What an absolutely weird day.<P>I spent the day with my kids at my inlaws home - they are the only family near me, and I have a pretty close relationship with my mother-in-law. I'm pretty distant with my FIL, for alot of reasons - but lately had thought that our relationship was getting a bit easier and perhaps my issues with him were gone (a porn addiction, and some other very inappropriate sexual acting out). My FIL is definitely outraged at his son, and has been a godsend, driving down to my home to make repairs and do things that his son should be taking care of.<P>So, the first weird thing of the day....after a few drinks, my FIL kissed me on the cheek and told me that I was a daughter to him, not a daughter in law, and always would be.<P>That was very sweet. Then an hour later he told me that if he was 20 years younger, he'd run away with me...and took my hand and kissed it.<P>I could and probably should just write this off to a few drinks and a sappy man who feels very horrible about what his son is doing to me...right?<P>And yet it gets better. My SIL was there with her BF, stbh. This guy was her live-in BF for years, and then cheated on her, and got the girl pregnant. He's now involved in a nasty custody dispute, trying to get custody of his son. Anyway, he reconciled with my SIL recently, and today they both announced that they were officially considering marriage in their long term future....<P>And while we were all sitting on the patio, he leaned over and whispered, Hey, BR, if it wasn't for your H and his sister, I'd bang you!<P>Ugh, I just looked at him and said, I thought you were planning to marry SIL...that's not exactly how you should talk! And he assured me he was just kidding, but seriously he would!!!<P>So now what should I do? Do I just pretend this stuff didn't happen - or should I do something, and if I should do something, what should I do?

Wowsy Wowser, well I would hope if that ever happened to my W she would first tell me, but if that was not possible she would adderess out in the iopen but I really do ot know.<BR>

You know, sometimes I wonder if these guys' brains and mouths are properly connected!<P>It is hard to know much about someone from a second-hand account like this, but they both seem to have an utter lack of tact (at best) or an utter contempt for women (at worst). <P>I can imagine saying "you know, if I were 10 years younger..." to an attractive, single, younger lady. But only in jest, and I would never, ever say it to anyone with whom I was related, no matter how distantly! The context of your FIL's statement makes it even more disturbing. What kind of man has those kinds of feelings for someone he thinks of as his own child? <P> And your stb-bil...grrrrr!!! In older times he would've been known as a cad! I'd say your SIL can look forward to a life filled with infidelity and lies.<P>As for your FIL, I would tell him that you felt his behavior was totally inappropriate. Explain that it made you feel VERY uncomfortable, and that you need to set some sort of boundaries for your relationship. He can hardly be a good father figure if you're worried that he's ogling you.<P>As for the cad, well...I'd have a long talk with your SIL. He needs some counseling, and they both need some joint counseling before they should even consider marriage. I'm sorry if I'm being blunt, but you just don't make a pass at anyone in your own family!

BR,<P>Wow what a wierd day for you. Both mens behaviors were inappropriate at best. I would have felt so uncomfortable that I would have made an excuse to leave early. <P>I can't even believe these men said and did these things. If any of my children were girls I would not let them near your FIL and never ever w/out me being there at all times!!!<P>YUCK!!!

Hi Bramble,<P>yep, inappropriate.<P>I think I'd be backing off from them. Not spending as much time with them, maybe with the exception of the MIL.<P>As for stb-bil, think about what you would want if you were the SIL. If he was your fiance, would you want to know what he was saying to other women. Would your SIL want to know. Hard questions I know, even harder to find the answers.<P>This would leave me feeling cold all day. And I agree with one more thing, if you have young daughters, never leave them alone there.<P>Take care of you, and have a nice long hot shower. Yuck.<P>love and hugs<P>Jo

I would want to know if my H said that to someone. That's a huge clue he's going to sheat on her, before or after the marriage. As for your FIL, stay away from him. He has ulterior motives.

Hi BR,<P>Alcohol gets credit for an awful lot that alcohol didn't do. Take that from an old dried out drunk.<P>What your FIL and BIL said was beneath contempt. And the boundary must be drawn. Even if the relationship falls apart, it wouldn't be a bad idea to tell both MIL and Sister what happened. Both of these clowns will probably deny it, but it is up to the women to make up their own minds.<P>When I was a teen ager we used to have fantasies about older women, (the ones in their thirties) especially the divorced ones. We all believed the childish myth: "You know about those divoreced women, hot to trot, etc." Both of these guys are testing the waters.<P>Nature gives us men a wandering eye. Our vows of marriage restrict the eyes to the only body part that is allowed to wander. Whenever two persons of the opposite sex meet, somewhere in the back of our minds, the question gets asked, I wonder what it would be like? That is normal. Decency commands that we don't act on it.<P>Haven't we seen enough office love affairs wind up in disaster? To even suggest one with even the most remote relative is unconscionable. I'm going to suggest to you that somehow, some way you draw that boundary loud and clear.<P>Now being a man, I must tell you what happened to me. After the divorce, FIL died. My MIL got over her anger, and we stayed friends. And I was the one with the basement full of tools who went down and took care of her house when her own son couldn't be bothered. <P>Granny didn't hit on me. But when she died, in her will she split her entire estate between my ex and my daughter. She left instructions that I was to get the first shot a memento from her personal things. (Got a Hummel, Prayer Before Battle) It was enough make me stop telling mother in law jokes.<P>There are many appropriate and endearing ways to return kindness to family members including the in laws. Sexual inuendos are not among them.<P>Prayers and stuff!<P>Bumper<p>[This message has been edited by Bumperii (edited April 16, 2001).]

