Well, I decided to continue with the divorce. While I still have feelings of love for my h, I have more negative feelings for him right now. Loss of respect is a big one. When he told me why should he pay for the bills when he doesn't live here, I just thought, You are not hurting me, YOU are hurting your kids. 5,3,2,. No $ for food. Well, I went to atty and I have another appt this week with her. We will file a special motion so we can get into court in 2-3 weeks and have a judge order him to pay.<P>There are many things that have disillusioned me. Adultery x2 with no real quilt, or remorse. Giving up so easily. Having OW #1 in my home for almost 6 months before I figured it out. Living with OW #2 now, and bringing kids there because it is a good family enviornment. He is the one that says I am making it hard and we should do everything for the best interest of the kids. I should go get a job now, put my kids in daycare or perhaps work at night. HMMMM.<P>Anyway, I told him I have no more hope for us. I am beaten down, but I will heal and perhaps find another man to marry someday. <P>I know I will continue, it will be a difficult struggle for a while, I have met new friends, Have GOd in my life, I know that I am worth more than how he has treated me. I don't deserve that. I don't want to be his "friend" I will be his partner in the raising of our children.<P>Marriage to me was a lifetime committment, not a , I'm not happy any more, so I'll have an affair and force you to divorce me proposition. I will treat him civilally and with politeness. I have no need to chat about anything but the kids. I will treat him with respect but I will not have any respect for him or anyone that thinks what he has done is appropriate.<P>He will call me all sorts of names, tell me that I am greedy, vindictive, blah blah, it WILL HURT, but I KNOW that it is not true.<P>AM I scared, sort of, but I know a greater being, God, is beside me and will be there for me. Do I wish this all never happened , yes. I think some peopel are so SELFISH that they just can't see anything beyound themselves, and that is a shame, I happened to marry one of them and make babies. I am not looking forward to any of this divorce stuff, but he is getting what he wants and maybe I will look back one day and thank him for getting out of my life. Who knows.<P>I am sure I will be here to vent , cry, etc in the coming weeks. I look forward to MB support. Thanks in advance<P><BR>Hopelessmom

{{{{{{{{{Hopelessmom}}}}}}}}}}<P>you are in a good place to feel comraderie. We have all been through it in varying degrees, and although your life maybe down right now, you are not out by any means.<P>First things first: get a physical and talk with your doctor to make sure you are not neglecting your physical health. anti depressants may help you make it through the rough points with a clear mind. Also, if you start to loose lots of wieght, and don't get proper nutrition, you will be ever more susceptible to illness, and lessor coping skills.<P>Second, do not put up with a slow attorney, because slow attorneys eat away at money and lack of resolution. I know of several situations where custody and CS have been dramitcally reversed after proving that the children have gone down hill with grades, situational depression, etc.<P>Third, take a look at yourself, and ask yourself if you seriously need counseling, which can be very beneficial to ward off/deal with anger, beaten up esteem, etc. and keep you going in the right direction. the harleys are very reasonably priced, no traveling, and have lots of experience, and will recommend different plans, or straight to divorce if necessary. (I dragged my X to see mine, who was very good, and the counselor said "get a lawyer" after one hour of seeing us.)<P>individual counseling will give you professional support, which is necessary.<P>gotta go, i am in an emergency room , waiting for stiches to my face, with hungry, cranky kids on MY easter!<P>finally, if you need varying opinions on thoughts, about how to relate to your kids, your X, go ahead and post here often. . . . <p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited April 16, 2001).]

Hopelessmom,<P>WIFTT gave some excellent advice. Essentially, you must take care of yourself so that you will be able to take care of your kids.<P>I'm at the same place as you are now as far as our spouses go. They just can't let go of the fantasy and they have become the mirror images of the wonderful people we married. In fact, my divorce should be through tommorrow. I'm getting everything I want, including my daughter.<P>I'm learning that there are advantages of being away from my STBX.<P>Kevin

hopeless mom,<P>I'm in the same shoes as you and all I can say is that it stinks and I'm sorry.

