Today while we were having lunch with the kids STBX said I don't know if you are interested but I talked to a lady at the university who said that you could get a masters degree in nutrition with their department. Thanks bud, what am I not getting on with my life fast enough for you? Gee duh, I know I CAN get a degree there question is is that what I want to do? <P>Maybe I overreacted but this made me angry. I give serious thought everyday to what I will do to get a job thanks to him divorcing me!!! Call me an under achiever but I really enjoyed being a stay at home mom. My kids will be the ones who suffer most when I have to go back to work/school. And yes, I resent the hell out of being forced into this situation and all because of what the kids will lose. I think he just thinks I'm being lazy.<P>I calmly told him when we got home from lunch that I did not need his help chosing my career and that I would live my own life and do what I wanted, his opinion no longer counts when it comes to my personal matters. He gave up that when he told me he wanted a D. He was most offended that I did not eagerly embrace his suggestion! What did he expect, for me to gush all over and say gee I hadn't thought about that, you are my hero, yes now I see it you were right all along this D is just what we need to do so I can be forced to go back to school and start all over again!!!!! GRRRRR<P>Yes dear I do have a mind and feelings and personal goals. Think he must have forgotten that I received my master degree all on my own without any help or input from him at all. In all fairness to him I will have to say that I had mentioned a few times that as the kids got older and needed me less that I wouldn't mind looking into doing some type of outpatient nutritional counseling but that was several years down the road. Maybe he feels he is somehow doing me a favor getting me on that career fast track.<P>Anyway, enough of the ranting and raving.<P>Hope other out there had a better weekend.<BR>

Ahh...guilt! The emotion for all occasions! <P>"See, honey, I'm leaving you for a tramp, and cutting your financial support out from under you, but here's a job you can get! Consider it a token of my extreme!" Give me a break!<P>You did the right thing. The last thing you need from him is help! Masters degree, huh? They don't give those out to just anybody, you know. You'll be fine without his help, and I think THAT is what is bothering him!

Dear HopeAZ,<P>You are sounding stronger. I am sorry you are getting such a negative response from your H. You know in a funny sort of way, Ws's really think we appreciate it when they find something to tell us that may or may not be helpful. Unfortunately, most BS's get a bit offended when WS's make any kind of suggestion. <P>My H did the same. His advice was 'be careful of how I use my cell phone so I will not use up my minutes and have to pay through the nose like H does.' I got my own cell account since I can not trust H to pay for his. Then his next advice was "don't turn on so many lights in the house because PG&E is going up." H never even asked how high the bill is and if I was having trouble paying for it. <P>Anyway, his advice was worth something, but it was hard to swallow due to who it was coming from. I had to take the parts that were useful and actually thank him, then take my frustration of how dare he try to tell me what to do attitude and let it out when he was gone. <P>He has not been too bossy, but even the few suggestions he does make is hard to take. The reason why I say this is because sometimes, that is how they are showing they care. Maybe not the way we want but the only way they seem to know how. You like the awkward kid trying to fit in after causing a big fight? <P>I think you answered good, just let him know you appreciate his concern and you have thought things out. He may think his 2 cents is important to you. I tell mine, when he is at home and contributing to the family, then his 2 cents on how the house is handled will be appreciated. <P>L.

Thanks CJack and Orchid,<P>This all really makes me angry because I know that I can go out and work and do all that but I gave up staying at home and being a mom to my kids when they were babies. I bundled them up everyday and took them to day care starting when they were 6 weeks old. I put them in a place close to my work so that I could go spend every lunch hour with them. It broke my heart to have to do this but STBX was just finishing school when D was born and I was supporting us at the time. Soon after when S was born I still needed to work to make ends meet. When we moved here it was knowing that STBX would make much more money and that I would be able to stay at home with kids!! Besides no opportunities in my specialized field here. I was making up for lost time these past three years and resent having to go back to the way it was before.<P>Now to just take all thins negative energy and turn it into something positive!!!!

You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of, or angry about, or anything! So you've made up for lost time these last three years. So you have to go to work now to support your kids. Is that so bad? My D would be sooooo much more well adjusted if her mom had 3 years off of work to raise her. Your kids have an advantage that very few kids today have...they've had a stay at home mom, even if only for a little while!<P><BR>You have done all you can, and more. Your kids are better off for it. You need to go back to work, and on some level, they will understand. Don't beat yourself up for being a victim of a difficult situation.<BR>

Dear HopeAZ,<P>Being able to be there for your children is a good thing. Nothing to be ashamed of. I am actually jealous of those parents who can stay with their children and spend those precious years with them. <P>I have had to work from before our son was born. In fact our entire marriage was based primarily on my income. Guilt of not always being there for my son is something I care to this day. In reality, my son is doing ok. He is well adjusted in school and does well with others. All in all he is a good kid. <P>Hope, you are a great mom. From reading your post you are a dedicated mother at home and when you worked. You will continue to be the same person. Your children will adjust to the new schedule as children do. <P>You know I thought, my son would have a major disfunction when his father left the house and our schedule changed so much with him now having to get up so early to go to daycare. But the little guy adjusted quite well, with minimal grumbling. Then I realized that most of the fear I had was with me, my son adjusted just fine. I was the one fearing about everything. When push came to shove, we both got through ok. H is even surprised how well we adjusted and how quick and smoothly it all went. Now mind you, H was not doing that much to begin with, but for some reason, I thought that would have a great impact. But it really did not. <P>So pull up your boot straps and start marching to your new life, your little ones will be right behind you happy to be with their mom. <P>L.