It shows you where your STBX learned his trade, so to speak!<P>although some affairs are MLC, some philandering is learned sexrole models.<P>it seems you are being let into the boys club, where women generally don't belong!<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited April 16, 2001).]

Alcohol & testosterone liberally mixed can show someones true colors. The term cretin leaps immediately to mind, although philanderer is probably more apt.<P>In any case, you probably would be wise to avoid being alone with these guys. Sometimes the wrong signal to an alcohol impaired brain can lead to more serious consequences...<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Thank you all VERY MUCH for your replies.<P>I've lived so long in this very dysfunctional family that I have a hard time always knowing what is appropriate, and what isn't. It's taken me 3 years in Al-Anon dealing with my codependency issues just to get the backbone to walk away from my H, I still have ALOT of work to do!!<P>I really really appreciate you all. I can't tell you how much it helps to have unbiased healthy opinions on this.<P>I did tell my MIL what my stb BIL said to me. And she just gave a laugh (nervous?) and said, "Sounds like the old stb BIL to me, I'm sure he loves my daughter and he's learned his lesson, don't worry about it."<P>I didn't tell her about what her own H said to me - I've confronted her in the past with some truly yucky stuff about him, and she ended up just suppressing that information, and now acts like I never told her. I can't tell you how many times I've been treated as the one over reacting when bringing up some of this stuff to various family members.<P>The denial in this entire family over sexual behavior is completely astounding. But you see, when she said that, I got in the car thinking that maybe the problem was me and that I was over reacting to everything. Then I decided I needed some other opinions. Thank goodness I asked you all!<P>It's taken me 3 years just to deal with my codependency issues with my H's drinking problem. He and I have definitely had our sexual problems due to his porn use, and public sexual comments about us. Yeah, its pretty clear where my stbxh learned his behavior.<P>RidenSober: I could tell my H, and he won't do anything about it. He may go to his family and whine that I am trying to drive a wedge btwn them. That's about it. Trust me, I've desperately needed his defense and protection in the past, and my H failed miserably.<P>Cjack, thank you. I am going to sit down and talk to my SIL. I don't know yet what I am going to say. Unfortunately, she's also been confronted in the past with facts of problems with her father, and has vehemently defended him. There's a whole lot of denial going on....<P>I do think I'll encourage her to talk to Steve Harley. Bless his heart, he'll be able to tell her what she might not accept from me.<P>HopelessinAZ: I guess I've gotten "hardened" - over the years I've been exposed to so much stuff that I can only describe as "inappropriate" that my sense of rightness can get very skewed. I have 2 boys, 7 and 9, and I have *never* left them alone with my FIL ever. One the rare occaision that I have to leave them with my inlaws, I make sure someone else is present the entire time. Frankly though, I don't believe my boys are at risk - well, at least not physically. The inappropriate comments that get made are a concern though. HOWEVER - I just gave birth to a daughter. <SIGH> And I *DO* worry for her sake, and I have very concrete reasons to do so, especially in light of the fact that the male MBers that have replied here do find my FIL's behavior inappropriate. It means that my past problems haven't gone away. I don't even know where to start with regards to visitation - how to protect her without starting a major family fight and offending everyone. I *know* I have got to work on my thinking here, I should not feel guilty for being the deliverer of consequences to their actions...<P>bonnet - yep, I'm going to really back off again. It hurts a bit and I feel guilty, my inlaws basically were my ONLY support and help through my very difficult pregnancy while my H was running around with his OW. They sacrificed ALOT to take care of me. They have treated me as a daughter and been behind me 110 percent. I'm definitely going to talk to SIL though.<P>ballet - I agree. It just occured to me today as I was thinking over the past, and what I know of my FIL, and I realize that he has kept financial control of my MIL their entire marriage. I always thought, because he did a good job with it, that he was just super anal about it and didn't want things interfered with. Now I'm wondering if this is how he kept my MIL from ever thinking about leaving him...I never used to think that people were capable of such sneaky conniving...but I'm learning differently.<P>Bumper - thank you for your response. I don't have an alcohol problem, so it helps to hear from someone who has had one. You're right, I do think that even while drunk, you are still capable of making choices. So if you say that I should hold him responsible for what he says while under then influence, then I'll do so. And you are right again by saying that its up to both women to decide what to do about it. I'll take care of my responsiblity, and let them decide, rightfully so, what they will choose to live with.<P>I never realized that divorced women were seen in a special light sexually. <groan> I was actually kinda going nuts last night in my own head, trying to think if there was anything about me or how I acted or dressed that made them think I was even remotely sexually open to anyone but my husband. And to tell you the truth, I wasn't. In fact my stb BIL even made a comment about how I was "so proper" when it came to sexual issues...as he assured me he hadn't slept with my SIL since they reconciled. Huh?? <P>And you know what? He said those things to me with my husband sitting right across the table from us. Now granted, we are divorcing, and my H thinks he is free to date - but I *don't*. I will remain faithful to my husband, until my marriage is annulled by the Catholic church, and that's not going to happen in the near future!<P>Boy, this morning I'm beginning to see more stuff, and think more clearly....<P>WhenIFindtheTime: Boys club?!?! what is that?? My H isn't have an MLC, he is only 33. He's an alcoholic - that's the root of his philandering ways. LOL, you guys have me feeling I need to run pretty darn hard. <P>cOOker, you know, I had been more worried about leaving my kids, and worried about my brand new daughter's future with this family. It never occured to me that *I* might not be safe, but you know what? You are absolutely right. I am not safe alone, I know this for a fact.<P>Thank you so much for all your insight and support on this. I can't tell you how much it helps me clarify in my head where my priorities and thinking should be.<P>(((hugs to all))) BR <P>Thank GOD I am planning to move out of state when the divorce is final.