Dear Hope,<P>I would like to extend my support in whatever way I can. You know I will be there for you. You are thinking clearly and preparing for the worst. You should be proud that you have the ability to think ahead for yourself and your family. <P>One day, your H will see who is the one that kept your family together and if he should come to his senses in time, you are the one who can choose to be there for him. In the meantime, you are doing the right thing. Since you are farther down this path than I am, I will defer my opinions of where to direct you next to those who are ahead of you. <P>My prayers are for you and your family. Please post here so we can support you through this. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Hello mom,<P> How are you doing? We miss you in general questions.<P> {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MOM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Dear Hopeless Mom,<P>You sound exactly as I did a couple of years ago. I was married for 26 years with 2 teenagers. When one day someone came to my front door and handed me a cassette tape and said "listen to this, I'm sorry". It was a conversation between my now X and his girlfriend who was 20 years younger than him. I had been suspecting it for a while and he totally denied everything making me believe I was going crazy. Well now I had the proof in hand....<BR>For the next year we tried to make a go of it and I was a wreck, to top it off I went into menopause. We fought (verbally) a lot, we tried counseling, weekends away, everything, but I still knew he hadn't put her in the past.<BR>I filed for divorce, the trust was gone and I could not live that way any longer. <BR>I am a Christian and I believe every thing is for a reason. My kids and I went through hell for the next couple of years <BR>and my divorce was final one day after my 29th wedding anniversary.<BR>I am not one to be alone, I love being in love and I love being loved! I thought how is a 45 (at the time) year old woman going to find someone without putting myself out there to get hurt. I went ON-LINE! I met a man who had been divorced for 10 years with a great sense of humor. We talked back and forth via e-mail for over a month before we agreed to meet. We have now been dating for over a year. Last month for Valentines day he took me to Paris, France.<BR>I believe God had this man waiting for me. He is a good Christian with morals and we love being with each other.<BR>We are planning on getting married late September of this year. <BR>My children are now 18 & 16 and have lived with me the whole time. My Daughter (18) sees her father and they seem to be doing fine. My son (16) is a different situation, he refuses to see him. He saw him at Christmas at our house but that's been about it. He resents his father for us having to sell our home in the country with inground pool, hot tub, and all the extras to move into a house almost half the size in town without all the extras. He is adjusting and has admitted to me that he does like living in town now. And maybe someday he'll even be able to forgive his dad.<BR>So here I am as my user name says "loving my tomorrows". I went out and bought myself a necklace with the words "I'm Worth It" on it right when everything started to fall apart and I haven't taken it off since. You need to know that you are worth it and that you can have what ever you want in life if you go after it. But don't forget, be patient, for these things happen in "GODS' TIME" not ours. My boyfreind teases me about this. I met him only months after I filed for divorce. I guess God knows how impatient I am. And it took my boyfriend 10 years to find me! God had him waiting for me, I truly believe it. There will be a day when you to are looking forward to loving your tomorrows!!

Hopeless,<P>Hang in there. Believe or not through posts such as yours I am able to take some comfort. Like you my mind says it's over with my stbxw. The only problem is that she is still holding my heart or is she stomping on it. Either way I hope that soon my heart will be able to let her go. I keep saying to myself "I DESERVE BETTER" then I say "but I don't want better I want her". SEE-SAW/SEE-SAW. Anyway just wanted you to know that you are inspiring me and I know, just like you, someday I'll be able to break these chains that bind me.<P>Thanks,<P>Love, Bill

Bill, thanks for saying I inspire you. the chain that binds me is getting smaller and smaller although not completely gone. I am done chasing him. If he should turn himself around, I might be willing. I can't really say anymore.<P>I still look at him waiting/hoping to see MY HUSBAND, not this imposter person but i keep getting disappointed. Maybe this is my real h and I never SAW it before.<P>I want to know WHO has a PERFECT marriage? Are this infidels happy (really) once they are out of the cage, that all of us BS , held them captive.n n Do some day , do they WAKE up and say what the hell did I do? I must be crazy? and If they do before the writing is on the wall, do they have enough COURAGE to admit mistakes and turn around. <P>I have always heard that the harder road in life is probably the right road to take.<P>Hopelessmom