says that I have to expect things to change and that his body has. What does that mean? I know that change is normal (even though I despise it), but is it normal for a 25 year old man to have no desire for sex? I think that some of it is boredom with our sex life. I get that way sometimes and it seems like when we have sex, its just done and then over. I am very shy and even though I trust my husband, I am hesitant to try new things, plus I am just not sure what to do. Does anyone have any advice? I know that with all of our other more serious problems, sex should probably be the last thing on my mind. But I think that improving my selfesteem and bringing love and desire back into the bedroom might help us to solve our other problems. Can anyone help or tell me if this is normal? How do I change it if it isn't?

Sam...your H cant stand to touch or see you nude??? This is obsurd!!! Sounds like he is having an affair. I dont know what your other problems are but the one you mentioned must be horrible for you and would damage anyones self-esteem. His body is changing? thats a lot of boloney! How are you going to try new things when your H cant stand to see you nude?? Someone who knows more of your problems will probably give you better advise, but I say he is not interested in you because he is interested in someone else.<br>

SamL,<p>This problem can very well result from alcohol abuse. I've lived this way for many years. Once every month or two, maybe... he was usually pretty drunk most times. I gave up trying to initiate... couldn't live with the constant rejection, he was usually too tired, or too busy with something else. It's been just recently that I've started peicing together the puzzle and realized that maybe it's not me... it's not that I'm not attractive or lovable, there's nothing wrong with me.... it's what the alcohol did to him over the years. So first you must believe that there is nothing wrong with you... you may come to feel that way because why else would your husband not want to touch you and love you? My self-esteem was feven further crumble by his great interest in pornography for a while... and he still would rarely touch me. The answer could very easily be his alcohol problem and other underlying conflicts.<br> <br><p>[This message has been edited by y (edited 02-16-99).]

I certainly don't think that because he has lost interest or his sex drive is low that he is assumed to be having an affair. It could be a medical, mental, or physical problem that he doesn't know about or is afraid to talk about. My husband too, has a very low sex drive, always has. I initiate and we talk about it. He is a loyal person, home every night, doesn't go out with the guys or in evenings and is very family oriented and caring. But, his sex drive is low too. I don't know why either, but I can assure you that he's not having an affair!

hopeful, I don't know if I'd go that far. Maybe it's not really that Sam's husband can't stand to see her nude--maybe that's just what Sam THINKS he feels because he doesn't initiate sex. I know I tend to feel that way when my "low sex drive" husband shows no interest in me--I feel undesirable(and I start to think he must not like looking at my body if he doesn't get turned on--but that's just in my head).<p> Sam, you say you two are having lots of other problems besides in the bedroom? Shouldn't those problems be dealt with first, before you'd expect things to improve in the making love dept.? I know when my H and I are having problems, making love is last on the list. If you have problems in your marriage, I'm sure there's walls that have been built by both of you. Concentrate on breaking those walls down (I haven't been following your posts, so I don't know what's been going on in your marriage). But because he doesn't want to make love like he used to, doesn't necessarily mean he's interested in someone else. Maybe he's just built walls and distanced himself because of the other problems. <p>He says his body's changing? Ask him what he means by that. Is he more tired? Does he work more? I recently found out my H's low drive is because of health problems that we were unaware of. Ask him how he feels.

saml, as i started to post this i realized that i don't really know what to say. but, to me you two seem way too young to have a dimenished sex drive. sounds more like your h may be practicing a form of passive aggression by withholding sex and making you grovel for it. you've been married only 2yrs., as i recall, that's not usually long enough for sex with youthful people to become boring. he says his body changed, how so, i can see where he and/or you may have gained weight, but unless you've gained a substantial amount of weigth, it shouldn't make much difference. sounds like he may have interest in you or maybe he never loved you to begin with. and now that the lust and infatuaction is over, there's nothing left. but you know, who knows what the true reasons are, the bottom line is you must take whatever steps needed to make yourself happy. if he doesn't desire you after only 2yrs. of marriage, how can he possible find passion after 5/10 yrs.? whatever decision you make will be difficult to make because these things are personnal and simple not a decision that can be based on anykind of logic. you'll just have to go with whatever you feel most comfortable with. if can figure out how to make this decision please let me know because i'm in the same boat. i can't decide to go back to my wife of 26yrs. or file for a divorce. i can't determine if i even love her. i'll post my question about this and maybe you can offer some advice for me. this is like the blind leading the blind.

Sherl-I am sure that you are probably correct. Thinking that I disgust my husband, is probably all in my head. But what else am I supposed to think? Neither of us would win a beauty pagent, but I don't think that I am that bad. I am not tall and curvacious, but I work out 3 days a week and I try to keep myself up. He is a little over weight, but I usually don't even notice. I love to watch him undress. I know that he isn't having an affair. He did cheat on me when we first started going out 7 years ago. But he doesn't have time now. He is works in agriculture, so there are long hours involved, and when he is out with guys, I have always managed to track him down or figure out where he has been. The rest of the time he is with me. He does have a fascination with pornography. Not on the internet (he's scared to death of the computer), but he looks at magazines and goes to the strippers every once in the while even though he knows that I feel degraded by it. Actually, I think that is why he does it. Kind of a last ditch effort at independence.<p>He says that he loves me very much and he has always been a very sexual person. Other then myself, I can't imagine what else the problem might be. I know that it isn't normal for a 25 year old man to have no sex drive. Someone said that it might be his drinking, but actually (and this is really sad) I have come to actually want him drunk sometimes, that is the only time when he does want me. We lived together for the 6 monthes before we got married. Is it possible that this is the problem? Is it true that his body could be changing? If so, how do I keep up. How do I learn what to do? Beyond the "how to have sex" thing, how do I even get him in the bedroom?

Sam,<p>You said that, "by the knowledge" your husband cant stand to see you nude or touch you. I assumed he had told you this, which would have been horrible. If you trust your husband explicitly, even when he drinks and goes to strip clubs with the guys, then you are a much stronger woman than I would be. My Dad was an alcoholic and he went to clubs and women would take his money and he would come home and wake up the next day with no recolection of what he had done. Can you be so sure he is not having sex with those women? Many strip clubs are a front for prostitution. All I am saying is dont be so naive as to think it cant happen, for the simple reason of aids and other such diseases. I agree with the others when they say until your husband willingly agrees to get help for himself, then your marriage is in grave danger. My prayers are with you.