Hi friends,<P>I hope everyone had a nice Easter, and that the bunny (bilby in our case) visited....<P>well, I don't know quite how to put this, or how to phrase it, or even what I mean. Just pondering I guess. And getting angry............but controlling it!!<P>How's that for starters.<P>He's just dropped the children off. He's back to being cold with an attitude.<P>I found out this weekend that my sister is babysitting the children next weekend while I work. He usually has them while I work. Of course that is not a problem. But I found out from my sister. Again, no communication from him. If she hadn't told me, I would have thought the children were with him. I just feel he should tell me things like that, out of common decency. I like to know where my children are!! His response to this was that he had yet to confirm the babysitting arrangements with her, he was going to get around to telling me. Crap, she said yes she would do it. End of story.<P>Then I asked him if he was happy with the state of affairs betw. us, ie, the coldness, the attitude, the non-communication. He said (get this) he was getting used to it. So, if I do all the work, I do all the talking and the communicating and I make all the effort, it's ok betw. us. But if I don't, we revert back to this coldness and he almost sounds as if he's blaming me for it.. Will he ever get it, that communication is a two way street?<P>Then I asked him if he had done anything about the counselling for us to deal with co-parenting issues. He said no, he hadn't had the time. He has had 6 weeks!! I said to him that his response told me he didn't care about the state of affairs (now there's a word!!) between us. I asked him why he hadn't done anything. He said he had a sign in his office saying "Focus on the most important things."??????????????????? Does that answer the question for you guys?!!!!! I asked him what was more important, his children or his work. I know the answer to that, (his work) but of course he said his children.<P>So, here's the question. Why is he running from counselling? Why won't he do a damn thing about it? Is it because he thinks I have ulteriour motives, I don't. Is it because he has issues that he thinks may come out in counselling? Issues that he is not ready to deal with. I almost feel sorry for him. I don't think he's a complete person at the moment.<P>All I want is to be able to co-exist with him. Decently and respectfully and with the common goal of the good of our children. He makes it very bloody hard.<P>I know why he's behaving like this. Because at the moment his life with his girlfriend is going well. He always treats me like this when things are ok betw. them. But the minute things get tough with her, he's on the ph. to me, making conversation, asking how I am, staying for cups of tea etc etc. Using me as a safety net.<P>My youngest d was sick this week with a very high temp. and my parents came up to help look after her while I was at work. He rang, spoke to my dad, and got all emotional. Dad said he sounded really choked up. Why??????? Why does he do this. If his life was/is so great, and he was so happy, why does he still get all choked up. It's almost on a regular basis..... BTW, he never offered to come and help out, far too busy for that!! But told me I knew where he was if I needed him. <P>I think I'm going to have another night of driving myself insane with these questions. These sorts of nights are getting fewer and fewer but sometimes I still have a need for answers. Answers that I don't think I will ever get.<P>How do we deal with this people?. The fact that I still have a need (sometimes) for answers that will never be forthcoming.<BR>I realise that I'm asking a rhetorical question - there are no answers. Not unless he's ready to give them. I don't want a night of thinking about him, him and her, him, her and my children etc etc etc. I think you get my meaning...Thank God 'Friends' and 'Law and Order' is on tonight......<P>thank you all so much<P>love and hugs to you all<P>Jo

Bonnet,<P>As you stated there really are no answers but I just wanted to let you know I was here reading and thinking about you. As I am still in the D phase I haven't had these issues yet. Your post is giving me a glimpse into my future.<P>My STBX was never a very involved dad. He told kids this weekend as he was leaving to call him anytime. He wants them to call him all the time to make him feel wanted. Our D won't call but S will. S is the only one that really misses him much. So sad. He never took the time to develope much of a relationship with his kids and now that he is leaving he expects them to fall all over him? <P>Anyway, Like I said I have no words of wisdom but feel I may be on here saying something similar in the future. And you hear it said so often but your girls will grow up knowing who the true parent and adult was in their lives.<P>Take Care.<P>

