Well, here I am. Divorce is in the works. After following plan A and B, I am now on to plan "me" . It is true that after following the advice in ALL of the H's books, I have had my love for my STBX H dropped so low as to be fairly painless now.<P>The hard part for me is I don't know how to be ME. (I feel like a disco song)<P>I have trouble finding out what to do with myself.<P>No kids. No friends. No money. Funny thing is I am not really depressed about it. I just don't know what to do.<P>I have no money to go to school, but when the car is paid off(2yrs), I am going back to college. (yikes 31 and having to figure out a major)<P>How do you meet people? How do you figure out how to be interesting? I have been shy all my life, and so when I hooked up with (STBX) H, he took care of all the stuff, like going out and all and we had a group of friends that we hung out with in college, so I really didn't have to work at it. But now I don't have an "in" with anyone to get me introduced to people, and it is hard for me.<P>What do people find interesting in other people. I am rather limited, and don't seem to be doing very well so far.<P>ANY advice would be welcomed.<P>Thanks, <P>Not really all that Blue anymore...

Silly girl, be carefull! The Big Guy upstairs don't like nobody jumping bad when it comes to his creations, he sees himself as a bit of an artist, and is also "quite" the perfectionist & when we are not so down on ourselves its not to hard to see why. You once had dreams, everyone did, maybe they were silly, maybe they were wayyyy out in left field - but you did have them. Shut the TV if you are a big fan as it sucks your creativity out of the pores in your scalp & hats don't help. You must of said once or twice if only I had the time, sorry that you do in this way but making the best of that time would have to do with getting back in touch with the real you. Don't be to afaid. <P>What makes anyone attractive, interesting, & just plain fun to be around is their real selves as no one likes a fake or great pretender in the long term. You meet people everywhere, & now with spring here, they are even outside - bikes, jogging, church picnics, just walking themselves or their pets. You say you are shy but that is just the tip of the iceberg, you need to go deeper inside, to peel away like an onion the layers one at a time till you reach what is at the very core of you. <P>Even out going people start with a hello so can you - if you like them. I used to say I could never be a racist because it was easier to just hate everyone - you say crap like that enough & sure enough you have become your own stupid joke. That was me before this situation that now brings me here nightly - I now realize people are OK & am learning to love them for them - you have no idea "yet" how much easier it is to approach someone you love as opposed to someone you could care less about.<P>Slow & Steady (its not a race),<BR>God Bless & May the Son keep You Warm Today & Ever After,<P>By the way, HI!<P>Tim <P>

Hi Tim,<P>Actually it is not a lack of time, it's MONEY . I don't hate myself, but I don't know what to do with me.<P>I spent my ENTIRE life trying to be what I thought would please my parents, and then what would please STBX H. <P>I'm like that fox kit that has spent its life in a cage, and when it is freed, doesn't know what to do.<P>I am looking forward to figureing out me...I just don't know how to get started, esp. W/ no money. (I had thought of school, or classes, but those have to wait for now)<P>I just need some help here... I am not unhappy just lonely and unsure. I am enjoying time to myself, but sometimes I want to go do something, and I don't know how to make friends so I will have people to do stuff with.<P><BR> BD

Hi BD,<P>That's a good question. I think the best thing is to go out & try new things that sound interesting. Joining local clubs is usually inexpensive. There's always a running or cycling club somewhere and besides participating in the events, volunteering is a great way to meet people.<P>I know how difficult it is though. My circle of friends all involved my STBX, and now that I'm single again I sometimes feel PNG around them.<P>As with all things in here, the key is patience and time.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Hi Bluedays,<P>If money is an issue, can you qualify for financial aid at a local community college to take some courses?<P>If your just looking for something social, how about volunteer work? If you have some free time, even a few hours a week, it would be something that you can help others and feel good too. In the process, you'll make some new friends.<P>Some other ideas for cheap things to do, where I live, you can take a cooking class at the grocery store for about $10-$15. You can take a craft class for about the same and make a creation to keep. Those are at the local craft shows. You can take free classes at Home Depot from anything like ragrolling, wallpapering and more simple things. You can go to the library. Take up walking, thats healthy and relaxing . <P>If none of that interests you and you have free time, then use it to take a part time job and make some extra cash to save for your education. Also, where I live, if you work at the college you can get a discount (mopping floors may not be fun, but if you can take some classes free, its not too bad). <P>I'm not shy, but I felt it when my H first left. It was hard to get out there again, but once you start doing it, it gets a tiny bit easier. Take this time to find yourself, and love yourself just the way you are.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

At this time, I don't qualify for financial aid because my Divorce isn't finished...It will be next year before I can apply.<P>I am asking for assistance in things to do (thanks starcrossed, Cooker and DanaB. I have gotten so used to STBX making all of the "outing" decisions, I don't really even know what the choices are...<P>Its just one of those ruts...so I am trying to pick the brains of as many people as possible so that I can start to figure out what "turns me on".<P>BD