You stood up for yourself! Good for you! These men(and women) need to see that the ONLY contact they have with thier ex is when it concerns the children and child support. Believe me, I've seen it may times. It never occurs to them what they are losing til they lose it. They try to hang on to it plus have their new life.<BR>One friend of mine and I were talking once day when her ex-husband showed up to get the kids. The buffoon actually had the gall to ask her how her sex life was. He added his was great. She told him her personal life was no business of her. I was so proud of her!

You know, the longer I hang around this place, the more amazed I am at all the similar experiences I encounter.<P>My STBX is always letting me know about specials at the grocery store, sending me recipes, all sorts of of little gestures like that. I think it's her way of making herself feel that she's being nice throughout all this.<P>She keeps trying to be friendly, but I'm really over this act of hers. This isn't friendly. This his her deliberate destrucion of our family and her complete disregard for anybody's feelings, save her own. That doesn't fit with my idea of how a "friend" behaves.<P>Anyhow good for you for standing up for yourself. It amazes me sometimes how much the fog deludes these folks. Divorce is never friendly. At best it's not acrimonious, but it's silly of them to expect us to be "buddies" with them while they dismantle our lives so they can pursue their own agenda for happiness & fulfilment. GRRRRRRR!!!1<P>(wow, that felt good )<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

CJack, Yes I should be thankful that I had the time I did with them. Being able to stay at home with your children for any amount of time these days is a gift. I will now cherish every moment even more!!<P>Orchid, I'm sure the kids will adjust. Biggest adjustment for them will be when I do go back to work. STBX was never here and when he was in town he was always off doing something for himself. Kids adjust better than we do. As my posts indicate I'm not adjusting to this aspect of the D very well at all.<P>Ballet, Now I'm waiting for him to start introducing me to potential new boyfriends!!! Handpicked by him for my D recovery pleasure.<P>Cooker, Why don't they just get it that when they rejected us by asking for D that their opinions and ideas seems like nothing so much as criticism or pity. At least that's how I feel. STBX doesn't want the responsibility of wife and family but he wants to control how I choose to live my life?<P><BR>When I got on the computer this am I had an e-mail note from H with the name and telephone number of the lady!!!! AAARRRRRGGGHHHHH. What part of I will do this by myself did he not understand!!!! <BR>Did I also mention that he was kind enough to find a therapist for me as well? Told me I need help and to please call her. Think I will. Hope she is REALLY expensive and I'll just have to have LOTS of sessions!!!!<P>Gotta admit the old love account is really being bled dry.

HA:<P>I Know exactly how you feel about your kids. If I am right, you also have 3 kids. I too, SAHM, and did not intend to return to the work force until youngest was in 1 grade or perhaps on a part time eve basis if I had an intact family. Yes, the kids will adjust, life will go on BUT their lives will change. The future they had with a 2 parent loving home is now taken away from them because H wanted to be so selfish, in a negatvie way, and he took that from them.<P>While I will probably return to work , When? I don't know, I KNOW that at this point, the last thing I think is good for them is for me to LEAVE them with someone else while their whole world falls apart around them. Not only did Daddy leave, Sorry, that is how they see it and internalize it now, no matter how much you tell them it isn't their fault, for Mommy to put them in Daycare for approx. 10 hours a day would also be perceived as Abandonment. I will not do that. I would rather live in a trailer park for a few years if that is what it took. I am looking at options now. My H also wants me to go back to work because he knows that I can not afford this huge house on child support and maintenance. I never was a materialistic type, but H is, only he doesn't know it. <P>H also calls to talk to kids and wants to chat with me, told him you have nothing to say that I want to hear and I have nothing to say to you anymore. You LEFT. If you want to be my friend, come back in this house and work on our marriage with all your effort and save this family, otherwise, leave me alone.<P>Anger, yes, but not controlled or consumed by anger anymore. More likely, disgust. Disgust at your (H) behavior and unbelief that you are so SELFISH and selfcentered that you are doing what you doing.<P>H has no idea that I am filing a special motion against him and we will be in court the next 2-3 weeks. (I have never been in a court room).<P>Can't wait for all this crap to start.<P>Hopelessmom