Bonnet,<P>We can never truly understand the behavior of our WS. I personally wonder if I'll ever even understand men!<P>Anyhow, as far as the counseling on co-parenting, me and my ex went to that a few weeks ago. I understand, we did it for the kids, but what a nightmare. We spent the whole time talking about "us" and what went wrong. The counselor feels its important for me to receive closure so I can go on in a healthy relationship with my bf. He also feels its important for ex to be honest with HIMSELF because he is running off to get married with no real clue why he left me. <P>He was very honest and told a few reasons, that the counselor told him were not issues to end the marriage on or begin an affair. In the end, the counselor was trying to make him take responsibility for his actions.<P>Anyhow, exH has been pleasant to me for a month now. He gets to me sometimes, but I'm trying hard not to fall into his manipulations. I know OW was ticked about the counseling. So possibly OW is partly to blame why your ex hasn't looked into it. Also, counseling in general is frightening to most men that I've ever talked to. Maybe he realizes, that is the one place where they are truly going to try to get to the bottom of things and he's not ready for that either.<P>As far as the communication, again, a lot like my situation. When exH and OW are fighting, my ex is very nice to me. When they get along, he is distant. In my case, my ex admitted, he acts this way when he is confused also. He still misses me and has doubts even though we agree there is no hope for us ever anyhow, but he told me he is trying to do better this time around. So when he's nice to me, and starts having regrets, its easier for him to pull back and be distant than deal with his guilt. Again, the OW plays a big part in it all.<P>As for the co-parenting, its the same as the marriage. I dont' think one person can ever force the other to do their part. Either they do it, or they don't. And without a mutual decision to both put in the effort, that other person will sit back and let the other one do all the work.<P>I had to one day stop caring about ex's mood swings. I know enough now to know that it revolves around OW and not anything I did so I don't pay attention to it. If I'm depressed, I'm more highly sensitive to his behavior, but when I'm ok, I have gotten used to it.<P>As far as the co-parent thing, if he doesn't want the true job of it, than you can't force him, and his indecisiveness (sp?) is only going to mix you up anyhow, so maybe think about doing the majority by yourself and learning to deal with it (like I have). Its easier than beating yourself up like this when you just accept it. Then , if he comes around (like my ex has), then maybe you can learn when he's more ready.<P>Also, if he's still in that fog of the affair, OW and the relationship is still going to come first anyhow and there is no competition with that anyhow.<P>Again, this is only how it has happened in my life, but I noticed when I gave up on trying to figure him out so much and focused on the kids, I was more at ease. <P>Now I spend my freetime trying to figure out my current relationship so I guess sooner or later, I'll either find the answers I'm seeking or give up like I did with my H.<P>Hugs, Dana<P>

Hi Hope,<P>thank you so much for responding to me. I appreciate it with everything you are going through.<P>I realised while I was asleep that pondering about him is not doing me any good, and will never give me any answers. For the simple fact that I don't know him any more!!!<P>I had already reached the stage where I was moving on with my life, felt comfortable with myself and my decisions, and had accepted what had happened. I don't know what happened to set me off yesterday. I'm not even 'hormonal'!!!<BR>Anyway, thank you for caring about me.<BR>Take care of you too, and here's to a good day for us.<BR>hugs<BR>Jo<P><BR>Dana - thank you again for caring about me. With everything you're going through I really appreciate it. Your situation is so much like mine. Sometimes I read your posts and think we could almost be twins. I responded to your post to someone else with similar words.<BR>You're right - when we start moving on with our lives, and we and our children become our focus, it is much easier. I have been doing that for maybe the last 3-4 months, and feeling quite comfortable with everything. I don't know what happened to set me off. I don't very often have days where I sit and think about everything that has happened.<P>I think his inability to communicate with me, and his general attitude of 'it's not my fault' still gets to me at times. Someone from here sent me an email with the most amazing positive outlook on life, I loved it. The upshot of it was that we can choose how to react to things/situations, we can choose how we're going to feel, and we can choose how we deal with other people. In other words, our lives are our choice. We can be positive or negative. I know which one I choose.<BR>I think I know which one you choose too. You're an amazing and caring person. Don't ever forget that. I hope you had a lovely easter and things are looking up for you.<P>hugs<BR>Jo

Jo,<P>Thank you for the kind words, it seems lately I don't hear any of that from anyone and it means a lot. I hope we're not on the same "hormonal" schedule either , but your reply made me a little sad.<P>Its hard to go thru this divorce, and try to move on, and think you made it so far, only to have your ex say or do one thing to set you on a downward feeling for a few days. I know my problems right now, are more due to getting involved too quickly, but I honestly don't have the energy to deal with that. I'd much rather sit here and try to help someone else than help myself. I thought a lot about going into counseling one day. <P>When my youngest is in junior highschool, I'm going to return to college. It sounds funny, but I'm only 28 right now, I doubt anyone will want to listen to my life lessons yet, but in a few years, maybe.<P>Your right about one thing, we don't know our ex's anymore. Heck I don't think I even know myself today! And I dont' think any of us will ever be the same after an affair, even on the betraying side because there are some great people here who have been on that side too, and honestly, I probably could have fallen that same way in a few years knowing what I know now.<P>Try not to give to much thought to the ex. Put it in perspective and only work on what you can handle. Just like the serenity prayer, I'm sure you've heard it.<P>Also, forward me your inspirational items, at MissDMBrown@aol.com . I'm still collecting them, and write some in my journal.<P>Hang in there, Hugs, Dana<BR>

Hi Dana,<P>I'm sending you the email right now. It's lovely.<P>never ever forget, you're a wonderful person with much to offer. You're valuable and you do count.<P>love and hugs<P>jo