BlueDays,<P>Well at least you have a goal with school next year, that is great! Its a great place to start because working and school at the same time won't leave you as much time to have that playtime, so take advantage now!<P>I started thinking about all the things I did BEFORE my ex and I got together. I would have thought nothing of going to the park all day and writing in a journal. Or taking a walk along the pier. I'm not very creative, so my hobbies have always been more about thinking and writing, but everyone is different. <P>Take as many free or close to free classes you can and I would guess after a while, you'll find ones you really like, and might want to build off of, or ones you don't care for. <P>I am going to join a dart league next September, because I love to play darts, (not that I'm very good, but I'm going for the fun and social interaction anyhow ) <P>In our newspaper, on the weekends are options of whats going on around town, we also have a free magazine that comes out called Freetime, I don't know if you have those where you live, but just check around for whats going on thats free and start getting out there. <P>I have tried to win tickets on the radio but I never ever succeed so I've given up that route!<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

Hi BD,<P>I like the volunteer suggestion. Not only are you doing something for yourself, but you're giving to others too. That ALWAYS makes me feel better.<P>Our libraries often have courses. Computers, book clubs, etc. They are generally for free.<P>I sometimes feel a bit like you. Lost, alone, no friends, boring (me not you!!)...... However, when I think about what I have, I realise that I'm just having a day when I'm beating myself up. But, I know exactly how you feel.<P>2 years down the track, I'm back at uni finishing my degree, I have gone back to flying (I'm a flight attendant) which I loved, and have a small circle of what I would call true friends. Uni and work keep me busy, and at least give me interaction with adults.<P>Visit your city council chambers, they sometimes run free programs and sporting things. Ours sometimes even has concerts with military bands etc. I love those. The beat is always great. Always uplifting.<P>I know how hard it is to try and find something to do without money. What about fishing. I find that so relaxing and peaceful.<P>have a geat day, we're all here for you.<P>hugs<P>Jo

Well, check out the book "Intimate Connections". I believe it's by Dr. Burns. Also, you might want to check out udate.com. Even in just filling out the forms, you'll likely learn some things about yourself ... what you like and don't like. So you can make a conscious decision to do more of what you like.

Thanks!<P>This is really so helpful. Like I said I just feel like I am in a rut... and it is a habit I want to break, just not really sure how .<P>I will be trying as many suggestions as I can over the next several weeks.<P>I will keep you posted.<P>Keep the good suggestions coming. Please!! <P>BD

I agree with all the others....as many free classes or groups you can find, get involved if you want. You can try ANYTHING....you may not stick with them all..who would? By trying things, you can find out alot about yourself...what you like and don't like. And meet people. You don't have to be best friends....but you will know more people.<P>I don't have kids either....just two black labs and 4 cats. I live in a very, very rural area of the Big Island of Hawaii. Now while Hawaii is a great place to live, there isn't much happening here and I'm 30+ miles from the nearest anything! Plus there's the money issue also.<P>I have found that turning off the TV is a big help. Also, I spend time playing with my animals....walking the doggies, brushing the cats and playing tease-mouse. I know that doesn't sound all that exciting, but I'm at a very similar place as you. I'm not especially outgoing, but do like people. However, I think I am really starting to enjoy just doing nothing! Or at least the "nothing bigs" that other people do. Our society is so set on "doing things!" Just cause you're doing things, doesn't mean you are interesting. I want to find good balance in my life...between alone time, social time, work, etc. This is a perfect opportunity to do that. I kinda feel that I've been given a chance to start anew....no, I didn't want it, it was handed to me. But I think I finally <I>want</I> to explore it.<P>I love to read. So I am doing it and not feeling guilty about that alone time that I really enjoy. I am also building a rock wall. And no, I've never done it before. It's hard, but kinda fun and I can't wait to see how it looks when I'm done. I've found that I don't particularly enjoy gardening, although I live on 15 acres. I've learned how to change the blades on my riding lawn mower. I'm starting to feel like I might drag out my own sewing machine and make a dress or something.<P>So I will keep doing stuff until I feel that I've found that balance. I've even started yoga (not a class, a video tape) and it seems to help with the relaxation/balance thing.<P>Anyway, you ARE interesting. God made YOU for a very special reason....There is no one else on this earth like you! We need you! So do others. And, BTW, you don't even need to DO anything...you already are interesting and unique. Don't forget that!<P>Try stuff....if you feel like it...if not, don't. You make all the decisions now. <P>Good luck and aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

By the way, don't try to do EVERYTHING right now...especially if you feel like you're in a rut or can't get the motivation to do stuff.<P>Just try ONE new thing. Take baby steps.....or as Bob says "I'm baby stepping!" (Movie "What about Bob?")<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>